Friday, August 28


last night I literally squealed with delight as I was playing with the newly updated iPhone facebook app. I was so excited to be able to do more on facebook via my iPhone!!! Love that!

After my squeal my husband just stopped and laughed at me... and I was all "what? it's cool!" and he just laughed at me again and said "you are so cute! it's why I love you" and kissed me.

I don't know, maybe it's a "you had to be there" moment but sometimes he just stops, it feels like life is stopping just for a moment and he tells me he loves me because.... and I realize all over again how lucky I am to have found him.

Thursday, August 27

a good kinda tired...

I am pooped today... I happy tired but tired and thinking I'm not going to do my crazy 2 yoga classes in a row Thursday night, night.

Last night's kick my ass yoga class involved sprints... sprints up hill... 3 of them. Then I also took Daytona for a walk when I got home.

So back to last nights class... it was the first time I actually was brave enough to bring my sneakers as usually I just stay at the studio while the rest of the group goes out for the run part. So I laced up my sneakers like everyone else and off we went... it was funny because for the first time I actual started to feel like a part of this kick your ass yoga class group. I trust A. completely and she was excited that I had decided to join them outside too. So sprinting it is and I felt GREAT! I got lots of encouragement from the other ladies... no guys there that night and even 1 woman said I had been doing great with the class. I've been going 3 weeks now and I'm super excited for the fall as A. has decided to put a 3rd class on the weekly schedule for the kick your ass yoga class. wooohooo!!! It feels good to have found something I enjoy, something that I don't dread going to and a place where I feel strong enough to just do what I am capable of on any given day and know that that is enough and still a job well done!

A. was first a photo client of mine and then a graphic/web client. I've been to her son's birthday parties and annual Christmas gatherings. I've been the pregnancy, tot and family photographer. She has been such an amazing person in my life and also someone who has struggled with fertility.

Over these last 5+ years we've known each other she has never once pushed me to come to a yoga class or be healthier. I think that she's just been waiting until I was ready and when I told her I was I knew it was game on and it has been exactly that! Sure my eating isn't exactly fabulous but feeling better inside and out equates to eating better and it's all been a process for me. I'm not a weight loss scale watcher and my progress is simply based on how I feel today... what fits better then last month or last year. I'm just taking each day on one day at a time. Being better then the day before will mean a lifestyle change that I've been growing into vs the abrupt changes and diets and exercise programs I've tried and failed at REPEATEDLY in my life. I can see myself 6 months from now still practising yoga, becoming better and stronger in all areas of my life and I can see myself still doing these things as my family grows, as we wait for that baby to grow in my belly, as we find our way as new parents, finally getting to that place of healthy living and choosing the walk around the block over the show on t.v. that night.

I was thinking about all these things last night as I rushed home to let Daytona out and get a walk in. How for so many months/years before right now I had always said I wanted to loose weight before getting pregnant but I just couldn't bring myself to do it... to do it the way I thought it needed to be done and so I kept failing, never once being strong enough to make the changes, defeated before I could even begin. And now without realizing it I have finally kind of made it... I've done enough to have made progress without monitoring my progress and feeling frustrated having not seen the changes I thought the me of 1 year ago should have seen. I'm finally further up the road to being a better me then I was and I didn't realize I had been doing it. I feel like I'm over the hump of how do I make me a priority? I've done it... I've scheduled the time and although I know there is no finish line per say on this journey I know I've come far enough now that I'm not going to loose myself again.

I hope that makes sense to anyone that's bared with me long enough to read it all. I could probably go on and on and on but I promised my DH that I'd book our camp site etc for our little holiday we're taking in September.

Happy Thursday and Nameste! :-)

Monday, August 24


HSG has been scheduled for October 8th... could have gotten in for Sept. 17th but that would be just a couple days after my likely ovulation so would not work with my cycle.

I have booked a Friday/Monday off Sept 11/12/13/14 for a mini vacation with my DH. We'll be off camping somewhere before it gets too cold and hopefully some scuba diving for my husband if there are any charters running in Tobermory. Or we'll head to Algonquin for some hiking.

