Tuesday, March 30

Daytona Tuesday

My Easter puppy. This was taken our first Easter with Daytona and his big ears where flip flopping everywhere!

Happy Easter Everyone!

Tuesday, March 23

Daytona Tuesday

This is generally where you'll find Daytona after my husband has gotten out of bed. Daytona and I REALLY really like our sleep time. Isn't he freakin' cute?!

Monday, March 22

oh fuck

I just got a call... you know from the gf you haven't heard from in years but you use to share everything and she was your bff once upon a time and you did absolutely everything together and all you needed to decide friday after school was who's house you'd spend the weekend at.... but one day after a whole bunch of days that turned into months and years you hardly know what brought you together to begin with and the only time she calls is to share news.

I guess I knew it was coming... I knew that eventually it would probably be time for them to start their family. But I can't help but wonder why she called me... why she'd feel the need to share it with me when so much distance, so much of our lives have been on paths thousand of miles away emotionally. I'd probably do the same thing, she's 5 months, wanted to tell me for awhile but life gets in the way but she wanted me to know before he arrived.. a boy, due July. And then it takes all my strength to talk sweetly and excitedly and ask questions and to share. But I can't share everything, I can't rain on her parade. After all it's really always been about her... it's why we've drifted apart, I grew too tired to keep shining the light on her and her life.

I want to tell her how much I'm hurting. Confide in her what I've actual had to endure while she wasn't even thinking about babies and getting pregnant but what would be the point. Another milestone in our lives that she can probably never appreciate or know how to acknowledge what is my life and my reality. How can I expect her to do it today when she hasn't been able to do it since our friendship started 24 years ago.

'I'm on the right'
Off to our first high school Christmas formal
we both had dates but this shot was just for the two of us
Gr. 10 - 1993

I'm sorry, it wasn't all bad... we shared so much and I guess I just wish she was one of those friends I could count on today but she's not. So tonight I'm reminded of just how grateful I am for all of you and for the handful of friends I have in my life today that would do all those things you hope a best friend would do. And I'll wait to send the email to tell her how painful it has been to wait so long to become a mom but rest assured I will tell her someday.. I'll tell her when I call to share my own news...

just waiting...

waiting for AF to show up and we can get this IUI show on the road...

although I have to admit that a tiny part of me would love to tell the story of how we where just about to do IUI and only BD'ed once before I left to visit my sister and meet my nephew and BAM we got pregnant... wouldn't that just be a great story?! Too bad the likelihood of that happening are pretty freakin' slim.

on CD 21 so I think AF should be here in another week or so and then it's hello Wandy! lol

Tuesday, March 16

Daytona Tuesday

Since I'm here visiting my sister I figured I'd include their pup instead of Daytona this week.

His name is Henry and he's only 8 months but he's a solid stubborn typical golden retreiver of 65 lbs so far. lol try moving that when he decides he doesn't want to get off the bed or couch.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, March 14

My little sister is a mom

I am in awe of my little sister and how great she is doing. I think she may have found her grounded-ness in motherhood.

I can't really explain it but watching her earlier today with him I completely see myself, the mother I expect I would / will be and I've always thought of us as such opposites but the gap is smaller today then I could ever have imagined.

I promise to share some of my professional photos later this week.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Friday, March 12


So far so good and I haven't even left Ontario yet!

It's yuck rain down here today but when I arrived at economy park n fly I was told it was full but here's a free upgrade for VALET... thank you very much park n fly!

As I was getting closer and closer to Toronto it is starting to hit me that there really is this new little person that I just can't wait to meet. That I'm actually finally on my way and the 7/8 week wait for this day is in it's final hours. Tonight it'll be TO to Ottawa and Ottawa to Halifax to be greeted by my friend and practiacally big sister before we set out on a road trip for Freder.icton tomorrow. It's going to be a great trip... probably to fast and sorta busy but will feel better then just a couple days off.

Waited for the doctor yesterday for 80 minutes. He delivered twins that afternoon so he was running behind schedule. Every woman in that place was pregnant (even the nurse practitioner following him around) but I did great.

