Tuesday, December 23

well no baby news to share this month :-( but on a positive note with all the holiday happenings I'm not feeling so depressed about it this month... no tears shed this time. And we'll be able to TTC again before DH is swamped with a huge tradeshow set up happening in Toronto... International Boat Show anyone?

I remember the first and well last time he took me to the show... we had been together 4 months. Its a pretty overwhelming show if you've never been and it was kinda fun to check out all these boats. Here are some tips for you:

1. wear something on your feet that are not only comfy but can also be slipped on and off as that's all you do when you're checking out the boats
2. water in purse and a snack
3. FYI... you will be approached repeatedly when entering booths
4. check out the smaller stuff first and work your way up to the B I G boats

DH took me to check out all the big stuff first and then I got super board looking at motors and little 18 foot boats.... when you just came from something that has pop up TV's (yes more then one) a couple of bathrooms, full kitchen, dishwasher, washer/dryer and more then one bedroom.... 18 feet looks like a dingy. LOL

Friday, December 12

Its been a pretty great month so far considering some of the outside pressures of job security, money spending, holidays, family expectations etc.

We are both hoping for a very special Christmas gift from Santa this year... but we're at a pretty good place in that if we don't get that BFP we'll be okay.

I saw my naturopath again last week (she's back in the office about 10 hours a week and her little guy is now 7 weeks on Monday) and she said two things that really stood out in a matter of 30 minutes (the length of our session)

I was talking to her about family just not getting or seeming to be sympathetic to what we're going through and she can totally identify with me as it took her and her DH 2 years to conceive. but what she said was you're morning the loss of a child every month, an unborn child every single month and I never looked at it from that perspective before... of course with every period came a short period of tears, frustration, feelings of failure, disappointment and fear...... every month morning the loss of the child we want so very very much. WOW!

The other thing she said is if we haven't conceived by spring we'll take the next step... next step consists of some fertility monitoring with fertility clinic in our small town (which I'm told some of her other patients have had great success and experienced excellent bedside manner). The words charting, tests and ultrasounds came up and of course have DH tested to which I had my own questions answered about just how that takes place (not what the movies/tv would have you think which was a big relief and something I know DH won't have a problem with). I feel good about where we're at in the TTC journey and our relationship and our renewed excitement... DH has taken the bull by the horns lol and we're having more fun baby dancing then we have in a while *blushing* so like I said we're in a great place.

Something else I've been visualizing is what Christy said about having a bouncing baby with us next holiday season at all these family gatherings that have proven to add to the bag of stresses then been a place of comfort and acceptance. We are growing stronger and stronger as a couple and as a growing family.

Thursday, December 11

Just havin' a little fun at work.

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Thursday, December 4

Love it!

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Friday, November 28

an emotional mess....that's what I am today (i started that post on Tuesday)

I was just an mess on Tuesday... I couldn't stop crying for the better part of the morning and of course I was at work and couldn't just go home because of a big meeting scheduled for the afternoon.

what was wrong? everything... of course!

- no success this month with TTC
- stress of christmas and money spending
- a 4th person was laid off at DH workplace, DH still has a job but the stress + period + no baby just was too much
- my dad giving me a hard time about bowing out of the family gathering on my step mom's side on the 13th (reason more money as they sprung a gift exchange into the mix + we'd be responsible for bring 2 dishes to the potluck + the 2.5 hr drive + no one bothered to answer my question about whether or not we could bring our dog until a week later)
- stress of TTC next month cause if we do, baby would arrive in late August and my sister finally set the date for her wedding... yeah... Sept. 5th. We have been trying for too long now to stop for a couple months with the idea of being at her wedding. Yes of course I want to be there (suppose to be in the wedding party) but I can't stop living my life and TTC when the wedding is just under 1 year away... even if we did wait till March to start trying again I could still miss the wedding due to bed rest or complications or doctors orders to not travel (wedding is in NB).... so we are trying agian in December.. because we both want to get this show on the road. lol

yeah so this week started off with an awful yucky loud bang but luckily we got through it, are getting through it... looking after ourselves and trying not to worry so much about what everyone else things or feels... sometimes you just have to put yourself first, okay all the time but its ten thousand times harder this time of year :-(