Here's a couple of pictures from last Wednesday night. A weekly dive night for one of the dive shops here. DH first dive after completing his certification! woohooo!

All those diving heading back out of the water...

Silly husband - this was him after the dive.

Daytona and I went for a walk and then waited for DH to surface again.

Monday, August 17


Feeling tired already this week and overwhelmed with these new work/project ideas that keep popping up in my head for my clients... I'm only one person but I can't keep the excitement to myself about one thing or another and then I find myself crapping my pants because I can't quite figure out how I'm going to get it ALL done! YIKES!

I'm a list maker... it comes second nature to me and having an iPhone and fun list making apps (love zenbe) makes it even easier... I LOVE hitting that check box on the list to make it disappear and drop to the bottom where all the other 'done' items pile up. But when I keep adding to the top of the list faster then I can get things crossed of I have to walk away and breath..... I need to find a way to bill people more appropriately for all my ideas... I'm a bit of a web fanatic/consultant at times talking about blogging, twitter, FB, online social networking, ways to keep your site on the minds of others as it relates to small business people an their potential customer.

But then of course there are the sweet arrangements I make with some of my clients... an exchange of services with an RMT! I have a massage scheduled tonight right after work! Can't wait! And then it's off to accupuncture tomorrow to hopefully keep whatever needs to be happening in there to get our BFP, happening!

Happy Monday everyone!

Sunday, August 16

1st visit to the Fertility Clinic

we've had a very productive day to say the least. up early to get the grocery shopping done and then off to the clinic and then treated ourselves to a little shopping/road trip. My sweet husband wanted me to have some new shirts and also some new tanks and better stuff for my yoga efforts. Told you he's a sweetie!

So let's just get to it... the fertility clinic... busy spot on a sunday a.m. Our appointment was at 10am and the RN had to break from us a few times to take blood and speak to 4 women that where coming in for their cycle monitoring. Now I should explain this fertility clinic didn't really have a waiting room, no receptionist... it was just a tiny office/apartment in one of the century homes turned offices across the street from the hospital. Crazy thing is this is the closest fertility clinic for so many couples who are struggling to conceive... one couple that popped in had driven almost 3 hours. And the RN was very honest about the doctors that are a part of the clinic... not out to make money from their patients but to just help couples conceive. And this shows in their pricing. I think I mentioned before an IUI was only $200. And luckily the Ontario government covers all the blood work, u/s, HSG & lap among others that I'm sure I'm not really aware of.

Between all the interruptions we managed to get all the details down about our histories and some other details. The RN also decided to take my blood as I told her my ov watch told me ovulation was yesterday and all in all it wasn't so bad. I've asked to be scheduled for an HSG and basically I'm looking at October... I think for now I'm going to hold off on the cycle monitoring and just get the HSG out of the way. Basically I could be late for work a few times with the cycle monitoring and I don't want to add that stress to my routine right now.. I've got a pretty stress inducing boss lady and I can't go to her with this and ask for her understanding... honestly I'd probably end up loosing my job. It would be the perfect excuse for her to show me the door before we'd even have the chance to get that BFP of our own. DH admitted that the appointment wasn't so bad and passing him my iphone to play with kept him busy when other women where popping in for their blood work.

As we headed south for a little shopping and lunch date my husband did say that he is feeling disappointed that his swimmers are a little slow but I immediately reminded him that he does have them.. they do exist and that is huge because the other options are just beyond what we as a couple are willing to take on. I told him about donor sperm and immediately he said "well then technically they wouldn't be mine". Some guys would be okay with this but not my husband and he did say if we can't have our own child then he would much rather pursue adoption then continue down the fertility clinic road and I couldn't agree with him more. I want very much to have a child with my husband and if that is not one that is of our own making then we would want to pursue adoption.

But all that said I don't think we won't have our own biological child I just think we haven't gotten things just right yet... so we'll keep on trucking, using the ov watch, scheduling the HSG and waiting till we have to make our next step or decision.

sorry if this post seems a bit scattered... I'm feeling very blessed at this point for where we're at in this process and there are some blogs that I follow that have received some upsetting news this week. I part of me just wishes so much that they where in this same place but I know we all have our own paths to follow and I know in my heart that each of these women, these couples will become parents. And I also know we may still have a long road ahead of us but each day I'm stressing a little bit less and just accepting that this is just a process, a journey and as soon as we close one chapter we'll be onto another.

