He looks like his mom :-)
Showing posts with label little sister. Show all posts
Showing posts with label little sister. Show all posts
Monday, February 22
His name is Isaac
He arrived Friday just after 5:30pm by c-section and I can't wait to meet him.. the countdown is on for my trip to NB.
Wednesday, September 16
sleepy
that's how I've been feeling since we returned for our mini holiday in Tobermory... we had an awesome time and it felt so great to be sleeping in a tent, waking up and starting our day slowly chilling out by a nice warm fire to dry out the mornings dew.
but I'm sleepy... falling asleep on the couch at night and that yummy kind of slumber that you don't want to get up from in the morning.
luckily this is a short week for me again and then I have the yoga retreat this weekend... so hopefully more of the same slumber, early morning sunshine and lots of yogahhhhhh :-)
I'm trying not to get too wrapped up in the counting and such as we wait to see if AF will appear again this month... feeling a sense of hope but hoping if she does I won't fall apart with disappointment. Seeing the 'o' day fall on CD 16 vs the other months of CD 21 and 23 just seems to hold so much promise and excitement for a successful month and finally our own BFP!
on pregnant little sister news... they are having a boy... I feel a little relieved somehow that it's a boy and not a girl... I guess I'm hoping for a girl and at least she hasn't taken that away... does that make sense? She called to tell me on Monday and through the conversation she also filled me in on her plan for the winter semester... she's going to take about a week - week and a half off when the baby arrives and then go right back to class... I think she said she was going to take 3 classes that semester. Little sister tags/posts are here if you care to catch up on the drama. lol
haircut tonight, acupuncture tomorrow and yogahhhh on friday... keeping things pretty mellow and zen so far as to ward off any stress that might get in the way of our TTC efforts :-)
but I'm sleepy... falling asleep on the couch at night and that yummy kind of slumber that you don't want to get up from in the morning.
luckily this is a short week for me again and then I have the yoga retreat this weekend... so hopefully more of the same slumber, early morning sunshine and lots of yogahhhhhh :-)
I'm trying not to get too wrapped up in the counting and such as we wait to see if AF will appear again this month... feeling a sense of hope but hoping if she does I won't fall apart with disappointment. Seeing the 'o' day fall on CD 16 vs the other months of CD 21 and 23 just seems to hold so much promise and excitement for a successful month and finally our own BFP!
on pregnant little sister news... they are having a boy... I feel a little relieved somehow that it's a boy and not a girl... I guess I'm hoping for a girl and at least she hasn't taken that away... does that make sense? She called to tell me on Monday and through the conversation she also filled me in on her plan for the winter semester... she's going to take about a week - week and a half off when the baby arrives and then go right back to class... I think she said she was going to take 3 classes that semester. Little sister tags/posts are here if you care to catch up on the drama. lol
haircut tonight, acupuncture tomorrow and yogahhhh on friday... keeping things pretty mellow and zen so far as to ward off any stress that might get in the way of our TTC efforts :-)
Monday, August 10
countdown to SA results
I'm going to wait till Wednesday to call the doc and see if they'll share the results with me or if my DH has to call. It's CD 18 and I'm pretty surprised I haven't gotten the big fertile day 1 on the ov watch yet... I guess you could have an anovulatory cycle... would that mean the watch wouldn't have anything to read?! I'm thinking the answer to that is yes... no ovulation, no surge to read... (touching chin... interestinggggg) hmmmm
So there have been some wacky family stuff going on.... of which I know only because my dad has been filling me in. My sister has decided (my pregnant sister who is due Feb. 2010) she is going to quit her job (yes I said quit) and go to university to become a social worker. Yes you read that right... quit job, pregnant, do fall semester, break for the winter and back to university summer or fall semester. My dad was FREAKING out when he called me last week to fill me in and he pretty much wanted me to call my mom and her bf and tell them what my sister was up to so they could try and stop her... save her from herself.
