When do you give up?

Another month of disappointment. When do you give up? How many more times do we try when all we know is disappointment 27-32 days at a time....

I'm tired... but like any other month myself & my husband will pick ourselves up out of this funk and carry on... cause the idea of missing another opportunity now matter how badly the odds are stacked against us is better then giving up all together. But seriously... can we just once finally have a happy ending... just once is all I'm asking for.

My hopes for 2011.. what's left of it

- start eating and moving as though I am actually pregnant... I need to step away from the desk more often then I do and respect my time to be quiet and peaceful.

- purchase another lens to add to my equipment in 2011

- network, network, network... keep building my business and make connections with people I can employ/subcontract to to ease the work load for when I need to take time away from my business when our baby finally decides to make their grand entrance into our lives.

- photography workshop - the flight is already booked I just need to pay for the workshop next and I'm laughing... I can't wait to take off from my routine and meet some new and exciting photographers the end of August. And of course spend time with my "big sister" relaxing.... workshop is 3 days then I'll have another 7 to chill and process the info from the workshop too :-)

- build up business enough so we don't have to rent the student apartment in our basement come Sept.... I want to move my office into that room making it easier to meet with clients without having them walk through my home and worrying about how clean the kitchen is... ya know what I mean?

- continued work with Daytona so we can walk past a dog without him mouthing off

- have fun! take time out to enjoy my amazing husband... we have some little getaways and overnights planned for the summer, some camping etc so I'm looking forward to working on just being present and enjoying being able to do these things with him. We celebrated 5 years married this month and I think I fell in love with him even more that night. He means so much to me!

and of course....

- baby, baby, baby... I just want to be pregnant and soon

eye twitch

... could it be a sign? LOL

It has been one hell of a week but not a bad week.

Cleaned apartment up after the guy who rented it for 4 months left on Monday afternoon... OMG people... gross! Two evenings of cleaning, watching the walls even (thank goodness it's a small bach. apt.) and now it is ready for another student who will be with us for 8 months. Who started moving in yesterday! woohoo!

I attended an awesome seminar in Vaughan, ON on Wednesday night all about bellies & babies photography which I'm most passionate about and since then I have booked a baby's first year client!!! (it has been longer then I'd like to admit since having one of these types of clients) And finally starting to put some marketing things into action that I've been dragging my ass on for far too long... September is always a super busy month for me and I just seem to make it busier and busier but I'm having fun so why not!

But this eye twitch I've got happening is driving me a little batty... my right eye lid just twitches now and then and it's irritating as hell. I think I'm going to have to rest my eyes for the better part of the weekend but I don't know that my brain ort my to do list will let me.

on the TTC front we've just been waiting for the ov watch to say 'go'... LOL it's everything else though that has most definatly been keeping our minds off TTC and the lack of a BFP thus far in our lives. Over all...we're a pretty content couple and it feels great!

love

last night I literally squealed with delight as I was playing with the newly updated iPhone facebook app. I was so excited to be able to do more on facebook via my iPhone!!! Love that!

After my squeal my husband just stopped and laughed at me... and I was all "what? it's cool!" and he just laughed at me again and said "you are so cute! it's why I love you" and kissed me.

I don't know, maybe it's a "you had to be there" moment but sometimes he just stops, it feels like life is stopping just for a moment and he tells me he loves me because.... and I realize all over again how lucky I am to have found him.

HSG

HSG has been scheduled for October 8th... could have gotten in for Sept. 17th but that would be just a couple days after my likely ovulation so would not work with my cycle.

I have booked a Friday/Monday off Sept 11/12/13/14 for a mini vacation with my DH. We'll be off camping somewhere before it gets too cold and hopefully some scuba diving for my husband if there are any charters running in Tobermory. Or we'll head to Algonquin for some hiking.

Here's a couple of pictures from last Wednesday night. A weekly dive night for one of the dive shops here. DH first dive after completing his certification! woohooo!

All those diving heading back out of the water...

Silly husband - this was him after the dive.

Daytona and I went for a walk and then waited for DH to surface again.

1st visit to the Fertility Clinic

we've had a very productive day to say the least. up early to get the grocery shopping done and then off to the clinic and then treated ourselves to a little shopping/road trip. My sweet husband wanted me to have some new shirts and also some new tanks and better stuff for my yoga efforts. Told you he's a sweetie!

