I did it!

Ok I have thought about so many of you for the last few weeks wanting and needing to share with you that I did it! I resigned from my job... project leave my job 2010... DONE! Checked off the list! :-)

This is my second week in f/t self employment land and I've been seriously rocking it. Everything is falling into place perfectly and the work just keeps on coming... photo shoots and web work too.

I'm feeling so full of possibility on what the next few months will bring. I know I have more work to do on so many levels but oh my god ladies it feels so amazing to feel like 'me' once again. The person I was 5 1/2 years ago only smarter and more willing to do things that scare the crap out of me.

Here I go!

:-)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Daytona Tuesday

A long overdue Daytona Tuesday!

We left Daytona at a doggie daycare/boarding place and it was perfect. I'm sure we missed him way more then he missed us. What I liked most about this place was he would basically be with the pack vs in his own space alone and unable to play with all the other dogs around him... that wouldn't have worked for him at all. Here's his front paws on the seat of the truck shortly after we picked him up.

Psychic reading

So it was a few weeks ago now but I did go see a psychic.

Now let me just start by saying that I've never wanted to know what the future holds or who's around me and all that jazz. I guess to an extent I feel connected to what I need to know but the reason for finally deciding to give it a try was for a couple reasons. The woman I found online payed attention to her website and wrote from the heart. I just really liked how genuine she came across and liked what she had to say about her approach to readings and how she saw herself compared to others out there that might lead someone astray with their "visions". Also I just had a couple of questions. I needed some affirmation if you will that I wasn't wasting my time and on a path that was keeping me from becoming a mother. I don't feel that I am and with her guidance I just feel that much more confident in the path we've chosen to stick to for now.

So as I mentioned my two questiuons that I really wanted answers to

a.... will I ever get pregnant and finally become a mom
b.... will I be successful running my business when I finally leave my job

So here's what I learned from the reading.

- apparently there is something exciting that will happen around christmas but definatly before the new year.. unsure of what and she wasn't confident that it was necessarily baby related but something exciting. She even asked me to contact her and let her know what it ended up being.

- she admitted that generally she can see into the future about 5 years and in 5 years she does see me with 2 kids, a boy and a girl but it was unclear how old they are

- I will have my own biological children and to stay on the course I've been on. I admitted that I wasn't sure if we should start the adoption process and that it didn't feel right for us and she said no, stay on the path you're on right now. I don't see adoption as your future and I think it will only deter you from the path you should be taking

- again I will get pregnant but there will still be some sort of fertility augmentation in order to make that happen

- there was something about an older male that is close to me who will pass but it will be expected (no idea here so we'll see) My immediate concern my dad (I'm such a daddy's girl) but she didn't feel that he was that close.. someone else that wasn't related to me I think is what she said

- that we will struggle financially this winter... we'll be fine but as with every winter over the last couple of years it will be tight

- my business is completely "viable" and she felt that it would require it's own space someday. A location outside of my home. That makes me very excited and completely freaked out but I'm learning that if I'm going to be successful I need to do things that scare me.

The dentist appointment

.... for 3 years I've told them no...you can't take x-rays today we're trying to make a baby... no, nope sorry, no over and over again and this time I told them yes, yes you can take them cause we still aren't pregnant and I know today that I'm not in a window of waiting. Then it was the most eerily quite dental cleaning to date. As though this woman had a profound sense of sadness for what I must be going through 3 years under my belt unsuccessful still.

I feel like so much has happened since my last post so I'll try to keep this simple for now...

- operation leave my f/t job is still in effect however it's been bumped to March 2011... my husband works on boats, big ones but still his hours can be effected during the winter months so as much as I want to pout and stomp my feet and cry NO, NO, NO.. I will stay put until March.

- I'm working with a business coach, a women's business coach and she's helped me (in only two sessions) identify and push through some of my core beliefs that have been quite possibly sabotaging my success. It feels good, it's going to be a lot of work but failure (meaning staying in this job and not acknowledging my true authentic self and all that I love and want to be) is not an option at this point. Five years is enough

- I'm so tired. I'm working like crazy at the moment. The fall season is always a busy time for me so add a busy fall to an already busy schedule of web work and photo shoots and a BIL getting married among other things makes for a busy, stupid schedule

- DH and I are going to see my psychologist together. Not because we're hanging of the cliff to anything bad but because we need to make sure we're both hearing each other as we move forward with the changes to come over the next several months. I'm so happy he will come with me. Maybe there are thoughts he hasn't quite been able to work through that could be keeping us from soaring.

- Saw the doc again last month after our holiday from all things fertility over the summer. I can hardly believe we did 2 iui's in the spring... that seems so long ago. So new plan... DH will do another SA in 2 months after he's diligent in taking his vitamins etc. After those results there might be some u/s and a new doc in the mix for my husband to see... oh yeah you can imagine the freaked out'ness that DH had. Hopefully it won't get that far though. I will be have a Lap done in January... preferably late January to see if there's something else that we can't see at this point that might be hindering our efforts. But in the meantime we'll just be enjoying having sex because we want to and reconnecting because we need to... outside of the fertility stuff.

