When do you give up?

Another month of disappointment. When do you give up? How many more times do we try when all we know is disappointment 27-32 days at a time....

I'm tired... but like any other month myself & my husband will pick ourselves up out of this funk and carry on... cause the idea of missing another opportunity now matter how badly the odds are stacked against us is better then giving up all together. But seriously... can we just once finally have a happy ending... just once is all I'm asking for.

again... sleepy

It's CD 25 and I'm keeping my distance from the things I know could drive me a little nuts as we wait to see if it'll be BFP or BFN this month. I'm so hopeful though (considering the shift in 'O' day) but at the same time it just doesn't seem possible... like winning the lottery... getting pregnant it one of those things where you either are or you aren't as far as I'm concerned. I know it will happen for us and I'm either a. trying to keep myself distracted from counting down the days past ovulation (9 today) or b. visualizing my husband and I staring at one of my 8 pregnancy pee strip tests that are suppose to expire Jan. 2010 and asking ourselves if we see a line or not or of course c. it ends up being next Friday and I'm pretty much convinced I'm pregnant because my cycle is so regular I must be pregnant. what's it going to be? hhhmmmmmm

Acupuncture session tonight, followed later tonight by more small business brain storming with a couple other fellow business women. We're making this a weekly thing to keep ourselves on track, accountable and keep our businesses moving onward and upward.

I'm heading to the yoga retreat right after work tomorrow. I'm a little nervous but I know it will be awesome! 7 yoga classes in total.... 4 of which happen on Saturday and then I should be heading home by 3pm on Sunday. I wonder how I'll be feeling by then? rested? relaxed? tired?

I'll be taking some pictures of course but will try and snap a pic or two on my cell to share here.

Happy weekend everyone!

sleepy

that's how I've been feeling since we returned for our mini holiday in Tobermory... we had an awesome time and it felt so great to be sleeping in a tent, waking up and starting our day slowly chilling out by a nice warm fire to dry out the mornings dew.

but I'm sleepy... falling asleep on the couch at night and that yummy kind of slumber that you don't want to get up from in the morning.

luckily this is a short week for me again and then I have the yoga retreat this weekend... so hopefully more of the same slumber, early morning sunshine and lots of yogahhhhhh :-)

I'm trying not to get too wrapped up in the counting and such as we wait to see if AF will appear again this month... feeling a sense of hope but hoping if she does I won't fall apart with disappointment. Seeing the 'o' day fall on CD 16 vs the other months of CD 21 and 23 just seems to hold so much promise and excitement for a successful month and finally our own BFP!

on pregnant little sister news... they are having a boy... I feel a little relieved somehow that it's a boy and not a girl... I guess I'm hoping for a girl and at least she hasn't taken that away... does that make sense? She called to tell me on Monday and through the conversation she also filled me in on her plan for the winter semester... she's going to take about a week - week and a half off when the baby arrives and then go right back to class... I think she said she was going to take 3 classes that semester. Little sister tags/posts are here if you care to catch up on the drama. lol

haircut tonight, acupuncture tomorrow and yogahhhh on friday... keeping things pretty mellow and zen so far as to ward off any stress that might get in the way of our TTC efforts :-)

acupuncture...

hurt like a m.other f**cker (excuse my language) last night and I'm sure it isn't going to get any better tomorrow when I go again or again next Thursday.... I'm assured that this is a good thing as it means the chi is moving and also lots of energy in my abdomen.. woohooo...

i guess it also hurts not only because of the stage in my cycle but some emotional points being hit as well... we actually get a good laugh in as she's putting the needles in and last night my ND promised that I could bring my child to her someday and she'd fill them in on all the craziness their mom went through just to have them! LOL

I'm feeling giddy with optimism this month... everything on so many levels is just going really well and timing with our sometimes crazy schedules is working out well too... 3 day weekend... 3 day week this week (yeah tomorrow is my Friday), extra long weekend of camping this weekend and then a 4 day work week with a yoga retreat weekend to cap things off... if that can't keep me mellow who know if it is even possible. :-)

I'm off to a nice sweat inducing yoga class tonight and then home to do a little work and relax with Daytona.... my DH is off on another wed. night dive tonight... which always makes him very happy :-) yeah! he's also diving one afternoon this weekend while we're away camping. After dive season is out of the way and no more wed. night dives I'm going to stay for an extra yoga class on wed. nights... yoga to nurture! I can't wait!

very interesting....

so it's month three using the ov watch and look at this.....

cycle 1 - O, CD 21

cycle 2 - O, CD 23

cycle 3 - O, CD 16!!!!!!!!! WTF!