So let's just get to it... the fertility clinic... busy spot on a sunday a.m. Our appointment was at 10am and the RN had to break from us a few times to take blood and speak to 4 women that where coming in for their cycle monitoring. Now I should explain this fertility clinic didn't really have a waiting room, no receptionist... it was just a tiny office/apartment in one of the century homes turned offices across the street from the hospital. Crazy thing is this is the closest fertility clinic for so many couples who are struggling to conceive... one couple that popped in had driven almost 3 hours. And the RN was very honest about the doctors that are a part of the clinic... not out to make money from their patients but to just help couples conceive. And this shows in their pricing. I think I mentioned before an IUI was only $200. And luckily the Ontario government covers all the blood work, u/s, HSG & lap among others that I'm sure I'm not really aware of.

Between all the interruptions we managed to get all the details down about our histories and some other details. The RN also decided to take my blood as I told her my ov watch told me ovulation was yesterday and all in all it wasn't so bad. I've asked to be scheduled for an HSG and basically I'm looking at October... I think for now I'm going to hold off on the cycle monitoring and just get the HSG out of the way. Basically I could be late for work a few times with the cycle monitoring and I don't want to add that stress to my routine right now.. I've got a pretty stress inducing boss lady and I can't go to her with this and ask for her understanding... honestly I'd probably end up loosing my job. It would be the perfect excuse for her to show me the door before we'd even have the chance to get that BFP of our own. DH admitted that the appointment wasn't so bad and passing him my iphone to play with kept him busy when other women where popping in for their blood work.

As we headed south for a little shopping and lunch date my husband did say that he is feeling disappointed that his swimmers are a little slow but I immediately reminded him that he does have them.. they do exist and that is huge because the other options are just beyond what we as a couple are willing to take on. I told him about donor sperm and immediately he said "well then technically they wouldn't be mine". Some guys would be okay with this but not my husband and he did say if we can't have our own child then he would much rather pursue adoption then continue down the fertility clinic road and I couldn't agree with him more. I want very much to have a child with my husband and if that is not one that is of our own making then we would want to pursue adoption.

But all that said I don't think we won't have our own biological child I just think we haven't gotten things just right yet... so we'll keep on trucking, using the ov watch, scheduling the HSG and waiting till we have to make our next step or decision.

sorry if this post seems a bit scattered... I'm feeling very blessed at this point for where we're at in this process and there are some blogs that I follow that have received some upsetting news this week. I part of me just wishes so much that they where in this same place but I know we all have our own paths to follow and I know in my heart that each of these women, these couples will become parents. And I also know we may still have a long road ahead of us but each day I'm stressing a little bit less and just accepting that this is just a process, a journey and as soon as we close one chapter we'll be onto another.

wanted to share...

I've been making my way through Sue's blog and came across this post.

Mind Body Fertility Connection
By: James Schwartz

"The fertility journey is about much more than bringing children into the world. It can be a pathway to personal discovery as we challenge ourselves to heal the old wounds and experiences that have been holding us back in life. It can be the achievement of wellness and balance of mind, body, and spirit. It can be a bridge to enlightenment as we learn to let go, be in harmony with the natural world, and embrace our connection with the universe. Any healing we do for ourselves, regardless of the issue, becomes a gift to future generations, as children learn by observing our behavior every moment they are in our presence. The healing we do creates a ripple effect, because our power and influence is felt by everyone around us.

The fertility journey is about learning to love and honor ourselves, standing in our power, choosing to nurture ourselves with wholesome foods and positive thoughts, building loving relationships, having patience, accepting the imperfections of life, practicing forgiveness, bravely facing our fears, and letting go of all the stuff in our lives that does not support our higher vision of motherhood."

The second paragraph is what really speaks to me today... today is another day on my path of TTC ups and downs... I'm feeling period-ish and of course the "wipe and look" has started (CD 30 / 9DPO)... some brownish but no real AF just yet... I'm hopeful but at the same time preparing myself for the disappointment.

I cried on my way into work today... just needed to let some of it out... with the first of the brownish stuff showing up late last night it's almost like a secret I don't want to give a voice to just yet... a bad secret that carries disappointment, tears, frustration, anxiety and fear of the unknown.

I never like to tell my husband until I'm SURE that yes it's that damn 'aunt flow' again. So tonight I'll go to my two yoga classes and I'll focus all my energy, thoughts and love to the possibility of landing safely this time on the rock just outside my reach or maybe this time the fall won't be so bad... maybe it will be easier to get up and brush myself off, replace the sensor on the ov watch and start again knowing that even with a new start, another cycle I'm one more month closer to becoming a mom.

i have the SWEETEST husband

someone told him yesterday about some guy who has a storage space business... someone stiffed him on the rent and then the owner hasn't been able to get a hold of him so instead he's opened up the storage space and is selling off everything that's in it. I guess what's in it is new stuff because my husband said we're going for a drive this weekend to check it out... why are we going? because he heard their where eddie bauer strollers for only $50!

