Thursday, July 31

I feel an slight sense of anxiety about our trip east.. and what am i so anxious about... having not lost some weight before we go... so f**k stupid but for some reason I'm mentally beating myself up about not putting in a proper effort to shed some pounds before our holidays. but yet i don't feel anxious enough to be spurred on into action.or maybe its just that I feel too overwhelmed by it... probably a little of both.

one more night alone and then Jamie is home again... can't wait... off to the cottage tomorrow night!! YEAH!! (and a little nah... I've just been so self conscience lately and I feel like even my dad and step mom are watching me, watching with i eat, how I look, how I'm feelin' - dad knows I'm seeing a therapist) thinks just feel different... part of me wants to just be at home and alone but i know i should be with family and I know i will have fun once we are there and I want to be there but don't


Wednesday, July 30

20 more days... 20!

Husband is at the Gravenhurst fire college all week, back on Friday afternoon and then we are outta here.. heading to the cottage for the long weekend with a trip to Sauble as some point too... love that!

I am VERY happy to report that TCM are working beautifully as far as I'm concerned. I've knocked my cycle down 3 days (May was 33, June was 34, July 31!) I started taking TCM June 2nd, so this was the first full cycle of all 4 bottles of herbs. So that should mean stronger egg and better timed release of said egg, but I'm not temping so I'm assuming cause that's what the TCM is about. We're still undecided about TTC in August but we're on holidays for a week so who knowns. Its hard not to consciously "try" when your counting the days of your cycle and when to take which TCM etc. but just trying to keep the pressure out of it.

Thursday, July 24

I bought this last night and I freakin' love IT!!!!

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Wednesday, July 16

well its a no on the job... weird story... she/interviewer thought I was mad at her (this all took place on each others facebook walls) I told her no not mad should I be? I didn't hear from you figured you where just crazy busy so turns out they hired someone else because that person had so much experience it just couldn't be ignored. I'm good... I've decided to buy an iPhone!!!! I can't freakin' wait... but I have to till next friday when my contract/plan with rogers is eligible for a phone upgrade. in the meantime I'm taking on learning the sync function so my mac here at work, home and the iphone will keep everything running smoothly and won't have to worry about what is where and on what.

One good thing about not leaving this job right now is of course the benefits which are allowing me to see a therapist and continue on this journey of learning about me and being the person I want to be. And the 6% rrsp contribution helps and finally now having 3 weeks of holidays to play with then the 2.... not that I'm stopped looking for something new... it comes in waves.

I have thurs/friday off this week and I'm looking forward to gutting my home office and setting it back up again in a new layout. I have a ton of stuff that needs to be purged in there and I think I'm finally ready to let it go! I don't know why I hold onto so much but it is a process purging and I have to keep up this momentum so I can get it done and enjoy the rest of my week/end. I'll try to remember to take some before and after shots.

Friday, July 11

Thursday, July 10

My inspiration for this post came from reading Alli's post today and then what came out of me as I left a comment.

I'm not going to try another diet
I don't really care what the number on the scale says
What I'm focusing my attention on right now is me... me as a whole person and the emotional baggage I've been carrying around for the last 10 years or so. Do I have a ton of work to do with my new therapist... NO not really but there are things that are getting in my way without me really realizing what's happening. I need to focus on my relationships with people and making sure I don't give so much of myself that there is nothing left for me! And in doing that I know that the self I once was will return. I'll regain the ambition, motivation and energy I once had and when those things come back the shape of my body will change and find its way back to that 170/175 I was so easily able to maintain.

And I know according to some that's still overweight but for me I know its where my body was happy, I was happy and I felt good and confident in myself. When I get back there maybe it will be time for more change but until I get back to that person I'm going to stop beating the crap out of myself emotionally.

Wednesday, July 9

just curious who's out there... please delurk yourselves ;-)

I don't really want to go private but I think I might be a little more free flowing with my bloggin' if I did. I'm on the fence.

Today was a good day...surprisingly there where a ton of laughs this afternoon after boss lady left. It all started with our student calling the office from staples to make sure no one else needed anything.. someone hollered out "does anyone need anything at staples?" to which I replied "a job application please" lots of laughter followed. then it moved onto who could find the best sound bit *shrug* who really knows how these things unfold but it was great to laugh so hard at work... tomorrow is a boss free day (love thursdays) so hoping more laughter will follow.