- I saw a psychic. I've never done that before... ever and always been scared of what I might hear. I really only had two questions for her... will I have my own biological child(ren)? and will I be successful in my business? The answer to both in a nut shell... yes. I'll dedicate that story to a post all it's own.

So that sort of brings you up to speed on what's been going on. We had a nice holiday in the maritimes the end of August ending it off with my sister's very small and simple wedding. I took the pictures and then I cried as we left town that morning for the long drive home because I didn't have enough time to soak up my amazing nephew. I miss him terribly and wish I could drop the money without much worry on a flight just to be with him for a weekend. It's starting to hurt more then ever before seeing chubby little faces of babies and children all around us.  We are just so aware and I want to believe that a little smile from those babies and tots that have crossed our paths and locked eyes with ours as we gaze and admire them.. I want to believe they're smiling back is letting me know we'll be ok... our turn is coming.

As I was babysitting a girlfriend's son a few weeks ago and I stayed close to his bed until I was positive he was headed to dreamland I whispered to him to ask the angels above to send us a little one as precious as he was.

an iPhone snap taken during the long drive home

Dear childhood friend who just had a baby

This is a letter I wrote to a childhood friend shortly before she had her baby.. I never sent the letter/email but it felt good to put it down. So I hope you don't mind if I share it with all of you :-)

Dear Childhood friend,

It's amazing how life takes hold and before you know it months and years have passed without having shared time with one of your best childhood friends. I know neither one of us has necessarily been good at keeping our friendship alive with so much distance between us but I just wanted you to know I think of you often and am so excited that you'll wear the title of mom so very very soon.



I've managed to put a big bubble around my life in the last three years. Putting even more distance between those I hold so dear, some family and many friends. In those three years (dear husband) and I have struggles to have a family of our own. We've gone as far as the fertility clinics, so many tests, HSG, cycle monitoring, clomid, HCG shots and IUI's all foreign to your own experience I hope. I would not wish this heartache on anyone and although I know and believe with all my heart that we'll have our own little one someday it still stings as those around us celebrate this new beginning in their own lives.



I guess maybe I've wanted to share my own experience with you for awhile now but as I said life gets in the way and we tend to think maybe this just isn't the right time.



Today and in the coming months I'm feeling so alive as I work towards leaving my full-time job to go back to running my business again. This job has allowed us the opportunity to easily purchase a home but that was 5 years ago and with the mortgage renewal just a couple months away the realization that I'm still here and had expected to be long gone by now working from home with a toddler walking around is sinking in. I've sort of been living life on hold in some ways... only moving forward one month at a time and only seeing myself as Minname trying to get pregnant instead of Minname, wife, daughter, business woman, sister and friend.

That's as far as I got. It just sort of poured out of me but I couldn't send it... it felt a little selfish as she was waiting for her bean to arrive to draw attention to myself in some way and that's just not me.

Preparations towards leaving my job are going well. I actually made my savings goal and then since I still have a couple months to go I socked a bunch of it against credit card debts in an effort to bring our debt ratio down and also bring up the credit score (always a work in progress of course but hoping for the best come October). So I'm back to saving up again but still the account is padded and staying that way... that feels pretty damn good!

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

just wanted to share...

... that today I'm wearing a skirt! I haven't felt very good about doing that in a very long time. I also smiled while driving all the way into work this morning and thinking about this is the last August that I'll ever have to make this drive on a daily basis.

This is also day 3 of getting back on the wagon for better eating and getting my body moving again. DH and I want to feel good on our trip to the Maritimes and all that sitting/driving/eating out we'll be in for and we just needed to smarten up and do what we know we should be doing. I even went on two separate walks yesterday.. one with my small biz girlfriends for our weekly meeting to keep ourselves on track and second with DH and Daytona after DH was home from training (he's a volunteer firefighter). DH even said we could get ice cream while on the walk to which I replied NO I turned down DQ today and it's almost the end of the day you are not going to mess this up! NO NO NO! all while smiling and laughing but firm that he knew I wasn't messing around.

It was his idea to get back on the wagon on Monday and he was already trying to derail things by Tuesday... sheesssshhh!

little rant...

Pregnant Yuppy was having a little rant over on her blog about the advice people seem compelled to share now that she's expecting... post here so here's a little rant of my own in a different direction.

Have you noticed the number of friends who are moms who like to poke fun at your desire to be a mom too? I've noticed this recently in the women closes to me... the comments go something along the lines of them complaining about what has been happening recently with their little one(s) and then they top off the complain with a "sure you really want to get yourself into this?" and we laugh like it's no big deal and bah ha ha the jokes so going to be on you when you have one. "sure you want a child?"