It always takes me back when he comes out with things baby related. It reminds me so quickly that I'm not the only one hoping so very much that this will finally happen for us soon.

Last week it was names... he said if it's a girl he'd like her to have the middle name Anna or (my mind is drawing a blank on the second..oops), his grandmothers first names, both of whom aren't with us anymore but had such an amazing influence on him... I think he really got that maternal love from his grandmothers more then his own mom most of the time. At Easter through our crazy driving to see both sides of the family weekend we took a detour on our way to see his parents and Opa to visit his grandmother & grandfather's grave (on his dad's side), but the talk was mostly about his grammy. I was so touched that he did that and shared it with me. We ended up being terribly late but it didn't matter, he needed to do that and we didn't tell anyone at dinner what took us so long.

CD 28 - 7 DPO

For some reason my mind kept wandering to home pregnancy tests yesterday and trying to visualize what it would look like to take that elusive HPT and get a positive result... it just feels like such an unattainable thing at times, most of the time... as though how is it possible that this could happen to us, for us...

It's feels like winning the lottery... maybe you play but still hold out little hope that you could win that big jackpot. getting pregnant just seems so foreign... like a lottery that I couldn't possibly hope to win or a place I can't see, or ever hope to visit. In this journey of TTC there have been more and more people around me now more then ever getting pregnant, announcing their good news, hearing about so and so is now pregnant too... and then you realize that you've been trying much longer then so and so and now she and her husband are almost at the end, waiting for their little one to arrive. Foreign!

I can picture what we'll be like as parents, the excitement of waiting for them to arrive, watching my belly grow, sharing the news with family & friends, I can picture walks along the waterfront with stroller or sling, weekends with my dad and step mom, the shock of sleepless nights, walking to the nursery to check on our sweet pea, tears, diaper changes, my sweet husband and baby fast asleep on the couch, I can see so much of what having a child will probably be for us but I can't get my mind wrapped around the actual HPT giving me a positive. I can picture it all except that leap from not pregnant to pregnant is too far for me to jump.

here I am

WOW such a great holiday.. spent mostly at home and working on my own small business stuff, sleeping in, photo shoots, little cottage time, started decluttering my office (work in progress there), catching up with friend and fellow photog while dinning and shopping at Ikea, relaxing on the couch all afternoon with our pup AND finally getting a good layer cleaned up all over our house.... we can't seem to just keep things at one point of clean its always a big overhaul kind of clean... you know the kind when you finally vacuum the lamp shades, move the kitchen chairs to wash the floor, run the vacuum attachements over the baseboards and corners of the room etc. LOL

And now I have a 3 day work week ahead of me, massage tonight, yoga tomorrow and a photo shoot on saturday morning!!! I'm hoping next week, working a full 5 day week won't kill me! LOL

Still no Fertile Day 1 on the ov watch... my husband has been checking every morning before I'm even awake yet.. he's ready to baby dance! :-) .... so far we're CD 15. Last night he mentioned that it seems like in previous months we had started the baby dance earlier (usually tried to BD every other day CD 10 to 20) so it will be intereting to see when the watch says 'go' because obviously our timing hasn't worked to date.

I'm REALLY excited and so hopefull that we'll have success within the next few months :-)

exhausted

I am struggling this... oh crap it's still before noon? yuck. having a hard time focusing and keeping my eyes open. I just want to curl up and take a nap SO badly.

First night with the ov watch was uneventful... as expected it said NF (Not Fertile)... I do find the strap a little tight and I think I might order the strap extender... something they came up with because this is a usual complaint based on what I've read.

I am curious as to when the Fertile Day 1 will pop up... will it be the same day I think it is? The day I think it is hasn't worked to date! lol

Based on the months that I have bothered to try and get a positive OPK... they have been saying CD 17 or 22... that's quite the gap! Time will tell.......

Happy Weekend! My DH and I + dog are off to my dad and step mom's place just outside Hanover.... we like to call it the Lakehouse.. cottage just doesn't seem to work. So we'll be chill-axing up there this weekend and we both have Monday off so we'll get two full days out of the weekend before making our way home Monday morning. Then I work Tuesday before I'm off again and not back in the office until the following Wednesday... I hope I can make it a truly productive holiday!!!! so much I want to get done just need to keep my ambition flowing.

renewed hope

I have this huge sense of hope and excitement for this little watch that should arrive sometime next week.