Wednesday, November 5

I've mapped out the new sitemap and design for my new website and I'm so irritated that I have other things that need to be done before I can start working on it. Hopefully tomorrow or maybe this afternoon if I can get these other brochures out of the way.
There are no words... I am just filled with so much hope for not only the United States but Canada with the election of Barack Obama as President.

Monday, November 3

weekend was great... productive, peaceful, quite, relaxing

I raked up the leaves on saturday and I have to say my hands are sore, but to keep them moving I started a new knitting project.... a simple 12 stitch width scarf that I'm planning to give my sister for Christmas. We're trying to cut out some of the expense of gift giving this year... fingers crossed we can keep the spending down and our family will appreciate the personal touch vs. the plastic gift card. Also my sweet husband washed my car and I cleaned it out, the winter tires are stack in the garage and ready to be put on, halloween stuff down (not that there was alot of it) but I couldn't get dh to put up the christmas lights (don't worry we wouldn't have turned tham on yet)... he told me that should only be done when its really cold out, tradition I guess to freeze you're fingers off while you do it. LOL

just about every piece of laundry is done, folded and away minus the stuff we had on... I love it when the laundry actually makes it into the drawers and the closet... I mean that is why we bought the nice new side/table dressers and closet organizer! lol

This is the time of year where I get into purge mood BIG time. Partly because it really needs to be done but also its me preping for our annual NY shopping trip with my step mom, her sister and their gf. This will be our 4th year. And of course a sign of the times we aren't going to go all the way to Rochester (2 night stay) and
instead opting for a day trip to the Buffalo area since they are finally getting a Christmas Tree Store (that is a pre-requisit for our decided destination, there has to be a CTS). CTS, TJMaxx and then likely the Walden Galleria and lunch at the cheese cake factory... oh my yummy! the purge keeps me from over spending and buying up stuff we really don't need and I never deviate to far from my shopping idea list. I'm even purging some furniture peices. I love it when everything has its place and a place for everything but getting there is a work in progress... watch... I'll get it all done in a couple years and we'll move.

Thursday, October 30

my naturopath had her baby!!!! a baby boy who they've named Patrick!

I just received an email from the doctor that's filling in for her at her clinic and I had to read it over and over to take it all in. The baby was born Monday night at 9pm and she is being discharged tomorrow. I got all the details of her room etc and that she would really like to see me if I can come up before she is discharged tomorrow.

I'm smiling and giddy not only because he is finally here but that I feel like our friendship is kinda coming together. We have had the odd get together with our husbands (+dogs too) and they tried for 2 years before conceiving and I just feel really honoured that she'd want me to come up and visit.

I'm going to pop in after work... I don't have a gift or anything and have no idea if there is something I should pick up?!!! I figure that can come later besides that would just be one more thing for them to bring home.

Oh I'm just so excited!!!!

Wednesday, October 29

first... Christy thank you for the comment you left. I know life gets away from us sometimes and just know I'm thinking about you too!

This months TTC efforts feels SO freaking exciting... I feel as though its our first time trying for some reason.

As my naturopath is taking some mat time herself and I was feeling a little lonely on the TTC front I decided after talking with DH to buy this mentioned previously. It arrived yesterday and we both took our first pill with dinner. dinner at our new table!!!! An early christmas gift from my mom and her bf. I only asked for a gift certificate (sears) and wham! they ordered it for us... we couldn't believe it!!! It arrived yesterday and while I made dinner and ran out for a quick adjustment at the chiropractor my sweet husband put it together... NO more dinners in front of the TV... we where awful for doing this literally ALL THE TIME!!

