stuggling

...feeling at the brink of tears this afternoon but at the same time ambitious, motivated, confused and hesitant.

I know that my naturopath has said lets wait till spring and if you aren't pregos by then we'll take the next step to the fertility clinic for some tests and timed ultrasounds. In my mind I'm starting to feel like this journey we are on is so close but yet so far away... as though I have more to do/go through before I'll get my positive pregnancy test.... what's more? maybe the ultrasounds and tests are inevitable and that's where I'm heading... maybe its endometriosis and I'm going to need that surgery before the year is out and all I can think right now it... lets just fucking do it then, lets schedule the tests and ultrasounds now and get moving...

If I wait until the spring to be referred to the fertility clinic and then have to wait more to get my first appointment and then have to wait some more for a surgery or something... we could be looking at the end of 2009 before we get all that accomplished and can move on to the baby making again. urgh!!!

If I had of known it would take this long I would have started as soon as we got married, but no one, NO ONE ever thinks it will take this long. BUT that said even though I feel likes its taking so long and we have been trying for a year and a half, out of that time we probably took a break a few months here and there so this past unsuccessful cycle would have been try 11, I think, but over all I feel like its been 3 years, between all the anticipation of starting to try, the rubella shot I got that summer in anticipation of ttc, the books I've read.

I think I'm at this point today, this afternoon because I looked at the cost of IVF etc and I just can't see us taking that path... not unless we where living debt free (minus car and mortgage of course) and I was 38 (I'll be 31 in April) but I don't want to have to take out a loan to have a baby, that could just bring all kinds of ugly with it, in my opinion.

whanwahnwhan.... *deep breath* done rant/vent for now.

really looking forward to a day/night with my gf who ust got back from a photographers tradeshow in Vegas!! can't wait to see you Margie!!! Need a girls night and of course need a night of talk, talk, talk about the photo biz and what we should be chomping off next.