The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, nor to worry about the future, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly.
- Buddha

time off...

... after today it's back to vacation mode or more like... get my own shit done mode... where I can dictate what I do or don't do in a day... not back to work until July 8th! oh that is going to be so wonderful :-)

Yesterday my DH and I both had the day off together and it was so awesome to have the day and do whatever we wanted.

today is CD 7 and 5 nights in with wearing the ov watch to bed... still reading NF which isn't a big surprise obviously.

So I'm hoping to give the house a really good once over... it needs it badly as we seem to have been doing the bare minimum with our busy schedules as of late but a clean house jut feels good and I can't stand the build up of clutter anymore. Why is it every time you purge a home and get it to one point that point eventually passes and you feel like you haven't done anything at all? Kinda frustrating.

Nothing new and exciting it would seem... just playing the waiting game until this little watch flashes "go time" lol

Happy Canada Day!!!!

exhausted

I am struggling this... oh crap it's still before noon? yuck. having a hard time focusing and keeping my eyes open. I just want to curl up and take a nap SO badly.

First night with the ov watch was uneventful... as expected it said NF (Not Fertile)... I do find the strap a little tight and I think I might order the strap extender... something they came up with because this is a usual complaint based on what I've read.

I am curious as to when the Fertile Day 1 will pop up... will it be the same day I think it is? The day I think it is hasn't worked to date! lol

Based on the months that I have bothered to try and get a positive OPK... they have been saying CD 17 or 22... that's quite the gap! Time will tell.......

Happy Weekend! My DH and I + dog are off to my dad and step mom's place just outside Hanover.... we like to call it the Lakehouse.. cottage just doesn't seem to work. So we'll be chill-axing up there this weekend and we both have Monday off so we'll get two full days out of the weekend before making our way home Monday morning. Then I work Tuesday before I'm off again and not back in the office until the following Wednesday... I hope I can make it a truly productive holiday!!!! so much I want to get done just need to keep my ambition flowing.

Michael Jackson

Yeah I know I'm sure you've seen all kinds of stuff about him and when I received the email via my iPhone while standing in line at the rogers store I just couldn't believe it... my thoughts went straight to his kids but then this morning... oh dear... of course my favorite radio station CHUM FM in Toronto is playing only his songs and talking about their memories and people are calling in telling their stories, their playing audio clips and I really started to remember all those memories, my own MJ memories from so very long ago. And maybe shed a tear or two for him and maybe more likely for my own childhood and what use to be, for those memories that don't stay close to the surface as they get pushed down further and further with all the to do's of what is my day to day life now.

So today I'm remembering my childhood and my Dad blasting music from his workshop, popping his head out to let us know... "I'm going to start the saw now".... "ok dad".....

IT'S HERE... OMG!!!

The OV watch arrived today and the fed ex guy read my note about all the options and he took it straight to my neighbors place and she signed for it!!! I knew I could count on her!!! She just called me to let me know the package was at her place.... I'M SO FREAKING EXCITED TO GET THIS THING!!! Can you imagine when we get a BFP!!! I want to sing and dance but I'm at work, in my cubicle and can't get this perma grin off my face!!!!

It's CD 2, perfect night to start wearing the watch.. way crazy cramps this morning... I actually stayed home till about 10:30 just to get the ibuprofin working good and of course my heating pad on HIGH!! Now sitting at my desk... with my heating pad on HIGH and popping some menstral tylenol and day dreaming about ripping into the package like a 4 year old on christmas morning!!!!

ov watch wait

okay even though I've ordered that little thing well in advance of when I needed it customs had a different plan and it has been held up in Mississauga waiting for the shipper to forward the appropriate paperwork... which I've been told now on two occasions that yes it has been and yesterday told that the watch will be released today to go out... I'm not the only one waiting for this thing... I can see via the tracking number they gave me that 12 orders went out on the 12th and 1 was actually delivered but the other 11 are still waiting for clearance?? and have been since June 15th!!!!!

I told the customer support lady that my body is waiting for this watch.. lol Until this morning I hadn't started my cycle yet and yesterday was CD 34... that is really odd for me but like I said it showed up this morning.

So I've left a note on the door today... "Hello Fed.Ex" asking that if no one is home to sign they can leave it with my neighbor or just leave a pick up card cause well we work and won't be home the next day either... so here is hoping that it gets here ASAP cause I have to start wearing it to bed today, Thursday or Friday for it to work this cycle.

Care to place any bets? I'm trying not to get my hopes up at this point that it will be here in time.. pretty bummed that we won't get to see the ov watch work its magic this month so let's hope my cycle doesn't last 34 days this time and a nice speedy 29 so we can put the ov watch to work.

little sister

so as I haven't really mentioned it again since last Saturday I thought it might be good to get some more down on the screen(paper)

after calling my dad yesterday to wish him a happy fathers day we ended up having one of our long chats as we sometimes do... and always do after my sister drops her latest bombshell on the family.

I've been kind of struggling with the idea of boundaries and how they apply to my relationships with those in my family. I want my dad to know that we are struggling but I don't want to give him all the details. And he reminded me yesterday that he is still there for me when I need him and it's okay to call and tell him as little as I need or want he won't pry and if I don't want to tell him that's okay too. It felt good to get that out there.

