Psychic reading

So it was a few weeks ago now but I did go see a psychic.

Now let me just start by saying that I've never wanted to know what the future holds or who's around me and all that jazz. I guess to an extent I feel connected to what I need to know but the reason for finally deciding to give it a try was for a couple reasons. The woman I found online payed attention to her website and wrote from the heart. I just really liked how genuine she came across and liked what she had to say about her approach to readings and how she saw herself compared to others out there that might lead someone astray with their "visions". Also I just had a couple of questions. I needed some affirmation if you will that I wasn't wasting my time and on a path that was keeping me from becoming a mother. I don't feel that I am and with her guidance I just feel that much more confident in the path we've chosen to stick to for now.

So as I mentioned my two questiuons that I really wanted answers to

a.... will I ever get pregnant and finally become a mom
b.... will I be successful running my business when I finally leave my job

So here's what I learned from the reading.

- apparently there is something exciting that will happen around christmas but definatly before the new year.. unsure of what and she wasn't confident that it was necessarily baby related but something exciting. She even asked me to contact her and let her know what it ended up being.

- she admitted that generally she can see into the future about 5 years and in 5 years she does see me with 2 kids, a boy and a girl but it was unclear how old they are

- I will have my own biological children and to stay on the course I've been on. I admitted that I wasn't sure if we should start the adoption process and that it didn't feel right for us and she said no, stay on the path you're on right now. I don't see adoption as your future and I think it will only deter you from the path you should be taking

- again I will get pregnant but there will still be some sort of fertility augmentation in order to make that happen

- there was something about an older male that is close to me who will pass but it will be expected (no idea here so we'll see) My immediate concern my dad (I'm such a daddy's girl) but she didn't feel that he was that close.. someone else that wasn't related to me I think is what she said

- that we will struggle financially this winter... we'll be fine but as with every winter over the last couple of years it will be tight

- my business is completely "viable" and she felt that it would require it's own space someday. A location outside of my home. That makes me very excited and completely freaked out but I'm learning that if I'm going to be successful I need to do things that scare me.

Dear childhood friend who just had a baby

This is a letter I wrote to a childhood friend shortly before she had her baby.. I never sent the letter/email but it felt good to put it down. So I hope you don't mind if I share it with all of you :-)

Dear Childhood friend,

It's amazing how life takes hold and before you know it months and years have passed without having shared time with one of your best childhood friends. I know neither one of us has necessarily been good at keeping our friendship alive with so much distance between us but I just wanted you to know I think of you often and am so excited that you'll wear the title of mom so very very soon.



I've managed to put a big bubble around my life in the last three years. Putting even more distance between those I hold so dear, some family and many friends. In those three years (dear husband) and I have struggles to have a family of our own. We've gone as far as the fertility clinics, so many tests, HSG, cycle monitoring, clomid, HCG shots and IUI's all foreign to your own experience I hope. I would not wish this heartache on anyone and although I know and believe with all my heart that we'll have our own little one someday it still stings as those around us celebrate this new beginning in their own lives.



I guess maybe I've wanted to share my own experience with you for awhile now but as I said life gets in the way and we tend to think maybe this just isn't the right time.



Today and in the coming months I'm feeling so alive as I work towards leaving my full-time job to go back to running my business again. This job has allowed us the opportunity to easily purchase a home but that was 5 years ago and with the mortgage renewal just a couple months away the realization that I'm still here and had expected to be long gone by now working from home with a toddler walking around is sinking in. I've sort of been living life on hold in some ways... only moving forward one month at a time and only seeing myself as Minname trying to get pregnant instead of Minname, wife, daughter, business woman, sister and friend.

That's as far as I got. It just sort of poured out of me but I couldn't send it... it felt a little selfish as she was waiting for her bean to arrive to draw attention to myself in some way and that's just not me.

Preparations towards leaving my job are going well. I actually made my savings goal and then since I still have a couple months to go I socked a bunch of it against credit card debts in an effort to bring our debt ratio down and also bring up the credit score (always a work in progress of course but hoping for the best come October). So I'm back to saving up again but still the account is padded and staying that way... that feels pretty damn good!

