I feel an slight sense of anxiety about our trip east.. and what am i so anxious about... having not lost some weight before we go... so f**k stupid but for some reason I'm mentally beating myself up about not putting in a proper effort to shed some pounds before our holidays. but yet i don't feel anxious enough to be spurred on into action.or maybe its just that I feel too overwhelmed by it... probably a little of both.
one more night alone and then Jamie is home again... can't wait... off to the cottage tomorrow night!! YEAH!! (and a little nah... I've just been so self conscience lately and I feel like even my dad and step mom are watching me, watching with i eat, how I look, how I'm feelin' - dad knows I'm seeing a therapist) thinks just feel different... part of me wants to just be at home and alone but i know i should be with family and I know i will have fun once we are there and I want to be there but don't
urg
Thursday, July 31
Wednesday, July 30
20 more days... 20!
Husband is at the Gravenhurst fire college all week, back on Friday afternoon and then we are outta here.. heading to the cottage for the long weekend with a trip to Sauble as some point too... love that!
I am VERY happy to report that TCM are working beautifully as far as I'm concerned. I've knocked my cycle down 3 days (May was 33, June was 34, July 31!) I started taking TCM June 2nd, so this was the first full cycle of all 4 bottles of herbs. So that should mean stronger egg and better timed release of said egg, but I'm not temping so I'm assuming cause that's what the TCM is about. We're still undecided about TTC in August but we're on holidays for a week so who knowns. Its hard not to consciously "try" when your counting the days of your cycle and when to take which TCM etc. but just trying to keep the pressure out of it.
Husband is at the Gravenhurst fire college all week, back on Friday afternoon and then we are outta here.. heading to the cottage for the long weekend with a trip to Sauble as some point too... love that!
I am VERY happy to report that TCM are working beautifully as far as I'm concerned. I've knocked my cycle down 3 days (May was 33, June was 34, July 31!) I started taking TCM June 2nd, so this was the first full cycle of all 4 bottles of herbs. So that should mean stronger egg and better timed release of said egg, but I'm not temping so I'm assuming cause that's what the TCM is about. We're still undecided about TTC in August but we're on holidays for a week so who knowns. Its hard not to consciously "try" when your counting the days of your cycle and when to take which TCM etc. but just trying to keep the pressure out of it.
Thursday, July 24
Wednesday, July 16
well its a no on the job... weird story... she/interviewer thought I was mad at her (this all took place on each others facebook walls) I told her no not mad should I be? I didn't hear from you figured you where just crazy busy so turns out they hired someone else because that person had so much experience it just couldn't be ignored. I'm good... I've decided to buy an iPhone!!!! I can't freakin' wait... but I have to till next friday when my contract/plan with rogers is eligible for a phone upgrade. in the meantime I'm taking on learning the sync function so my mac here at work, home and the iphone will keep everything running smoothly and won't have to worry about what is where and on what.
One good thing about not leaving this job right now is of course the benefits which are allowing me to see a therapist and continue on this journey of learning about me and being the person I want to be. And the 6% rrsp contribution helps and finally now having 3 weeks of holidays to play with then the 2.... not that I'm stopped looking for something new... it comes in waves.
I have thurs/friday off this week and I'm looking forward to gutting my home office and setting it back up again in a new layout. I have a ton of stuff that needs to be purged in there and I think I'm finally ready to let it go! I don't know why I hold onto so much but it is a process purging and I have to keep up this momentum so I can get it done and enjoy the rest of my week/end. I'll try to remember to take some before and after shots.
One good thing about not leaving this job right now is of course the benefits which are allowing me to see a therapist and continue on this journey of learning about me and being the person I want to be. And the 6% rrsp contribution helps and finally now having 3 weeks of holidays to play with then the 2.... not that I'm stopped looking for something new... it comes in waves.