My sister has been saved from herself by my dad over and over again... after much talk and some slightly louder tones then our usual talks on the phone both myself and my step mom (who was sitting beside dad) we have managed to calm my dad down... he just loves his daughters too much. But where I have had my share of ups and downs, I have hit the wall and fallen down hard on a handful of occasions throughout my childhood and adult life to date... my sister.... not so much. So as awful as it may sound we aren't going to swoop in and fix this, try to save her from her own actions (we'll just get pinned as the bad guys who don't believe in her yada yada yada)... it is time for her to fall down hard and personally I think it best that happens now then later. I imagine something along the lines of she'll quit her really good job (we're talking vehicle allowance, commission, make your own schedule, be your own boss... she could do this without even taking a mat leave), start university, get completely annoyed with all the younger kids in university (she's 27) and eventually drop out but probably not in time to get her money back, live on student loan money until baby arrives and who knows how the rest will go from there. So new family motto when it comes to little sis my step mom and I are reminding my dad to hold close... "stop prolonging the inevitable!" Little sister needs to fall...
Now whether or not my mom and her bf will swoop in once things get really bad? time will tell. My mother likes her money too much to let any of it go and her bf might not stand for sister's shenanigans which would make my mom nervous that he might leave.... yeah we're kind of a crazy family but seriously who's family doesn't have at least some crazy?
So there have been some wacky family stuff going on.... of which I know only because my dad has been filling me in. My sister has decided (my pregnant sister who is due Feb. 2010) she is going to quit her job (yes I said quit) and go to university to become a social worker. Yes you read that right... quit job, pregnant, do fall semester, break for the winter and back to university summer or fall semester. My dad was FREAKING out when he called me last week to fill me in and he pretty much wanted me to call my mom and her bf and tell them what my sister was up to so they could try and stop her... save her from herself.
My sister has been saved from herself by my dad over and over again... after much talk and some slightly louder tones then our usual talks on the phone both myself and my step mom (who was sitting beside dad) we have managed to calm my dad down... he just loves his daughters too much. But where I have had my share of ups and downs, I have hit the wall and fallen down hard on a handful of occasions throughout my childhood and adult life to date... my sister.... not so much. So as awful as it may sound we aren't going to swoop in and fix this, try to save her from her own actions (we'll just get pinned as the bad guys who don't believe in her yada yada yada)... it is time for her to fall down hard and personally I think it best that happens now then later. I imagine something along the lines of she'll quit her really good job (we're talking vehicle allowance, commission, make your own schedule, be your own boss... she could do this without even taking a mat leave), start university, get completely annoyed with all the younger kids in university (she's 27) and eventually drop out but probably not in time to get her money back, live on student loan money until baby arrives and who knows how the rest will go from there. So new family motto when it comes to little sis my step mom and I are reminding my dad to hold close... "stop prolonging the inevitable!" Little sister needs to fall...
Now whether or not my mom and her bf will swoop in once things get really bad? time will tell. My mother likes her money too much to let any of it go and her bf might not stand for sister's shenanigans which would make my mom nervous that he might leave.... yeah we're kind of a crazy family but seriously who's family doesn't have at least some crazy?
Monday, July 20
guess who's coming to visit?
...my sister!
yup she forwarded an email to both myself and dad's email address with her flight itenerary (nothing else written in the email just a forward of the itenrary... she didn't even call either of us to ask if she could come... I'm sure she thinks we'll all be tickled pink to have her visit and show of her baby belly. I'm pretty sure she's thinking "I'll be half way through my pregnancy and can go shopping in (city) and get so much more then I can get in (city)."
The dates are early October... a Thursday to a Monday.... a weekend that I've already booked up with work/photo shoots (ok so my nose is growing slightly but that's the story I'm sticking to until I decide if I want or can see her). And my dad and step mom might actually be heading east that weekend... why wouldn't she have bothered to ask us if she could come... if it was okay? if we where available? You'd think when you're dropping $350+ on a flight you'd want to know the people you're coming to see are going to be home.... right? am I wrong here?
yup she forwarded an email to both myself and dad's email address with her flight itenerary (nothing else written in the email just a forward of the itenrary... she didn't even call either of us to ask if she could come... I'm sure she thinks we'll all be tickled pink to have her visit and show of her baby belly. I'm pretty sure she's thinking "I'll be half way through my pregnancy and can go shopping in (city) and get so much more then I can get in (city)."
The dates are early October... a Thursday to a Monday.... a weekend that I've already booked up with work/photo shoots (ok so my nose is growing slightly but that's the story I'm sticking to until I decide if I want or can see her). And my dad and step mom might actually be heading east that weekend... why wouldn't she have bothered to ask us if she could come... if it was okay? if we where available? You'd think when you're dropping $350+ on a flight you'd want to know the people you're coming to see are going to be home.... right? am I wrong here?