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

CD 28 - 7 DPO

For some reason my mind kept wandering to home pregnancy tests yesterday and trying to visualize what it would look like to take that elusive HPT and get a positive result... it just feels like such an unattainable thing at times, most of the time... as though how is it possible that this could happen to us, for us...

It's feels like winning the lottery... maybe you play but still hold out little hope that you could win that big jackpot. getting pregnant just seems so foreign... like a lottery that I couldn't possibly hope to win or a place I can't see, or ever hope to visit. In this journey of TTC there have been more and more people around me now more then ever getting pregnant, announcing their good news, hearing about so and so is now pregnant too... and then you realize that you've been trying much longer then so and so and now she and her husband are almost at the end, waiting for their little one to arrive. Foreign!

I can picture what we'll be like as parents, the excitement of waiting for them to arrive, watching my belly grow, sharing the news with family & friends, I can picture walks along the waterfront with stroller or sling, weekends with my dad and step mom, the shock of sleepless nights, walking to the nursery to check on our sweet pea, tears, diaper changes, my sweet husband and baby fast asleep on the couch, I can see so much of what having a child will probably be for us but I can't get my mind wrapped around the actual HPT giving me a positive. I can picture it all except that leap from not pregnant to pregnant is too far for me to jump.

What is wrong with me?

Catching up on so many blogs I read via my google reader and there have been a number of mentions about Mother's Day and of course not so happy Mother's Day posts from those who are struggling with infertility.... so I ask myself... what is wrong with me?

Yesterday was just another day. I called my mom and when I called to wish my step mom a Happy Mother's Day too my dad commented on how great I sounded. At which time I teased him... "as compared to what exactly dad?" lol laughs all around hahaha... was it just because we weren't with family for the day?

Maybe it's just our lifestyle at the moment... we don't have a pile of friends who we see regularly or talk to regularly with babies or babies on the way... the one couple we do see now and then is my ND and her husband and their little man and well..... I enjoy my time with them... they TTC'ed for 2 years, so I know she gets it.

I've noticed that the moments of shear agony and upset over a pregnancy announcement are few and far between... a good cry, a day or two of feeling down and I'm good to go again.

I can't compare myself to any of these women online or in my own life. I feel excited for them to have become moms. I continue my photography work with expectant moms and newborns and I'm excited to share a small moment in time with them. My saturday was spent with 4 generations of women. A photo shoot, a 13 day old newborn little girl, her mom, grandmother and great grandmother and during our little breaks to comfort baby I just kind of sat in awe of them... feeling lucky to be a part of their day and watching them soak up all the newborn baby love.

Someone asked me once how I can do that.... photography of expectant moms and babies when we don't have a child to call our own yet.... and at the time I just answered because I love it.... but the question sat with me and well.... These women and children and families all around me are great and wonderful and it is their experience, their little one... not mine! I know that our day is coming and I know maybe this isn't what I anticipated but somehow I'm not entirely surprised by it either... my husband and I have both had our share of obstacles both in our single lives and together and we've overcome them... this obstacle will be no different.

Perhaps my tune will change if this journey to becoming a mom takes more and more time but for now I'm okay... I'm walking this journey and I'm learning so much about myself and I trust that this chapter will come to an end and we'll start another chapter as new parents to our own child.

flippin' n floppin'

I can hold up so much hope that this month I will have the best possible birthday gift... and then in the blink of an eye I struggle to not pick up the phone to schedule an appointment with the doctors office. My mood will dive so low its as if I already know that I will get my period this month and we where unsuccessful. But I have to hope and pray that this is it... if we conceived this month we'd have a new year baby and on top of my birthday coming up and the though of having a baby before 2010 just feels so exciting.

It's that 2 weeks of waiting... the am I or am I not? The praying please, oh please let it finally be time... with each month we want a child to call our own more and more. Trying to find distraction in each day to keep my mind occupied but feeling too paralyzed with fear of mourning another month without a baby, a first pregnancy to celebrate, that I just want to curl up and sleep, to not do anything.

I know I've probably said it a millions times in my head, a hundred times right here... but I think this month if we are not successful I will make the appointment.. even if its for as far away as June or later... I just need to start some kind of testing for myself and that 1 all important test for my DH so we might get some answers... I'm so regular, I know I'm ovulating... is it just my mind that keeps getting in my way?