I didn't leave my desk at lunch so I decided with only 45 minutes to go that I was going to whip up to starbucks for a chai latte treat.... so yummy!
Rogers caves on iPhone 3G plans, offers up 6GB for $30 a month - Engadget
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site here

Tuesday, July 8

I had another session first thing this morning and i'm feeling tired but good.

holy crap! so I've always known I give too much of myself and today she pointed this out.... it appears to her and she pointed it out to me that I'm finally reevaluating my relationships with those around me. One in particular has been on my mind but I hadn't really decided to do anything about it. but when telling my counselor/psychologist whatever (we'll call her Anita) today about my most recent experience with this person her mouth dropped... (which kinda felt good and validated that yes that was inappropriate). So here's what happened. I do an exchange of services with someone at this point I would consider a friend but our interactions are only based on business it would seem. last time I saw her she was questioning why I hadn't been in for reflexology and I told her that dh and I had decided to take a break from TTC and I was starting TCM with my naturopath in preparation for TTC in the fall and she said "but isn't taking TCM really not taking a break?" I tried to fluff it off and just say well someday you'll understand what all this wanting and desire for family is like... her reply "Honestly Malinda I don't think I will" snicker snicker Like I'm crazy and obsessed and she couldn't even for a second empathize for me/with me... later I was being quite and could hardly breath, had to almost gasp for breath and the weight in my chest was extreme (was getting a massage from her).... after being quite she decided to strike up the conversation again... about her business. Now I know I've always asked questions because I do want her to do well but this exchange of services isn't working anymore. I deserve a peaceful and relaxing massage in exchange for all the graphic/web/photography work I've provided her and I'm not getting that. Another punch to the gut was when I tried to help correct an email issue she is having I discovered that my beautiful business cards are being used to prop up her LAPTOP!! And after so many years of working together she has another photographers work hanging in her space instead of my work... then I had to practically beg her to put mine up.... I don't think she sees a connection in how we can be cross promoting each other maybe that is because of where she is at in her life vs. where I'm at but still I deserve respect and acknowledgement for the work I've done and the effort I've put in ensuring she has a solid brand to present to her client base.

also learned that yes my work environment is toxic and even if the job I have yet to hear about at the college... I still need to keep looking for that new opportunity that is going to allow me to move past this place and onto something new.

I feel good, little nervous about the next step though... I just need to figure out how exactly to approach my friend about changing our working relationship. I deserve to have friends, clients and an employer who acknowledge and value my abilities and experience and its time to put that into play.

We know we'll have a baby. And we're going to have the baby we're suppose to have. Whatever baby we end up having will be the right baby. Our baby. And we know that we'll hold that child and think, "If our journey had been easy, we wouldn't have you." - Baby Proof

found this at Ashely's blog

Monday, July 7

i feel the universe trying to tell me something. I've just about booked an event to shoot this saturday and got a call from an expectant mom for another photo session. thinks are looking up. :-)
I'm such a downer today so click to another blog is you wish.

I tried to eat healthy this weekend and the only thing I got was a headache.... it was 10pm and I thought if I can just get to sleep but I couldn't do it and got up eat 3 cookies and a glass of milk before two tylenol and back to bed. I think I was trying to take on too much. working with a psychologist isn't a visible thing and you want to feel like you are making change.... yeah I know I've only been once but I've been thrown into thinking overdrive this weekend it would seem.

Friday night I got an email from a gf and I love her and I don't want to feel this way but she is pregnant and I cried like a baby friday night... and of course dh is so confused as to what I want but he lovingly held me and let me sob for awhile. I want to cry again just thinking about it all over again. He wants to do whatever I want to do and originally it was to wait till sept. but then friday night I was in "oh my god we have to start trying this month" I feel like I should honor my decision to wait till september but then at the same time I just want this so much at this point in my life that waiting almost feels like I'll end up waiting even longer and longer if we don't get pregnant.

I was always the responsible one... I didn't even start having sex till I was 19... and I've always known being a mom was something I wanted, always a part of the plan for myself and my husband. But I can't seem to let go of the worry and its making me sick, the worry and stress of TTC knocked my cycle out of wack, the stress of a kinda shit job has added 50lbs to my frame and a disturbing lack of ambition.

I have another session tomorrow morning. No word on that job yet but like I've said before I'm on the fence but if they called me right now I'd take it and run, run far far away from this place. somethings gotta give soon.
i just feel sick.... I want to go home and crawl back into bed... I have one of those awful headaches that pounds right behind your eyes.

:-( I love mondays

Friday, July 4

Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) and Fertility
some info for anyone reading who might find it helpful... I haven't done any
acupuncture, but planning to do some of that in the fall.

I think what is most frustrating is that my cycle was a regular 28/29 days until we started trying to
conceive and it went all wonky, this past cycle was 34 days so hopefully I'll see it come down a day or two this cycle. It really is incredible how much everything around you effects the way your body, mind and soul function.

might add some more info/links later today.

Stress and Infertility -
Doctors offer insights on how daily stress can disrupt fertility -- and how relaxation can help.