Friday, August 14


ok internet I did 4 yoga classes this week and three of them where hard, who am I kidding the 4th one was hard too only because my body was pretty tired from all the other yoga and it just refused to release the tension in my hips and let me really get into a great stretch.

I've tried all kinds of things when it comes to being active but nothing seems to stick or I get really board with it, frustrated that I haven't lost enough weight, and just generally irritated by the whole process. I've done the gym thing, DVD's galore (P90, slim in 6, turbo jam, winsor pilates, power half hour), personal trainer, herbal weight loss crap and I even tried going back to dancing (danced for 14 years growing up - tap, jazz, ballet). But out of all these things what seems to be working for me right now at this point in my life is yoga. AND not stepping foot on the scale. That little bathroom floor contraption is the worst thing you could possibly put your two feet on (in my personal opinion) and I think it's probably been close to 8-10 months since I've stepped on one. So how will I know if the yoga is really working? Cause I feel DAMN good!

Yoga is keeping my mind in check, my subconscious from beating the crap out of my ego and is constantly teaching me new things. Last night the instructor was talking about respecting what your body is capable of today and how that differs from yesterday and how that is completely ok and to accept it. This was so true for me last night, I was frustrated that I was so tight in my hips and couldn't really let go into all the relaxed postures of the restorative class. But I've asked a lot of my body this week with the way more demanding classes I took and I felt strong in those classes so of course my body is tired and fighting me a little on all the stretching and bending I was asking from it. And since I started in March I have been able to buy a smaller size, 1 size smaller then I'd normally grab. And that makes me smile on the inside... to know that my body is responding and likes what I'm asking it to do.

Wednesday, August 12

Fertility Clinic

First consult is BOOKED and I'm feeling super lucky that they are actually able to see us this week! Our appointment is for Sunday a.m. woohooo!

I hadn't talked to DH before booking it but he seems ready for it, maybe not as ready as I am but ready... I think he's feeling a little defeated because the test came back low motility but he's ready to start popping the TCM I picked up from my naturopath and I've heard zinc and vitamin C is important too. I'm just relieved we can get the consult in before AF shows up although I'd happily take a BFP (Fertile Day 2 today) over cycle monitoring any day but I'm sure that goes without saying.

My naturopath is also looking into what she'd like me to focus on with the thyroid result being 3.1.... I'll keep you posted on that.

I made it through another kick my ass, sweat inducing yoga class tonight and I'm feeling good. Actually in the process of baking up a couple batches of biscotti to take to two events/visits we have this weekend. My friend and yogi teacher extraordinaire is really encouraging me to participate in the retreat coming up next month... 3 days, 10 yoga classes, vegetarian menu in the peace and tranquility of nature... I think she's seeing something in me, my spirit that might be hurting and she has been so amazing and just waiting till I was ready to really take this very physical plunge into my yoga practise. As scared as I am to participate I know that it will be good for me. I think what scares me is the chance that being so focused for a 3 day period on my practise will bring about some kind of emotional release I'm holding onto and not ready to let go of yet... being the tough cookie that I am... okay stubborn might be a better word. I'm a Taurus. But I think it is time to do what makes me uncomfortable. Whether that's in how I approach my small business, relationships or my own physical/emotional/spiritual well being I need to step out of my comfort zone and challenge myself. But I'll be taking baby steps not leaping from the cliff. It's just who I am and I'm a-ok with that.

For now I leave you with the pictures I had promised of our fur-baby. Yes I said fur-baby. He is the apple of our eye and he lightens up the most awful day regardless of how long we've been gone or how often he gets walks. As long as the cookies keep flowing and he can crash on the bed after DH gets up in the morning he's a pretty happy dog!