Thursday, July 16
texting
Sunday afternoon I get this text from my sister...
sister: so if i send ya some money via email will you pick me up some maternity pants at old navy? we don't have it here? side note: she's 10 wks
me: what about (city)? you probably want to be able to try'em on... just checked site... (city) has maternity stuff
sister: they do? I've never seen it in there
me: website says it does. maybe call them to ask
sister: I'll try them friday. i'm in meetings that day so on my way home I can pop in
this is the problem I have with my sister... she doesn't know how to do anything for herself. She has to travel to the (city) on a regular basis for her job... she could have easily called or checked website or just looked next time she was there. I can't imagine anything worst then going to old navy to shop for mat clothes for my sister and having the cashier say something like... when are you due? ah yeah these are for my little sister who didn't mean to get pregnant just yet. as if I don't have enough on my plate already with my own stuff
is she trying to include me somehow? talking with my dad this week it is very clear that in her 27 years here with us she only thinks about how everyone else is effecting her, how it makes her feel and NEVER actually steps back and acknowledge how her actions are effecting others. if her goal is to include me somehow (which I know it isn't really) then i would have rec'd a call with the big question about testing for downs/FAS etc and should she do it... this was the questions she had been throwing at my family but she didn't ask me that question. My dad didn't know what to think... I'm 31...he's been out of the pregnancy loop for awhile and didn't know why or what test she was talking about and got pretty worried about what she was up too till I calmed him down a bit letting him know it wasn't uncommon testing but the decision as I understood it was up to the parent.
In an email I rec'd from her last week she mentioned wanting to share her pregnancy with me every step of the way.... I haven't replied to it, doesn't really call for it but I don't want or need her to do that... if she pushes this share stuff anymore I'll put my foot down to re-establish the boundaries that need to be set but in the meantime I'm just kinda coasting along trying to make sure my focus is on us and to just shake my head whenever she comes up and move along.
sister: so if i send ya some money via email will you pick me up some maternity pants at old navy? we don't have it here? side note: she's 10 wks
me: what about (city)? you probably want to be able to try'em on... just checked site... (city) has maternity stuff
sister: they do? I've never seen it in there
me: website says it does. maybe call them to ask
sister: I'll try them friday. i'm in meetings that day so on my way home I can pop in
this is the problem I have with my sister... she doesn't know how to do anything for herself. She has to travel to the (city) on a regular basis for her job... she could have easily called or checked website or just looked next time she was there. I can't imagine anything worst then going to old navy to shop for mat clothes for my sister and having the cashier say something like... when are you due? ah yeah these are for my little sister who didn't mean to get pregnant just yet. as if I don't have enough on my plate already with my own stuff
is she trying to include me somehow? talking with my dad this week it is very clear that in her 27 years here with us she only thinks about how everyone else is effecting her, how it makes her feel and NEVER actually steps back and acknowledge how her actions are effecting others. if her goal is to include me somehow (which I know it isn't really) then i would have rec'd a call with the big question about testing for downs/FAS etc and should she do it... this was the questions she had been throwing at my family but she didn't ask me that question. My dad didn't know what to think... I'm 31...he's been out of the pregnancy loop for awhile and didn't know why or what test she was talking about and got pretty worried about what she was up too till I calmed him down a bit letting him know it wasn't uncommon testing but the decision as I understood it was up to the parent.
In an email I rec'd from her last week she mentioned wanting to share her pregnancy with me every step of the way.... I haven't replied to it, doesn't really call for it but I don't want or need her to do that... if she pushes this share stuff anymore I'll put my foot down to re-establish the boundaries that need to be set but in the meantime I'm just kinda coasting along trying to make sure my focus is on us and to just shake my head whenever she comes up and move along.
Tuesday, July 14
therapy
at a quick glance at my older posts it doesn't look like I've talked about my session with my therapist... which honestly people if you don't have a therapist this just translate to a really great chat or release with someone who won't judge.