I have thurs/friday off this week and I'm looking forward to gutting my home office and setting it back up again in a new layout. I have a ton of stuff that needs to be purged in there and I think I'm finally ready to let it go! I don't know why I hold onto so much but it is a process purging and I have to keep up this momentum so I can get it done and enjoy the rest of my week/end. I'll try to remember to take some before and after shots.
Friday, July 11
Thursday, July 10
My inspiration for this post came from reading Alli's post today and then what came out of me as I left a comment.
I'm not going to try another diet
I don't really care what the number on the scale says
What I'm focusing my attention on right now is me... me as a whole person and the emotional baggage I've been carrying around for the last 10 years or so. Do I have a ton of work to do with my new therapist... NO not really but there are things that are getting in my way without me really realizing what's happening. I need to focus on my relationships with people and making sure I don't give so much of myself that there is nothing left for me! And in doing that I know that the self I once was will return. I'll regain the ambition, motivation and energy I once had and when those things come back the shape of my body will change and find its way back to that 170/175 I was so easily able to maintain.
And I know according to some that's still overweight but for me I know its where my body was happy, I was happy and I felt good and confident in myself. When I get back there maybe it will be time for more change but until I get back to that person I'm going to stop beating the crap out of myself emotionally.
I'm not going to try another diet
I don't really care what the number on the scale says
What I'm focusing my attention on right now is me... me as a whole person and the emotional baggage I've been carrying around for the last 10 years or so. Do I have a ton of work to do with my new therapist... NO not really but there are things that are getting in my way without me really realizing what's happening. I need to focus on my relationships with people and making sure I don't give so much of myself that there is nothing left for me! And in doing that I know that the self I once was will return. I'll regain the ambition, motivation and energy I once had and when those things come back the shape of my body will change and find its way back to that 170/175 I was so easily able to maintain.
And I know according to some that's still overweight but for me I know its where my body was happy, I was happy and I felt good and confident in myself. When I get back there maybe it will be time for more change but until I get back to that person I'm going to stop beating the crap out of myself emotionally.
Wednesday, July 9
just curious who's out there... please delurk yourselves ;-)
I don't really want to go private but I think I might be a little more free flowing with my bloggin' if I did. I'm on the fence.
Today was a good day...surprisingly there where a ton of laughs this afternoon after boss lady left. It all started with our student calling the office from staples to make sure no one else needed anything.. someone hollered out "does anyone need anything at staples?" to which I replied "a job application please" lots of laughter followed. then it moved onto who could find the best sound bit *shrug* who really knows how these things unfold but it was great to laugh so hard at work... tomorrow is a boss free day (love thursdays) so hoping more laughter will follow.
I didn't leave my desk at lunch so I decided with only 45 minutes to go that I was going to whip up to starbucks for a chai latte treat.... so yummy!
I don't really want to go private but I think I might be a little more free flowing with my bloggin' if I did. I'm on the fence.
Today was a good day...surprisingly there where a ton of laughs this afternoon after boss lady left. It all started with our student calling the office from staples to make sure no one else needed anything.. someone hollered out "does anyone need anything at staples?" to which I replied "a job application please" lots of laughter followed. then it moved onto who could find the best sound bit *shrug* who really knows how these things unfold but it was great to laugh so hard at work... tomorrow is a boss free day (love thursdays) so hoping more laughter will follow.
I didn't leave my desk at lunch so I decided with only 45 minutes to go that I was going to whip up to starbucks for a chai latte treat.... so yummy!