Nope.... I've just been throwing money away on tests and vitamins/supplements and acupuncture, reflexology, massage therapy, ov watch sensors, opk kits, pregnancy tests, iui(s), HCG shots, clomid... you know just cause I've got the money (not!) and it's burning a whole in my pocket so what the hell might as well shoot the money gun off in an effort to get to mommyhood.

Yes I get that it's going to be harder then I can ever possibly imagine at this point in my life without a child but COME ON... I've been working hard to get there and with every story you tell about how difficult it is and asking me if I'm sure I want this... (yes I fucking want this) These moms quickly forget switching gears from complaining to telling a story about what their child said or did just the other day that would just make your heart melt... yeah what sane person would want that?!

hello stranger...

oh dear it's been awhile. this will be a quick update if anyone is reading.

I am well. I am happy but every time I think to write a blog post I get distracted and onto another thing on my to do list that keeps on growing every single day.

Operation "leave my full time job" could not possibly be going any better. I'm blown away by the work that has come in just in the last month. I'm excited to share with family, friends even my chiropractor this shift that has happened. I'm following my passion once again. I'm finding my way back to myself again and it feels so great. I realize my struggle to conceive has not been as lengthy as some and maybe my plan is pretty drastic to some. But I must find myself again. I took a f/t job to get a mortgage and a mat leave (a whole year in Canada) and that hasn't happened and holy crap it's 5 years later and the mortgage is due for renewal soon.. how did that happen?

I've gone through different bouts of sadness with this... at first I was convinced that I had done nothing but run on a hamster wheel for a five year period and I was so disappointed in myself... 5 years later same place in life just 50 lbs heavier... yeah me! But I realize now that I have grown... so it took me 5 years to stand up and say "enough" it's my turn to live life and I'll be damned if I live it by "the man's" rules. I'll create the life I want the life I always expected to have. To have my small business, work from home, have a family and keep on working and growing my client base, my knowledge, my experience. I just got a little side tracked by about 3 years with the oh so comfy job (which honestly isn't because of a certain boss who I've written about before).

So where am I at right now? What's the time line? Have a left yet?

Right now I'm $1000 short on the 2 months worth of expenses to keep my husband happy and comfortable with my leaving the job. I'm blown away that it has happened so quickly because as it stands right now I'll be staying put until mortgage renewal time and that's October.. right now we're waiting for the renewal papers from the mortgage company and then we'll be attempting to dump some dept into the renewal. So haven't left yet but I know I will celebrate 2011 as a self-employed person. All efforts to conceive and/or try to figure out why we have been unsuccessful are on hold and a distant memory in so many ways.

I'm working like crazy to keep on top of everything I have on my plate and keep the invoices going out so more work can keep on coming in. And for now that is and will continue to be my focus. Yoga attendance has been poor (ok non existent) but I'm not beating myself up over it. Eating.. not so great but dh asked that we get back at it on Monday and I'm game... when he's on board it makes it so much easier cause he spoils me with his cooking and meal planning awesomeness! Once I've left the job then I'll have more time to find my routine again. I use to workout a least a few times a week when I was self-employed, had time to put dinner on the table for DH and I, a little house work mixed in here and there and I'll also be getting an hour back since I won't have the daily commute to and from the office. And so much of the stress that has likely been the bully behind my not being able to scream from the hilltops "I'm pregnant!" will finally shift. I'm not saying it'll be easy but I do know that it will feed my soul like nothing else can right now.

I am happy, I'm excited and I'm going to making this happen.

Daytona Tuesday

Here's a picture from almost two weeks ago up in beautiful Tobermory, ON

DH coaxing Daytona in for a swim. I forgot a ball so it was hard to get him to go in :-)
And DH isn't dressed just cooling off before he goes scuba diving.

Time for Change

Inspired by Anne's post about change ( click here ) I thought it was time to share with you the change I'm working towards making in my own life.

I know I've mentioned it before but this time I mean it... I'm going to be leaving my f/t job before 2011. It is time! Just as Anne and her husband purchased a home in an area great for families... I have been in a job I do not enjoy for 5 YEARS because we wanted to start a family. Now we haven't been in TTC mode for 5 years but the last 3 come September is a couple of years too many as far as my job is concerned.

I'm not going to be living my life by the code of "we might be pregnant soon" anymore because that has not worked. One not so great job complete with crap salary got us into our first home and that is wonderful. We love our area, yes it would be great for kids, but it's also great for us... quite dead end street, mature trees and wonderful sunset views from our livingroom window for Daytona to enjoy. lol Although I've stopped stepping on the scales I'm sure I've put on a good 50 lbs since starting my job, my skills go completely unappreciated and there is no where to move forward with the company. I'm but one creative being among a see of sales people, engineers and one micro-managing bitch of a boss lady. IT is time for change.

I have a plan. Dollar amounts we're saving for, a mortgage due for renewal in October, new business website being designed by me for my web/graphic side of my small business, tasks being executed all in an effort to make sure I can leave my job before 2011. My husband is 100% behind me and probably just as fearful as I am but with 2 or months expenses in the bank his mind will be at ease when the time comes. I can feel the old me creeping back into my everyday, the business woman I felt I once was, confident and ambitious.... an entrepreneur through and through. I'm remembering what it means to be me, who I am and not just me trying to get pregnant.

