Tuesday, December 15

Daytona Tuesday

This was the picture that captured my heart almost 3 years ago. How cute is he?!

We adopted Daytona from the humaine society 3 years ago come March 2010. We think he got the name Daytona because he was probably being processed into the adoption system just around Daytona 500 time. He was found abandoned on the streets of Kitchener in January!

Tuesday, December 8

Family Recipe - Arrowroot Cookie Squares

Fertility Chick and I where discussing holiday baking via twitter not too long ago and I promised to share this family favorite recipe.


Arrowroot Cookie Squares

Crumble 30 arrowroot cookies into a bowl and 1/2 cup of walnuts

Sauce: (cook until thick)

2 eggs
4 tbsp. cocoa (good heaping sizes)
1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 cup margarine
salt
vanilla
a little dissolved instant coffee

Add above sauce to cookies & walnuts, mix well and pat into pan (9x13) and then chill

**** If making a doubled batch use 44 cookies (NOT 60)

Let stand in fridge for a few hours and then ice with coffee icing


You'll want to cut these squares small as they hold a powerful punch of sugar but are oh so good!

Enjoy! :-)

Daytona Tuesday

Happy Holiday Planning!

Daytona again at my dad and step mom's place... this was taken December 2008. The ear is up only because the wind put it there. LOL

Thursday, December 3

Yeti Daycare


Yeti Daycare
Originally uploaded by Back in the Pack
I just love this guys sense of humor... I think most dog owners have a great sense of humor overall anyways but I couldn't resist this image and had to share it with you. I only wish he was here in our city so we could send Daytona to his daycare.

Wednesday, December 2

holiday shopping

I think (and I'm almost afraid to say it)... but I think I'm almost done!

Just a few more gift cards to pick up and then it's all about the framing, wrapping and mailing. What a relief... have you ever noticed that sometimes in life you take control of the easiest things that can be crossed off the list of TO DOs? I think that's why I've managed to get this all out of the way so quickly. I have control over it... well as much as my pay cheque will allow anyways.

Now if I could just dive into all the other things I need to do with such determination.

As for the 2 week wait I'm feeling full of hope. can't go wrong with 5 rounds of BD'ing AND a cycle monitoring.. well I'm sure you could go wrong but I'm still hoping we get our Christmas wish!

I hate to be the barer of bad news but only 23 sleeps left till Christmas! YIKES!!!

Tuesday, December 1

BD'ing

does anyone else find the BD'ing is limited to the "window" most of the time?! LOL We can't be the only ones that spend that 2 week wait and then some in "recovery, catch up on sleep, is it time to start again" mode...?

Tell me I'm not alone!

Daytona Tuesday


My brother Brandy (yes the dog) on the left, DH and Daytona. This was taken at my dad and step mom's place just outside Hanover... we LOVE spending time there and Daytona probably loves it just a little bit more since he gets to run around all day long exploring. Thankfully he never goes very far but we get to run him hard when we rip around the 36 acres on the 4-wheeler. It's the only time we seem to be able to actually completely exhaust him and he'll climb the stairs to our room and to bed before anyone else. LOL

So much fun!

Monday, November 30

ovulated...

... I think... based on the cycle monitoring and the pains I had on my left side on Saturday night... kind of a cramp but more like muscle tiredness... that I did ovulate. That makes ovulation CD 21 - which based on the ov watch's predicted CD 18 is a little off so for now I'm taking some comfort in the fact that maybe we just keep on missing the perfect window of opportunity?! Maybe?

So let the 2 ww begin! I have a pretty packed schedule so hopefully it flies by (not to mention christmas and all the prep that goes with that.. OMG I feel tired already!)

Back to work!

Friday, November 27

CD 20 - 6th visit w/Wandy - 21mm!!!

OMG finally... 21mm!!!

I strongly believe that the acupuncture from Tuesday got things moving at a much better rate. Had I kept on growing at 1 mm (or less) a day I'd only be at 18mm... I'll take needles over early morning bloodwork and ultrasounds any day.

If we don't get our BFP this month I'll be up'ing the acupuncture treatments for sure!

As you can see from my chart... the BD has been in full effect.. my poor husband is tired, we both are, but want this too much to risk not having sex every other day at this point.... You can also see on my chart that based on the ov watch I obviously have not ovulated on CD 18 as it predicted. So if you are using the ov watch (in my opinion)... keep on BD'ing for a 4-5 day period after you get the "O" day. I'm still going to keep using the ov watch because I do like that it gives us a starting point... let's us know the window is opening.


Just got an email from my ND... she can fit me in for acupuncture at 11:30am.. a try to bust the follicle session! Her words not mine but I like the way she thinks. I'm feeling very lucky to have an ND for a friend and that her office is a 2 minute drive from my workplace.

I'm hoping just maybe, finally I'll get the best Christmas wish of all TIME!

Happy Friday everyone!!! And Happy Thanksgiving to those of you in the USA! I so wish I was brave enough to shop a black Friday... maybe someday :-)

Wednesday, November 25

brother in law update

Sunday we spend the day with my BIL, his fiance, and my in-laws... it was kinda nice to be together again without so much time between visits. My DH looked after getting all the winter tires on their 2 cars as BIL isn't able to do it and also had a look at the starter that's acting up on one of the cars too.

They now have a diagnosis of hodgkins-lymphoma but are still waiting on the stage and "number" after more tests to follow this week. With possible chemo starting in the next 1 to 2 weeks. Doctors believe the mass on his lungs has been growing for the last 6-7 months making this obviously an aggressive cancer and prompting them to take action and not letting them wait till after the holidays to start treatment. Bone marrow test was monday and I have no idea if they have the results yet but his fiance said it went well... and then he had the gallium injection yesterday, another appointment thrusday and scan is Friday.

It was nice to see my MIL open up a little bit about her feelings of quilt and wonder if this is her fault but she did go on to say she knows it isn't and she also knows this fight will be a private personal battle for her son. She is just so disconnected from her boys and their lives... I don't believe she really knows them, what interests them or how they feel about their parents. She just doesn't take the time to listen and ask questions.

CD 18 - 5th visit w/Wandy - 16mm

only 16mm (was 15mm monday)... back again friday... I'm so tired! My lining is good (think it was 14) but of course if that gets too thick then no implantation.

oh and I got the "new u/s girl" who though my hole should be a little further left and then PUSHED! She says... "is that okay?"

me: "Ah NO you aren't even in the hole" and then I put it where it needed to go... WTF!

so who knows maybe if the other tech had done it my measurement would have been 17 and not 16

RN said... classic PCOS at this point based on the numbers... I'm thinking clomid next month but waiting for head RN for the clinic to review and see what she might suggest at this point if AF shows... she's away at the moment

fasting blood work will happen CD 3-5 on my next cycle.

I'm feeling completely defeated... all this time slow poke follicles... and maybe missing the window even more... today the ov watch says it's ovulation day... AH NO!

so many needles in my tummy yesterday for acupuncture so maybe we'll see a growth spurt come Friday but it certainly hasn't been happening in the last couple of days.

Tuesday, November 24

Daytona Tuesday


This was taken on a scuba dive night. My DH just started this summer and here we have Daytona looking as though he's feeling rather left out as he watches the divers making their way back on to shore.

I'm likely telling him "no you can't swim out there... he's coming back just wait!"

Monday, November 23

another Monday

another Monday another visit with Wandy.

So far bitchy boss lady is keeping to herself and not bugging me. I've gone back to Jan. 1, 09 and actually made note of all the days I was late or stayed later and turns out that the company as it stands right now owes me 6.59 hours. So I'm breathing a sign of relief that I've got that to fall back on. Also have the doctor's note after my appointment Thursday which I'll be keeping to myself until boss lady tried to call that meeting she's threatened me with. Doc felt so bad for me he didn't even charge me for the note! And said... "she could get into a LOT of trouble for doing that... a LOT of trouble!"

So as of today the plan of action is this:

- Continue with cycle monitoring this month (today is CD 16, dominant follicle on left side is at 15mm... so it's poking along slowly... and we'll continue with the BDing every 36-48 hours as suggested for the IF clinic. Looks like I'll be back to see Wandy Wednesday and Friday at this rate.