Tuesday, July 8
I had another session first thing this morning and i'm feeling tired but good.
holy crap! so I've always known I give too much of myself and today she pointed this out.... it appears to her and she pointed it out to me that I'm finally reevaluating my relationships with those around me. One in particular has been on my mind but I hadn't really decided to do anything about it. but when telling my counselor/psychologist whatever (we'll call her Anita) today about my most recent experience with this person her mouth dropped... (which kinda felt good and validated that yes that was inappropriate). So here's what happened. I do an exchange of services with someone at this point I would consider a friend but our interactions are only based on business it would seem. last time I saw her she was questioning why I hadn't been in for reflexology and I told her that dh and I had decided to take a break from TTC and I was starting TCM with my naturopath in preparation for TTC in the fall and she said "but isn't taking TCM really not taking a break?" I tried to fluff it off and just say well someday you'll understand what all this wanting and desire for family is like... her reply "Honestly Malinda I don't think I will" snicker snicker Like I'm crazy and obsessed and she couldn't even for a second empathize for me/with me... later I was being quite and could hardly breath, had to almost gasp for breath and the weight in my chest was extreme (was getting a massage from her).... after being quite she decided to strike up the conversation again... about her business. Now I know I've always asked questions because I do want her to do well but this exchange of services isn't working anymore. I deserve a peaceful and relaxing massage in exchange for all the graphic/web/photography work I've provided her and I'm not getting that. Another punch to the gut was when I tried to help correct an email issue she is having I discovered that my beautiful business cards are being used to prop up her LAPTOP!! And after so many years of working together she has another photographers work hanging in her space instead of my work... then I had to practically beg her to put mine up.... I don't think she sees a connection in how we can be cross promoting each other maybe that is because of where she is at in her life vs. where I'm at but still I deserve respect and acknowledgement for the work I've done and the effort I've put in ensuring she has a solid brand to present to her client base.
also learned that yes my work environment is toxic and even if the job I have yet to hear about at the college... I still need to keep looking for that new opportunity that is going to allow me to move past this place and onto something new.
I feel good, little nervous about the next step though... I just need to figure out how exactly to approach my friend about changing our working relationship. I deserve to have friends, clients and an employer who acknowledge and value my abilities and experience and its time to put that into play.
holy crap! so I've always known I give too much of myself and today she pointed this out.... it appears to her and she pointed it out to me that I'm finally reevaluating my relationships with those around me. One in particular has been on my mind but I hadn't really decided to do anything about it. but when telling my counselor/psychologist whatever (we'll call her Anita) today about my most recent experience with this person her mouth dropped... (which kinda felt good and validated that yes that was inappropriate). So here's what happened. I do an exchange of services with someone at this point I would consider a friend but our interactions are only based on business it would seem. last time I saw her she was questioning why I hadn't been in for reflexology and I told her that dh and I had decided to take a break from TTC and I was starting TCM with my naturopath in preparation for TTC in the fall and she said "but isn't taking TCM really not taking a break?" I tried to fluff it off and just say well someday you'll understand what all this wanting and desire for family is like... her reply "Honestly Malinda I don't think I will" snicker snicker Like I'm crazy and obsessed and she couldn't even for a second empathize for me/with me... later I was being quite and could hardly breath, had to almost gasp for breath and the weight in my chest was extreme (was getting a massage from her).... after being quite she decided to strike up the conversation again... about her business. Now I know I've always asked questions because I do want her to do well but this exchange of services isn't working anymore. I deserve a peaceful and relaxing massage in exchange for all the graphic/web/photography work I've provided her and I'm not getting that. Another punch to the gut was when I tried to help correct an email issue she is having I discovered that my beautiful business cards are being used to prop up her LAPTOP!! And after so many years of working together she has another photographers work hanging in her space instead of my work... then I had to practically beg her to put mine up.... I don't think she sees a connection in how we can be cross promoting each other maybe that is because of where she is at in her life vs. where I'm at but still I deserve respect and acknowledgement for the work I've done and the effort I've put in ensuring she has a solid brand to present to her client base.
also learned that yes my work environment is toxic and even if the job I have yet to hear about at the college... I still need to keep looking for that new opportunity that is going to allow me to move past this place and onto something new.
I feel good, little nervous about the next step though... I just need to figure out how exactly to approach my friend about changing our working relationship. I deserve to have friends, clients and an employer who acknowledge and value my abilities and experience and its time to put that into play.
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