CD 16 isn't that when most normal women ovulate? or close to it anyways. I couldn't believe it when I saw my wrist the other morning... I was sitting up all sleepy and trying to wake up enough to say good bye to my DH and give him a kiss and then I caught out the corner of my eye that the watch looked like it had more writing up then the typical NF it has been displaying night after night... FERTILE DAY 1... holy crap! Window had opened!!!

I emailed my Naturopath and she thought that was awesome and to keep up the good work... uh oh... you mean the eating healthier and getting in lots of yoga is probably what did this?! Nothing better then a complete shift in your cycle to keep you on track!

I should mention too that I've been doing contrast showers... which yes totally freaked me out in the beginning but its kinda routine now and helps me shake off the morning fog and get going. What's a contrast shower you ask???? I take my usual shower temperature and then when I'm done, knock it down to a colder temp. I nice catch your breath in your throat cold and make sure I get a good 30+ seconds on my neck and chest... which I guess is helping with my thyroid?! Even though testing came back normal for my thyroid my ND still wants to see a better number over all and this is suppose to help along with the better eating and sweating I've been doing and holy crap it must be working cause that O day is a dramatically different this month.

Off to get poked by some needles after work and then some other poking a little later tonight LMAO... yes I went there... sorry! haha

eye twitch

... could it be a sign? LOL

It has been one hell of a week but not a bad week.

Cleaned apartment up after the guy who rented it for 4 months left on Monday afternoon... OMG people... gross! Two evenings of cleaning, watching the walls even (thank goodness it's a small bach. apt.) and now it is ready for another student who will be with us for 8 months. Who started moving in yesterday! woohoo!

I attended an awesome seminar in Vaughan, ON on Wednesday night all about bellies & babies photography which I'm most passionate about and since then I have booked a baby's first year client!!! (it has been longer then I'd like to admit since having one of these types of clients) And finally starting to put some marketing things into action that I've been dragging my ass on for far too long... September is always a super busy month for me and I just seem to make it busier and busier but I'm having fun so why not!

But this eye twitch I've got happening is driving me a little batty... my right eye lid just twitches now and then and it's irritating as hell. I think I'm going to have to rest my eyes for the better part of the weekend but I don't know that my brain ort my to do list will let me.

on the TTC front we've just been waiting for the ov watch to say 'go'... LOL it's everything else though that has most definatly been keeping our minds off TTC and the lack of a BFP thus far in our lives. Over all...we're a pretty content couple and it feels great!

Fertility Clinic

First consult is BOOKED and I'm feeling super lucky that they are actually able to see us this week! Our appointment is for Sunday a.m. woohooo!

I hadn't talked to DH before booking it but he seems ready for it, maybe not as ready as I am but ready... I think he's feeling a little defeated because the test came back low motility but he's ready to start popping the TCM I picked up from my naturopath and I've heard zinc and vitamin C is important too. I'm just relieved we can get the consult in before AF shows up although I'd happily take a BFP (Fertile Day 2 today) over cycle monitoring any day but I'm sure that goes without saying.

My naturopath is also looking into what she'd like me to focus on with the thyroid result being 3.1.... I'll keep you posted on that.

I made it through another kick my ass, sweat inducing yoga class tonight and I'm feeling good. Actually in the process of baking up a couple batches of biscotti to take to two events/visits we have this weekend. My friend and yogi teacher extraordinaire is really encouraging me to participate in the retreat coming up next month... 3 days, 10 yoga classes, vegetarian menu in the peace and tranquility of nature... I think she's seeing something in me, my spirit that might be hurting and she has been so amazing and just waiting till I was ready to really take this very physical plunge into my yoga practise. As scared as I am to participate I know that it will be good for me. I think what scares me is the chance that being so focused for a 3 day period on my practise will bring about some kind of emotional release I'm holding onto and not ready to let go of yet... being the tough cookie that I am... okay stubborn might be a better word. I'm a Taurus. But I think it is time to do what makes me uncomfortable. Whether that's in how I approach my small business, relationships or my own physical/emotional/spiritual well being I need to step out of my comfort zone and challenge myself. But I'll be taking baby steps not leaping from the cliff. It's just who I am and I'm a-ok with that.