- If AF shows her ugly head again then I'll be off to the lab for a full blood work... work up between CD 3-5 to check hormone levels etc... in search of PCOS... am I or am I not. I'm honestly so confused by this PCOS stuff because I'm kind on the boarder of the "classic symptoms" and I do have what I believe to be a pretty regular cycle. What does have me kinda excited about this possible diagnosis is that if it is PCOS and I start with a small dose of metformin if could help regulate my body enough to get some weight to start falling off. As hard as I've tried in the past this has always been a huge struggle for me. I can be the most consistent eater and exerciser but still might only loose a couple pounds in 2-3months. Seriously! How disappointing is that?! Doesn't make for a great sense of accomplishment too keep up healthier habits when the scale doesn't give you any love.

- So if metformin is the next step (and whatever else this cycle monitoring shows us) then we're thinking we'll leave the IUIs for Spring/Summer. My husband's job can be a little touch and go during the winter months (marine technician) so we just have to be careful with our money during the winter months. I'm sure if we aren't pregnant come spring we'll be chomping at the bit to get in for an IUI attempt! We are also saving and hoping to take a trip somewhere warm in March or April since we have yet to take a real "go far away" honeymoon.

- Back to the Dr. on Dec. 17th to discuss the PCOS blood work results... if AF shows. yadda yadda yadda... you know the drill

I feel good to still be moving forward with some kind of plan... if this happens we do this or try this or this is the next test we need to complete... or should I say I, I, I?!

I've been keeping up with the kick my ass yoga classes and we're still planning our meals every Sunday for the week ahead (thanks to my husband... he's so good to me). But I do feel sometimes like I'm spinning in circles. working full-time and running my small business can take it's toll... I have a few things I really just wish I could focus on for a full 8 hours at a time and I'd be good as gold and the pressure would lift... but I haven't been able to find my "get shit done and cross it off the list" mojo since all that crap last Monday/Tuesday with the bitchy boss lady. So even though I know her actions are not within my control and I've cried over it and moved on it's still lingering because I'm on pins and needles waiting for the other foot to drop and her to call me into her office for that "meeting with you to discuss the reason for these appointments"... I kinda know she's usually all talk but it's still getting in my way and keeping me from doing the things I need to do. Really hoping I can shake that this week.

Monday, November 16

upset and so frustrated

I just emailed some of my gf who I've leaned on through this TTC crap and so thought it best just to do a cut and paste so I can also share with you what is going on

last week I took an opportunity to tell my boss that I have medical testing happening that my doctor was sending me for and that I would be late some mornings but still here by 9am or just shortly after.

immediately she asked "for what" and I told her I didn't want to discuss it and then proceeded to tell her about my brother in law and his lymphoma diagnosis and that we had a lot on our plate at the moment and almost started to cry in front of her

this morning I emailed her to just let her and other HR person J (who knows what's going on) that I have testing tomorrow and also doctors appointment at 4pm on Thursday...

then I get this email: (K is the receptionist)

Ok thanks for letting us know.
Please advise K too.

Once you have completed these doctor's appointments, I would like to have a
meeting with you to discuss the reason for these appointments.

Thanks "nossy bitch"

I just spoke to J and she swears on her life that she has not given "nossy bitch" any indication about what is going on. "nossy bitch" actually went to J and asked if she knew what was going on and if she new anything else about my brother in law. She also told J that she was going to have a meeting with me to discuss these appointments... J told her that she was not allowed to do that and that the information was private until I decide to share it. J has not let on that she even knows what's going on.

I'm going to get a doctor's note from "Dr. HSG" Thursday and then tell her again that I'm not comfortable at this time discussing the reason for medical testing.

Basically from what I know now she figures she has a right to know because it is between the hours of 8:30 and 4:30pm when I'm on "her time"... this goes for everyone here I'm not the only one just the only one that I know of trying to get pregnant. Oh and just in case you weren't aware... I'm on fucking SALARY!!!!!

If she keeps pushing I'm going to have to present her with a note from my lawyer

Is it any wonder I'm not pregnant yet when I have this type of person to deal with?!!!!

Friday, November 13

is it procrastination or do a need a break?

I just can't seem to get my shit together this week. Yes I'm making it to work and everything but my productivity is at an all time lowwwww..... Usually I'm really good at getting things crossed of my list but sometimes it just feels like there is so much on it I couldn't possibly get it all done or at the very least put a dent in it. I think that comes from working full-time and trying to keep up with the demands of running my small business... sometimes it's busy and sometimes it isn't. Right now it's busy! I'm grateful! It's allowing me to go on a little shopping holiday with my step mom, step aunt and friend this weekend. But when I get back.. full steam ahead with what is left of the year... there is still time to get photo shoots in and orders to print and books and websites designed and launched... I have to keep on top of these things to keep my clients happy and keep me moving towards the goal of baby... mat leave... and full time self employment again.

I hope you have something planned to help you recharge your batteries as we take on the holiday season. This weekend I'm crossing Christmas shopping off my list :-)

Wednesday, November 11

To the moms (and moms to be) I know and appreciate...

I received this today from my ND and friend... I think it's an awesome read and something that I'm hoping for my own kids.

Paul Harvey Writes:
We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse.For my grandchildren, I'd like better. I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would. I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated. I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car. And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen. It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep. I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in. I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room, but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him. When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him/her. I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely. On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as un-cool as your Mom.

If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one. I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books. When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head. I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy/girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what Ivory soap tastes like. May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.

I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend. I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle. May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.

I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbour's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand. These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life. Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I'm here for you and if I die before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you.


Tuesday, November 10

another cycle - hello wandy

so Af arrived again on Sunday... I'm pretty much over it... no tears or anything waahooo! **high 5's all around** (have you figured out I'm a little sarcastic at times?) but seriously no tears just on with the show.

This month is kinda exciting I think as today I started my first ever cycle monitoring. I meet Wandy. Having experienced such a miserable HSG I wasn't entirely sure this was something I wanted to do but it was easy peasy... the RN even gave me the clip board and told me to write down the numbers so I was completely distracted from her rolling the thing around. Saw my uterus and ovaries... it's all kind of a blur but i remember that the uterus looked good, she measured my ovaries since it was my first time (presume these where ok too) and I have 2 follicals measuring 7mm each (but I couldn't tell you what side? are they suppose to have sides? will be googling that later this afternoon).

I feel somehow empower by the experience. It feels good to have these things coming back normal so long as I don't dwell on the "well why aren't I pregnant part". I'll be back on CD 10 next Tuesday and then those results will determine when I have to go back again. I'm also wearing the ov watch again this month (5th month) and I'm really curious to see how the cycle monitoring and the ov watch results compare. Will the watch get the 'O' day right? We shall see.

Also this month... the first appointment with Dr. HSG who will be my doctor from here on out as far as I know. I call him Dr. HSG cause that's the first time I met him. That's coming up on the 19th (CD 12)

We have a lot on our plates at the moment. My BIL has been diagnosed with Lymphoma (stage to be determined this week). He has 1 very large mass on his chest and one in his groin. Also on the list for the DR. HSG appointment... what tests should my husband be going for as well to make sure there isn't something that's lingering we don't know about. So that's fucking scary. My DH mom had Hodgkin's when the boys where younger but even my DH doesn't remember exactly how old she was. Her mass was on her neck though and she has been in remission for years. BIL is 30 and DH 32. Do any of you have experience in this area? Do you know what screening can be done? Is there only blood work?

I am so worried for my BIL and also his fiance... yes fiance... they just bought their first home together and had a wedding date set for May and now they aren't really sure what to do. I've told her to please lean on me if she needs to. BIL is one of the strong silent types, the whole family doesn't really come together that often and myself and his fiance didn't grow up that way. If something like this where happening to me I would want my family involved. She is hoping once he has the full diagnosis and plan of action in place that he will tell us (yeah we aren't suppose to technically know!!!). My husband worked in patient transfer... he's a volunteer firefighter in our community and he has his emergency response certifications. He has an acute understanding on what chemo and radiation if needed will do to his brother and he's worried... we are all very worried. And somehow living in the middle world before complete diagnosis and treatment starts... but so far doctors are saying it's treatable but I can't help but think they'd all say that at this point in the fight.

I realize life can't stop and we have to keep going 1 day at a time, 1 foot in front of the other and just keep making sure that BIL and future SIL know we are here if they need us.

Friday, November 6

CD 33 - DPO 19

still no AF and is it just me or has time ground to a haul? in some areas of my life time just flies by but right now the TTC still is running by slower then molasses!