So to sum up my session... I'm OK. LOL We had a good laugh towards the end of the session because she pretty much said she was very worried (told her briefly in an email that I wanted to see her because my younger sister is pregnant) about me and how my sister's pregnancy might effect just how well I am doing. But she was really surprised and pleased with the way I was handling it and that I was able to separate her pregnancy from my own life and happiness. Yeah sure I'm going to get a little bummed at times with my sister's pregnancy and whatever might be thrown at me in a text (like the one I got the other day asking me to go buy her some maternity clothes at old navy... ah NO... you can get them in your province albeit it's a 2 hour drive but still... come on, she makes the trip to that city every week for work!), email or over the phone but she is in another province and I don't have to see her regularly.. the situation as it stands now... couldn't be more perfect.
I have basically decided that if being pregnant right this second meant being in a relationship like the one my sister is in... then I don't want it. Over the last few months my sister and her fiance have been on the brink of a break up, my sister complaining and cry about how her fiance isn't being there for her and taking care of their home etc and they also decided to post pone their wedding which was previously going to be Sept. 5, 09. I do want her to be happy, and succeed and I hope that her relationship will survive the biggest challenge of their lives as they wait for this little one to arrive.
Okay back to me... ov watch is now at Ovulation day 1... I've entered our baby dancing details into my fertilityfriend.com account and we got a score of 'good' (score can be low, good or high).... I'll take that this month.... also on Sunday I felt a bit tender on the right side of my abdomen... so maybe that was ovulation pain? who knows... I've feeling good about our window this month and now the waiting starts before just maybe I'll make it far enough to use one of the pregnancy tests I've had on hand since we started this journey... yeah... since we started. I bought a bunch from early-pregnancy-tests.com way back in the fall of 2007... I looked at them last week and they expire Jan. 2010... which makes me laugh but in a truly "I'm so sad" kinda way. LOL
Tonight I have yoga and then it's time for some acupuncture. My naturopath and friend was so sweet to answer my emails on a Friday night "the watch said it's go time when should I schedule some acupuncture!" So I've got a session tonight and one scheduled from Thursday but I'm sure she'll let me know if I need to keep that session or not.
AND so proud of myself I filed ALL the papers/bills etc that where on my desk.. I had sorted them previously by business, personal and husband and then last night it took me an hour to put them into their respective files in the filing cabinet. Also in that hour I sorted receipts and filed'em and did some shredding. One more thing crossed OFF my list of to do's!!! woohooo :-)
So to sum up my session... I'm OK. LOL We had a good laugh towards the end of the session because she pretty much said she was very worried (told her briefly in an email that I wanted to see her because my younger sister is pregnant) about me and how my sister's pregnancy might effect just how well I am doing. But she was really surprised and pleased with the way I was handling it and that I was able to separate her pregnancy from my own life and happiness. Yeah sure I'm going to get a little bummed at times with my sister's pregnancy and whatever might be thrown at me in a text (like the one I got the other day asking me to go buy her some maternity clothes at old navy... ah NO... you can get them in your province albeit it's a 2 hour drive but still... come on, she makes the trip to that city every week for work!), email or over the phone but she is in another province and I don't have to see her regularly.. the situation as it stands now... couldn't be more perfect.
I have basically decided that if being pregnant right this second meant being in a relationship like the one my sister is in... then I don't want it. Over the last few months my sister and her fiance have been on the brink of a break up, my sister complaining and cry about how her fiance isn't being there for her and taking care of their home etc and they also decided to post pone their wedding which was previously going to be Sept. 5, 09. I do want her to be happy, and succeed and I hope that her relationship will survive the biggest challenge of their lives as they wait for this little one to arrive.
Okay back to me... ov watch is now at Ovulation day 1... I've entered our baby dancing details into my fertilityfriend.com account and we got a score of 'good' (score can be low, good or high).... I'll take that this month.... also on Sunday I felt a bit tender on the right side of my abdomen... so maybe that was ovulation pain? who knows... I've feeling good about our window this month and now the waiting starts before just maybe I'll make it far enough to use one of the pregnancy tests I've had on hand since we started this journey... yeah... since we started. I bought a bunch from early-pregnancy-tests.com way back in the fall of 2007... I looked at them last week and they expire Jan. 2010... which makes me laugh but in a truly "I'm so sad" kinda way. LOL
Tonight I have yoga and then it's time for some acupuncture. My naturopath and friend was so sweet to answer my emails on a Friday night "the watch said it's go time when should I schedule some acupuncture!" So I've got a session tonight and one scheduled from Thursday but I'm sure she'll let me know if I need to keep that session or not.