And because it just wouldn't be Tuesday without a picture of you know who... here he is checking out the view from our livingroom window.

Daytona Tuesday

On the drive home from our weekend away in Tobermory we discovered another song that makes Daytona wanna sing (can't wait to get the newest iPhone so I can capture these moments on video).

This time is was KT Tunstall (Black Horse & The Cherry Tree)
but Gwen Stefani's Sweet Escape works every single time too.

Spirit Babies

Does anyone else have this book?
Do I want to read it, need to read it?
Will I find some comfort from reading it?

Daytona Tuesday

Another picture of my new furry little sister. We're off on a camping trip this weekend but next weekend I think we'll be heading to the cottage again for a visit with my dad and step mom... can't wait to see how she's changed in a months time :-)

CD 1

I can't keep doing what we've been doing at this point. Something must change and I believe that shift has to happen in my job. I took this position leaving behind self-employment, for two reasons... 1. mortgage and 2. mat leave. We got the house but now as I come up to my 5th year with this company I can't bare the thought of making it to a 6th. I'm not suppose to be here... I should have had 1 child already... I'm carrying another 50+ lbs since I started here... and this job is the one constant in my life that makes me sad and so very unhappy.

I'm reminded everyday of the stress from a boss who does not respect me or my well being by questioning when I'm late or what my doctors appointments are for. My abilities and effort are not respected or rewarded... that $500 raise I got this year is just a slap in the face as far as I'm concerned considering the time, energy and knowledge I've given.

It's time for change. I can't bring myself to put more money towards treatment when my stress level is so dependent on someone elses mood that day or week. I feel like I'm wasting money. I tried two cycles and it did not work so it's time for a new plan of action.

Thank god for my husband! He is behind me 100% and he too can see it now as I do what this job has taken from us. He wants to see his kids doing silly things, to play with them, to hold them... he sees it just as much as I do as we go about our daily lives.

So the plan is to search for 1 or 2 part-time employers... people/companies who can't afford or feel they need someone with my skill set in the office 5 days a week but I can show them what having me for X number of hours each week can do for them. It will be some leg work and research but I have a team I can turn to and then the most wonderful thing is it will allow me to spend more time on my business. Time to put all my own marketing ideas into motion to build that side of my career. The p/t work will just be that cushion as I make the transition back into f/t self-employment and plan for our family.

I'm scare, exhausted and uncomfortable but this feels like what I should have been doing years ago. This job has served a purpose but it is not going to allow me to get where I want to be next and so I must go. I am ready to live my life for me again.

CD 27 12 dpo

Test was negative this morning but still no aunt flow... so still hoping and praying for a BFP!

Daytona Tuesday

Laying on the couch the other night I look up from my pillow to see this....

what a dog...

CD 26, 11 dpo

so I've been taking it easy as of late. just trying to stay out of my head and preoccupied for the most part and I was doing really good at it until yesterday. DH was away all weekend and my mind started to wander and count and compare and well you know the drill.

So with every clomid cycle I seem to have a 27/28 day cycle so that said I think I'm going to POAS tomorrow morning. I have the day off to wait for the internet tech to come out to our home in the a.m. so I can have the day at home to be sad or jump for joy or remain completely in the dark as I wait for AF or BFP if I end up with a BFN tomorrow.

Last cycle I did only have 1 egg release, 1 iui and I had spotting on CD 25 but this cycle I had 2 (possibly 3) eggs release, 2 iui's and no spotting yet. I'm almost afraid to dream that we could possibly finally be pregnant. I was telling my therapist just last week that I've had so much disappointment I have no idea anymore of what kind of happiness and excitement a positive could bring. I'm too afraid of another negative result to really let my guard down and hope. I feel like it's coming soon but will it be this month or will I have to wait again

officially exhausted

I'm finally done being poked for this cycle (well other then acupuncture that is). And I just feel like I need a NAP!

I've been to u/s all 4 days of our short work week here and 2 iui's done early evening both Wednesday and Thursday. I think I may have released 2 follicles and there was a 30mm holding on this morning as well. Off to acupuncture this afternoon to make sure that one goes too but for now I am done! yeah!

Last night as I was heading home to pick up the "sample" there was an accident at the end of our street... thank god I didn't see it but as I was trying to drive past everything the woman was climbing out of the ditch her hands in the air screaming "stop, stop, stop". There where a lot of people that had stopped but I couldn't NOT stop too. I just pulled over and hugged her. She was shaking like a leaf and so worried about her granddaughter who had also been in the car but was out with her grandfather on the road. Everyone was ok just really shaken. So after I held this woman for awhile telling her everything was ok and everyone was fine the grandfather gives me this toddler and collapses to his knees shaking and holding his chest. I think he just needed a moment to absorb everything and once his granddaughter realized that she didn't know who I was she was reaching for him again in tears. And then I slipped away into my car to drive down our street to home so I could get you know what from my DH and head straight to the clinic. What a freaking night!