*sigh* I guess someday when our little one is taking a nap and I have somehow managed to find the time to brows through old posts I'll laugh at myself for being in such a "rush" but really baby world... how long does a woman have to wait?!

Wednesday, November 4

CD 31 - 16 DPO

so here's where I'm at... still no period but wouldn't necessarily consider myself "late" just yet. I'm pretty regular with a 29-31 day cycle with the odd 34 here and there.

I did test Sunday morning but just used one of my very old tests that I don't entirely trust and it was DPO 13

Everytime my husband and I think about it or I ask him... should I test? We can't make up our minds.... For example last night he asks.. how late where you last time - "42 day cycle" and he says ok... wait till 42 days. There are just so many variables mixed in this month

- crazy long cycle never happens to me of 42 days but still blood test came back BFN
- HSG was done Oct. 8 (maybe that's all I needed was a good clean out to finally get knocked up)
- O day of 15... second month in a row that it's more on par with text book timing
- got really sick last tuesday and just now feeling about 98% better
- no period-ish feelings but maybe that's just because of the HSG?

so what do you think? I'm seriously trying not to think about it and I think part of me likes holding out hope that maybe, just maybe this could finally be it.

to test or not to test? and when???

I refuse to pay anymore for the FF vip stuff or temp because it would be driving
me round the loony bin about now so I've just added the "NF" for my ov watch
results to keep the graph expanding.

Thursday, October 22

trying to keep the stress away

It's CD 18 - 3DPO and the window has closed. For the first time ever I actually had a dream I was pregnant. I could see my belly in front of me, people knew I was pregnant, my husband and I where excited, I was feeling exhausted but we where ready and waiting for baby's arrival.

I can NOT remember ever actually dreaming something along these lines before and it has me feeling hopeful, excited and completely paralyzed with fear if I give it too much thought. I say fear because after the awful HSG experience I am so ready to just please god... finally be able to say "I'm pregnant" Please let this be the month that everything has lined up just right. We've got the HSG working in our favor, an O day of 15, I'm still working out a few times a week, acupuncture.... I'm sure there are others. BUT if this is not our month it will be devastating but I know we'll get through it and the next step is a cycle monitoring (plus an appointment with dr. HSG) so at the very least I know where I'm going next, I will have that to focus on. the disappointment though is that much more painful when your husband is right there beside you holding his breath hoping that finally this is it. I love him so much... he has been so awesome. This cycle I asked my ND what days she suggested for TTC... Sat/Mon/Tues..... Tuesday my husband had to be to work for 6am but he still woke me up for some baby dancing first thing in the morning. LOL we where both so tired but he wasn't letting the opportunity slip away. :-)

So in an effort to keep the two week wait off my mind (yeah right but I'll try) I'll probably disappear again so I'm not thinking about it. I haven't been keeping up with every ones blogs (sorry). Luckily I have lots of photo shoots on my plate for the coming week and a half, meetings, design work and yoga... every night it seems I'm home later and later but I guess that could have something to do with the darkness that's falling earlier and earlier :-( If you can believe it the next weekend that I have nothing scheduled.. nothing to do is Nov 28/29 but somehow I'm sure that'll change soon. LOL

Thursday, October 15

appointment booked

so as per Doctor's suggestion I booked an appointment.

Will be waiting till November 19th but I don't care at this point. I'm excited for a cycle after the HSG knowing that all is clear and looking good and I've decided that if we don't get pregnant this cycle then I will do a cycle monitoring next. If my cycle goes back to her usual 29/31 day routine then by the time I see the doctor I'll be well into my cycle monitoring at about day 16.

Today I got my "Fertile Day 1" from the ov watch and it's day 11 making 'O' day 15!!!

I'm relieved that I haven't taken such a long break from yoga and working out that my 'O' day didn't regress back to it's previous lazy day 21/23 standing. AND if we do succeed this month i won't have to worry about using clomid. *fingers are crossed* I think that if we don't get pregnant in the next 2 cycles I will do a round of clomid... perfect timing to get the script from the doctor too... oh wait.. how much is clomid?

Hopefully the flush out of the HSG will be just what my body needed to clear the way for my husband's lazy sperm. LOL Even he joked the other day that his sperm need a nap on their way there. Maybe they're just shy... thinking of trying that old stand by everyone says.. "just get drunk and do it" this weekend. LOL a little liquid courage.

:-P

Thursday, October 8

my HSG story

okay so let's talk HSG

I seriously did not think my afternoon would go quite the way that it did but first what's most important... all things are NORMAL!! woohoo

BUT holy fuck that sucked! My cervix was hard to get at because it was high and the dr. was surprised at just how high it was... I'm all opened up and ready but they can't find the radiologist... wasn't a minute or two before he showed up... dye injected and needed an extra push to make it's way through my right tube but otherwise all things normal.

during the test i just kept on breathing and it was not as I was anticipating... it hurt more then I thought it would and then came after the test... OMG!!

I stayed laying down, tried to sit up after awhile but oh no my body was having none of it and I laid back down, then I was crying, then I thought for sure I was going to be sick and then I threw up... sat for awhile longer and the RN decided I was not driving myself home (yes drove myself there) so we called my husband but he was an hour away and then we called my friend who also happens to be my ND and she said she'd be there in a half hour or so but then the Dr. decided to send me to the ER just to be safe (for pain and fluids I guess). So I finally get myself cleaned up and dressed and they wheel me down to the ER and registration and I get my blood pressure checked and then I'm sitting and waiting in the waiting room. I waited so long I felt fine again.... cramping when away finally so I asked to leave and they tracked down a Dr. just to make sure and I was out of there... and then my DH showed up and drove me home. He was delivering a boat (marine tech) 3 hours away (of course of all days!). So my appointment was at 1pm and I'm now home again and writing this post at 5pm.

I'm of course relieved to have it done but I can tell you with all honesty for a brief moment I was thinking "fuck this.. kids... no thanks" BUT now I feel like I did before my appointment... Ok and on the last day of my period. But I'm going to be relaxing for the rest of the night... to think I thought I'd be running a few errants after the test.. HA!

If you have an HSG coming up DO NOT go by yourself. PERIOD!!!

Monday, October 5

AF has arrived

FINALLY my period has decided to grace me with her presence. That was a very odd and long 42 day cycle and I'm very much hoping I never have another one of those for a very long, long, long time.

I saw my friend and ND yesterday for some acupuncture and I think that definitely helped my body do what I needed it to do... get my period. Now the wait to see if the clinic will still send me for my HSG this Thursday. Oh my this is fun... isn't it?!

I usually have 3 days of flow and a 4th day of light/spotting so I've just told the RN by email I'd leave it up to her.

Now to try and keep myself from curling up into ball and crying from these cramps. Think it's almost time to start popping the menst.ral tyl.enol... the heating pad isn't cutting it anymore.

*fingers crossed* that I can still get the HSG done this week or next... I just don't want to have to wait another month or two to get an appointment. :-(

Tuesday, September 29

waiting

i seem to be unable to function properly today and get anything done except for filling through all the unreads in my reader and adding to my list of 'to do'

this morning I went to the fertility clinic to have a blood pregnancy test done but oh lucky me not 2 hours later I get a call that the lab is backed up and I may not hear the results until tomorrow. CRAP!

So here's the run down....

- Today is CD 37 (21 DPO) and as you may already know I'm a pretty regular cycle kinda girl of 29-31
- Ov watch predicted ovulation on CD 16 which is stronger/earlier then the two months previous
- I did a HPT sunday first thing and it read negative
- last week during the early part of the day I had eggwhite CM.. WTF!
- I don't feel my period coming at all.. no usual signs and even my DH noticed that I wasn't PMSy
- I've been doing the 'whip and look' for 7 days!!!!

so i figured the blood test would put my mind at ease and tell me either way... half thinking of POAS again tomorrow morning too.... but I'm undecided

why in the hell does this have to be so complicated? I guess I never thought the drama would continue through this point of the waiting game and TTC. I've done a little reading online but trying to keep my mind occupied so I don't google too much but I just can't for the life of me seem to find my productivity mojo... like AT ALL... and I was so good yesterday and banging off one thing after another form my list but today I wish I could just go home and veg out on the couch and watch crap on tv for the day.

so what do you think? do you know a friend of a friend who's cousin was never able to get a positive on a HPT and still got pregnant? Or maybe got a negative blood test and still turnd out they where pregnant?.....maybe I'll be one of those crazy cases that I find out at 4 months that yes I'm actually pregnant.