SA results

So the receptionist said that the results weren't complete yet but she could tell me some of the results

appearance: normal
vascosity (sp?): normal
mobility: low
sperm count: 37 (normal)

and as for my thyroid blood work... normal
cycle 29-31 days
ov watch is detecting ovulation (good god we're going to fall into the unknown fertility category... I can just feel it)

I've got a call into my naturopath and hope to hear from her soon. When I saw her yesterday she said she had supplements my husband could take to help. After I hear from her and get some supplements I think rather then see the doctor again I'll just book with the fertility clinic. First consult is $125 and a cycle monitoring is $120/cycle. I just feel as though this is the most direct root to figuring things out... vs. seeing our family doctor over and over again.

Thoughts ladies?

Something else I should be asking for? A next step? something you wished you'd done?

Tuesday, August 11

Fertile Day 1 - CD 19

Okay, here we go! LOL

Is it odd that I kinda want to hold off on finding out the SA results so we have a good 'go' at this months TTC efforts... not that I'm worried that he's the issue but that if all is good I'll be stressing that it's me... and what's wrong with me? If that doesn't send me running to the doctor again I don't know what else will.

Isn't this fun?! :-(

I did an awesome, super intense yoga class last night. I think I'm over the foundation classes for now. I was starting to feel restless and found it really hard to stay present in the class. Last nights kick ass yoga was just what I needed and oh boy did I ever sweat! Dripping in my eyes, yoga clothes soaked, hair damp...sweat and I Loved it! So now it'll be Mon./Wed. for that class and 2 classes on Thursday vinyasa and restorative. woohooo!

Off to get poked with some needles right after work, then veggie/fruit market and home again to make a proper lunch for tomorrow... as for dinner... oh who knows... we're off our planning schedule this week so no groceries or meal plan was created on Sunday.

Monday, August 10

countdown to SA results

I'm going to wait till Wednesday to call the doc and see if they'll share the results with me or if my DH has to call. It's CD 18 and I'm pretty surprised I haven't gotten the big fertile day 1 on the ov watch yet... I guess you could have an anovulatory cycle... would that mean the watch wouldn't have anything to read?! I'm thinking the answer to that is yes... no ovulation, no surge to read... (touching chin... interestinggggg) hmmmm

So there have been some wacky family stuff going on.... of which I know only because my dad has been filling me in. My sister has decided (my pregnant sister who is due Feb. 2010) she is going to quit her job (yes I said quit) and go to university to become a social worker. Yes you read that right... quit job, pregnant, do fall semester, break for the winter and back to university summer or fall semester. My dad was FREAKING out when he called me last week to fill me in and he pretty much wanted me to call my mom and her bf and tell them what my sister was up to so they could try and stop her... save her from herself.

My sister has been saved from herself by my dad over and over again... after much talk and some slightly louder tones then our usual talks on the phone both myself and my step mom (who was sitting beside dad) we have managed to calm my dad down... he just loves his daughters too much. But where I have had my share of ups and downs, I have hit the wall and fallen down hard on a handful of occasions throughout my childhood and adult life to date... my sister.... not so much. So as awful as it may sound we aren't going to swoop in and fix this, try to save her from her own actions (we'll just get pinned as the bad guys who don't believe in her yada yada yada)... it is time for her to fall down hard and personally I think it best that happens now then later. I imagine something along the lines of she'll quit her really good job (we're talking vehicle allowance, commission, make your own schedule, be your own boss... she could do this without even taking a mat leave), start university, get completely annoyed with all the younger kids in university (she's 27) and eventually drop out but probably not in time to get her money back, live on student loan money until baby arrives and who knows how the rest will go from there. So new family motto when it comes to little sis my step mom and I are reminding my dad to hold close... "stop prolonging the inevitable!" Little sister needs to fall...

Now whether or not my mom and her bf will swoop in once things get really bad? time will tell. My mother likes her money too much to let any of it go and her bf might not stand for sister's shenanigans which would make my mom nervous that he might leave.... yeah we're kind of a crazy family but seriously who's family doesn't have at least some crazy?

Wednesday, August 5

116 blogs, $7 for parking & coy fish

I have 116 blog feeds in my google reader... no they aren't all fertility/parent/mom/pregnancy related... I think that would drive me to CRAZY but sometimes when I open reader and find over 300 unread posts I find it hard to catch my breath...eekk I think it is time to do a little house keeping.

