CD 27 12 dpo

Test was negative this morning but still no aunt flow... so still hoping and praying for a BFP!

CD 26, 11 dpo

so I've been taking it easy as of late. just trying to stay out of my head and preoccupied for the most part and I was doing really good at it until yesterday. DH was away all weekend and my mind started to wander and count and compare and well you know the drill.

So with every clomid cycle I seem to have a 27/28 day cycle so that said I think I'm going to POAS tomorrow morning. I have the day off to wait for the internet tech to come out to our home in the a.m. so I can have the day at home to be sad or jump for joy or remain completely in the dark as I wait for AF or BFP if I end up with a BFN tomorrow.

Last cycle I did only have 1 egg release, 1 iui and I had spotting on CD 25 but this cycle I had 2 (possibly 3) eggs release, 2 iui's and no spotting yet. I'm almost afraid to dream that we could possibly finally be pregnant. I was telling my therapist just last week that I've had so much disappointment I have no idea anymore of what kind of happiness and excitement a positive could bring. I'm too afraid of another negative result to really let my guard down and hope. I feel like it's coming soon but will it be this month or will I have to wait again

officially exhausted

I'm finally done being poked for this cycle (well other then acupuncture that is). And I just feel like I need a NAP!

I've been to u/s all 4 days of our short work week here and 2 iui's done early evening both Wednesday and Thursday. I think I may have released 2 follicles and there was a 30mm holding on this morning as well. Off to acupuncture this afternoon to make sure that one goes too but for now I am done! yeah!

Last night as I was heading home to pick up the "sample" there was an accident at the end of our street... thank god I didn't see it but as I was trying to drive past everything the woman was climbing out of the ditch her hands in the air screaming "stop, stop, stop". There where a lot of people that had stopped but I couldn't NOT stop too. I just pulled over and hugged her. She was shaking like a leaf and so worried about her granddaughter who had also been in the car but was out with her grandfather on the road. Everyone was ok just really shaken. So after I held this woman for awhile telling her everything was ok and everyone was fine the grandfather gives me this toddler and collapses to his knees shaking and holding his chest. I think he just needed a moment to absorb everything and once his granddaughter realized that she didn't know who I was she was reaching for him again in tears. And then I slipped away into my car to drive down our street to home so I could get you know what from my DH and head straight to the clinic. What a freaking night!

As my friend and ND said just the other day (even before this happened) "your baby wants a really good story!" And I would have to agree.

- RN's at clinic making sure I'm ok with twins
- 2 iui's (two different doctor's... think I've met them all now... lol)
- at least 2 mature released follicles released and maybe a 3rd today
- our 4th wedding anniversary
- possibility of DH being called away for work
- DH came with me to first IUI (first time he's seen me in that position with a dr. but he kept me laughing while we waited)
- and an accident

Here's hoping this is it and we'll be on our way to a healthy, happy baby of our own. :-)

Let the 2 week wait BEGIN!

last weekend...

...still smiling :-)
possibly only because we didn't stay the second night

wanted to share...

I've been making my way through Sue's blog and came across this post.

Mind Body Fertility Connection
By: James Schwartz

"The fertility journey is about much more than bringing children into the world. It can be a pathway to personal discovery as we challenge ourselves to heal the old wounds and experiences that have been holding us back in life. It can be the achievement of wellness and balance of mind, body, and spirit. It can be a bridge to enlightenment as we learn to let go, be in harmony with the natural world, and embrace our connection with the universe. Any healing we do for ourselves, regardless of the issue, becomes a gift to future generations, as children learn by observing our behavior every moment they are in our presence. The healing we do creates a ripple effect, because our power and influence is felt by everyone around us.

The fertility journey is about learning to love and honor ourselves, standing in our power, choosing to nurture ourselves with wholesome foods and positive thoughts, building loving relationships, having patience, accepting the imperfections of life, practicing forgiveness, bravely facing our fears, and letting go of all the stuff in our lives that does not support our higher vision of motherhood."

The second paragraph is what really speaks to me today... today is another day on my path of TTC ups and downs... I'm feeling period-ish and of course the "wipe and look" has started (CD 30 / 9DPO)... some brownish but no real AF just yet... I'm hopeful but at the same time preparing myself for the disappointment.

I cried on my way into work today... just needed to let some of it out... with the first of the brownish stuff showing up late last night it's almost like a secret I don't want to give a voice to just yet... a bad secret that carries disappointment, tears, frustration, anxiety and fear of the unknown.

I never like to tell my husband until I'm SURE that yes it's that damn 'aunt flow' again. So tonight I'll go to my two yoga classes and I'll focus all my energy, thoughts and love to the possibility of landing safely this time on the rock just outside my reach or maybe this time the fall won't be so bad... maybe it will be easier to get up and brush myself off, replace the sensor on the ov watch and start again knowing that even with a new start, another cycle I'm one more month closer to becoming a mom.