Thursday, April 30

he's coming too

my DH is coming with me to my appointment tomorrow... the whole tug of too much pressure vs. just back off has been a tricky balance at times for us so I didn't want to force him but hoped like hell that he'd come with me. If anything just for fear that some tests that could be done wouldn't be done until we/he had completed the SA test. So we'll see what tomorrow brings.

I'm optimistic and hopeful. Nervous that he might just tell me to loose weight but know that I have done what I can to keep myself healthy with my naturopaths guidance, its a work in progress... maybe I have thyroid issues?... time will tell. I trust our family doctor very much. We haven't spent a ton of time in his office but his reputation in our town is very good. He's also a friend of our chiropractor's and he even commented on how lucky we where to get in with him. And when my DH hurt his knee we saw the chiropractor before we got in to see the doctor. Chiro wrote down what he thought it was and told DH give the doc his diagnosis after he made his... doc said... yeah he was write but it doesn't make him any better of a hockey player. lol

I have a cold/flu thing happening. Spent yesterday in bed... ALL day. Back to work today but just feeling ick. All my joints hurt... all of them and I'm sneezing lots, bit of a fever etc.

Tuesday, April 28

I can feel it....

... feel the start of a cold coming on. Now here's the thing I've felt this way a few times this winter but have managed to shake it off. Lots of green tea, a book and my bed are calling my name tonight.

Thursday, April 23

Happy Birthday to ME!

31, oh crap 31!

For some reason this number is a big deal, its another year under my belt sans baby.

(I just read my post last year.. love keeping a blog and I was definatly excited about the big 3-0 and no mention of babies. interesting)

I hope that in a few short months I will have answers as to why we haven't conceived yet and what we can do or need to do to change that... I hope with all my heart that by my 32nd birthday I will be watching my belly grow or taking on those early months of becoming a new parent.

I hope that my business will be thriving as I work to build my brand and my customer base and if somehow I found myself no longer working at this place I rely on for my full-time income I'd be quite pleasantly surprized as I've relied too much recently on this idea of leaving here via a mat leave.

This year will be another extended long weekend at the lakehouse/cottage and instead of my sister visiting it will be my Nanny. I think I will watch Juno again this weekend (haven't watched it in such a long time) and some other chic flicks of sorts, head out on the dune buggie and rip through some puddles, learn how to use the chainsaw so I can make some extra trails and relax.

So far today I've received these beautiful roses from my most awesome friend in Halifax who I've known just shy of 20 years!!! Crazy!! Love her so much.

And one of the girls from work made me this yummy tolberone cheesecake which we ate with plastic knifes as there where no forks or spoons left in the office kitchen LOL... holy crap it was good, but my tummy is acking now :-( Can't wait to get out of this office chair for the day!!!

Another look

So here where the hopes I've kept posted to the right of my blog here.

I thought it might be a good time to reevaluate where I'm at now that its almost May.

... for a wonderful round belly in 2009 and a happy healthy baby to follow
- my instinct is to type FAIL here but I know that wouldn't be right. No baby in 2009 so onto the next step so we can make sure we have a baby to hold in our very own arms before the end of 2010.

... to make a daily walk with Daytona just part of my routine
- just bad, bad, bad... we have been on a handful of walks recently. but with spring finally in full swing it's time to really push this one and get out there... good for both of us.

... to arrive to work on time, make that before 8:30 not at 8:30
- surprisingly good at this, although I had a short laps for awhile and was late this morning but whatever.. it's my birthday and I'm suffering from some serious cramps.

... to put all my small business funds into paying down our debts and then tucking it away for new photography equipment
- I've been putting a lot of what does come in into advertising, networking efforts, not print that just doesn't work for my small biz but more photography in other locations and a gift card program started as well.

... to continue planning our weekly dinners/lunches, shopping with a list for the week ahead and eating dinner at the table with my most awesome husband
awesome, awesome, awesome!!!! we're so good at this. And my sweet husband usually prepares the list Sunday morning while I get to sleep in then we do the grocery shopping and then I come home to make a nice breakfast.

... to omit procrastination from my vocabulary
FAIL - the book is still sitting on my bookshelf in my office.... :-( LOL

Tuesday, April 21

oh there you are...

...I was beginning to think you weren't going to show this month... hoping might be a better word, but of course true to form, here you are. At least you didn't spoil my birthday.

As soon as I hit 'publish post' (and the person on the other side of my cubicle wall goes to lunch) I'm calling the doc.

I'm okay... I thought it would be hard this month but I think making the decision to seek out the doctors help this month is easing the "mourning" process if you will. And of course I have my birthday to look forward to. As I mentioned before I'm hoping for some birthday money so I can buy an ov watch but part of me is thinking of holding off a little until I see the doc would better.

To recap... I have a regular 28-30 day cycle, every month.... Feb. '08 was the last time I had an odd cycle of 42 days and got a couple of BFN.

I don't know why but I feel as though because I'm so regular, know I ovulate (positive OPKs), maybe my tubes are blocked? I have pretty bad cramping every month but with ibuprofen and my heating pad on my back I'm generally good to go. This month I took 2 OPK and the first one was dead on, CD 17... I knew it would be positive, the second I took a.m. on CD 18 and it was strong but not the bright line I had CD 17.