As my friend and ND said just the other day (even before this happened) "your baby wants a really good story!" And I would have to agree.

- RN's at clinic making sure I'm ok with twins
- 2 iui's (two different doctor's... think I've met them all now... lol)
- at least 2 mature released follicles released and maybe a 3rd today
- our 4th wedding anniversary
- possibility of DH being called away for work
- DH came with me to first IUI (first time he's seen me in that position with a dr. but he kept me laughing while we waited)
- and an accident

Here's hoping this is it and we'll be on our way to a healthy, happy baby of our own. :-)

Let the 2 week wait BEGIN!

My hopes for 2010 (revisited)

So as I did last year I'm just checking in with my hopes for 2010 as I know have almost a full 5 months under my belt this year.

My Hopes for 2010

... continue with my weekly small business meeting with 3 other women as we support each other to grow our business and tackle this list of things we always want and mean to do but never seem to get to. Putting the procrastination book and fast track phototog book on the list of tasks with this group so they'll keep me accountable

Having this small group of women to call back on and keep myself accountable for so many things that might otherwise fall off my radar has been so fantastic on so many levels... not just professionally but also emotionally. I don't even know that I have the words to express my appreciation for them in my life.... but I still have not finished those two books.

... want to purchase a new camera body and at least 2 lens

Nope not yet. So much of the extra funds have been swallowed up by credit cards payments and fertility treatments that until we renew the mortgage this fall and the expenses start to level out the money needs to go to these two things and not against new equipment just yet.

... I will keep up my yoga classes at the studio twice a week and a third class on Saturday morning whenever possible

pretty good overall... was doing 3 to 4 classes until I started up with the iui stuff. now I've been taking it a little easier... getting rest when I think I need it and not filling up my time after work so much. But I know I should really be walking more when I'm not hitting as many yoga classes

... to honour the importance Daytona plays in our lives. He provides us so much comedic relief on a daily basis he deserves a good play or walk as much as possible. When I think about a maternity leave I think about not having to leave him all day

he is the apple of our eye and he's been loving playing at the dog park again now that it's no so messy and cold outside. he's so exhausted from our weekend at the cottage with everyone... didn't stop much all weekend long. lol

... emotional eating... continue taking steps, however slowly, to make changes in my relationship with food

I'm aware and doing what I can without making it a huge issue at the moment. sometimes my strength wins and sometimes it looses but I'm ok with it being that way right now. I don't feel that my eating has been as extreme as it has been in the past. February we did amazing and cut out all the junk and sugar for an entire month. So I know in my mind that it can be done!

I see 2010 holding a big change in terms of my job... the company is a little shaky and I'm either going to find myself on mat leave by this time next year OR striking out on my own again with my small business. Ultimately this has always been the goal... the job was to get the mortgage and then a mat leave we just didn't think it would take this long to get pregnant... that said I can't help but believe that everything truly does happen for a reason. Now that I'm being more active in my business and making it grow again and taking control of the things that left me blind to how well my business was or wasn't doing (hello! bookkeeping done for 2009 already and not in april 2010!).

Feeling more on track then I ever have when it comes to growing my small business. there is a timeline that's been developing over the last couple of weeks. As we take on iui's and mortgage renewal and the lack of a pregnancy in our lives just yet. I feel more and more that until something shifts with this job I'm in I might never really be able to get that BFP that I've spent so much time running after. So I'll stay put for now and wait for mortgage renewal this fall and we'll probably clean up some debts at the same time and then I'll start to tackle the possibility of finding 1 or 2 part-time jobs that will use my skill set in web/graphic design, just to keep my foot in the "employee" side of things and that will leave me with so much more time to keep building my business and put all the exciting marketing ideas and plans into motion so my business continues to flourish right along with the life we want for ourselves.

4 years married!

Married 4 years and together for 7 years this October... hard to believe but it almost feels like he's always been there. We always laugh every single day, kisses, I love you's, hugs good-bye, hello and just because... with him I know we'll get over this hurdle life has thrown our way. That we'll learn just how strong we really are when we thought we couldn't handle anymore.

He's my 'handsome' and I'm his 'beautiful'.

CD 13 - IUI + clomid + HCG

it's that time again....

u/s this morning showed my right ovary has a whooping 24mm folli and a 19 coming along. The left side... another 19 and 15 too... the RN actually said to me... are you opposed to twins? My reply "hell no, let's just get it done!" lol

So I'm still waiting for "the" call about what time the iui will happen exactly but all looks good, got the HCG shot again too.

In comparison to last cycle on CD 13 it was my left ovary that had 1 mature follicle at 20mm on the same day but nothing else over a 13mm on either side. I did get the HCG CD 13 but the IUI happened on CD 14. No idea what tomorrow will bring when I go back for another u/s... maybe a second IUI just to be sure? We'll see. Of course at this point I'm just taking this 1 hour at a time until I hear from the clinic.