For now I leave you with the pictures I had promised of our fur-baby. Yes I said fur-baby. He is the apple of our eye and he lightens up the most awful day regardless of how long we've been gone or how often he gets walks. As long as the cookies keep flowing and he can crash on the bed after DH gets up in the morning he's a pretty happy dog!

wanted to share...

I've been making my way through Sue's blog and came across this post.

Mind Body Fertility Connection
By: James Schwartz

"The fertility journey is about much more than bringing children into the world. It can be a pathway to personal discovery as we challenge ourselves to heal the old wounds and experiences that have been holding us back in life. It can be the achievement of wellness and balance of mind, body, and spirit. It can be a bridge to enlightenment as we learn to let go, be in harmony with the natural world, and embrace our connection with the universe. Any healing we do for ourselves, regardless of the issue, becomes a gift to future generations, as children learn by observing our behavior every moment they are in our presence. The healing we do creates a ripple effect, because our power and influence is felt by everyone around us.

The fertility journey is about learning to love and honor ourselves, standing in our power, choosing to nurture ourselves with wholesome foods and positive thoughts, building loving relationships, having patience, accepting the imperfections of life, practicing forgiveness, bravely facing our fears, and letting go of all the stuff in our lives that does not support our higher vision of motherhood."

The second paragraph is what really speaks to me today... today is another day on my path of TTC ups and downs... I'm feeling period-ish and of course the "wipe and look" has started (CD 30 / 9DPO)... some brownish but no real AF just yet... I'm hopeful but at the same time preparing myself for the disappointment.

I cried on my way into work today... just needed to let some of it out... with the first of the brownish stuff showing up late last night it's almost like a secret I don't want to give a voice to just yet... a bad secret that carries disappointment, tears, frustration, anxiety and fear of the unknown.

I never like to tell my husband until I'm SURE that yes it's that damn 'aunt flow' again. So tonight I'll go to my two yoga classes and I'll focus all my energy, thoughts and love to the possibility of landing safely this time on the rock just outside my reach or maybe this time the fall won't be so bad... maybe it will be easier to get up and brush myself off, replace the sensor on the ov watch and start again knowing that even with a new start, another cycle I'm one more month closer to becoming a mom.

I bought...

a bella band... found it on ebay and I just couldn't pass it up... the price was beyond a good deal... $5!!! I just hope I'll get to put it to good use sooner then later.

In the past I've worried about buying baby things and that perhaps I'm jinxing myself but I've only purchased about a drawer full of things. Things that are special and unique for the most part or a crazy good deal. Like the diaper shirts from the original NYC fire store, or knit booties that look like fireman boots (my husband's a volunteer firefighter), or the bjorn carrier that I scored on ebay at such a great price and a handful of other stuff. All these things where generally purchased in those early months of TTC and usually when I was on a shopping trip with my step mom and girlfriends. I'm not frequenting the baby section at Old Navy looking for the clearence stuff to pad the drawers of the dresser that will sit in the nursery.

I feel for the most part I've done the research, know what I like, what I want and what I wouldn't waste my money on or anyone elses for that matter. Now it's just a wait and see game. Hopefully we'll see that BFP soon and I'll know I've safely landed on the other side of that leap from not pregnant to pregnant! :-)

CD 28 - 7 DPO

For some reason my mind kept wandering to home pregnancy tests yesterday and trying to visualize what it would look like to take that elusive HPT and get a positive result... it just feels like such an unattainable thing at times, most of the time... as though how is it possible that this could happen to us, for us...

It's feels like winning the lottery... maybe you play but still hold out little hope that you could win that big jackpot. getting pregnant just seems so foreign... like a lottery that I couldn't possibly hope to win or a place I can't see, or ever hope to visit. In this journey of TTC there have been more and more people around me now more then ever getting pregnant, announcing their good news, hearing about so and so is now pregnant too... and then you realize that you've been trying much longer then so and so and now she and her husband are almost at the end, waiting for their little one to arrive. Foreign!