Even though we are "taking a break" the thought still tugs at my mind.... the window is approaching... I'm not going to burden my dh with that though, we are after all "taking a break" if it happens it happens but I'd be lying if i didn't admit its still on my mind. I still think about being a mom, about pregnancy and what that will look like for us.

I'm keeping up with my traditional Chinesse meds/herbs/supplements (whatever) and taking 17 pills a day! for what you ask? 12 of those are the same and are to assist my cycle, there are 4 different ones and each bottle is taken at different points throughout my cycle (i.e. PMS support days 1 to 5 or follicular support days 6 to 11 and so on) + 2 multi/stress vitamin that is suppose to help my body manage stress better or how stress effects my body + 2 omega3s + 1 folic acid

no word on the p/t job yet... I've decided for now I'm not going to follow up just because I do know the woman that would be my boss and I know that when a decision is made I will know about it. It took almost a month for the interview to be set up so it will take some time. Everything happens for a reason after all.

Thursday, July 3

I have a headache! you know the kind you get after a really good cry?!

after my first session with psychologist (actually clinical counselor or something but I get the receipt that allows me to write off 80% for benefits when she contracts from the psychologists office) I decided to head to the waterfront to just chill and regroup before making my way back to work. I did pretty good today, got a lot out about what has been going on in the last 10+ years that has brought me to being who and where I am today. I don't know why so many tears... is it just admitting to someone else what you think or how you feel, being allowed to say things you might never have allowed yourself to say before and say them out loud... I cried but I also wanted to keep talking to get my $140 bucks worth LMAO.. I feel good. I feel like I've started down a path that I probably should have started awhile ago but maybe I wasn't quite ready. I have another session on Tuesday morning since the job issue is pressing and although I don't know if I have the job offer or not I do need to work on how to not pick up my boss's triggers so easily and I think in turn that is going to keep me from doing the same with my mom... a whole other story in itself.

so my homework before then?

to make a list of things I love to do, that are for me and about me that make my "heart sing"...

quickly off the top of my head... here we go.

1. photographing people, especially women - love it when a woman leaves my home studio feeling on top of the world beautiful because of the pictures I've taken

2. being with my husband, day trips together, laughing together

3. being with my dad

4. downtime just to be alone and quite

5. hatha yoga - use to go to one yoga studio all the time but haven't found something I love now that that place has closed. And driving 30 minutes between cities with gas prices right now keeps me from going to a class...wish I could find something that started just after 5pm so I could do a class then head home

6. dancing - i danced for 14 of my first 17 years (tap, jazz & ballet) and use to just love it but feel intimidated by the schools here and uninspired by the caliber of classes available for adults

Wednesday, July 2

oh the weekend how I miss thee...

this weekend was good and bad. good because my gf came to visit me who I haven't seen since October but bad because I just felt like I was waiting for Monday. our employer didn't do the day swamp so we worked monday and had tuesday off. whatever...worked out for dh and I cause he was at a course sat/sun/mon. and still had tuesday off so we got the day together. I slept in and we did very little work outside and then pretty much just chilled out for the afternoon and evening.

I just came in from a short lunch break outside and the person who deals with the benefits decided to add her 2 cents "its just a job... its funny just laugh!" she was referring to what I told her last week. I'm going to see a psychologist tomorrow and I was just confirming what was or wasn't covered by our benefits package. I have coverage of 80%/visit up to $500/yr. She seemed concerned (aka nosy) and I just fluffed off her concern saying I just wanted to talk to someone about how to deal with working at this place and then she pops out with that today. whatever... I figure I might as well take hold of the benefits while I've got them. I want to talk about my mother, wanting to conceive, my emotional eating/weight, my job, leaving my shit job.

"its just a job" - see that's just it for most people it is just a job but I want so much more out of my career, out of an employer... a little respect and acknowledgment can go a long way and my wages and the treatment I get here don't reflect my value to the company. I feel like I've been beat down by my employer and the confidence and ambition I once had for my small business is dwindling FAST. That was always our plan... work to get the house and then start the family and get that first mat and never go back.

As for the job interview I had almost 2 weeks ago I still have no news. I'm hoping to hear something this week though... however I'm still on the fence about wanting it. Not sure the job/pay and added expenses outweigh getting the hell out of here right now. I have benefits, no I don't make great money, but I have an RRSP contribution, the odd $200 bonus, almost a weeks+ holidays at christmas and finally as of July 25 I've earned 3 weeks vacation for the coming year instead of 2. And I just feel like if I could just get pregnant and get a mat leave out of them I would be done with this company.

Food so far,
b: watermelon
l: leftover sausage/peppers + pasta, raspberries
s: nectarine