AND so proud of myself I filed ALL the papers/bills etc that where on my desk.. I had sorted them previously by business, personal and husband and then last night it took me an hour to put them into their respective files in the filing cabinet. Also in that hour I sorted receipts and filed'em and did some shredding. One more thing crossed OFF my list of to do's!!! woohooo :-)
Monday, June 22
little sister
so as I haven't really mentioned it again since last Saturday I thought it might be good to get some more down on the screen(paper)
after calling my dad yesterday to wish him a happy fathers day we ended up having one of our long chats as we sometimes do... and always do after my sister drops her latest bombshell on the family.
I've been kind of struggling with the idea of boundaries and how they apply to my relationships with those in my family. I want my dad to know that we are struggling but I don't want to give him all the details. And he reminded me yesterday that he is still there for me when I need him and it's okay to call and tell him as little as I need or want he won't pry and if I don't want to tell him that's okay too. It felt good to get that out there.
Excuse the rambling but just trying to remember various parts of the conversation in no particular order.
So of course we talked about my little sister and how neither of us is really surprised about her latest announcement. He told me that she was worried about telling me and felt bad... but I told him she didn't project that in our conversation when I kept trying to chance the subject and she wasn't getting it. And I confessed that I was sad that I wouldn't get to have the first grandchild but he reminded me that the first grandchild was her abortion all those years ago and that order doesn't exist in our family, first, second or third... it doesn't matter. Dad filled me in on some more shallowness of my sister.... he half expects her to call and say "i don't want to get that big right now so I had an abortion"... she's pretty absorbed in her appearance and pretty much believes that her happiness is based on the size of her waist.... so she isn't a healthy skinny with all the smoking & drinking. She does believe that she is better then me simply because she has lost a ton of weight which is odd considering she has spent the better part of her life trying to have what I had... the friends, boyfriends, clothes, husband, house... etc...
I have always been very mothering toward my sister... even once packing a bag for her to go visit my grandparents and asking her if she had any money, "no" and I gave her some of mine... just so she'd have a little in her pocket, I couldn't have been any older the 8 or 9 at the time. But I can't be mothering towards her right now... if she calls to asks questions about pregnancy I will tell her to ask our mother... she's done it twice or to go by a book! I can't mother her through this too.... I need to protect my own heart but then at the same time I feel a twinge of quilt for that unborn child and the world he/she is going to be coming into.
We even talked about her showing up on either of our door steps one day with her child and needing our help, a place to stay but neither one of us will rescue her anymore... she needs to grow up fast and take responsibility for her actions. I just hope she can do it in time, her and her boyfriend/fiance can do it in time to give that child a fighting chance at a happy and healthy life! That might all sound pretty harsh but there isn't enough time to get into all that my sister has but my dad through or myself and yet we keep getting up for another punch.. a person can only take so much before they know they've done everything they possibly can and it is what it is.
So today I'm not so sad, didn't really shed many tears after my out burst last Saturday. I wish it was me who was making that big announcement but not under those circumstances and not in that type of relationship... so overall I feel a little more at peace. Still going to see my therapist to get some good ideas/thoughts going on how to respond to people, to her and to what might come in the following months... but overall I'm good... I think I've said before I'm not really surprised she's pregnant just disappointed it isn't me.
after calling my dad yesterday to wish him a happy fathers day we ended up having one of our long chats as we sometimes do... and always do after my sister drops her latest bombshell on the family.
I've been kind of struggling with the idea of boundaries and how they apply to my relationships with those in my family. I want my dad to know that we are struggling but I don't want to give him all the details. And he reminded me yesterday that he is still there for me when I need him and it's okay to call and tell him as little as I need or want he won't pry and if I don't want to tell him that's okay too. It felt good to get that out there.
Excuse the rambling but just trying to remember various parts of the conversation in no particular order.
So of course we talked about my little sister and how neither of us is really surprised about her latest announcement. He told me that she was worried about telling me and felt bad... but I told him she didn't project that in our conversation when I kept trying to chance the subject and she wasn't getting it. And I confessed that I was sad that I wouldn't get to have the first grandchild but he reminded me that the first grandchild was her abortion all those years ago and that order doesn't exist in our family, first, second or third... it doesn't matter. Dad filled me in on some more shallowness of my sister.... he half expects her to call and say "i don't want to get that big right now so I had an abortion"... she's pretty absorbed in her appearance and pretty much believes that her happiness is based on the size of her waist.... so she isn't a healthy skinny with all the smoking & drinking. She does believe that she is better then me simply because she has lost a ton of weight which is odd considering she has spent the better part of her life trying to have what I had... the friends, boyfriends, clothes, husband, house... etc...