I can picture what we'll be like as parents, the excitement of waiting for them to arrive, watching my belly grow, sharing the news with family & friends, I can picture walks along the waterfront with stroller or sling, weekends with my dad and step mom, the shock of sleepless nights, walking to the nursery to check on our sweet pea, tears, diaper changes, my sweet husband and baby fast asleep on the couch, I can see so much of what having a child will probably be for us but I can't get my mind wrapped around the actual HPT giving me a positive. I can picture it all except that leap from not pregnant to pregnant is too far for me to jump.

what is that in my ear?

so last night I had a great class at yoga although slightly rushed as I didn't stay to enjoy shavasana/meditation but headed off to see my naturopath for an acupuncture treatment at 7... so 10pm rolls around and I'm at home catching up with my dad on the phone and I'm switching my cell from side to side and then I touch me ear... what the hell is that?!

We where talking small business networking the whole time pretty much and I didn't realize that my naturopath has placed 2 small balls to part of my upper ear, sort of inside with tape... I sent her an email last night... did you forget something in my ear or should I leave these in? LOL I got my reply this morning and was told it has to do with keeping anxiety at bay and to keep them in for as long as I can possibly stand... and ever since I found them last night I'm completely conscience of them... or perhaps I'm just conscience of the fact I need to breath deep and chill out for these next couple of weeks. A physical reminder if you will like string tied to a finger! :-)

I have another session with her on Thursday too... fingers crossed DH sperm have caught the egg and are getting to work! Last night on the drive home I had these thoughts of cartoon sperm hanging out waiting for the egg to make it's entrance... pictured them reading magazines, playing ping pong... like a bunch of guys hanging out in a college rec room or something. LOL Yes I know I'm a bit of a goof! But the thought just makes me smile and it's hard not to laugh and tell someone what I'm thinking... so I get to tell you instead.

Very excited about some new ideas and steps I'm taking with my small business... things are just kind of lining up with regard to a weekly networking opportunity and I think it's time to make the commitement to myself and my future in small business. That is the plan afterall to hold out in my full time gig, get my 1 year of mat leave and just keep on trucking with my small business, never actually going back to the full time job. I'm going to check out a meeting on Friday, very early in the a.m..... so we'll see!

therapy

at a quick glance at my older posts it doesn't look like I've talked about my session with my therapist... which honestly people if you don't have a therapist this just translate to a really great chat or release with someone who won't judge.

So to sum up my session... I'm OK. LOL We had a good laugh towards the end of the session because she pretty much said she was very worried (told her briefly in an email that I wanted to see her because my younger sister is pregnant) about me and how my sister's pregnancy might effect just how well I am doing. But she was really surprised and pleased with the way I was handling it and that I was able to separate her pregnancy from my own life and happiness. Yeah sure I'm going to get a little bummed at times with my sister's pregnancy and whatever might be thrown at me in a text (like the one I got the other day asking me to go buy her some maternity clothes at old navy... ah NO... you can get them in your province albeit it's a 2 hour drive but still... come on, she makes the trip to that city every week for work!), email or over the phone but she is in another province and I don't have to see her regularly.. the situation as it stands now... couldn't be more perfect.

I have basically decided that if being pregnant right this second meant being in a relationship like the one my sister is in... then I don't want it. Over the last few months my sister and her fiance have been on the brink of a break up, my sister complaining and cry about how her fiance isn't being there for her and taking care of their home etc and they also decided to post pone their wedding which was previously going to be Sept. 5, 09. I do want her to be happy, and succeed and I hope that her relationship will survive the biggest challenge of their lives as they wait for this little one to arrive.

Okay back to me... ov watch is now at Ovulation day 1... I've entered our baby dancing details into my fertilityfriend.com account and we got a score of 'good' (score can be low, good or high).... I'll take that this month.... also on Sunday I felt a bit tender on the right side of my abdomen... so maybe that was ovulation pain? who knows... I've feeling good about our window this month and now the waiting starts before just maybe I'll make it far enough to use one of the pregnancy tests I've had on hand since we started this journey... yeah... since we started. I bought a bunch from early-pregnancy-tests.com way back in the fall of 2007... I looked at them last week and they expire Jan. 2010... which makes me laugh but in a truly "I'm so sad" kinda way. LOL

Tonight I have yoga and then it's time for some acupuncture. My naturopath and friend was so sweet to answer my emails on a Friday night "the watch said it's go time when should I schedule some acupuncture!" So I've got a session tonight and one scheduled from Thursday but I'm sure she'll let me know if I need to keep that session or not.