I feel really good... just at peace, laid back after a great weekend with family and my husband and over all pretty content.

Belated MANIC MONDAY

Just a few pictures from my day yesterday. As it was a long weekend for us and we spent the whole weekend at my Dad and step mom's place just outside Hanover. It was a full house :-) and so much fun... my sister, soon to be BIL and my nephew (below) where there, my aunt and uncle on my step mom's side, my husband and I and of course my dad and step mom!

8 adults, 1 almost 4 month old most content and happy baby ever AND 5 dogs...
make that 6 by the end of the day ;-)

And it was a big day for my furry brother...

as he become a big brother...

How CUTE is she?!

slack blogger

talk about a blog slacker... I didn't even get a Daytona Tuesday posted!

I'm alive and doing ok... pretty good overall really. Had another session with my therapist today after work. It feels good to talk and I like the questions she asked to plan seeds for the next time we see each other. I booked again for late in my next 2ww which will start some point next week as we wait for it to be iui time again. After this cycle I think we'll be taking a break if it turns out to be a BFN. At that time I'll only have 2 more cycles I can take clomid but will need to take a break if I used it again after this cycle... which would mean only 1 cycle of clomid + iui later this summer (I hope that all makes sense? lol). I don't know why but doing two in a row (if needed) just makes more sense at this point. Of course this is what makes sense in my mind but I don't know what comes after clomid and what the costs are so I guess that could change my thinking.

My sister, BIL and nephew are here! They're at my dad and step mom's right now a two hour drive away but a bunch of us (8 adults, 1 baby, 5 dogs! lol) will be gathering at the cottage over the weekend... a long weekend here in Ontario :-) yeah! My nephew is just over 3 months now and I can't wait to photograph him, hold him and make silly faces! I hear he's pretty animated, content and happy little guy full of giggles and smiles!

What do you have planned this weekend?

at home

Insane cramps yesterday and today so I've been taking it easy...




I think Daytona prefers it when I'm home to hangout with him and he can spend the day in bed too instead of in the garage.


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I got my period

and then I ate this...




Leaning towards another iui this cycle just wondering where exactly we're going to find the extra funds but I guess we'll just worry about that later. Better get a move on some more of my client work that's still hanging in the wings.

I think I'm ok. Disappointed and kinda sad but ok.

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last weekend...

...still smiling :-)
possibly only because we didn't stay the second night

Daytona Tuesday

iPhone snap from this morning... our guest bedroom looking like it should since my MIL was over this weekend taking care of Daytona while we where away camping... yes camping... another story for later.

have a drink...

... okay so after my DH dive last night we where talking to the instructor/dive shop owner plus another diver and it become pretty clear that this weekend of camping (dive camping trip) will also involve a lot of booze so here's my question...

what's your best come back to the "have a drink" or "why aren't you drinking" comment in a similar situation?

the first thing that comes to my mind is "no thanks... I just put down $395 this month to get my husband's sperm to meet my egg so no drinky drink for me thanks!" (in a completely sarcastic tone that will leave them bug eyed and dumbfounded. lol would that work?

Tonight

After my little nurturing yoga class I headed down to our waterfront to meet DH who was doing his first dive of the season... this was the sky above after they got out of the water... it went end to end in a full arc.

Beautiful!




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Daytona Tuesday

I'm feeling completely and utterly guilty to be going away camping this weekend and not bring him with us... sorry Daytona another $69 extra for this trip is too much after an iui that cost more then I originally expected.

But Daytona will get to hang out at home with his Grammy. I can't believe my MIL is coming to our house to look after our dog. Grateful but worried about what, if any, snooping she might do around our house. Am I being paranoid?

Manic Monday - Week 1

It's my first time to participate in Sarah's awesome and fabulous....



So here we go....


My husband is up before I am so when I wake up this is who's sleeping beside me.


Being sucky and hoping, I'm sure, that he doesn't have to spend the day in the garage... trust me he's fine in there as is our house.


30 minute drive to work in another city
(done as hands free and safe as possible, promise)


At work and delving into emails from behind my cubicle walls

Adding a detail or two from the weekend to FertilityFriend.com... currently 4 dpo(iui) and trying to keep distracted.

3 tradeshow booths arrived back from a couple of US shows. One of my many responsibilities is booking and packing things up for each show that each department attends... we're past the thick of it now for the 2010 tradeshow season. Thank goodness!

firing through a quick edit from yesterdays photo sessions to post a sneak peek for my clients - this is not f/t job related but for my own small business :-) which keeps me sane!


Gorgeous sky above as I left the office


a treat after a long day home alone. I love having him around... he's such a character and keeps us laughing everyday! and then....

Daytona waits, watches for my husband


mindless tv while i read some blogs via my iPhone


sorting through some bills - urgh! preparing for a mortgage renewal in a few months, probably clean up a few debts too. fun, fun.


and this is what I'll be listening to within the hour as I drift off to la la land. circle+bloom fertility meditation... hoping first iui attempt sticks *fingers are crossed* :-)

it popped!

