little rant...

Pregnant Yuppy was having a little rant over on her blog about the advice people seem compelled to share now that she's expecting... post here so here's a little rant of my own in a different direction.

Have you noticed the number of friends who are moms who like to poke fun at your desire to be a mom too? I've noticed this recently in the women closes to me... the comments go something along the lines of them complaining about what has been happening recently with their little one(s) and then they top off the complain with a "sure you really want to get yourself into this?" and we laugh like it's no big deal and bah ha ha the jokes so going to be on you when you have one. "sure you want a child?"

Nope.... I've just been throwing money away on tests and vitamins/supplements and acupuncture, reflexology, massage therapy, ov watch sensors, opk kits, pregnancy tests, iui(s), HCG shots, clomid... you know just cause I've got the money (not!) and it's burning a whole in my pocket so what the hell might as well shoot the money gun off in an effort to get to mommyhood.

Yes I get that it's going to be harder then I can ever possibly imagine at this point in my life without a child but COME ON... I've been working hard to get there and with every story you tell about how difficult it is and asking me if I'm sure I want this... (yes I fucking want this) These moms quickly forget switching gears from complaining to telling a story about what their child said or did just the other day that would just make your heart melt... yeah what sane person would want that?!

hello stranger...

oh dear it's been awhile. this will be a quick update if anyone is reading.

I am well. I am happy but every time I think to write a blog post I get distracted and onto another thing on my to do list that keeps on growing every single day.

Operation "leave my full time job" could not possibly be going any better. I'm blown away by the work that has come in just in the last month. I'm excited to share with family, friends even my chiropractor this shift that has happened. I'm following my passion once again. I'm finding my way back to myself again and it feels so great. I realize my struggle to conceive has not been as lengthy as some and maybe my plan is pretty drastic to some. But I must find myself again. I took a f/t job to get a mortgage and a mat leave (a whole year in Canada) and that hasn't happened and holy crap it's 5 years later and the mortgage is due for renewal soon.. how did that happen?

I've gone through different bouts of sadness with this... at first I was convinced that I had done nothing but run on a hamster wheel for a five year period and I was so disappointed in myself... 5 years later same place in life just 50 lbs heavier... yeah me! But I realize now that I have grown... so it took me 5 years to stand up and say "enough" it's my turn to live life and I'll be damned if I live it by "the man's" rules. I'll create the life I want the life I always expected to have. To have my small business, work from home, have a family and keep on working and growing my client base, my knowledge, my experience. I just got a little side tracked by about 3 years with the oh so comfy job (which honestly isn't because of a certain boss who I've written about before).

So where am I at right now? What's the time line? Have a left yet?

Right now I'm $1000 short on the 2 months worth of expenses to keep my husband happy and comfortable with my leaving the job. I'm blown away that it has happened so quickly because as it stands right now I'll be staying put until mortgage renewal time and that's October.. right now we're waiting for the renewal papers from the mortgage company and then we'll be attempting to dump some dept into the renewal. So haven't left yet but I know I will celebrate 2011 as a self-employed person. All efforts to conceive and/or try to figure out why we have been unsuccessful are on hold and a distant memory in so many ways.

I'm working like crazy to keep on top of everything I have on my plate and keep the invoices going out so more work can keep on coming in. And for now that is and will continue to be my focus. Yoga attendance has been poor (ok non existent) but I'm not beating myself up over it. Eating.. not so great but dh asked that we get back at it on Monday and I'm game... when he's on board it makes it so much easier cause he spoils me with his cooking and meal planning awesomeness! Once I've left the job then I'll have more time to find my routine again. I use to workout a least a few times a week when I was self-employed, had time to put dinner on the table for DH and I, a little house work mixed in here and there and I'll also be getting an hour back since I won't have the daily commute to and from the office. And so much of the stress that has likely been the bully behind my not being able to scream from the hilltops "I'm pregnant!" will finally shift. I'm not saying it'll be easy but I do know that it will feed my soul like nothing else can right now.

I am happy, I'm excited and I'm going to making this happen.

Daytona Tuesday

Here's a picture from almost two weeks ago up in beautiful Tobermory, ON

DH coaxing Daytona in for a swim. I forgot a ball so it was hard to get him to go in :-)
And DH isn't dressed just cooling off before he goes scuba diving.

Time for Change

Inspired by Anne's post about change ( click here ) I thought it was time to share with you the change I'm working towards making in my own life.

I know I've mentioned it before but this time I mean it... I'm going to be leaving my f/t job before 2011. It is time! Just as Anne and her husband purchased a home in an area great for families... I have been in a job I do not enjoy for 5 YEARS because we wanted to start a family. Now we haven't been in TTC mode for 5 years but the last 3 come September is a couple of years too many as far as my job is concerned.

I'm not going to be living my life by the code of "we might be pregnant soon" anymore because that has not worked. One not so great job complete with crap salary got us into our first home and that is wonderful. We love our area, yes it would be great for kids, but it's also great for us... quite dead end street, mature trees and wonderful sunset views from our livingroom window for Daytona to enjoy. lol Although I've stopped stepping on the scales I'm sure I've put on a good 50 lbs since starting my job, my skills go completely unappreciated and there is no where to move forward with the company. I'm but one creative being among a see of sales people, engineers and one micro-managing bitch of a boss lady. IT is time for change.

I have a plan. Dollar amounts we're saving for, a mortgage due for renewal in October, new business website being designed by me for my web/graphic side of my small business, tasks being executed all in an effort to make sure I can leave my job before 2011. My husband is 100% behind me and probably just as fearful as I am but with 2 or months expenses in the bank his mind will be at ease when the time comes. I can feel the old me creeping back into my everyday, the business woman I felt I once was, confident and ambitious.... an entrepreneur through and through. I'm remembering what it means to be me, who I am and not just me trying to get pregnant.

And because it just wouldn't be Tuesday without a picture of you know who... here he is checking out the view from our livingroom window.