Friday, September 18

anxious

very anxious at the moment for the retreat... a whole bundle of nerves for some reason... it's a pretty unknown kind of thing a yoga retreat... what will the weekend be like... will I be able to do so many yoga classes in one day, i forgot a flashlight...crap.... blah blah blah... can I put my phone done long enough to really enjoy the experience... will I have a little break down and cry if given the opportunity to really stop and take things in...

big ooommmmmmmmmmmmm
lots of deep breaths.......

not long now till it's time to get on the road... eekkk

what a dog!

Thursday, September 17

again... sleepy

It's CD 25 and I'm keeping my distance from the things I know could drive me a little nuts as we wait to see if it'll be BFP or BFN this month. I'm so hopeful though (considering the shift in 'O' day) but at the same time it just doesn't seem possible... like winning the lottery... getting pregnant it one of those things where you either are or you aren't as far as I'm concerned. I know it will happen for us and I'm either a. trying to keep myself distracted from counting down the days past ovulation (9 today) or b. visualizing my husband and I staring at one of my 8 pregnancy pee strip tests that are suppose to expire Jan. 2010 and asking ourselves if we see a line or not or of course c. it ends up being next Friday and I'm pretty much convinced I'm pregnant because my cycle is so regular I must be pregnant. what's it going to be? hhhmmmmmm

Acupuncture session tonight, followed later tonight by more small business brain storming with a couple other fellow business women. We're making this a weekly thing to keep ourselves on track, accountable and keep our businesses moving onward and upward.

I'm heading to the yoga retreat right after work tomorrow. I'm a little nervous but I know it will be awesome! 7 yoga classes in total.... 4 of which happen on Saturday and then I should be heading home by 3pm on Sunday. I wonder how I'll be feeling by then? rested? relaxed? tired?

I'll be taking some pictures of course but will try and snap a pic or two on my cell to share here.

Happy weekend everyone!

Wednesday, September 16

sleepy

that's how I've been feeling since we returned for our mini holiday in Tobermory... we had an awesome time and it felt so great to be sleeping in a tent, waking up and starting our day slowly chilling out by a nice warm fire to dry out the mornings dew.

but I'm sleepy... falling asleep on the couch at night and that yummy kind of slumber that you don't want to get up from in the morning.

luckily this is a short week for me again and then I have the yoga retreat this weekend... so hopefully more of the same slumber, early morning sunshine and lots of yogahhhhhh :-)

I'm trying not to get too wrapped up in the counting and such as we wait to see if AF will appear again this month... feeling a sense of hope but hoping if she does I won't fall apart with disappointment. Seeing the 'o' day fall on CD 16 vs the other months of CD 21 and 23 just seems to hold so much promise and excitement for a successful month and finally our own BFP!

on pregnant little sister news... they are having a boy... I feel a little relieved somehow that it's a boy and not a girl... I guess I'm hoping for a girl and at least she hasn't taken that away... does that make sense? She called to tell me on Monday and through the conversation she also filled me in on her plan for the winter semester... she's going to take about a week - week and a half off when the baby arrives and then go right back to class... I think she said she was going to take 3 classes that semester. Little sister tags/posts are here if you care to catch up on the drama. lol

haircut tonight, acupuncture tomorrow and yogahhhh on friday... keeping things pretty mellow and zen so far as to ward off any stress that might get in the way of our TTC efforts :-)

Wednesday, September 9

acupuncture...

hurt like a m.other f**cker (excuse my language) last night and I'm sure it isn't going to get any better tomorrow when I go again or again next Thursday.... I'm assured that this is a good thing as it means the chi is moving and also lots of energy in my abdomen.. woohooo...

i guess it also hurts not only because of the stage in my cycle but some emotional points being hit as well... we actually get a good laugh in as she's putting the needles in and last night my ND promised that I could bring my child to her someday and she'd fill them in on all the craziness their mom went through just to have them! LOL

I'm feeling giddy with optimism this month... everything on so many levels is just going really well and timing with our sometimes crazy schedules is working out well too... 3 day weekend... 3 day week this week (yeah tomorrow is my Friday), extra long weekend of camping this weekend and then a 4 day work week with a yoga retreat weekend to cap things off... if that can't keep me mellow who know if it is even possible. :-)

I'm off to a nice sweat inducing yoga class tonight and then home to do a little work and relax with Daytona.... my DH is off on another wed. night dive tonight... which always makes him very happy :-) yeah! he's also diving one afternoon this weekend while we're away camping. After dive season is out of the way and no more wed. night dives I'm going to stay for an extra yoga class on wed. nights... yoga to nurture! I can't wait!

My Hopes for 2009 - revisited (again)

... to figure out why we haven't conceived and take steps to make sure we do sooner then later

YES! YES! YES! finally got my scared ass self and my husband into the fertility clinic and the SA out of the way. Also of course got my ov watch and have an HSG scheduled for October 8th... after that we'll take the next step based on the results. But I have to admit that a little tiny piece of me is really hoping we get the BFP before the HSG... which would mean we'd have a due date very early in June! How wonderful would that be not to have to sweat it out pregnant in July & August... of course I'd take a pregancy either way.

... to continue my new marketing efforts with my small biz and keep saving for the new camera body and macbook I want to add to my equipment.

Marketing efforts are going better this last month or so then ever before after a seminar I attended last week really got me moving and working on my business.... the photography side of things anyways... the web stuff seems to trickle in all on its own. I've bought a new lens so far with my sights on another new lens next or macbook and then lens... I'm still undecided but the point is I know money is coming in and it is possible!!!!

... to keep up with my yoga practice at home as well as the two classes/week

YES! I am hitting the hard/sweaty yoga classes now vs the foundation classes and making it on average 3 times a week whenever possible.... however the fertility yoga dvd doesn't get much use at home... I prefer to be in the studio with a class.

... to make a daily walk with Daytona just part of my routine

FAIL... EPIC FAIL... but he is getting in really great runs a couple times a week at the dog park.... I still want to make a walk a daily in our lives though :-( I feel quilt enough as it is.

... to read and finish the book on procrastination I rec'd from my sweet husband

yeah... ahhhhhh NO... this book should have been purchased on CD or itunes as I have not picked it up since I updated in April... it has however made it to my bedside table... as if that matters! LOL

... do the work involved in completing "F.ast Tr.ack Photo.grapher" and do it well as to make the most of what is left of the year.

stalled on that too... I have great ideas that are in the works and I feel as though they need my attention at the moment... what I have learned so far has been good though and I will be finishing this book and the work surrounding it.

... to arrive to work on time, make that before 8:30 not at 8:30

overall... success... I slip now and then but I don't think it is anything to complain about

... to continue planning our weekly dinners/lunches, shopping with a list for the week ahead and eating dinner at the table with my most awesome husband

this is pretty much in the bag but if we slip at the beginning of the week it's a slippery slope for the remainder of the week and we both know it so we try very hard to stick to it. the fall and new starts always seems to focus us so we'll be working hard this month and next to get through a very busy fall without loosing the progress we've both made this year.

... do my bookkeeping for 2009 to date... I refuse to left another year pass without getting a hold of this and rushing to get it all done 2 weeks before the deadline! I've set my iCal to have the first 1/2 of '09 done by June 30.

yeah this is still on my iCal of things to do... I swear I will be finishing my bookkeeping and get it up to date this fall so I won't be scambling come April with the last minute crunch. no way in hell am I going to do it again. I've pushed the notice for it to be done back to November as Sept/Oct. are always crazy busy and I'm hoping November is full of photo shoots too... so far I have 2 scheduled!



Original post here
(01/2009)

taking another look (4/23/09)

Tuesday, September 8

very interesting....

so it's month three using the ov watch and look at this.....

cycle 1 - O, CD 21

cycle 2 - O, CD 23

cycle 3 - O, CD 16!!!!!!!!! WTF!

CD 16 isn't that when most normal women ovulate? or close to it anyways. I couldn't believe it when I saw my wrist the other morning... I was sitting up all sleepy and trying to wake up enough to say good bye to my DH and give him a kiss and then I caught out the corner of my eye that the watch looked like it had more writing up then the typical NF it has been displaying night after night... FERTILE DAY 1... holy crap! Window had opened!!!

I emailed my Naturopath and she thought that was awesome and to keep up the good work... uh oh... you mean the eating healthier and getting in lots of yoga is probably what did this?! Nothing better then a complete shift in your cycle to keep you on track!