A list of all the things I have tried to date (*things I still do regularly):
- reflexology
- saliva scope
*- I track my cycles on fertility friend
*- OPK
*- CM tracking
*- chiropractor (always have always will, love our chiro!)
*- naturopathic doc
- TCM (6 months)
- then took a break from that and tried Fertil Aid (5 months)
- BD over third day, or every other day through "window" this month considering BD twice a week all month long
- fertility yoga
*- since April 1 taking yoga twice a week at a local yoga studio
*- acupuncture
after BDing I stay on my back, rolled up beach towel under my hips, knees bent, min. 20 minutes as was suggested by my reflexologist.

We started TTC Sept. 2007 but have taken 2 breaks in there of a couple months off at a time.

I just have to shake my head sometimes and wonder if I will EVER have the thrill and excitement of seeing a positive on those pregnancy test pee strips. I know I will be a mom someday, I feel like one already in some ways (I know it might seem silly but we refer to each other as mom and dad when talking to the dog... "go see daddy!" - yes I know we are one of those crazy dog loving couples, but thank god for him as he puts a smile on our faces everyday... unconditional love and puppy dog eyes are the best).

Anyways it's after 1:30, doc's receptionists should be back at the phone in just minutes!

Appointment booked: May 1 first thing in the morning! *big sigh* that feels like a load off already

Tuesday, April 14

flippin' n floppin'

I can hold up so much hope that this month I will have the best possible birthday gift... and then in the blink of an eye I struggle to not pick up the phone to schedule an appointment with the doctors office. My mood will dive so low its as if I already know that I will get my period this month and we where unsuccessful. But I have to hope and pray that this is it... if we conceived this month we'd have a new year baby and on top of my birthday coming up and the though of having a baby before 2010 just feels so exciting.

It's that 2 weeks of waiting... the am I or am I not? The praying please, oh please let it finally be time... with each month we want a child to call our own more and more. Trying to find distraction in each day to keep my mind occupied but feeling too paralyzed with fear of mourning another month without a baby, a first pregnancy to celebrate, that I just want to curl up and sleep, to not do anything.

I know I've probably said it a millions times in my head, a hundred times right here... but I think this month if we are not successful I will make the appointment.. even if its for as far away as June or later... I just need to start some kind of testing for myself and that 1 all important test for my DH so we might get some answers... I'm so regular, I know I'm ovulating... is it just my mind that keeps getting in my way?

Can you imagine if all this time I've just had a couple of blocked tubes that needed to be cleaned up? I hope it is something this simple, something 'fixable' if you will.

For my 31st birthday I'll be treating myself to either an ov watch or a couple of bella bands.

And tonight even though I ssssooooooooo do NOT want to go to yoga, I will go, just for the chance to have someone reminding me to breath.

Tuesday, April 7


I was late this morning due to weather... AGAIN and it just makes me realize how much I really don't want to be at this job.... I was called into the office by my boss shortly after I got here and right away I said sorry I was stuck behind the blows on the highway... well that wasn't good enough... the response went something like "well we start here at 8:30 and you where late yesterday too"... it wasn't the main reason she called me in... she wanted to see if there was anything else for this big meeting that she needed to take over to the other building blah blah blah.... no there wasn't I made sure everything was done and ready for her and everyone elses presentations that they put in my lap yesterday was DONE before I went home.

okay people here's the thing... I'm on SALARY! Yes I'm here from 8;30 to 4:30pm but if I stay late to complete something... that time that I've given isn't recognized or considered when I'm 15 minutes late the next day... just really set my morning off on the wrong foot. I thought I was doing pretty good at handling my job that I don't love and just smiling at boss lady and agreeing and getting all the stuff done and managed but I think I was wrong... what if I can't get pregnant because of this job... because of the stress I feel working here, and the stress of not being able to find a different job.

It's not a good time to be looking for a job... I keep thinking that I don't want to be the newest person on the hire list in case I would end up being the first to be let go. Just to hang on to this job until we do get pregnant so I can take my mat leave and run... run as fast as I can back to full-time self-employment with the cushion of mat leave to work at building things up again. But what if this job is keeping me from that dream... what if even if I get pregnant this job puts so much stress on me that something goes terribly wrong.... this is how my mind works... I need to get out of me head!

Today I just feel so stuck.

Thursday, April 2

last chance for '09

so this month the window is looming and I'm feeling optimistic... if we where to conceive this month I'd be looking for that BFP on my 31st birthday... yeah I know... its going to be hard not to get my hopes up AND a Christmas delivery. This is the last chance for a 2009 baby.

Turning 30 wasn't such a big deal but I worry what my 31st birthday and no baby news would send me into a tail spin if I'm not careful. As my husband has said... he's not done trying yet. So I will keep on going and if we aren't lucky this month I'm going to buy an ov watch with birthday money. And then we'll see how many months without a positive I can stand before I put my foot down and go to the doctor to get some testing started. My naturopath has been so supportive as she and her husband tried for two years as well. We'll hit the 2 year mark this September.

I flip flop on getting the testing started just about every other day. Part of me is really afraid I will need some kind of lap surgery or tube "blow out" to get pregnant... and I'm not sure where that comes from since my own mother didn't have any issues conceiving. Then there is the side of me that says no don't call the doctor yet... they're just going to tell you to loose weight. I don't know how I've come to associate my ability to conceive with my weight... I guess other then my husband I don't have anyone in my family that gets what I'm going through. Then I have been encouraged by some to just gets started with the testing sooner then later... but here's the thing... going down the infertility treatment road is expensive and right now there is no room in the budget for these types of treatments... so maybe I'm avoiding the fertility dr's because I really don't want to know just yet that we are going to need there help.

oh geessssss I'm a bit of mess today I guess, rambling away. Just in my head at least... otherwise I've been feeling pretty good overall.

off to yoga tonight, massage on saturday and acupuncture next week.