I have always been very mothering toward my sister... even once packing a bag for her to go visit my grandparents and asking her if she had any money, "no" and I gave her some of mine... just so she'd have a little in her pocket, I couldn't have been any older the 8 or 9 at the time. But I can't be mothering towards her right now... if she calls to asks questions about pregnancy I will tell her to ask our mother... she's done it twice or to go by a book! I can't mother her through this too.... I need to protect my own heart but then at the same time I feel a twinge of quilt for that unborn child and the world he/she is going to be coming into.
We even talked about her showing up on either of our door steps one day with her child and needing our help, a place to stay but neither one of us will rescue her anymore... she needs to grow up fast and take responsibility for her actions. I just hope she can do it in time, her and her boyfriend/fiance can do it in time to give that child a fighting chance at a happy and healthy life! That might all sound pretty harsh but there isn't enough time to get into all that my sister has but my dad through or myself and yet we keep getting up for another punch.. a person can only take so much before they know they've done everything they possibly can and it is what it is.
So today I'm not so sad, didn't really shed many tears after my out burst last Saturday. I wish it was me who was making that big announcement but not under those circumstances and not in that type of relationship... so overall I feel a little more at peace. Still going to see my therapist to get some good ideas/thoughts going on how to respond to people, to her and to what might come in the following months... but overall I'm good... I think I've said before I'm not really surprised she's pregnant just disappointed it isn't me.
Monday, June 15
massage
I had a wonderful all over body massage today... yummy! My RMT is also a friend, a single childless friend but someone who I can count on to give me a point of view that perhaps I can't yet see and tonight she did just that. She span this whole thing around for me and said "why don't you look at it this way.... the pressure is completely off of you now"
And she is right... we don't have to be the first and now that we are not, it is kind of like one less stress. sort of... I'm mulling this point of view over for now. lol
I did shed a few tears while I was on her table but only because I know it's a safe place... like I've already said this just all feels like a really bad dream.
I've booked an appointment for July 2, it's kinda far away but still at least I know it's coming up and I can focus on making it through these next few weeks until I can see her.
I haven't heard from my mom, dad or step mom yet nor have I bothered to call. I guess I'm just going to avoid them for a little while. Maybe they're thinking nothing of it but I can't imagine my dad would be so thick... he's got to know this is hurting me. Maybe no one knows exactly what to say right now?... who knows, maybe they'd all just tell me I'm over reacting and to just be happy for her but I can't... not yet, maybe never, not really and truly happy.
And she is right... we don't have to be the first and now that we are not, it is kind of like one less stress. sort of... I'm mulling this point of view over for now. lol
I did shed a few tears while I was on her table but only because I know it's a safe place... like I've already said this just all feels like a really bad dream.
I've booked an appointment for July 2, it's kinda far away but still at least I know it's coming up and I can focus on making it through these next few weeks until I can see her.
I haven't heard from my mom, dad or step mom yet nor have I bothered to call. I guess I'm just going to avoid them for a little while. Maybe they're thinking nothing of it but I can't imagine my dad would be so thick... he's got to know this is hurting me. Maybe no one knows exactly what to say right now?... who knows, maybe they'd all just tell me I'm over reacting and to just be happy for her but I can't... not yet, maybe never, not really and truly happy.
another week
so I haven't given my sister anymore tears other then Saturday.. so far so good... I sort of can't believe it.. feels almost like a really REALLY bad dream.
I'm so disappointed overall... but at the same time not really surprised at her behavior. She has always been so so selfish and self absorbed. She didn't even acknowledge that we have been struggling to conceive and she does know that we have been trying for a long time. I don't know what she could have said or should have said to make it feel any better though... we are such opposites in so many ways.
I have always pretty much played by the book in life.... studied hard, worked hard, waited to have sex until I was ready, never drank, tried drugs once, didn't act out in crazy ways against my parents, found a wonderful man, didn't let other guys walk all over me, went to college, made a career for myself, a small business too, got married, bought a house, got a dog, waiting until we felt we where as ready as we could be to start a family... and now here I am at 31 with the 2 year mark of TTC in sight and my little sister beat me to it.