I should mention too that I've been doing contrast showers... which yes totally freaked me out in the beginning but its kinda routine now and helps me shake off the morning fog and get going. What's a contrast shower you ask???? I take my usual shower temperature and then when I'm done, knock it down to a colder temp. I nice catch your breath in your throat cold and make sure I get a good 30+ seconds on my neck and chest... which I guess is helping with my thyroid?! Even though testing came back normal for my thyroid my ND still wants to see a better number over all and this is suppose to help along with the better eating and sweating I've been doing and holy crap it must be working cause that O day is a dramatically different this month.

Off to get poked by some needles after work and then some other poking a little later tonight LMAO... yes I went there... sorry! haha

Saturday, September 5

content

to elaborate a little on my last post....

since we have been to the fertility clinic we have found a groove, a sense of peace with this TTC stuff that can make a women mad and her sweet husband run for cover. I feared that appointment for so long but after we got past that hump of that first consultation and decided what we wanted to do next TTC hasn't been so present in our minds... we know DH has slow swimmers (take TCM supplements... check) and we know I have an HSG (scheduled...Oct. 8th 1pm.... check)... so we're just kind of moseying along until it is time to make another decision. But just having made those first couple of steps has brought us together. we're no longer fighting to understand each other and what's going on with our bodies at this point.

We're on board for the TTC journey together, for the first time. The ov watch has taken the stress out of the timing, the fertility clinic has helped us decide what we wanted to do next with giving us options and so now we just live life. Wanting a child of our own is still there, present in our minds with those we see around us everyday but just kind of accepting and knowing we'll get there eventually making one decision at a time.

I'm sure it's a whole mish mash of things that has brought us to this point.... but it feels so good to be here in a place where we can still live life and hope it strong and we're content with where we are right now at this point in our lives.

Friday, September 4

eye twitch

... could it be a sign? LOL

It has been one hell of a week but not a bad week.

Cleaned apartment up after the guy who rented it for 4 months left on Monday afternoon... OMG people... gross! Two evenings of cleaning, watching the walls even (thank goodness it's a small bach. apt.) and now it is ready for another student who will be with us for 8 months. Who started moving in yesterday! woohoo!

I attended an awesome seminar in Vaughan, ON on Wednesday night all about bellies & babies photography which I'm most passionate about and since then I have booked a baby's first year client!!! (it has been longer then I'd like to admit since having one of these types of clients) And finally starting to put some marketing things into action that I've been dragging my ass on for far too long... September is always a super busy month for me and I just seem to make it busier and busier but I'm having fun so why not!

But this eye twitch I've got happening is driving me a little batty... my right eye lid just twitches now and then and it's irritating as hell. I think I'm going to have to rest my eyes for the better part of the weekend but I don't know that my brain ort my to do list will let me.

on the TTC front we've just been waiting for the ov watch to say 'go'... LOL it's everything else though that has most definatly been keeping our minds off TTC and the lack of a BFP thus far in our lives. Over all...we're a pretty content couple and it feels great!

Friday, August 28

love

last night I literally squealed with delight as I was playing with the newly updated iPhone facebook app. I was so excited to be able to do more on facebook via my iPhone!!! Love that!

After my squeal my husband just stopped and laughed at me... and I was all "what? it's cool!" and he just laughed at me again and said "you are so cute! it's why I love you" and kissed me.

I don't know, maybe it's a "you had to be there" moment but sometimes he just stops, it feels like life is stopping just for a moment and he tells me he loves me because.... and I realize all over again how lucky I am to have found him.

Thursday, August 27

a good kinda tired...

I am pooped today... I happy tired but tired and thinking I'm not going to do my crazy 2 yoga classes in a row Thursday night, night.

Last night's kick my ass yoga class involved sprints... sprints up hill... 3 of them. Then I also took Daytona for a walk when I got home.

So back to last nights class... it was the first time I actually was brave enough to bring my sneakers as usually I just stay at the studio while the rest of the group goes out for the run part. So I laced up my sneakers like everyone else and off we went... it was funny because for the first time I actual started to feel like a part of this kick your ass yoga class group. I trust A. completely and she was excited that I had decided to join them outside too. So sprinting it is and I felt GREAT! I got lots of encouragement from the other ladies... no guys there that night and even 1 woman said I had been doing great with the class. I've been going 3 weeks now and I'm super excited for the fall as A. has decided to put a 3rd class on the weekly schedule for the kick your ass yoga class. wooohooo!!! It feels good to have found something I enjoy, something that I don't dread going to and a place where I feel strong enough to just do what I am capable of on any given day and know that that is enough and still a job well done!

A. was first a photo client of mine and then a graphic/web client. I've been to her son's birthday parties and annual Christmas gatherings. I've been the pregnancy, tot and family photographer. She has been such an amazing person in my life and also someone who has struggled with fertility.

Over these last 5+ years we've known each other she has never once pushed me to come to a yoga class or be healthier. I think that she's just been waiting until I was ready and when I told her I was I knew it was game on and it has been exactly that! Sure my eating isn't exactly fabulous but feeling better inside and out equates to eating better and it's all been a process for me. I'm not a weight loss scale watcher and my progress is simply based on how I feel today... what fits better then last month or last year. I'm just taking each day on one day at a time. Being better then the day before will mean a lifestyle change that I've been growing into vs the abrupt changes and diets and exercise programs I've tried and failed at REPEATEDLY in my life. I can see myself 6 months from now still practising yoga, becoming better and stronger in all areas of my life and I can see myself still doing these things as my family grows, as we wait for that baby to grow in my belly, as we find our way as new parents, finally getting to that place of healthy living and choosing the walk around the block over the show on t.v. that night.

I was thinking about all these things last night as I rushed home to let Daytona out and get a walk in. How for so many months/years before right now I had always said I wanted to loose weight before getting pregnant but I just couldn't bring myself to do it... to do it the way I thought it needed to be done and so I kept failing, never once being strong enough to make the changes, defeated before I could even begin. And now without realizing it I have finally kind of made it... I've done enough to have made progress without monitoring my progress and feeling frustrated having not seen the changes I thought the me of 1 year ago should have seen. I'm finally further up the road to being a better me then I was and I didn't realize I had been doing it. I feel like I'm over the hump of how do I make me a priority? I've done it... I've scheduled the time and although I know there is no finish line per say on this journey I know I've come far enough now that I'm not going to loose myself again.

I hope that makes sense to anyone that's bared with me long enough to read it all. I could probably go on and on and on but I promised my DH that I'd book our camp site etc for our little holiday we're taking in September.

Happy Thursday and Nameste! :-)

Monday, August 24

HSG

HSG has been scheduled for October 8th... could have gotten in for Sept. 17th but that would be just a couple days after my likely ovulation so would not work with my cycle.

I have booked a Friday/Monday off Sept 11/12/13/14 for a mini vacation with my DH. We'll be off camping somewhere before it gets too cold and hopefully some scuba diving for my husband if there are any charters running in Tobermory. Or we'll head to Algonquin for some hiking.

Here's a couple of pictures from last Wednesday night. A weekly dive night for one of the dive shops here. DH first dive after completing his certification! woohooo!

All those diving heading back out of the water...

Silly husband - this was him after the dive.

Daytona and I went for a walk and then waited for DH to surface again.

Monday, August 17

RMT

Feeling tired already this week and overwhelmed with these new work/project ideas that keep popping up in my head for my clients... I'm only one person but I can't keep the excitement to myself about one thing or another and then I find myself crapping my pants because I can't quite figure out how I'm going to get it ALL done! YIKES!

I'm a list maker... it comes second nature to me and having an iPhone and fun list making apps (love zenbe) makes it even easier... I LOVE hitting that check box on the list to make it disappear and drop to the bottom where all the other 'done' items pile up. But when I keep adding to the top of the list faster then I can get things crossed of I have to walk away and breath..... I need to find a way to bill people more appropriately for all my ideas... I'm a bit of a web fanatic/consultant at times talking about blogging, twitter, FB, online social networking, ways to keep your site on the minds of others as it relates to small business people an their potential customer.

But then of course there are the sweet arrangements I make with some of my clients... an exchange of services with an RMT! I have a massage scheduled tonight right after work! Can't wait! And then it's off to accupuncture tomorrow to hopefully keep whatever needs to be happening in there to get our BFP, happening!