AND so proud of myself I filed ALL the papers/bills etc that where on my desk.. I had sorted them previously by business, personal and husband and then last night it took me an hour to put them into their respective files in the filing cabinet. Also in that hour I sorted receipts and filed'em and did some shredding. One more thing crossed OFF my list of to do's!!! woohooo :-)

here I am

WOW such a great holiday.. spent mostly at home and working on my own small business stuff, sleeping in, photo shoots, little cottage time, started decluttering my office (work in progress there), catching up with friend and fellow photog while dinning and shopping at Ikea, relaxing on the couch all afternoon with our pup AND finally getting a good layer cleaned up all over our house.... we can't seem to just keep things at one point of clean its always a big overhaul kind of clean... you know the kind when you finally vacuum the lamp shades, move the kitchen chairs to wash the floor, run the vacuum attachements over the baseboards and corners of the room etc. LOL

And now I have a 3 day work week ahead of me, massage tonight, yoga tomorrow and a photo shoot on saturday morning!!! I'm hoping next week, working a full 5 day week won't kill me! LOL

Still no Fertile Day 1 on the ov watch... my husband has been checking every morning before I'm even awake yet.. he's ready to baby dance! :-) .... so far we're CD 15. Last night he mentioned that it seems like in previous months we had started the baby dance earlier (usually tried to BD every other day CD 10 to 20) so it will be intereting to see when the watch says 'go' because obviously our timing hasn't worked to date.

I'm REALLY excited and so hopefull that we'll have success within the next few months :-)

ov watch wait

okay even though I've ordered that little thing well in advance of when I needed it customs had a different plan and it has been held up in Mississauga waiting for the shipper to forward the appropriate paperwork... which I've been told now on two occasions that yes it has been and yesterday told that the watch will be released today to go out... I'm not the only one waiting for this thing... I can see via the tracking number they gave me that 12 orders went out on the 12th and 1 was actually delivered but the other 11 are still waiting for clearance?? and have been since June 15th!!!!!

I told the customer support lady that my body is waiting for this watch.. lol Until this morning I hadn't started my cycle yet and yesterday was CD 34... that is really odd for me but like I said it showed up this morning.

So I've left a note on the door today... "Hello Fed.Ex" asking that if no one is home to sign they can leave it with my neighbor or just leave a pick up card cause well we work and won't be home the next day either... so here is hoping that it gets here ASAP cause I have to start wearing it to bed today, Thursday or Friday for it to work this cycle.

Care to place any bets? I'm trying not to get my hopes up at this point that it will be here in time.. pretty bummed that we won't get to see the ov watch work its magic this month so let's hope my cycle doesn't last 34 days this time and a nice speedy 29 so we can put the ov watch to work.

renewed hope

I have this huge sense of hope and excitement for this little watch that should arrive sometime next week.

I'm looking at baby things online again, searching ebay, thinking about moving the office, baby things, maternity clothes etc... I haven't done that in MONTHS!!

I will try not to get too wrapped up in all that stuff but I just feel like we are closer then ever to finally conceiving. I've talked before about what a journey this whole TTC train ride has been and I guess perhaps now finally we're finding ourselves in just the right place for baby to join our lives.

Perhaps I'm just a perpetual optimist but if knowing that if I can't believe it and see it and feel it... it may never happen... so I keep on hoping, day dreaming and smiling that we'll hold a very special secret just my husband and I in the months to come.

----

toying with the idea again of making this blog private so if you can't see it right away one day and you've been lurking for awhile just drop me an email and let me know you'd like to keep on following our TTC to belly to baby journey!

ov watch

so not good at this blogging thing LOL.... it's been awhile.

I just had to tell blog world that I just ordered it! It will ship Friday and should be here just in time for my next cycle.

The OV Watch... :-)

I'm really excited about trying this thing out... I love what the testimonials have to say about taking the stress out of trying or knowing when the optimal window for trying really is. I know what I think it is but having something tell me.... woohooo sign me up.

I bought the kit that comes with 4 months worth of sensors. I figure I can either hold onto the watch and sell the sensors on ebay or sell sensors + watch on ebay at a later day... You can find a handful of these for sale on ebay and they always go for the same price if not more then what they are selling for on the ov watch site.