Can you imagine if all this time I've just had a couple of blocked tubes that needed to be cleaned up? I hope it is something this simple, something 'fixable' if you will.

For my 31st birthday I'll be treating myself to either an ov watch or a couple of bella bands.

And tonight even though I ssssooooooooo do NOT want to go to yoga, I will go, just for the chance to have someone reminding me to breath.

Its been a pretty great month so far considering some of the outside pressures of job security, money spending, holidays, family expectations etc.

We are both hoping for a very special Christmas gift from Santa this year... but we're at a pretty good place in that if we don't get that BFP we'll be okay.

I saw my naturopath again last week (she's back in the office about 10 hours a week and her little guy is now 7 weeks on Monday) and she said two things that really stood out in a matter of 30 minutes (the length of our session)

I was talking to her about family just not getting or seeming to be sympathetic to what we're going through and she can totally identify with me as it took her and her DH 2 years to conceive. but what she said was you're morning the loss of a child every month, an unborn child every single month and I never looked at it from that perspective before... of course with every period came a short period of tears, frustration, feelings of failure, disappointment and fear...... every month morning the loss of the child we want so very very much. WOW!

The other thing she said is if we haven't conceived by spring we'll take the next step... next step consists of some fertility monitoring with fertility clinic in our small town (which I'm told some of her other patients have had great success and experienced excellent bedside manner). The words charting, tests and ultrasounds came up and of course have DH tested to which I had my own questions answered about just how that takes place (not what the movies/tv would have you think which was a big relief and something I know DH won't have a problem with). I feel good about where we're at in the TTC journey and our relationship and our renewed excitement... DH has taken the bull by the horns lol and we're having more fun baby dancing then we have in a while *blushing* so like I said we're in a great place.

Something else I've been visualizing is what Christy said about having a bouncing baby with us next holiday season at all these family gatherings that have proven to add to the bag of stresses then been a place of comfort and acceptance. We are growing stronger and stronger as a couple and as a growing family.

an emotional mess....that's what I am today (i started that post on Tuesday)

I was just an mess on Tuesday... I couldn't stop crying for the better part of the morning and of course I was at work and couldn't just go home because of a big meeting scheduled for the afternoon.

what was wrong? everything... of course!

- no success this month with TTC
- stress of christmas and money spending
- a 4th person was laid off at DH workplace, DH still has a job but the stress + period + no baby just was too much
- my dad giving me a hard time about bowing out of the family gathering on my step mom's side on the 13th (reason more money as they sprung a gift exchange into the mix + we'd be responsible for bring 2 dishes to the potluck + the 2.5 hr drive + no one bothered to answer my question about whether or not we could bring our dog until a week later)
- stress of TTC next month cause if we do, baby would arrive in late August and my sister finally set the date for her wedding... yeah... Sept. 5th. We have been trying for too long now to stop for a couple months with the idea of being at her wedding. Yes of course I want to be there (suppose to be in the wedding party) but I can't stop living my life and TTC when the wedding is just under 1 year away... even if we did wait till March to start trying again I could still miss the wedding due to bed rest or complications or doctors orders to not travel (wedding is in NB).... so we are trying agian in December.. because we both want to get this show on the road. lol

yeah so this week started off with an awful yucky loud bang but luckily we got through it, are getting through it... looking after ourselves and trying not to worry so much about what everyone else things or feels... sometimes you just have to put yourself first, okay all the time but its ten thousand times harder this time of year :-(

my naturopath had her baby!!!! a baby boy who they've named Patrick!

I just received an email from the doctor that's filling in for her at her clinic and I had to read it over and over to take it all in. The baby was born Monday night at 9pm and she is being discharged tomorrow. I got all the details of her room etc and that she would really like to see me if I can come up before she is discharged tomorrow.

I'm smiling and giddy not only because he is finally here but that I feel like our friendship is kinda coming together. We have had the odd get together with our husbands (+dogs too) and they tried for 2 years before conceiving and I just feel really honoured that she'd want me to come up and visit.

I'm going to pop in after work... I don't have a gift or anything and have no idea if there is something I should pick up?!!! I figure that can come later besides that would just be one more thing for them to bring home.

Oh I'm just so excited!!!!