Its been a pretty great month so far considering some of the outside pressures of job security, money spending, holidays, family expectations etc.

We are both hoping for a very special Christmas gift from Santa this year... but we're at a pretty good place in that if we don't get that BFP we'll be okay.

I saw my naturopath again last week (she's back in the office about 10 hours a week and her little guy is now 7 weeks on Monday) and she said two things that really stood out in a matter of 30 minutes (the length of our session)

I was talking to her about family just not getting or seeming to be sympathetic to what we're going through and she can totally identify with me as it took her and her DH 2 years to conceive. but what she said was you're morning the loss of a child every month, an unborn child every single month and I never looked at it from that perspective before... of course with every period came a short period of tears, frustration, feelings of failure, disappointment and fear...... every month morning the loss of the child we want so very very much. WOW!

The other thing she said is if we haven't conceived by spring we'll take the next step... next step consists of some fertility monitoring with fertility clinic in our small town (which I'm told some of her other patients have had great success and experienced excellent bedside manner). The words charting, tests and ultrasounds came up and of course have DH tested to which I had my own questions answered about just how that takes place (not what the movies/tv would have you think which was a big relief and something I know DH won't have a problem with). I feel good about where we're at in the TTC journey and our relationship and our renewed excitement... DH has taken the bull by the horns lol and we're having more fun baby dancing then we have in a while *blushing* so like I said we're in a great place.

Something else I've been visualizing is what Christy said about having a bouncing baby with us next holiday season at all these family gatherings that have proven to add to the bag of stresses then been a place of comfort and acceptance. We are growing stronger and stronger as a couple and as a growing family.

an emotional mess....that's what I am today (i started that post on Tuesday)

I was just an mess on Tuesday... I couldn't stop crying for the better part of the morning and of course I was at work and couldn't just go home because of a big meeting scheduled for the afternoon.

what was wrong? everything... of course!

- no success this month with TTC
- stress of christmas and money spending
- a 4th person was laid off at DH workplace, DH still has a job but the stress + period + no baby just was too much
- my dad giving me a hard time about bowing out of the family gathering on my step mom's side on the 13th (reason more money as they sprung a gift exchange into the mix + we'd be responsible for bring 2 dishes to the potluck + the 2.5 hr drive + no one bothered to answer my question about whether or not we could bring our dog until a week later)
- stress of TTC next month cause if we do, baby would arrive in late August and my sister finally set the date for her wedding... yeah... Sept. 5th. We have been trying for too long now to stop for a couple months with the idea of being at her wedding. Yes of course I want to be there (suppose to be in the wedding party) but I can't stop living my life and TTC when the wedding is just under 1 year away... even if we did wait till March to start trying again I could still miss the wedding due to bed rest or complications or doctors orders to not travel (wedding is in NB).... so we are trying agian in December.. because we both want to get this show on the road. lol

yeah so this week started off with an awful yucky loud bang but luckily we got through it, are getting through it... looking after ourselves and trying not to worry so much about what everyone else things or feels... sometimes you just have to put yourself first, okay all the time but its ten thousand times harder this time of year :-(