Excuse the rambling but just trying to remember various parts of the conversation in no particular order.

So of course we talked about my little sister and how neither of us is really surprised about her latest announcement. He told me that she was worried about telling me and felt bad... but I told him she didn't project that in our conversation when I kept trying to chance the subject and she wasn't getting it. And I confessed that I was sad that I wouldn't get to have the first grandchild but he reminded me that the first grandchild was her abortion all those years ago and that order doesn't exist in our family, first, second or third... it doesn't matter. Dad filled me in on some more shallowness of my sister.... he half expects her to call and say "i don't want to get that big right now so I had an abortion"... she's pretty absorbed in her appearance and pretty much believes that her happiness is based on the size of her waist.... so she isn't a healthy skinny with all the smoking & drinking. She does believe that she is better then me simply because she has lost a ton of weight which is odd considering she has spent the better part of her life trying to have what I had... the friends, boyfriends, clothes, husband, house... etc...

I have always been very mothering toward my sister... even once packing a bag for her to go visit my grandparents and asking her if she had any money, "no" and I gave her some of mine... just so she'd have a little in her pocket, I couldn't have been any older the 8 or 9 at the time. But I can't be mothering towards her right now... if she calls to asks questions about pregnancy I will tell her to ask our mother... she's done it twice or to go by a book! I can't mother her through this too.... I need to protect my own heart but then at the same time I feel a twinge of quilt for that unborn child and the world he/she is going to be coming into.

We even talked about her showing up on either of our door steps one day with her child and needing our help, a place to stay but neither one of us will rescue her anymore... she needs to grow up fast and take responsibility for her actions. I just hope she can do it in time, her and her boyfriend/fiance can do it in time to give that child a fighting chance at a happy and healthy life! That might all sound pretty harsh but there isn't enough time to get into all that my sister has but my dad through or myself and yet we keep getting up for another punch.. a person can only take so much before they know they've done everything they possibly can and it is what it is.

So today I'm not so sad, didn't really shed many tears after my out burst last Saturday. I wish it was me who was making that big announcement but not under those circumstances and not in that type of relationship... so overall I feel a little more at peace. Still going to see my therapist to get some good ideas/thoughts going on how to respond to people, to her and to what might come in the following months... but overall I'm good... I think I've said before I'm not really surprised she's pregnant just disappointed it isn't me.

the secret ..... revealed!

So I'm not sure why it was all hush hush but the big secret for which we all had to head up to my in-laws place was that Opa gave my husband and his brother $5000 each.

It's kinda bittersweet as Opa is the last grandparent on my husband's side and although the gift is appreciated I know my sweet husband is a little sad to hear that Opa is spending so much time talking about the past but can't remember what he did the day before... I think the quilt of not making it to visit him more is eating at my husband as well. It has been harder since his Oma passed away, she sounded like the most amazing Oma and the glue that kept the family gathering around the table more then twice a year. I wish I could have known her.

After some chat we've decided to put the majority of the funds away... into a savings account (in both our names) so we have that little nest egg to sit on for those "oh crap" moments... like another winter in the boating industry! And my DH will be spending a little on the diving course he's wanted to do for over a year now and he's wants to help me with a little toward my macbook savings! I can't wait to get my hands on one and be truly mobile!!

My brother-in-law and his gf are moving into the first home come July 31 so this will make for a smooth transition for them. Yeah!! Cause home ownership brings a whole new bag of stresses.

No AF and no ov watch yet.... hoping both arrive today so we can get this next cycle started!!! :-)

still not here...

The ov watch hasn't arrived yet but I do have the tracking number... it sat in customs ALL WEEK LONG but this afternoon it showed it is released and hopefully it is here for Monday... AF hasn't arrived either so I'm still good.. not stressing about it getting here in time as I have to start wearing it on the first, second or third day of a new cycle.

I can't believe how excited we both are for this little watch, as though this is the best shot we've ever given TTC to date... is that weird? lol Like all those other months where half-assed.... LOL which is hilarious when you think about all the crazyness we've (I've) put myself (us) through since we started down this road.

I have a crazy amount of work to do this weekend... but that will be broken up by a trip to visit the in-laws... something so odd is going on. My MIL asked that we come up for dinner, and basically Opa gave something to my MIL to give to my husband and hist brother.... but she didn't say anything more then that... oh except that it would be worth his wild to come up... WTF! There is a whole lot of bad karma around my in-laws and what they have or haven't done for my husband to date.... kinda sucks but it is what it is and we'll get through each of those bumps in the road they throw at us too. (example that happened before we bought our home.... my MIL in law asked us to buy a larger home w/apartment so they could rent the apartment from us and she was convinced that if we went to the bank and said we had confirmed renters the bank would give us more money! yes I know!!!! I couldn't beleive it either)

so I should have an interesting story for you all come tomorrow night or sunday.. depending on how emotionally drained I am from our visit.

best idea ever....

click on the image to go directly to the site... the creative ideas you can find on the Real Simple site are awesome.