Happy Monday everyone!

Sunday, August 16

1st visit to the Fertility Clinic

we've had a very productive day to say the least. up early to get the grocery shopping done and then off to the clinic and then treated ourselves to a little shopping/road trip. My sweet husband wanted me to have some new shirts and also some new tanks and better stuff for my yoga efforts. Told you he's a sweetie!

So let's just get to it... the fertility clinic... busy spot on a sunday a.m. Our appointment was at 10am and the RN had to break from us a few times to take blood and speak to 4 women that where coming in for their cycle monitoring. Now I should explain this fertility clinic didn't really have a waiting room, no receptionist... it was just a tiny office/apartment in one of the century homes turned offices across the street from the hospital. Crazy thing is this is the closest fertility clinic for so many couples who are struggling to conceive... one couple that popped in had driven almost 3 hours. And the RN was very honest about the doctors that are a part of the clinic... not out to make money from their patients but to just help couples conceive. And this shows in their pricing. I think I mentioned before an IUI was only $200. And luckily the Ontario government covers all the blood work, u/s, HSG & lap among others that I'm sure I'm not really aware of.

Between all the interruptions we managed to get all the details down about our histories and some other details. The RN also decided to take my blood as I told her my ov watch told me ovulation was yesterday and all in all it wasn't so bad. I've asked to be scheduled for an HSG and basically I'm looking at October... I think for now I'm going to hold off on the cycle monitoring and just get the HSG out of the way. Basically I could be late for work a few times with the cycle monitoring and I don't want to add that stress to my routine right now.. I've got a pretty stress inducing boss lady and I can't go to her with this and ask for her understanding... honestly I'd probably end up loosing my job. It would be the perfect excuse for her to show me the door before we'd even have the chance to get that BFP of our own. DH admitted that the appointment wasn't so bad and passing him my iphone to play with kept him busy when other women where popping in for their blood work.

As we headed south for a little shopping and lunch date my husband did say that he is feeling disappointed that his swimmers are a little slow but I immediately reminded him that he does have them.. they do exist and that is huge because the other options are just beyond what we as a couple are willing to take on. I told him about donor sperm and immediately he said "well then technically they wouldn't be mine". Some guys would be okay with this but not my husband and he did say if we can't have our own child then he would much rather pursue adoption then continue down the fertility clinic road and I couldn't agree with him more. I want very much to have a child with my husband and if that is not one that is of our own making then we would want to pursue adoption.

But all that said I don't think we won't have our own biological child I just think we haven't gotten things just right yet... so we'll keep on trucking, using the ov watch, scheduling the HSG and waiting till we have to make our next step or decision.

sorry if this post seems a bit scattered... I'm feeling very blessed at this point for where we're at in this process and there are some blogs that I follow that have received some upsetting news this week. I part of me just wishes so much that they where in this same place but I know we all have our own paths to follow and I know in my heart that each of these women, these couples will become parents. And I also know we may still have a long road ahead of us but each day I'm stressing a little bit less and just accepting that this is just a process, a journey and as soon as we close one chapter we'll be onto another.

Friday, August 14

yoga

ok internet I did 4 yoga classes this week and three of them where hard, who am I kidding the 4th one was hard too only because my body was pretty tired from all the other yoga and it just refused to release the tension in my hips and let me really get into a great stretch.

I've tried all kinds of things when it comes to being active but nothing seems to stick or I get really board with it, frustrated that I haven't lost enough weight, and just generally irritated by the whole process. I've done the gym thing, DVD's galore (P90, slim in 6, turbo jam, winsor pilates, power half hour), personal trainer, herbal weight loss crap and I even tried going back to dancing (danced for 14 years growing up - tap, jazz, ballet). But out of all these things what seems to be working for me right now at this point in my life is yoga. AND not stepping foot on the scale. That little bathroom floor contraption is the worst thing you could possibly put your two feet on (in my personal opinion) and I think it's probably been close to 8-10 months since I've stepped on one. So how will I know if the yoga is really working? Cause I feel DAMN good!

Yoga is keeping my mind in check, my subconscious from beating the crap out of my ego and is constantly teaching me new things. Last night the instructor was talking about respecting what your body is capable of today and how that differs from yesterday and how that is completely ok and to accept it. This was so true for me last night, I was frustrated that I was so tight in my hips and couldn't really let go into all the relaxed postures of the restorative class. But I've asked a lot of my body this week with the way more demanding classes I took and I felt strong in those classes so of course my body is tired and fighting me a little on all the stretching and bending I was asking from it. And since I started in March I have been able to buy a smaller size, 1 size smaller then I'd normally grab. And that makes me smile on the inside... to know that my body is responding and likes what I'm asking it to do.

Wednesday, August 12

Fertility Clinic

First consult is BOOKED and I'm feeling super lucky that they are actually able to see us this week! Our appointment is for Sunday a.m. woohooo!

I hadn't talked to DH before booking it but he seems ready for it, maybe not as ready as I am but ready... I think he's feeling a little defeated because the test came back low motility but he's ready to start popping the TCM I picked up from my naturopath and I've heard zinc and vitamin C is important too. I'm just relieved we can get the consult in before AF shows up although I'd happily take a BFP (Fertile Day 2 today) over cycle monitoring any day but I'm sure that goes without saying.

My naturopath is also looking into what she'd like me to focus on with the thyroid result being 3.1.... I'll keep you posted on that.

I made it through another kick my ass, sweat inducing yoga class tonight and I'm feeling good. Actually in the process of baking up a couple batches of biscotti to take to two events/visits we have this weekend. My friend and yogi teacher extraordinaire is really encouraging me to participate in the retreat coming up next month... 3 days, 10 yoga classes, vegetarian menu in the peace and tranquility of nature... I think she's seeing something in me, my spirit that might be hurting and she has been so amazing and just waiting till I was ready to really take this very physical plunge into my yoga practise. As scared as I am to participate I know that it will be good for me. I think what scares me is the chance that being so focused for a 3 day period on my practise will bring about some kind of emotional release I'm holding onto and not ready to let go of yet... being the tough cookie that I am... okay stubborn might be a better word. I'm a Taurus. But I think it is time to do what makes me uncomfortable. Whether that's in how I approach my small business, relationships or my own physical/emotional/spiritual well being I need to step out of my comfort zone and challenge myself. But I'll be taking baby steps not leaping from the cliff. It's just who I am and I'm a-ok with that.

For now I leave you with the pictures I had promised of our fur-baby. Yes I said fur-baby. He is the apple of our eye and he lightens up the most awful day regardless of how long we've been gone or how often he gets walks. As long as the cookies keep flowing and he can crash on the bed after DH gets up in the morning he's a pretty happy dog!


SA results

So the receptionist said that the results weren't complete yet but she could tell me some of the results

appearance: normal
vascosity (sp?): normal
mobility: low
sperm count: 37 (normal)

and as for my thyroid blood work... normal
cycle 29-31 days
ov watch is detecting ovulation (good god we're going to fall into the unknown fertility category... I can just feel it)

I've got a call into my naturopath and hope to hear from her soon. When I saw her yesterday she said she had supplements my husband could take to help. After I hear from her and get some supplements I think rather then see the doctor again I'll just book with the fertility clinic. First consult is $125 and a cycle monitoring is $120/cycle. I just feel as though this is the most direct root to figuring things out... vs. seeing our family doctor over and over again.

Thoughts ladies?

Something else I should be asking for? A next step? something you wished you'd done?

Tuesday, August 11

Fertile Day 1 - CD 19

Okay, here we go! LOL

Is it odd that I kinda want to hold off on finding out the SA results so we have a good 'go' at this months TTC efforts... not that I'm worried that he's the issue but that if all is good I'll be stressing that it's me... and what's wrong with me? If that doesn't send me running to the doctor again I don't know what else will.

Isn't this fun?! :-(

I did an awesome, super intense yoga class last night. I think I'm over the foundation classes for now. I was starting to feel restless and found it really hard to stay present in the class. Last nights kick ass yoga was just what I needed and oh boy did I ever sweat! Dripping in my eyes, yoga clothes soaked, hair damp...sweat and I Loved it! So now it'll be Mon./Wed. for that class and 2 classes on Thursday vinyasa and restorative. woohooo!

Off to get poked with some needles right after work, then veggie/fruit market and home again to make a proper lunch for tomorrow... as for dinner... oh who knows... we're off our planning schedule this week so no groceries or meal plan was created on Sunday.

