We made it! Another notch in our belts on this long road to becoming parents.

As with most of the blogs I follow/followed in the past around fertility/infertility it has been a very long time since I've update this one. So long in fact that I'm less then 10 weeks away from my due date. A due date... I'm finally pregnant and all the time I spent worrying about become pregnant feels like such a very long time ago. Not to say I've forgotten... when someone new finds out we're expecting or just talking about it with an acquaintance I feel the need to tell them this baby was 5 years in the making. As though I'm somehow justifying that I've earned this reward but also to make sure that if that person has experienced infertility they will not feel the pain of one more pregnant woman in the path of their day if they're feeling particularly vulnerable. I haven't posted anything to facebook... my family, extended family and friends do know already. I even turned off the ability to comment on my wall just so someone doesn't out me. I'd like to share the happy news with all those on facebook after baby arrives. When I can share a picture and a few details.... that's when it'll go on facebook.

So overall the last 30 weeks have been pretty great. No major morning sickness issues. We heard baby's heart beat at 6 weeks 3 days on Dec. 21... there could not have been a more beautiful Christmas gift for us. We anxiously waited for the 3 month mark to share the news with family. Then we decided we better get our honeymoon in (7 years late!) and headed to Mexico the end of March. Then suddenly it was the end of April and my sister, BIL, 3 year old nephew and mother where all here to visit. My sister hosted a baby shower while she was here and one of my gf decorated which was so sweet but I have to tell you I'm happy it's over simply because it was weird to be the center of attention in that way. And then in May I suddenly really looked pregnant.. I was worried that maybe I wouldn't have the round pregnant belly I had imagined but here it is... so surprised by how long it took for it to really round out. lol And now I'm starting to get some of those 3rd trimester discomforts but really I have nothing to complain about.. I'm still sleeping well (that is when I'm not peeing), I'm self-employed so when I want to work from bed or the couch I can and I've somehow managed to just relax and enjoy being pregnant. No anxiety or what if's, no scares or concerns for this growing babe. I've loved having midwifery care. As much as I feel my body has failed me in the past I always believed that I would get pregnant, that I would become a mom and so now I will let go and trust that everything will unfold as it needs to.

How did we get here? 2012 looked like this
- February, start doing Crossfit
- May, Lap surgery (endo removed from left side, 1 simple cyst drained from right ovary)
- Onto Cycle monitoring
- June, Metformin started..
- Stopped crossfit in August (really felt that the stress of crossfit - my own mindset/anxieties likely - was probably building too much stress in my body)
- October cycle we used femera and tried on our own
- November cycle we used femera again but also cycle monitoring and an IUI and here we are today.. due August 13th, 2013.

The day before I took a pregnancy test my gf took amazing pictures of my husband and I (which was our Christmas gift to family). She commented on just how in love we looked, how my eyes sparkled when he would kiss me. That night I dreamt that I forgot to take a pregnancy test that morning and was disappointed to have to wait another day... but thankfully it was only a dream and I peed on a stick at 5:30am (husband says it was 4:30am) and woke up my husband... "there's another line!.... look another line!" it was Sunday morning. Monday I went straight to the fertility clinic for a beta.. it was 44.3 (DPO 13) then Wednesday another beta and it was 153 and then a week later and it was 2400 something... we could breath a little easier.. it was looking good. :-) Then the ultrasound at 6 weeks 3 days and a heart beat!!!!.... we where in love with our peanut. We don't know what we're having. We are just loving this journey... we are being protective of our little family and really trying to keep weekends lazy and slow and for just us when we wait for baby to arrive :-)

Our Peanut - 6 weeks 3 days

Relaxing in Mexico

Baby let's us know it's all good at 21 weeks as he/she
gives us a peace sign at our ultrasound :-)

Daytona Tuesday

Just cause it's been so long since I've posted a picture of our furry kid... that nose... resting on my husband's seat as we head out on another camping trip.

 

All cleaned up after a trip to the doggie spa.

My hopes for 2011 - revisted

My Hopes for 2011 (revisited... did I do what I said I would?)

- start eating and moving as though I am actually pregnant... I need to step away from the desk more often then I do and respect my time to be quiet and peaceful.

I don't think I really started doing this until Winter 2012... although my girlfriends would probably tell you that in some way I was always doing something but I just feel more successful let's say at doing this part as of this year.

- purchase another lens to add to my equipment in 2011

...hmmmm don't remember... I did get a lens and I think it was in 2011

- network, network, network... keep building my business and make connections with people I can employ/subcontract to to ease the work load for when I need to take time away from my business when our baby finally decides to make their grand entrance into our lives.

...well I joined a networking group in April 2011... so check that off the list.

- photography workshop - the flight is already booked I just need to pay for the workshop next and I'm laughing... I can't wait to take off from my routine and meet some new and exciting photographers the end of August. And of course spend time with my "big sister" relaxing.... workshop is 3 days then I'll have another 7 to chill and process the info from the workshop too :-)

... this was a great trip. I didn't end up doing the workshop but had an amazing time with my "big sister"... I'm heading to see her again in less then 3 weeks

- build up business enough so we don't have to rent the student apartment in our basement come Sept.... I want to move my office into that room making it easier to meet with clients without having them walk through my home and worrying about how clean the kitchen is... ya know what I mean?

CHECK! Couldn't find a student renter in Sept. 2011 so another coat of pain and I'm not set up in the space and can see clients here... just wish it was big enough for photo shoots but whatever. 

