Dear childhood friend who just had a baby

This is a letter I wrote to a childhood friend shortly before she had her baby.. I never sent the letter/email but it felt good to put it down. So I hope you don't mind if I share it with all of you :-)

Dear Childhood friend,

It's amazing how life takes hold and before you know it months and years have passed without having shared time with one of your best childhood friends. I know neither one of us has necessarily been good at keeping our friendship alive with so much distance between us but I just wanted you to know I think of you often and am so excited that you'll wear the title of mom so very very soon.



I've managed to put a big bubble around my life in the last three years. Putting even more distance between those I hold so dear, some family and many friends. In those three years (dear husband) and I have struggles to have a family of our own. We've gone as far as the fertility clinics, so many tests, HSG, cycle monitoring, clomid, HCG shots and IUI's all foreign to your own experience I hope. I would not wish this heartache on anyone and although I know and believe with all my heart that we'll have our own little one someday it still stings as those around us celebrate this new beginning in their own lives.



I guess maybe I've wanted to share my own experience with you for awhile now but as I said life gets in the way and we tend to think maybe this just isn't the right time.



Today and in the coming months I'm feeling so alive as I work towards leaving my full-time job to go back to running my business again. This job has allowed us the opportunity to easily purchase a home but that was 5 years ago and with the mortgage renewal just a couple months away the realization that I'm still here and had expected to be long gone by now working from home with a toddler walking around is sinking in. I've sort of been living life on hold in some ways... only moving forward one month at a time and only seeing myself as Minname trying to get pregnant instead of Minname, wife, daughter, business woman, sister and friend.

That's as far as I got. It just sort of poured out of me but I couldn't send it... it felt a little selfish as she was waiting for her bean to arrive to draw attention to myself in some way and that's just not me.

Preparations towards leaving my job are going well. I actually made my savings goal and then since I still have a couple months to go I socked a bunch of it against credit card debts in an effort to bring our debt ratio down and also bring up the credit score (always a work in progress of course but hoping for the best come October). So I'm back to saving up again but still the account is padded and staying that way... that feels pretty damn good!

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

just wanted to share...

... that today I'm wearing a skirt! I haven't felt very good about doing that in a very long time. I also smiled while driving all the way into work this morning and thinking about this is the last August that I'll ever have to make this drive on a daily basis.

This is also day 3 of getting back on the wagon for better eating and getting my body moving again. DH and I want to feel good on our trip to the Maritimes and all that sitting/driving/eating out we'll be in for and we just needed to smarten up and do what we know we should be doing. I even went on two separate walks yesterday.. one with my small biz girlfriends for our weekly meeting to keep ourselves on track and second with DH and Daytona after DH was home from training (he's a volunteer firefighter). DH even said we could get ice cream while on the walk to which I replied NO I turned down DQ today and it's almost the end of the day you are not going to mess this up! NO NO NO! all while smiling and laughing but firm that he knew I wasn't messing around.

It was his idea to get back on the wagon on Monday and he was already trying to derail things by Tuesday... sheesssshhh!

little rant...

Pregnant Yuppy was having a little rant over on her blog about the advice people seem compelled to share now that she's expecting... post here so here's a little rant of my own in a different direction.

Have you noticed the number of friends who are moms who like to poke fun at your desire to be a mom too? I've noticed this recently in the women closes to me... the comments go something along the lines of them complaining about what has been happening recently with their little one(s) and then they top off the complain with a "sure you really want to get yourself into this?" and we laugh like it's no big deal and bah ha ha the jokes so going to be on you when you have one. "sure you want a child?"

Nope.... I've just been throwing money away on tests and vitamins/supplements and acupuncture, reflexology, massage therapy, ov watch sensors, opk kits, pregnancy tests, iui(s), HCG shots, clomid... you know just cause I've got the money (not!) and it's burning a whole in my pocket so what the hell might as well shoot the money gun off in an effort to get to mommyhood.

Yes I get that it's going to be harder then I can ever possibly imagine at this point in my life without a child but COME ON... I've been working hard to get there and with every story you tell about how difficult it is and asking me if I'm sure I want this... (yes I fucking want this) These moms quickly forget switching gears from complaining to telling a story about what their child said or did just the other day that would just make your heart melt... yeah what sane person would want that?!

hello stranger...

oh dear it's been awhile. this will be a quick update if anyone is reading.

I am well. I am happy but every time I think to write a blog post I get distracted and onto another thing on my to do list that keeps on growing every single day.

Operation "leave my full time job" could not possibly be going any better. I'm blown away by the work that has come in just in the last month. I'm excited to share with family, friends even my chiropractor this shift that has happened. I'm following my passion once again. I'm finding my way back to myself again and it feels so great. I realize my struggle to conceive has not been as lengthy as some and maybe my plan is pretty drastic to some. But I must find myself again. I took a f/t job to get a mortgage and a mat leave (a whole year in Canada) and that hasn't happened and holy crap it's 5 years later and the mortgage is due for renewal soon.. how did that happen?

I've gone through different bouts of sadness with this... at first I was convinced that I had done nothing but run on a hamster wheel for a five year period and I was so disappointed in myself... 5 years later same place in life just 50 lbs heavier... yeah me! But I realize now that I have grown... so it took me 5 years to stand up and say "enough" it's my turn to live life and I'll be damned if I live it by "the man's" rules. I'll create the life I want the life I always expected to have. To have my small business, work from home, have a family and keep on working and growing my client base, my knowledge, my experience. I just got a little side tracked by about 3 years with the oh so comfy job (which honestly isn't because of a certain boss who I've written about before).

So where am I at right now? What's the time line? Have a left yet?