Monday, August 10

countdown to SA results

I'm going to wait till Wednesday to call the doc and see if they'll share the results with me or if my DH has to call. It's CD 18 and I'm pretty surprised I haven't gotten the big fertile day 1 on the ov watch yet... I guess you could have an anovulatory cycle... would that mean the watch wouldn't have anything to read?! I'm thinking the answer to that is yes... no ovulation, no surge to read... (touching chin... interestinggggg) hmmmm

So there have been some wacky family stuff going on.... of which I know only because my dad has been filling me in. My sister has decided (my pregnant sister who is due Feb. 2010) she is going to quit her job (yes I said quit) and go to university to become a social worker. Yes you read that right... quit job, pregnant, do fall semester, break for the winter and back to university summer or fall semester. My dad was FREAKING out when he called me last week to fill me in and he pretty much wanted me to call my mom and her bf and tell them what my sister was up to so they could try and stop her... save her from herself.

My sister has been saved from herself by my dad over and over again... after much talk and some slightly louder tones then our usual talks on the phone both myself and my step mom (who was sitting beside dad) we have managed to calm my dad down... he just loves his daughters too much. But where I have had my share of ups and downs, I have hit the wall and fallen down hard on a handful of occasions throughout my childhood and adult life to date... my sister.... not so much. So as awful as it may sound we aren't going to swoop in and fix this, try to save her from her own actions (we'll just get pinned as the bad guys who don't believe in her yada yada yada)... it is time for her to fall down hard and personally I think it best that happens now then later. I imagine something along the lines of she'll quit her really good job (we're talking vehicle allowance, commission, make your own schedule, be your own boss... she could do this without even taking a mat leave), start university, get completely annoyed with all the younger kids in university (she's 27) and eventually drop out but probably not in time to get her money back, live on student loan money until baby arrives and who knows how the rest will go from there. So new family motto when it comes to little sis my step mom and I are reminding my dad to hold close... "stop prolonging the inevitable!" Little sister needs to fall...

Now whether or not my mom and her bf will swoop in once things get really bad? time will tell. My mother likes her money too much to let any of it go and her bf might not stand for sister's shenanigans which would make my mom nervous that he might leave.... yeah we're kind of a crazy family but seriously who's family doesn't have at least some crazy?

Wednesday, August 5

116 blogs, $7 for parking & coy fish

I have 116 blog feeds in my google reader... no they aren't all fertility/parent/mom/pregnancy related... I think that would drive me to CRAZY but sometimes when I open reader and find over 300 unread posts I find it hard to catch my breath...eekk I think it is time to do a little house keeping.

DH semen is in the hands of the outpatient lab. I never in my life want to hear myself say to another man "here's my husband's semen" Although the guy really didn't seem to be fazed at all by my statement. I'm just relieved they finally have it and now we can check that test off the list. I've know I've mentioned before the crazy process the lab here puts you through if you want to get this tests done but it wasn't until I emailed the fertility clinic and they told me I could drop it off myself it was finally 'game on' and I know we'd be able to finally cross this pretty big 'to do' off the list!

I thought about it later after sticking a $20 bill in the change machine for the $7 parking.. $20 in change people! $7 parking for all of 10 minutes in hospital... WTF! Anyways I thought about it later that I should have said here's my husband's sperm but technically I guess that could be incorrect. :-( I texted my DH "mission accomplished"... doc said we could call for results about a week after we dropped them off to lab. I'm relieved DH has a full weekend get-away of scuba diving to keep his mind occupied and not focused and worried about the results.

Last night I had the craziest dream about sperm... I dreamt that the SA test was basically planted like you'd plan flowers and if the sperm didn't smell bad after being planted and you could dig them up, they ended up pure white and look at them that meant DH sperm quality was good to go... in my dream DH sperm was good but what was REALLY weird they where the size of coy fish!!!!! LOL I'm thinking the episode of sharks biting tuna fish and then watching deadliest catch might have had something to do with said dream.

blog award

Thank you Liberal Granola Girl for tagging me with this blog award... I feel so special. :-)

The rules of the “One Lovely Blog Award” are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award. Here is the list of newly discovered blogs that I am tagging for this lovely award!

I don't have 15 to share but here are some of my favorites I hold onto in my blog reader.

1. 999 Reasons to laugh at infertility
2. Infertility Is The New Black
3. IVF Girl - A donor egg IVF pregnancy blog
4. Our Journey for a child
5. Puffer and the baby fishies

Tuesday, August 4

waiting

I can't believe it... already there is almost another window in our sights and it's almost time again!

I have not called the fertility clinic to book a consult and as my blog title says "everything happens for a reason". My husband really opened up on Saturday and how all this was making him feel and basically he feels as though I'm pushing 10 steps ahead instead of 1 step at a time. So after getting all that out in the open and better understanding each other I'm waiting a little longer before I book the consult. DH is going to get the SA done this week (I'm dropping it off to the outpatient lab tomorrow a.m.) then we'll follow up with our family doc for the results.

It's odd how a man's perspective on TTC can be so different from our own. I believe we have been trying for 2 years even though I know that if I counted the months we tried to hit the TTC window just right it's probably more like 14/15 months of trying. BUT my DH on the other hand only feels like we've really and truly been trying this year??!!! what?! And then when I look at the ov watch results vs. the timing of intercourse in previous months well.... we've been missing our mark I think.

It would seem that when you get further and further down this TTC journey and the baby you've been hoping to conceive each month doesn't come you get so wrapped up and distracted by all the babies and pregnancies around you. I've never been so acutely aware of the number of old high school friends on FB mentioning their pregnancies, pictures of newborns and then of course their is my little sister and her growing baby bump (thankfully no pictures of have appeared on FB and she's a few provinces away) and the revolting FB status updates of which I can't stand anymore so I have blocked her. Yes I have blocked my sister on FB and she hasn't even noticed yet because she is way to self absorbed in her own little universe to realize how her FB status updates might be hurting me.

I have done a lot of work to protect myself, my heart from not getting too wrapped up in things that aren't going to do me or my husband any good as we keep on TTCing. But regardless of our efforts in previous months and the lack of optimal timing, it doesn't get any easier to not be the one making the big announcement to our family and friends. I can honeslty say that other then my blog I may very well just hold onto our BFP secret as long as I can bear. To heal our hearts of all the disappointment and to exist blisssfully in the secret of the baby that's growing and the family that'll take shape in the coming months. Do you think you could do it? keep your lips sealed long enough till you had a little bump to show off? I hope I can. I think wanting to have our own little one on the way is the one thing I've wanted most in my life to date and I think we'll be able to hold onto that secret for as long as we can get away with.

Wednesday, July 29

fertility clinic

I got a reply to my email sent to the fertility clinic on Monday. I'm kinda excited about it...

1. she told me that I can take my husband's SA sample directly to the hospital 30 minutes away to the outpatient lab vs the collect as close to 12:30pm crap and drop off at lab to be driven to hospital 30 minutes away he and I have been stressing about since the first of May

that means we'll get it done and out of the way next week PERFECT!!!

2. consult is $125 and cycle monitoring is $120/cycle (blood work and U/S are covered by gov. thank you Canada)

RN said best time to reach her was in the a.m. so I'm going to call tomorrow to book a consult hopefully before my next cycle is due (Aug. 21/22) and then fingers crossed if SA is good I can get going with a cycle monitoring by the next cycle (if we don't get pregnant) to see what is up with my body!

melt down

last night was not good.. through a serious of events within a really short time span I had reached my limit for the day/week/month and lost it. One of those crazy throw something, charge away, slam door and sobbing, can't get it out fast enough, can't breath bouts of crying.

my husband is amazing, came to my rescue, holding me and comforting me on the bathroom floor as I sobbed. we both are hurting this month more then I would have ever guessed. my sister and her facebook status updates talking about her 'boo' and 'baby in my belly' are just too much to take and I don't need these unwelcomed reminders about her pregnancy. I blocked her on FB... little worried about possible fall out from that but I can NOT stand it any longer and she's only 11 weeks... I want to be pregnant and we want to start our family more and more as each day passes... maybe it's the 2 year mark that's breathing down my back that makes it such an emotional month... I thought I was OK... honest I did but even my husband sensed something wasn't right before I had even figured it out last night.

today I feel a little sick... like the crying wasn't enough... still more bubbling at the surface... my body is aching and tired. I wish I could be at home curled up in bed instead of this stuck feeling I have while trying to get something done at work from behind my cubicle walls.