He was very encouraging that IUI would be the way to go and I'm feeling excited and more confident that 2010 really does hold so much hope for us to finally be able to let the world know it's our turn and we're gonna have a baby!!

Happy weekend everyone! And thank you for reminding me to turn to Twitter and this blog when I might need you most this weekend. Just knowing there are people out there that get how difficult this could makes it a thousand times easier :-)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, March 10

i think i'm ok

...my husband is more then a little worried about me going to visit my little sister and meet my new and one and only nephew. He has every right to be worried as it's been him who's had to pick me up off the floor on those absolutely awful days when someone else's news of a baby has left me a sobbing puddle of tears. Not that it's happened a lot but when if you're been reading for a while you know that I cut my sister off for awhile... deleted her from my FB friends list and hadn't talked to her in a handful of months.

I can't say I'm 100% sure I will get through this without shedding a tear but I hope it will be more happy tears then sad. Having my "practically" big sister there will also help ease me into this visit as she'll be with me the first couple of days and then it'll be 1.5 days and I'll be back on a plane for home. And when it's photo shoot time for the pictures that will include all three of them together I'm pretty confident my artists/photo business side will click in and take over the session.

I wish I had a refuge to escape if I need to but I don't really have anyone in the area I could call on for help in order to slip away from it all. So I must keep my head above water and stay positive that this trip will be better then I could expect and I will survive it all.

3 more sleeps!

Tuesday, March 9

Daytona Tuesday

Daytona does an excellent job of keeping our floors clean of any pieces of food that might fall from the counters. Here he is Thanksgiving '09 watching my MIL clean off the bird for turkey soup. Look at that poise! Do you think it's possible his staring could burn a hole into something?! LOL Every now and then he'll adjust his sit and move a little just to make sure you know he's still there... in case you can't actually feel his stare.

doctor on Thursday now...

I'm feeling a little "why the hell am I going?" now that I've finally spoken to the fertility clinic and they told me not to worry... no clomid this month and again next is fine. We'll be giving an IUI a go + clomid in April so back to see Wandy I go! great.

So is there anything I should be asking the doctor about? Maybe some other tests we might run in the meantime? Hoping to get some feedback on our possible success with IUI... I know he can't get my hopes up be considering what we know now I guess I'd just like some comfort in knowing this is the best root for us to go with next.

Acupuncture tonight and tomorrow to see if we can make ovulation happen right around or before CD 11 when I leave for NB and won't be home until CD 15... not great timing on my part for this trip but whatever... it is what it is. Maybe I'm suppose to get knocked up in April and it's my birthday gift! An infertile girl can hope right?!

Thursday, March 4

no doctor today

just got a call and his receptionist asked to reschedule me... so now I'm suppose to see him tomorrow at 9:30am...

so ladies... does it matter if I just don't take clomid this cycle? I'm not going to be home for the window of opportunity anyways so will it matter if a skip this month instead of the prescribed doctors order of having to skip it after taking it for 3 months.. I'd be skipping it after 2 months.

does it matter?

Wednesday, March 3

99 things

Instructions: The post is a list of 99 things you could have done, and you are supposed to bold the ones that you yourself have done.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to DisneyWorld
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book (had a poem published in a book)
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House (drove by it when I was 12)
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life (i don't remember what I did but I have a very clear memory of a Dad thanking me for saving his son's life)
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Tuesday, March 2

my head hurts...

Today I'd like to just shut down and crawl back under the covers and wait to start over again tomorrow.

AF arrived this morning... had some spotting pretty much all day yesterday and when she's been showing up so regularly when of course I'd rather she didn't I can't help but throw my arms in the air... "figures" ... I mean really what else should I expect?

So Dr. appointment on CD 3 and thankfully just the right timing because I don't want to do clomid in March... because of course when I'm away in less then a couple weeks it's also baby making time and yeah my DH isn't coming with me. So let's just fast forward to April.. I'm hoping April will hold an IUI + clomid so we can get this parenthood show on the road.

And I know it shouldn't matter but any infertile will sympathize... this means no baby in 2010 for us.

Daytona Tuesday

Love my iPhone... it's the only way to catch him like this because if I where to move off the couch he'd be UP and ready to GO! lol

- Taken Summer 2008