I've been mulling over this purchase for a while now and I just thought, screw it.... I think this is a far smaller investment overall then finding ourselves in the fertility clinic just yet (I'm deathly afraid of the stress that could come on both of us financially, physically and mentally). Still going to move forward with whatever our family doctor can do for us, DH - SA test and perhaps ultrasounds for me in the near future but this little watch is surely going to take the stress out of the TTC game as it stands right now.

more ov watch related posted to follow in the coming weeks I'm sure.

in other news... I bought a size smaller yesterday at Reitmans... new pair of pants and also a skort.... a freakin skort (looks like a short skirt all the way around, not just in the front)... I haven't worn a skirt or shorts in such a long time... drawing the line at capri pants. I guess I'm doing better on the food front then I thought.... and the Happy Sense stuff.... loving those little happy pills.... has helped tremendously with my blues and also I guess with the weight (I refuse to get on a scale as I know how quickly it will screw with my thoughts and send me on a downward spiral)

Yesterday my DH and I where talking about how exhausted we both are... even though its not TTC time all the time it feels like we're always trying even if we aren't baby dancing? does that make any sense to you ladies? It is so exhausting! I'm not stressing about having another period or how sad that will be I'm just looking after me, one day at a time. And waiting patiently for my ov watch to arrive!!! wooohoooo!

What is wrong with me?

Catching up on so many blogs I read via my google reader and there have been a number of mentions about Mother's Day and of course not so happy Mother's Day posts from those who are struggling with infertility.... so I ask myself... what is wrong with me?

Yesterday was just another day. I called my mom and when I called to wish my step mom a Happy Mother's Day too my dad commented on how great I sounded. At which time I teased him... "as compared to what exactly dad?" lol laughs all around hahaha... was it just because we weren't with family for the day?

Maybe it's just our lifestyle at the moment... we don't have a pile of friends who we see regularly or talk to regularly with babies or babies on the way... the one couple we do see now and then is my ND and her husband and their little man and well..... I enjoy my time with them... they TTC'ed for 2 years, so I know she gets it.

I've noticed that the moments of shear agony and upset over a pregnancy announcement are few and far between... a good cry, a day or two of feeling down and I'm good to go again.

I can't compare myself to any of these women online or in my own life. I feel excited for them to have become moms. I continue my photography work with expectant moms and newborns and I'm excited to share a small moment in time with them. My saturday was spent with 4 generations of women. A photo shoot, a 13 day old newborn little girl, her mom, grandmother and great grandmother and during our little breaks to comfort baby I just kind of sat in awe of them... feeling lucky to be a part of their day and watching them soak up all the newborn baby love.

Someone asked me once how I can do that.... photography of expectant moms and babies when we don't have a child to call our own yet.... and at the time I just answered because I love it.... but the question sat with me and well.... These women and children and families all around me are great and wonderful and it is their experience, their little one... not mine! I know that our day is coming and I know maybe this isn't what I anticipated but somehow I'm not entirely surprised by it either... my husband and I have both had our share of obstacles both in our single lives and together and we've overcome them... this obstacle will be no different.

Perhaps my tune will change if this journey to becoming a mom takes more and more time but for now I'm okay... I'm walking this journey and I'm learning so much about myself and I trust that this chapter will come to an end and we'll start another chapter as new parents to our own child.

oh there you are...

...I was beginning to think you weren't going to show this month... hoping might be a better word, but of course true to form, here you are. At least you didn't spoil my birthday.

As soon as I hit 'publish post' (and the person on the other side of my cubicle wall goes to lunch) I'm calling the doc.

I'm okay... I thought it would be hard this month but I think making the decision to seek out the doctors help this month is easing the "mourning" process if you will. And of course I have my birthday to look forward to. As I mentioned before I'm hoping for some birthday money so I can buy an ov watch but part of me is thinking of holding off a little until I see the doc would better.

To recap... I have a regular 28-30 day cycle, every month.... Feb. '08 was the last time I had an odd cycle of 42 days and got a couple of BFN.

I don't know why but I feel as though because I'm so regular, know I ovulate (positive OPKs), maybe my tubes are blocked? I have pretty bad cramping every month but with ibuprofen and my heating pad on my back I'm generally good to go. This month I took 2 OPK and the first one was dead on, CD 17... I knew it would be positive, the second I took a.m. on CD 18 and it was strong but not the bright line I had CD 17.