- continued work with Daytona so we can walk past a dog without him mouthing off

Nope! Still mouthy

- have fun! take time out to enjoy my amazing husband... we have some little getaways and overnights planned for the summer, some camping etc so I'm looking forward to working on just being present and enjoying being able to do these things with him. We celebrated 5 years married this month and I think I fell in love with him even more that night. He means so much to me!
and of course....

6 years married and thankful I have him by my side and encouraging me along the way in all areas of our lives and careers. Biggest "holy crap!" for me/us this spring was him switching to the 6:30am class at crossfit (when I go) and us being able to work out together. I NEVER would have imagined I'd be in this place. We go together the first 3 mornings of the week for 6:30am

- baby, baby, baby... I just want to be pregnant and soon

... well as always a work in progress but feeling closer then ever with all the things we/I'm doing to get there...

2 posts in 1 day... look at me! lol.. I must be procrastinating on work.... lol

An update - July 23, 2012

yup, been a very long time since I've updated (over a year.. how did that happen?)... but truth is until the last couple of months we've just been at a stand still... trying on our own with no success.

So here it is... not pregnant yet

Early May I had the laposcopy surgery... dr cleaned up endo from my left side and drained a simple cyst from my right ovary. Took me 4 weeks to get back to crossfit but that was probably more mental then anything else. I took a pretty hard blow from someone close to me telling me how to become pregnant... yes you read that right. So it still plays on me mentally here and there. Ok so lap done and cleaned up and ready to go... cycle monitoring with the fertility clinic.. At this point I had also lost 25lbs since the end of January! woohooo!

1st cycle after lap - same as always.. and ridiculous pain with that period... holy crap!

2nd cycle after lap - see dr something like the day I started my period. He doesn't outright say you have PCOS but it's certainly looking like that... I'm on metformin. Holy crap! I ovulate CD 13/14... my norm was always 18/19 so obviously my body is liking even this tiny dose of metformin. But my luteal phase falls short and I only make it to CD 25 before period starts again. Bummer!

3rd cycle after lap - today is CD 8.. did bloodwork already on CD 5 and everything was fine. I didn't feel like adding to the ultrasound techs Saturday morning line up of TTC ladies so I'm waiting till CD 10 to check on my follicles. And will probably have to go CD 13 and then CD 16 to make sure the biggest one is gone (and we're going camping this weekend... oy! Not exactly prime location for baby making). We're just doing timed intercourse at this point and continuing to monitor my cycle so we know we're hitting the exact right time of the month.. what a load of worry that takes off :-) ... My husband has a big course in September and will be gone for 2 weeks... so after that we'll be diving into cycle monitoring and IUIs with each cycle to hopefully speed things up if we're still trying. This cycle I've added vitex to my supplement routine and I think the RN at the clinic might also give me a progesterone shot depending on how blood work pans out. I like knowing that we're going to tweak something each month... I feel a little less like I'm just beating my head against the wall... you know? gotta get the luteal phase to hold on a few more days just in case this is what's causing me not to make it to the 28-30 day mark and possibly loosing a pregnancy.. I'm not spending time thinking about that though. I'll keep looking ahead and focus on one day, week, month, cycle at a time.

So I'm really hoping that this blog won't be sitting dormant with nothing to share for another year... my fingers are crossed that we're almost there! :-)   I'm trying very hard not to take my foot off the gas until we get there.

When do you give up?

Another month of disappointment. When do you give up? How many more times do we try when all we know is disappointment 27-32 days at a time....

I'm tired... but like any other month myself & my husband will pick ourselves up out of this funk and carry on... cause the idea of missing another opportunity now matter how badly the odds are stacked against us is better then giving up all together. But seriously... can we just once finally have a happy ending... just once is all I'm asking for.

Daytona Tuesday

That's quite the stretch there Daytona...

Daytona Tuesday

Bed Dog...

Me (1982)

This was in my Nanny's livingroom... she's in a nursing home now and the house has been divided up, cleaned up and sold.

Daytona Tuesday (belated)

It's too hot most days now but he loves to go in the truck with us... sorry dude... gonna have to wait awhile before you can run errands with me all day.

My hopes for 2011.. what's left of it

- start eating and moving as though I am actually pregnant... I need to step away from the desk more often then I do and respect my time to be quiet and peaceful.

- purchase another lens to add to my equipment in 2011

- network, network, network... keep building my business and make connections with people I can employ/subcontract to to ease the work load for when I need to take time away from my business when our baby finally decides to make their grand entrance into our lives.

- photography workshop - the flight is already booked I just need to pay for the workshop next and I'm laughing... I can't wait to take off from my routine and meet some new and exciting photographers the end of August. And of course spend time with my "big sister" relaxing.... workshop is 3 days then I'll have another 7 to chill and process the info from the workshop too :-)

- build up business enough so we don't have to rent the student apartment in our basement come Sept.... I want to move my office into that room making it easier to meet with clients without having them walk through my home and worrying about how clean the kitchen is... ya know what I mean?

- continued work with Daytona so we can walk past a dog without him mouthing off

- have fun! take time out to enjoy my amazing husband... we have some little getaways and overnights planned for the summer, some camping etc so I'm looking forward to working on just being present and enjoying being able to do these things with him. We celebrated 5 years married this month and I think I fell in love with him even more that night. He means so much to me!

and of course....

- baby, baby, baby... I just want to be pregnant and soon