Monday -wandy + b/w
Wednesday - wandy + b/w + HCG trigger
Thursday - wandy + b/w + iui
Friday - wandy

This morning concludes the last of our first IUI attempt. That was absolutely exhausting! I wish that I could have called in sick to work but no sense in bring anymore attention to myself. I've been late to work 15-30 minutes 4 out of 5 days and yesterday even went to crazy boss lady and said "I had some more tests this morning and my doctor's office just called and they want to see... asked me to be there for 4:30" - of course what else can she say to that then of course go.. she asked what was wrong and I just said well hopefully I'll finally know and have some answers. Of course that really isn't lying but just a twist of the details to get me to where I needed to be and that was home to get my DH "sample" for the IUI they had me scheduled for at 4:30

It hurt... I do not like it when they slid the catheter in... holy crap that hurts... feels like someone taking a sharp object and is slicing a perfect line through my uterus. yuck! but thankfully I was feeling better quickly and with some advil and some time on the couch DH and I headed out to do a few errants and then home to make dinner. Bloated for the last couple of days and today I wasn't sure there was any room for wandy up there to be poking around. I have my largest pants on that are work appropriate and am kicking myself for donating my other next size up pants to goodwill not even two month ago (what was I thinking?!)

so now we wait... and wait some more. we have a little weekend getaway planed for next weekend, I will get to do some cross border shopping 1 afternoon and my DH will get a dive or two in which will make him very happy. will be sticking to the yoga to nurture classes and nice slow bend and breath type of classes vs my usual sweat it out and it hurts to do anymore classes. Acupuncture as much as needed (so thankful for my gf and ND for this), also keep up with my daily circle+bloom meditations, and lots of work waiting in the wings that I have yet to complete for some of my clients. Hopefully it will fly by and hopefully it will be the result we want cause I'm not entirely sure where the money is going to come from if we have to keep on doing this.

These are the words I shared with a handful of people yesterday as we headed into our day ahead

today will be a very BIG day for us... asking quietly for all your positive energy and hope that this perfect cycle and egg and lining meet up with a perfect sperm and we'll finally be on our way to becoming perfectly imperfect parents

I am ready now to have the life I always wanted.

That last sentence was an angel card that a friend pulled on my half yesterday morning without even telling me and then shared it with me. It is perfect and so true. We have traveled on this road for so long and now we are ready to do what needs to be done to make it happen.

Daytona Tuesday

Seeking attention. What a face...

are you pregnant?

cause everyone else around us suddenly is... or just recently (we found out last) told us:

...gf from college - due in May
...guy from college and his wife who I'd also consider a friend - due in 2 weeks
...guy that owns husband's gym just announced they're expecting a third... a boy after 2 little girls
...dumbass guy at DH work.. that guys gf just had a boy
...school days gf also pregnant with a boy and due this summer

all of the above... boys

maybe that means we'll be bring a little girl into this world soon.

text to husband:

I think I know what you mean. Makes it harder sometimes to beleive it will happen. Guess we're just going to come in last since neither one of us is very competitive. lol

husband:

I think you may be right, but we have had to work hard for everything else and it's all been worth it in the end, so this will be too!

could you not just eat him up?! Love him so much.


CD 11 today and u/s showed my 2 largest follies are 15mm on my left side. IUI is near.

Daytona Tuesday

So tired he didn't even care to look up when we put all the remotes on top of him... another weekend at the cottage.

iui success rates

I'm trying to stay clear of dr. google so I thought I'd ask here... do you know anyone who was successful with IUI and/or IUI + clomid?

It occured to me yesterday that out of the blogs I do follow no one seems to be doing so hot in the IUI department... do you know anyone who was successful with an IUI? And how many did they do before they got their BFP?

just curious

suddenly emotional

finally today after such a long wait that I'm not use to having to go through today is not CD 46 but rather CD 1.

I just got off the phone with the fertility clinic to let them know and I'll be going in Monday for first bloodwork + u/s and we'll be taking this 1 day, 1 visit at time to iui day. But making that phone call suddenly I'm feeling this flood of emotions. We tried for so long to do this on our own and as much as I want to finally be pregnant it seems to be hitting me that our bodies have failed us thus far. Or is it that now we'll be even more invested then we ever imagined we could be as we lay down more money or maybe it's the stress of the early money dash to the fertility clinic and barrelling down the highway to try and make it to work without the boss giving me the third degree as to why I'm 10 minutes late. Maybe it's just a flood of emotions and hope that this might finally be it... maybe this will be just the right 'mix' of events to get our BFP.

Please let this be our turn world.

CD 44

OMG what a cycle... this doesn't happen very often but when it does i think it's my husband that might loose his mind before I do.