DH semen is in the hands of the outpatient lab. I never in my life want to hear myself say to another man "here's my husband's semen" Although the guy really didn't seem to be fazed at all by my statement. I'm just relieved they finally have it and now we can check that test off the list. I've know I've mentioned before the crazy process the lab here puts you through if you want to get this tests done but it wasn't until I emailed the fertility clinic and they told me I could drop it off myself it was finally 'game on' and I know we'd be able to finally cross this pretty big 'to do' off the list!

I thought about it later after sticking a $20 bill in the change machine for the $7 parking.. $20 in change people! $7 parking for all of 10 minutes in hospital... WTF! Anyways I thought about it later that I should have said here's my husband's sperm but technically I guess that could be incorrect. :-( I texted my DH "mission accomplished"... doc said we could call for results about a week after we dropped them off to lab. I'm relieved DH has a full weekend get-away of scuba diving to keep his mind occupied and not focused and worried about the results.

Last night I had the craziest dream about sperm... I dreamt that the SA test was basically planted like you'd plan flowers and if the sperm didn't smell bad after being planted and you could dig them up, they ended up pure white and look at them that meant DH sperm quality was good to go... in my dream DH sperm was good but what was REALLY weird they where the size of coy fish!!!!! LOL I'm thinking the episode of sharks biting tuna fish and then watching deadliest catch might have had something to do with said dream.

blog award

Thank you Liberal Granola Girl for tagging me with this blog award... I feel so special. :-)

The rules of the “One Lovely Blog Award” are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award. Here is the list of newly discovered blogs that I am tagging for this lovely award!

I don't have 15 to share but here are some of my favorites I hold onto in my blog reader.

1. 999 Reasons to laugh at infertility
2. Infertility Is The New Black
3. IVF Girl - A donor egg IVF pregnancy blog
4. Our Journey for a child
5. Puffer and the baby fishies

Tuesday, August 4


I can't believe it... already there is almost another window in our sights and it's almost time again!

I have not called the fertility clinic to book a consult and as my blog title says "everything happens for a reason". My husband really opened up on Saturday and how all this was making him feel and basically he feels as though I'm pushing 10 steps ahead instead of 1 step at a time. So after getting all that out in the open and better understanding each other I'm waiting a little longer before I book the consult. DH is going to get the SA done this week (I'm dropping it off to the outpatient lab tomorrow a.m.) then we'll follow up with our family doc for the results.

It's odd how a man's perspective on TTC can be so different from our own. I believe we have been trying for 2 years even though I know that if I counted the months we tried to hit the TTC window just right it's probably more like 14/15 months of trying. BUT my DH on the other hand only feels like we've really and truly been trying this year??!!! what?! And then when I look at the ov watch results vs. the timing of intercourse in previous months well.... we've been missing our mark I think.

It would seem that when you get further and further down this TTC journey and the baby you've been hoping to conceive each month doesn't come you get so wrapped up and distracted by all the babies and pregnancies around you. I've never been so acutely aware of the number of old high school friends on FB mentioning their pregnancies, pictures of newborns and then of course their is my little sister and her growing baby bump (thankfully no pictures of have appeared on FB and she's a few provinces away) and the revolting FB status updates of which I can't stand anymore so I have blocked her. Yes I have blocked my sister on FB and she hasn't even noticed yet because she is way to self absorbed in her own little universe to realize how her FB status updates might be hurting me.

I have done a lot of work to protect myself, my heart from not getting too wrapped up in things that aren't going to do me or my husband any good as we keep on TTCing. But regardless of our efforts in previous months and the lack of optimal timing, it doesn't get any easier to not be the one making the big announcement to our family and friends. I can honeslty say that other then my blog I may very well just hold onto our BFP secret as long as I can bear. To heal our hearts of all the disappointment and to exist blisssfully in the secret of the baby that's growing and the family that'll take shape in the coming months. Do you think you could do it? keep your lips sealed long enough till you had a little bump to show off? I hope I can. I think wanting to have our own little one on the way is the one thing I've wanted most in my life to date and I think we'll be able to hold onto that secret for as long as we can get away with.