Horrible pic (bad kitchen lighting)... but you get the idea. New blinds and lighting to follow this winter likely.

so as I was saying we're feeling excited about the window opening this month.... we where out picking up some groceries on the weekend and passed one of those neon open signs you can pick up a costco and dh said... why don't you get one of those? Me: what? dh: an open sign so I know the window is open and its time!!!! I'm still laughing about it!!! and thinking of making one as a joke to put over our bed. That is one of the things I just absolutely love about my handsome husband.... he makes me laugh all the time, we laugh all the time... this morning i grabbed the box of halloween treats we had been tossing in lunches, it was on top of the fridge and when I picked it up I knew it was empty but something black caught my eye..... he left me a message. Inside at the bottom of the box it said "there gone!" LMAO

tonight... he's making dinner LOL and then its pumpkin carving time! we have two awesome big round fat guys to carve up... an annual tradition

Wednesday, October 22

well AF arrived a couple days early so I guess that's a good thing.... time to get this TTC show on the road and get another month under our belts. LOL

Thank you Margie for your company Saturday night and the bottle of wine!

I've ordered up the fertility aid supplements (a his & her combo) but nothing has arrived yet but I'm hoping it arrives by Friday.

This weekend I get to go to the lakehouse and see my Aunt and my Nanny. I'm not entirely looking forward to this... no actually I'm NOT looking forward to it at all. Yes this is the Aunt who will become a grandmother for the first time summer 2009, my cousin & his wife are pregnant. As much as I am happy for them I also want a little respect as not to have it rubbed in my face as though it was a competition I lost! But when I called last Friday night to say hello, knowing they had arrived on Thursday my Aunt got on the phone and chose to sing song as though she was a kid in the playground taunting someone "I'm going to be a Nanny, I'm going to be a Nanny, I'm going to be a Nanny" over and over again. I mean how can I not have my defences up walking into something like that.

Friday, October 17

feeling better today (thank you for the quick call yesterday Margie... it felt so good to know I had a friend out there that came to my rescue so quickly)... I didn't get into too much with my DH because he has a HUGE weekend with a written and practical exam this weekend and will be away but I told him I wanted to know if he'd take a fertility blend supplement with me for next months TTC efforts and try lots of positions (sorry if TMI) and he said he's game... he said whatever I want and then reminded me that he said that afew months ago... so ordered up this stuff for us. The reviews seem pretty positive and I've been taking a break from my 18 pills of TCM a day for the last month (that's an investment all on its own!) eek!

I know I've done and tried alot of different things over the last year but I'm not going to get wrapped up in the temping, opk, saliva scope, all the other stuff and my books are still tucked away. My naturopath is off right now expecting her first any day now, actually her due date was last Sunday... so that said i was feeling a little lonely... don't have her to chat with and we are running a tight ship right now so I haven't wanted to spend the cash on another session with my therapist. A good girls night Saturday is just want I need (can't wait to see you Margie). I think by next weekend I'll be ready to face my aunt at the cottage as she and my Nanny are visiting (arrived yesterday) my dad and stepmom so I want to move into a positive energy so not to break down into a puddle of tears listening to how excited she is... it is after all her FIRST grandchild!!!

Thursday, October 16

my heart aches right now... feel as though I'm being bombarded by babies, pregnancy and all things in between these last few days and I'm MAD.. I'm mad at myself for not being able to find the ambition to loose weight... I'm mad that my husband doesn't seem to really want this as much as I do (I know he does but it just never seems to be at the same intensity/want/desire/need as I do)... I'm mad because I don't think we are trying hard enough... I'm mad because I don't feel like we have been as good at putting money aside as we could be... I'm mad because people have been laid off at my husband's workplace and that changes "trying" and just puts more stress into an already stressful time... I'm mad because I think we should have had a baby already, I'm mad because my 26 yr/old cousin and his wife of 1 year are expecting, I'm mad that I'm capable of feeling this way toward them ("that should be me...") and I'm mad because I don't feel like I've done anything to change.