Luckily some spotting this afternoon so onto visits with wandy soon enough and our first (and preferably last!) IUI. And depending on what clomid has in store for me a quick guess puts IUI around my 32nd birthday.

Happy Wednesday!

Daytona Tuesday

April '08, an afternoon at the cottage that included lots of swimming and playing and kong tossing.

negative

not that I'm surprised but any means but would have been nice to not have to start spending money on IUI... oh well. It hurt my DH more then me this morning... he's feeling pretty angry at this point about the whole situation but he leveled out before he left for work so I think in a few days he'll be ready to take on IUI.

hoping to get in for some acupuncture today to help AF get a move on

CD 36

Just when I think I'm keeping my cool I get a little wrapped up in the impossible... all due to my body thinking its funny to mess with me

Barely kept track of CM, no clomid and only 1 morning of BD'ing all because I knew I'd be away visiting my sister and nephew during the "window" of opportunity and now it's CD 36. I have not tested... those dashes at the end are just me putting in my CM as dry to make the chart expand further.


Is there any point to hoping for even another second that we could be one of those couples that just gave up one month and planned to take on IUI the next month and BAM get pregnant?! I would love to believe it but I just can't. Have not POAS yet... but my husband is growing impatient too so maybe soon. I just know the disappointment I've felt the other two times I've had a long cycle (once in Feb 2008 and again Aug 2009... 48 and 42 day cycles... ridiculous! compared to my usual 28-32 day cycle).

Could it be that clomid really messed up my system that much that I have this random cycle happening this month? Has hell finally frozen over and it's my turn?

Of course now that I've poured all this into my blog I'm sure AF will arrive within the hour.

Daytona Tuesday

We love spending time with my dad and step mom on their property just outside Hanover. And when we are there you can generally find Daytona running and playing outside but as soon as my DH gets into the tractor he's right there wanting to go with him. It's so funny regardless the season Daytona is right there wanting to take his place on the floor.

Daytona Tuesday

My Easter puppy. This was taken our first Easter with Daytona and his big ears where flip flopping everywhere!

Happy Easter Everyone!

Daytona Tuesday

This is generally where you'll find Daytona after my husband has gotten out of bed. Daytona and I REALLY really like our sleep time. Isn't he freakin' cute?!

oh fuck

I just got a call... you know from the gf you haven't heard from in years but you use to share everything and she was your bff once upon a time and you did absolutely everything together and all you needed to decide friday after school was who's house you'd spend the weekend at.... but one day after a whole bunch of days that turned into months and years you hardly know what brought you together to begin with and the only time she calls is to share news.

I guess I knew it was coming... I knew that eventually it would probably be time for them to start their family. But I can't help but wonder why she called me... why she'd feel the need to share it with me when so much distance, so much of our lives have been on paths thousand of miles away emotionally. I'd probably do the same thing, she's 5 months, wanted to tell me for awhile but life gets in the way but she wanted me to know before he arrived.. a boy, due July. And then it takes all my strength to talk sweetly and excitedly and ask questions and to share. But I can't share everything, I can't rain on her parade. After all it's really always been about her... it's why we've drifted apart, I grew too tired to keep shining the light on her and her life.

I want to tell her how much I'm hurting. Confide in her what I've actual had to endure while she wasn't even thinking about babies and getting pregnant but what would be the point. Another milestone in our lives that she can probably never appreciate or know how to acknowledge what is my life and my reality. How can I expect her to do it today when she hasn't been able to do it since our friendship started 24 years ago.

'I'm on the right'
Off to our first high school Christmas formal
we both had dates but this shot was just for the two of us
Gr. 10 - 1993

I'm sorry, it wasn't all bad... we shared so much and I guess I just wish she was one of those friends I could count on today but she's not. So tonight I'm reminded of just how grateful I am for all of you and for the handful of friends I have in my life today that would do all those things you hope a best friend would do. And I'll wait to send the email to tell her how painful it has been to wait so long to become a mom but rest assured I will tell her someday.. I'll tell her when I call to share my own news...

just waiting...

waiting for AF to show up and we can get this IUI show on the road...

although I have to admit that a tiny part of me would love to tell the story of how we where just about to do IUI and only BD'ed once before I left to visit my sister and meet my nephew and BAM we got pregnant... wouldn't that just be a great story?! Too bad the likelihood of that happening are pretty freakin' slim.

on CD 21 so I think AF should be here in another week or so and then it's hello Wandy! lol

Daytona Tuesday

Since I'm here visiting my sister I figured I'd include their pup instead of Daytona this week.




His name is Henry and he's only 8 months but he's a solid stubborn typical golden retreiver of 65 lbs so far. lol try moving that when he decides he doesn't want to get off the bed or couch.

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My little sister is a mom

I am in awe of my little sister and how great she is doing. I think she may have found her grounded-ness in motherhood.

I can't really explain it but watching her earlier today with him I completely see myself, the mother I expect I would / will be and I've always thought of us as such opposites but the gap is smaller today then I could ever have imagined.



I promise to share some of my professional photos later this week.


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