A list of all the things I have tried to date (*things I still do regularly):
- reflexology
- BBT
- saliva scope
*- I track my cycles on fertility friend
*- OPK
*- CM tracking
*- chiropractor (always have always will, love our chiro!)
*- naturopathic doc
- TCM (6 months)
- then took a break from that and tried Fertil Aid (5 months)
- BD over third day, or every other day through "window" this month considering BD twice a week all month long
- fertility yoga
*- since April 1 taking yoga twice a week at a local yoga studio
*- acupuncture
after BDing I stay on my back, rolled up beach towel under my hips, knees bent, min. 20 minutes as was suggested by my reflexologist.

We started TTC Sept. 2007 but have taken 2 breaks in there of a couple months off at a time.

I just have to shake my head sometimes and wonder if I will EVER have the thrill and excitement of seeing a positive on those pregnancy test pee strips. I know I will be a mom someday, I feel like one already in some ways (I know it might seem silly but we refer to each other as mom and dad when talking to the dog... "go see daddy!" - yes I know we are one of those crazy dog loving couples, but thank god for him as he puts a smile on our faces everyday... unconditional love and puppy dog eyes are the best).

Anyways it's after 1:30, doc's receptionists should be back at the phone in just minutes!

update
Appointment booked: May 1 first thing in the morning! *big sigh* that feels like a load off already

flippin' n floppin'

I can hold up so much hope that this month I will have the best possible birthday gift... and then in the blink of an eye I struggle to not pick up the phone to schedule an appointment with the doctors office. My mood will dive so low its as if I already know that I will get my period this month and we where unsuccessful. But I have to hope and pray that this is it... if we conceived this month we'd have a new year baby and on top of my birthday coming up and the though of having a baby before 2010 just feels so exciting.

It's that 2 weeks of waiting... the am I or am I not? The praying please, oh please let it finally be time... with each month we want a child to call our own more and more. Trying to find distraction in each day to keep my mind occupied but feeling too paralyzed with fear of mourning another month without a baby, a first pregnancy to celebrate, that I just want to curl up and sleep, to not do anything.

I know I've probably said it a millions times in my head, a hundred times right here... but I think this month if we are not successful I will make the appointment.. even if its for as far away as June or later... I just need to start some kind of testing for myself and that 1 all important test for my DH so we might get some answers... I'm so regular, I know I'm ovulating... is it just my mind that keeps getting in my way?

Can you imagine if all this time I've just had a couple of blocked tubes that needed to be cleaned up? I hope it is something this simple, something 'fixable' if you will.

For my 31st birthday I'll be treating myself to either an ov watch or a couple of bella bands.

And tonight even though I ssssooooooooo do NOT want to go to yoga, I will go, just for the chance to have someone reminding me to breath.

last chance for '09

so this month the window is looming and I'm feeling optimistic... if we where to conceive this month I'd be looking for that BFP on my 31st birthday... yeah I know... its going to be hard not to get my hopes up AND a Christmas delivery. This is the last chance for a 2009 baby.

Turning 30 wasn't such a big deal but I worry what my 31st birthday and no baby news would send me into a tail spin if I'm not careful. As my husband has said... he's not done trying yet. So I will keep on going and if we aren't lucky this month I'm going to buy an ov watch with birthday money. And then we'll see how many months without a positive I can stand before I put my foot down and go to the doctor to get some testing started. My naturopath has been so supportive as she and her husband tried for two years as well. We'll hit the 2 year mark this September.

I flip flop on getting the testing started just about every other day. Part of me is really afraid I will need some kind of lap surgery or tube "blow out" to get pregnant... and I'm not sure where that comes from since my own mother didn't have any issues conceiving. Then there is the side of me that says no don't call the doctor yet... they're just going to tell you to loose weight. I don't know how I've come to associate my ability to conceive with my weight... I guess other then my husband I don't have anyone in my family that gets what I'm going through. Then I have been encouraged by some to just gets started with the testing sooner then later... but here's the thing... going down the infertility treatment road is expensive and right now there is no room in the budget for these types of treatments... so maybe I'm avoiding the fertility dr's because I really don't want to know just yet that we are going to need there help.

oh geessssss I'm a bit of mess today I guess, rambling away. Just in my head at least... otherwise I've been feeling pretty good overall.

off to yoga tonight, massage on saturday and acupuncture next week.