I'm looking at baby things online again, searching ebay, thinking about moving the office, baby things, maternity clothes etc... I haven't done that in MONTHS!!

I will try not to get too wrapped up in all that stuff but I just feel like we are closer then ever to finally conceiving. I've talked before about what a journey this whole TTC train ride has been and I guess perhaps now finally we're finding ourselves in just the right place for baby to join our lives.

Perhaps I'm just a perpetual optimist but if knowing that if I can't believe it and see it and feel it... it may never happen... so I keep on hoping, day dreaming and smiling that we'll hold a very special secret just my husband and I in the months to come.

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toying with the idea again of making this blog private so if you can't see it right away one day and you've been lurking for awhile just drop me an email and let me know you'd like to keep on following our TTC to belly to baby journey!

over before we hit go

My very sweet husband has had a few waves of grump since Sunday... something is wrong with is knee, x-ray at the clinic didn't show anything broken but he still can't bend it, put weight on it and its causing him a lot of pain. So off to the doctor's on Thursday (we where lucky to get that appointment!), I'm going to drag him to the chiropractor tonight just to see if there is anything he can suggest. My husband is a worker, he HATES being stuck on the couch day and night (yeah he's sleeping there too). And since starting crossfit he's lost a full pant size (down to 34 from 36) and we just cleaned out his side of the closet so now he's worried about putting that weight back on sitting on the couch.

I'm hoping with everything I have left in me that this is just something odd that will need a little attention but will be better very soon and not something major.

so for this month I'm going to guess we where unsuccessful in conceiving.

I've decided not to order any more Fertility Aid supplements, we've been taking them for 5 months.. I think we're past the point of them working out for us. I'm kind of at peace for the moment with the whole baby thing. No dire need to book appointments at the doctors or fertility clinic... just going to sit on it this month and see where this bump in the road with my husband's knee takes us.

waiting to test...

...is so frustrating at times but more then anything today I just feel blah... I feel the need to be quite, reflective, grateful for what I do have.

This past weekend I was working at the computer for most of it while my husband painted our living room an awesome new brown/grey colour and even put a fresh coat of paint on the kitchen and all the trim on our main floor... the house feels so fresh and clean it just makes me want to finish organizing everything.

We have some acquired furniture we want to clear out and with this quarter's volunteer fire pay we've decided to get a new couch! Which is exciting... the livingroom will be completely done minus maybe a couple more prints for the walls, a second ikea shelve for the other side of the tv stand and a new lamp maybe. I have that urge to purge, purge, purge and clear things out so our house continues to keep working for us. We've been in our house 3 years now and even though 3 years ago we probably would have thought we'd be moving in another couple of years... I'm quite content to just stay put. It was A LOT of work to get into our first home and as soon as we did the value of our home shot up $40,000... we'd like a little more yard room but we have a great deck that could just be made a little better, we're on a dead end street, there's a park down the street, a little room for a swing set out from and someday if we finish the top deck we'd have a little sancuary at the back of our home just for us. Its dd our house is build into a hill and from the top floor you can walk out a back door to a weed infested yard about 8 feet deep that runs the lenght of our house.

anyways who knew this would become a post about the house. hun?! lol

Anxious...

... about everything it seems lately. I can't wait to just work for the next 3 days on my own stuff.... on the tutorials for joomla, learning content management systems, cascading style sheets, search engine optimization and getting this new website build for my client who is opening her own yoga space March 2nd... so you can see there is a tight deadline. but its forcing me to take action and learn these new things that I've wanted to in order to update my skills since taking web design way back in 2001. I've been more focused on graphic and photography recently but updating my skills is really going to give me that boost to offer some awesome online solutions to existing and new clients! woohooo

And how sweet is this... my husband "you could just do the website in html and then do the joomla thing later, you know just in case its not coming together... you shouldn't be getting stressed out right now... that's not good"

So i had to promise him that if it wasn't coming together I would knock off the site in html (this would take me 4-5 hours max) AND then do it in joomla later.

I love him!

Weather imposed Vacation Day

It's one of those not so nice days that you can't see.... freezing rain, warnings of more to come.

So I had to decide, DH didn't want me on the roads (I have a 30 minute drive on a good day to work), if I called in sick (duh, she's faking its the weather), if I called in weather (oh dear the stress that would come with that - my boss is so understanding.. NOT!).... so I called in Vacation day.... this seemed to hold the least amount of stress for taking the day and nobody can fault me for that, since I'm using one of my hard earned vacation days... Kinda sucks but at the same time I get to spend the day in PJ's and work on all the stuff I really want to be working on.... client stuff and some tutorials I'm in the middle of about CMS, Joomla and SEO... techy geek girl web design stuff.