Right now I'm $1000 short on the 2 months worth of expenses to keep my husband happy and comfortable with my leaving the job. I'm blown away that it has happened so quickly because as it stands right now I'll be staying put until mortgage renewal time and that's October.. right now we're waiting for the renewal papers from the mortgage company and then we'll be attempting to dump some dept into the renewal. So haven't left yet but I know I will celebrate 2011 as a self-employed person. All efforts to conceive and/or try to figure out why we have been unsuccessful are on hold and a distant memory in so many ways.

I'm working like crazy to keep on top of everything I have on my plate and keep the invoices going out so more work can keep on coming in. And for now that is and will continue to be my focus. Yoga attendance has been poor (ok non existent) but I'm not beating myself up over it. Eating.. not so great but dh asked that we get back at it on Monday and I'm game... when he's on board it makes it so much easier cause he spoils me with his cooking and meal planning awesomeness! Once I've left the job then I'll have more time to find my routine again. I use to workout a least a few times a week when I was self-employed, had time to put dinner on the table for DH and I, a little house work mixed in here and there and I'll also be getting an hour back since I won't have the daily commute to and from the office. And so much of the stress that has likely been the bully behind my not being able to scream from the hilltops "I'm pregnant!" will finally shift. I'm not saying it'll be easy but I do know that it will feed my soul like nothing else can right now.

I am happy, I'm excited and I'm going to making this happen.

Daytona Tuesday

Here's a picture from almost two weeks ago up in beautiful Tobermory, ON

DH coaxing Daytona in for a swim. I forgot a ball so it was hard to get him to go in :-)
And DH isn't dressed just cooling off before he goes scuba diving.

Time for Change

Inspired by Anne's post about change ( click here ) I thought it was time to share with you the change I'm working towards making in my own life.

I know I've mentioned it before but this time I mean it... I'm going to be leaving my f/t job before 2011. It is time! Just as Anne and her husband purchased a home in an area great for families... I have been in a job I do not enjoy for 5 YEARS because we wanted to start a family. Now we haven't been in TTC mode for 5 years but the last 3 come September is a couple of years too many as far as my job is concerned.

I'm not going to be living my life by the code of "we might be pregnant soon" anymore because that has not worked. One not so great job complete with crap salary got us into our first home and that is wonderful. We love our area, yes it would be great for kids, but it's also great for us... quite dead end street, mature trees and wonderful sunset views from our livingroom window for Daytona to enjoy. lol Although I've stopped stepping on the scales I'm sure I've put on a good 50 lbs since starting my job, my skills go completely unappreciated and there is no where to move forward with the company. I'm but one creative being among a see of sales people, engineers and one micro-managing bitch of a boss lady. IT is time for change.

I have a plan. Dollar amounts we're saving for, a mortgage due for renewal in October, new business website being designed by me for my web/graphic side of my small business, tasks being executed all in an effort to make sure I can leave my job before 2011. My husband is 100% behind me and probably just as fearful as I am but with 2 or months expenses in the bank his mind will be at ease when the time comes. I can feel the old me creeping back into my everyday, the business woman I felt I once was, confident and ambitious.... an entrepreneur through and through. I'm remembering what it means to be me, who I am and not just me trying to get pregnant.

And because it just wouldn't be Tuesday without a picture of you know who... here he is checking out the view from our livingroom window.

Daytona Tuesday

On the drive home from our weekend away in Tobermory we discovered another song that makes Daytona wanna sing (can't wait to get the newest iPhone so I can capture these moments on video).

This time is was KT Tunstall (Black Horse & The Cherry Tree)
but Gwen Stefani's Sweet Escape works every single time too.

Spirit Babies

Does anyone else have this book?
Do I want to read it, need to read it?
Will I find some comfort from reading it?

Daytona Tuesday

Another picture of my new furry little sister. We're off on a camping trip this weekend but next weekend I think we'll be heading to the cottage again for a visit with my dad and step mom... can't wait to see how she's changed in a months time :-)

CD 1

I can't keep doing what we've been doing at this point. Something must change and I believe that shift has to happen in my job. I took this position leaving behind self-employment, for two reasons... 1. mortgage and 2. mat leave. We got the house but now as I come up to my 5th year with this company I can't bare the thought of making it to a 6th. I'm not suppose to be here... I should have had 1 child already... I'm carrying another 50+ lbs since I started here... and this job is the one constant in my life that makes me sad and so very unhappy.

I'm reminded everyday of the stress from a boss who does not respect me or my well being by questioning when I'm late or what my doctors appointments are for. My abilities and effort are not respected or rewarded... that $500 raise I got this year is just a slap in the face as far as I'm concerned considering the time, energy and knowledge I've given.

It's time for change. I can't bring myself to put more money towards treatment when my stress level is so dependent on someone elses mood that day or week. I feel like I'm wasting money. I tried two cycles and it did not work so it's time for a new plan of action.

Thank god for my husband! He is behind me 100% and he too can see it now as I do what this job has taken from us. He wants to see his kids doing silly things, to play with them, to hold them... he sees it just as much as I do as we go about our daily lives.

So the plan is to search for 1 or 2 part-time employers... people/companies who can't afford or feel they need someone with my skill set in the office 5 days a week but I can show them what having me for X number of hours each week can do for them. It will be some leg work and research but I have a team I can turn to and then the most wonderful thing is it will allow me to spend more time on my business. Time to put all my own marketing ideas into motion to build that side of my career. The p/t work will just be that cushion as I make the transition back into f/t self-employment and plan for our family.

I'm scare, exhausted and uncomfortable but this feels like what I should have been doing years ago. This job has served a purpose but it is not going to allow me to get where I want to be next and so I must go. I am ready to live my life for me again.