She has "dethroned me" our child will not get that first grandchild title.... why is that so important to me... why does it feel so wrong that she's going to get to have a child before I do? When we have been ready for so long my little sister who just weeks before this was crying to my mother about dumping her fiance and getting his name off the mortgage so she could stay in her house! My sister who didn't know what milk for babies was called.. formula! My little sister who was smoking while talking to me on the phone to share her good news. She has no idea what she is in for... she is no further ahead in her mind then she was 12 years ago when she told me she was pregnant the first time. She hasn't bothered to learn and prepare and I keep thinking of bits of information I should be telling her (are you taking folic acid, a multi?, have you quit smoking yet?, don't touch the cat litter.... ) but why the hell should I? it doesn't fucking matter... she's just going to do her own thing anyway and I can't worry about her anymore or her unborn child... there is nothing I can do for either of them... my sister has never needed or wanted my advice or guidance... so know I feel like if she does ask... fuck off and go figure it out for yourself, on your own for just once in your life!!!! Do something on your own and for yourself. oh wow.. there's the anger coming out.
I will be booking a couple of sessions with the therapist I saw about this time last year. I don't want this to eat me up and leave me unable to conceive. I don't want to argue with my family about my sister being pregnant... I haven't heard from anyone else in my family by the way... I guess no one else knows what to say to me either.. I feel closed off even more now. I felt it starting before as we'd opt to stay home then head to the cottage so many times in the last few months (hello?! sex at the cottage can't always happen when it needs too lol)... now it might get even worse... and then it could turn into an argument that I'm the one being selfish... isn't family dynamics great?
Luckily she is in NB and I'm here in ON and we only see each other about once a year.
And thank god for my most wonderful husband that reminded me this weekend of just how excited my dad and step mom (also in ON) will be when we make our own big announcement... it won't be full of worry and fear for my sister and her relationship. They will be excited for us and can actually enjoy and celebrate with us without the worry that surrounds my sister's pregnancy.
I'm so disappointed overall... but at the same time not really surprised at her behavior. She has always been so so selfish and self absorbed. She didn't even acknowledge that we have been struggling to conceive and she does know that we have been trying for a long time. I don't know what she could have said or should have said to make it feel any better though... we are such opposites in so many ways.
I have always pretty much played by the book in life.... studied hard, worked hard, waited to have sex until I was ready, never drank, tried drugs once, didn't act out in crazy ways against my parents, found a wonderful man, didn't let other guys walk all over me, went to college, made a career for myself, a small business too, got married, bought a house, got a dog, waiting until we felt we where as ready as we could be to start a family... and now here I am at 31 with the 2 year mark of TTC in sight and my little sister beat me to it.
She has "dethroned me" our child will not get that first grandchild title.... why is that so important to me... why does it feel so wrong that she's going to get to have a child before I do? When we have been ready for so long my little sister who just weeks before this was crying to my mother about dumping her fiance and getting his name off the mortgage so she could stay in her house! My sister who didn't know what milk for babies was called.. formula! My little sister who was smoking while talking to me on the phone to share her good news. She has no idea what she is in for... she is no further ahead in her mind then she was 12 years ago when she told me she was pregnant the first time. She hasn't bothered to learn and prepare and I keep thinking of bits of information I should be telling her (are you taking folic acid, a multi?, have you quit smoking yet?, don't touch the cat litter.... ) but why the hell should I? it doesn't fucking matter... she's just going to do her own thing anyway and I can't worry about her anymore or her unborn child... there is nothing I can do for either of them... my sister has never needed or wanted my advice or guidance... so know I feel like if she does ask... fuck off and go figure it out for yourself, on your own for just once in your life!!!! Do something on your own and for yourself. oh wow.. there's the anger coming out.
I will be booking a couple of sessions with the therapist I saw about this time last year. I don't want this to eat me up and leave me unable to conceive. I don't want to argue with my family about my sister being pregnant... I haven't heard from anyone else in my family by the way... I guess no one else knows what to say to me either.. I feel closed off even more now. I felt it starting before as we'd opt to stay home then head to the cottage so many times in the last few months (hello?! sex at the cottage can't always happen when it needs too lol)... now it might get even worse... and then it could turn into an argument that I'm the one being selfish... isn't family dynamics great?
Luckily she is in NB and I'm here in ON and we only see each other about once a year.