So its going to be a productive day of learning and crossing things off my to do list.... like this pile of filing I need to do... can't get that done from the office! I've already separated it into business and another pile/tray for personal/home. woohooo..... lol

ouch!

okay last night acupuncture hurt a bight... I can handle it but it surprised me since it didn't really the last time.... so why this time? Because of where I am in my cycle. I've either just ovulated or its coming very soon.

baby dust this way please... fingers crossed for this month. :-)

My sweet husband has been so great this month... I guess with the new year its clicked for him just how much he wants to get our family started to. He's been poppin' the fertilaid and he makes me laugh everyday... which keeps the stress away... sometimes talking about the "window"and "is the window still open".... a recent text converstation included talk about the window to which he also said "is the porch light still on?" and "is the circus still in town?" Love him! LOL

in the thick of it

... another month of TTC

I have been very good at tracking my food etc and after my session w/my naturopath last week I was told to beef up the calorie intake to 1700/day as not to shock my body too much as we are TTC and I don't want my cycles to go all wacky. think I mentioned that last week.

I have another accupuncture session on Thursday!

Last night I actually came home, took a call from a client/friend briefly, then a quick walk with Daytona, weight lifting session, and then I did my yoga DVD... I didn't even think abou tit I just popped it in the DVD player and got down to my breathing and bending. I really think its helping me saty on track with everything else and keeping a level mood with regards to TTC.

I had the most wonderful photo session with my naturopath, her husband and their little guy, who is now 3 months old! He is just such a happy and content baby you can't help but smile looking at him. Since we have spent time together as couples hanging out, dinner and such my husband didn't have to hide away while we took pictures (focus was on just baby this time around) and they are dog lovers with two of their own so Daytona got to hang out too. He has always been good with the kids he's met before and it was nice to see him sniff this little guy and so obedient while I was shooting.

The first summer we had him we where getting ice cream at Kawartha Diary (I think Huntsville). Standing in the outside window line up there was a little tot who had obviously really enjoyed his ice cream and Daytona very carefully gave his stick hand a few licks... it was a pretty cute moment.

well no baby news to share this month :-( but on a positive note with all the holiday happenings I'm not feeling so depressed about it this month... no tears shed this time. And we'll be able to TTC again before DH is swamped with a huge tradeshow set up happening in Toronto... International Boat Show anyone?

I remember the first and well last time he took me to the show... we had been together 4 months. Its a pretty overwhelming show if you've never been and it was kinda fun to check out all these boats. Here are some tips for you:

1. wear something on your feet that are not only comfy but can also be slipped on and off as that's all you do when you're checking out the boats
2. water in purse and a snack
3. FYI... you will be approached repeatedly when entering booths
4. check out the smaller stuff first and work your way up to the B I G boats

DH took me to check out all the big stuff first and then I got super board looking at motors and little 18 foot boats.... when you just came from something that has pop up TV's (yes more then one) a couple of bathrooms, full kitchen, dishwasher, washer/dryer and more then one bedroom.... 18 feet looks like a dingy. LOL

an emotional mess....that's what I am today (i started that post on Tuesday)

I was just an mess on Tuesday... I couldn't stop crying for the better part of the morning and of course I was at work and couldn't just go home because of a big meeting scheduled for the afternoon.

what was wrong? everything... of course!

- no success this month with TTC
- stress of christmas and money spending
- a 4th person was laid off at DH workplace, DH still has a job but the stress + period + no baby just was too much
- my dad giving me a hard time about bowing out of the family gathering on my step mom's side on the 13th (reason more money as they sprung a gift exchange into the mix + we'd be responsible for bring 2 dishes to the potluck + the 2.5 hr drive + no one bothered to answer my question about whether or not we could bring our dog until a week later)
- stress of TTC next month cause if we do, baby would arrive in late August and my sister finally set the date for her wedding... yeah... Sept. 5th. We have been trying for too long now to stop for a couple months with the idea of being at her wedding. Yes of course I want to be there (suppose to be in the wedding party) but I can't stop living my life and TTC when the wedding is just under 1 year away... even if we did wait till March to start trying again I could still miss the wedding due to bed rest or complications or doctors orders to not travel (wedding is in NB).... so we are trying agian in December.. because we both want to get this show on the road. lol

yeah so this week started off with an awful yucky loud bang but luckily we got through it, are getting through it... looking after ourselves and trying not to worry so much about what everyone else things or feels... sometimes you just have to put yourself first, okay all the time but its ten thousand times harder this time of year :-(