Tuesday, July 28

second guessing

I'm jumping back and forth between a small business decision at the moment. A networking group called BNI (have you heard of it? belong to it?) Anyways only one person from a specific business can belong to a group... ex. 1 realtor, 1 naturopath, 1 photographer, 1 lawyer, 1 accountant... the idea is that these are a dedicated group of "sales people", word of mouth, that you hope will send you referrals and vice versa... The cost is high... with a weekly (must attend or send someone in your place) breakfast (meetings start at 7am) + admin fee + annual membership it's going to run me about $1500. I just can't seem to take that leap... I thought I could but I'm teetering on the what if's now.

...what if I can't bring in enough referrals to others because I only run my biz p/t
...what if the stress of being to work by 8:30am so my boss doesn't find out about my on the side networking efforts washes out my efforts to reduce stress in my life
...what if the stress causes me to have to wait even longer for our BFP
...what if I need this money for IF treatments or cycle monitoring or more ov watch sensors
...what if my husband does get laid off this winter
...what if I don't do this and I'm stuck in this job
...what if I can't get pregnant so long as I'm working for possibly the most stress inducing lady boss ever
...what if I never find my entrepreneur legs again and don't make the leap back into f/t self employment
...what if I get pregnant and then I can't get to these meetings every week at 7am because I'm too tired
...what if I get put on bed rest or something....
...what if
...what if
...what if!!!! I could go on and ON

The plan has always been to get a mat leave out of currently employer and get that 52 weeks at 55% of my current pay since you don't get that when you're self-employed. But I would never have thought that I would be in this job for over 4 years now. That we'd still be in TTC mode for almost 2 years.... (are we just not trying hard enough?)

It's a mixed up feeling/emotion kind of day/week... I'm so frustrated by not knowing exactly which way to turn at this point... so I'll make no decision and wait for some kind of light at the end of the tunnel for now.

When I was running my business f/t before I resisted this BNI group because I couldn't promote all 3 aspects of my small business and at this point right now I only want to promote the photography side as the other clients just seem to trickle in now and then and for now that's enough for me.

*** just got off the phone with a magazine I deal with for my employer *** She's a great lady and we've chatted quite openly about what is going on with her mag and what is going on here too in terms of how the economy is effecting our areas. She's sounding more and more uncertain about her industry and the print/mag industry in general as many advertisers are pulling back on spending and magazines with long histories go from print to digital. ***

I think I need to sit tight on this for now... maybe check the waters in 3 to 6 months. I can still go to meetings as a guest up to two times per chapter so for now I'll just keep on checking them out when I'm feeling the need to network. I need to focus on us and keep us above water and only focusing on being good to ourselves and getting that BFP we want so much. Recession or not no more on hold with the baby making efforts.

but I'm open to suggestions... thoughts?

Monday, July 27

Kellie Coffey - I would die for that

wow... okay get the kleenex out if you're going to watch this... another discovery from Family Passages


Smoothie

Something of a distraction as we count down the days to that next window of opportunity! :-) I can totally handle a 10 day smoothie challenge... I'm going to get going on my yoga at home too this month since my yoga studio is closed next week for holidays.

the next step

okay even though I've sort of been determined in the past that we're going to get pregnant before stepping foot into a fertility clinic I've decided that was just a cover for my being completely scared of said fertility clinic.

this weekend my most amazing and sweet husband was pretty bummed that we didn't conceive this month and he's going to get the SA done and out of the way but he asked that I contact our local fertility clinic to see if they make it any easier (I think I mentioned the craziness of this here before... collect sample as close to 12:30pm and drop off at lab so it can basically catch the bus to another city, oh and only on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Fridays).

So this morning I fired off an email to see about the SA stuff and also a cycle monitoring for myself to see what's going on... *fingers crossed* we get a quick response and then we'll take it from there.

I've got the ov watch locked and loaded with a new sensor and I'm kinda relieved I got the ick side of my period out of the way on the weekend rather then struggling to get through work all high on Tylenol and heating pad dependent. Hard to believe we're already on CD 4... last month we got a Fertile Day 1 on CD 17. And I've already scheduled a couple of acupuncture sessions loosely based on last month window of opportunity.

I also took my sister out of my news feed on FB so hopefully that works and I stop seeing this kind of crap....


this might seem really sweet to some of you and oh look she even changed the picture to be one of her and I... but my sister is selfish and this is only to bring attention to herself.... in her 27 years... it's basically what I've come to expect from her but at the moment I'm seriously considering just out right blocking her to save my own sanity and not have her words get me all fired up when I don't want to be. I find some comfort though in the fact that she has so many people from my circle of childhood friends on her friends list and not one of them has commented on her silly FB status updates.

Friday, July 24

nope

she's here... another period.

Fuck

____________________________

posted this to the side bar... where we've been and what we've (I) have tried to date...
- Started TTC Sept. 2007
- have taken a couple of months off here and there so I can't honestly way we've been trying full out for almost 2 years... just feels that way
- Oct. '07 - started temping
- Dec. '07, threw in the saliva scope too
- Mar. '08, OPK's used most months but not every
- Apr. '08 - stopped temping
- couple sessions of reflexology here and there
- May '09 - 1st visit to naturopath re: fertility + started Traditional Chinese Medicine (TMC)
- July '08 - handful of sessions with therapist
- Aug. '08 - stopped TMC, tired of taking 18 pills a day
- Oct. '08 - both started taking Fertile Aid
- Feb. '09 - stopped taking Fertile Aid
- Mar. '09 - started adding acupuncture to the mix + yoga 2x/wk.
- June '09 - 2 session of lymphatic massage + reflexology
- saw family Doc May 1, 2009 (SA requisition for DH and thyroid bloodwork for me)
- June '09 - bought ov watch
- July '09 - 1st cycle using ov watch, no luck
- July 24, DH still hasn't done SA and I have not followed up on my bloodwork but will cross both those things off the list this cycle.

Thursday, July 23

wanted to share...

I've been making my way through Sue's blog and came across this post.

Mind Body Fertility Connection
By: James Schwartz

"The fertility journey is about much more than bringing children into the world. It can be a pathway to personal discovery as we challenge ourselves to heal the old wounds and experiences that have been holding us back in life. It can be the achievement of wellness and balance of mind, body, and spirit. It can be a bridge to enlightenment as we learn to let go, be in harmony with the natural world, and embrace our connection with the universe. Any healing we do for ourselves, regardless of the issue, becomes a gift to future generations, as children learn by observing our behavior every moment they are in our presence. The healing we do creates a ripple effect, because our power and influence is felt by everyone around us.

The fertility journey is about learning to love and honor ourselves, standing in our power, choosing to nurture ourselves with wholesome foods and positive thoughts, building loving relationships, having patience, accepting the imperfections of life, practicing forgiveness, bravely facing our fears, and letting go of all the stuff in our lives that does not support our higher vision of motherhood."


The second paragraph is what really speaks to me today... today is another day on my path of TTC ups and downs... I'm feeling period-ish and of course the "wipe and look" has started (CD 30 / 9DPO)... some brownish but no real AF just yet... I'm hopeful but at the same time preparing myself for the disappointment.

I cried on my way into work today... just needed to let some of it out... with the first of the brownish stuff showing up late last night it's almost like a secret I don't want to give a voice to just yet... a bad secret that carries disappointment, tears, frustration, anxiety and fear of the unknown.

I never like to tell my husband until I'm SURE that yes it's that damn 'aunt flow' again. So tonight I'll go to my two yoga classes and I'll focus all my energy, thoughts and love to the possibility of landing safely this time on the rock just outside my reach or maybe this time the fall won't be so bad... maybe it will be easier to get up and brush myself off, replace the sensor on the ov watch and start again knowing that even with a new start, another cycle I'm one more month closer to becoming a mom.

Wednesday, July 22

a must read...

...for all fertiles who know those of us struggling with our own fertility.


Click on the image to go to the blog and download the article.

Sue Dumais is the founder of Family Passages Mind Body Studio for Fertility in Vancouver, Canada.

I guess for some reason I needed this article today since I stumbled upon the article and site is some random way guided by the internet. I'm half considering sharing this with my mom, sister, dad and step mom. Do you think it would be worth it? Should I even bother?