And thank god for my most wonderful husband that reminded me this weekend of just how excited my dad and step mom (also in ON) will be when we make our own big announcement... it won't be full of worry and fear for my sister and her relationship. They will be excited for us and can actually enjoy and celebrate with us without the worry that surrounds my sister's pregnancy.
Thursday, January 29
September Wedding
remember how I was all worked up about my sister's wedding and baby and when or if we would be attending with baby or fingers crossed a big belly??? well....... My sister and her fiance have decided to put the wedding on hold... they are still together but they're thinking they might do a destination wedding. You'd have to know my sister (a post all its own) but we where kind of thinking this might happen. I love my sister's spirit and zest for life... she lives in the moment but sometimes she has a tendency for neglecting to notice how her actions are affecting those around her... its been this way 4-EVER!!
Is it wrong that I'm kinda relieved? We hope so much that this year we'll be blessed with our own little one starting the next chapter as a family of three (+ one fur baby of course). And if that doesn't come and we're into some fertility testing etc I just want to be selfish and focus on us this year.... our relationship, our home, our family. Emotionally, financially and spiritually.
Is it wrong that I'm kinda relieved? We hope so much that this year we'll be blessed with our own little one starting the next chapter as a family of three (+ one fur baby of course). And if that doesn't come and we're into some fertility testing etc I just want to be selfish and focus on us this year.... our relationship, our home, our family. Emotionally, financially and spiritually.
Friday, November 28
an emotional mess....that's what I am today (i started that post on Tuesday)
I was just an mess on Tuesday... I couldn't stop crying for the better part of the morning and of course I was at work and couldn't just go home because of a big meeting scheduled for the afternoon.
what was wrong? everything... of course!
- no success this month with TTC
- stress of christmas and money spending
- a 4th person was laid off at DH workplace, DH still has a job but the stress + period + no baby just was too much
- my dad giving me a hard time about bowing out of the family gathering on my step mom's side on the 13th (reason more money as they sprung a gift exchange into the mix + we'd be responsible for bring 2 dishes to the potluck + the 2.5 hr drive + no one bothered to answer my question about whether or not we could bring our dog until a week later)
- stress of TTC next month cause if we do, baby would arrive in late August and my sister finally set the date for her wedding... yeah... Sept. 5th. We have been trying for too long now to stop for a couple months with the idea of being at her wedding. Yes of course I want to be there (suppose to be in the wedding party) but I can't stop living my life and TTC when the wedding is just under 1 year away... even if we did wait till March to start trying again I could still miss the wedding due to bed rest or complications or doctors orders to not travel (wedding is in NB).... so we are trying agian in December.. because we both want to get this show on the road. lol
yeah so this week started off with an awful yucky loud bang but luckily we got through it, are getting through it... looking after ourselves and trying not to worry so much about what everyone else things or feels... sometimes you just have to put yourself first, okay all the time but its ten thousand times harder this time of year :-(
I was just an mess on Tuesday... I couldn't stop crying for the better part of the morning and of course I was at work and couldn't just go home because of a big meeting scheduled for the afternoon.
what was wrong? everything... of course!
- no success this month with TTC
- stress of christmas and money spending
- a 4th person was laid off at DH workplace, DH still has a job but the stress + period + no baby just was too much
- my dad giving me a hard time about bowing out of the family gathering on my step mom's side on the 13th (reason more money as they sprung a gift exchange into the mix + we'd be responsible for bring 2 dishes to the potluck + the 2.5 hr drive + no one bothered to answer my question about whether or not we could bring our dog until a week later)
- stress of TTC next month cause if we do, baby would arrive in late August and my sister finally set the date for her wedding... yeah... Sept. 5th. We have been trying for too long now to stop for a couple months with the idea of being at her wedding. Yes of course I want to be there (suppose to be in the wedding party) but I can't stop living my life and TTC when the wedding is just under 1 year away... even if we did wait till March to start trying again I could still miss the wedding due to bed rest or complications or doctors orders to not travel (wedding is in NB).... so we are trying agian in December.. because we both want to get this show on the road. lol
yeah so this week started off with an awful yucky loud bang but luckily we got through it, are getting through it... looking after ourselves and trying not to worry so much about what everyone else things or feels... sometimes you just have to put yourself first, okay all the time but its ten thousand times harder this time of year :-(
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