Friday, September 19

I love "checking-in" with my naturopath.

I've been feeling unsettled since coming home from our holidays on the east coast and I don't know what it is... I feel like I should be planning something BIG, working toward something, DOING something. But instead I was reminded in my session yesterday to just sit in this calm place and see what comes to the surface....

We started on a journey with TTC this time last year and it took me (and my cycle telling me) until the spring to realize I was making myself, making my body crazy and throwing it all out of wack. So instead of trying yet another diet of which I knew I would fail and couldn't bare to start face more failure, more let down by my body I decided to start working from the inside out. Started TCM, seeing a therapist, slowing down and stopped beating myself up about where I'm at, where my body is at, and where my head is at.

So I'll wait, I'll sit on this calm but restless feeling and see what unfolds for me next.

Wednesday, September 17

so yesterday I had a hair appointment and brow wax and I FORGOT my wallet!!! doh!!!
but all is well and the very kind people where I was headed let me write a cheque (because I'm a regular client) and the spa let me put it on "my account!" an "account" at the spa could be a bad thing... I didn't know you could do that. lol

Tonight after work I have a massage and tomorrow a touch base appointment with my naturopath. i haven't been doing a very good job since holidays at taking my TCM supplements. Friday nothing and then a crazy weekend shooting an event and some grad photos saturday and a seminar in TO on sunday. I feel as though I'm catching up on sleep before this weekend starts AND I took Monday off to come down from my crazy weekend.

Monday, September 15

wanting.... longing.... needing

a thought... maybe this journey to becoming a mom isn't in my hands. maybe wanting to be a mom is forcing me down a path I've neglected to take until now and its forcing me to make sure I'm complete and whole and well and grounded and centered... maybe it isn't until all of this aligns that I'll finally find out that I'm pregnant. I'm still struggling with fear though... the fear that once all the other stuff aligns and settles that it will be too late.

Friday, September 12

so last night right after we both got home from work we headed south to Ikea to pick up bedside tables we've been planning/wanted to get for awhile... so exciting I know. lol

We opted for these (in brown/black) instead of these. Same price and more storage and our bedroom can handle the extra size. I'll try to take some before and afters this weekend as we are also getting a closet organizer and I can't wait to get that in and working for us. That means we have one armoir/two miss matched side tables and a very old blue three drawer dresser up for sale... going to try and sell them first but they need to go money or not.

So of course by the time we're back home and in bed its just about time for the news. News comes on... oh goody gas is going up .13 cents.......me up and putting on my pants to go get said gas before it goes through the roof. Luckily the pioneer is pretty close and its always the cheaper place, but by the time I got there is was already busier then usual and then it got REAL busy by the time I waiting in line to pay for my own gas. I love being an adult. lol while I was there though i struck up a conversation with the woman pumping gas beside me and turns out she's unemployed... and I think I was suppose to learn something from that... I need to be far more appreciative of what I/we do have and not so concerned with what I don't have yet.

I'm listening universe and I got the tap on the shoulder. Thank you!

Thursday, September 11

I've been following Shanna's blog for awhile now and she just started a new one introducing the most precious angel I've seen in some time. Just makes my heart melt.

Thursday, September 4

Great blog find!!!

not that I'm going or planning to go "vegan" I still like meat... just do
BUT I love the look of some of these recipes and plan to give a couple a try soon

Wednesday, August 27

Quick recap - Vacation wrap up!!!

So holidays where just beyond FANTASTIC and so full and fun with tons of laughter. However next time we'll be reversing the order and getting the obligatory family stuff out of the way first and then heading to Halifax for more fun.

Tuesday - early morning flight to Halifax, time spent with Kiran and her mom, massage & facial then amazing dinner and wine at Nectar with Kiran and her husband

Wednesday - stupid crazy 4 hour hike after a 1+hour drive to cape split outside Kentville - thought I'd died but I did it and am slightly proud but also embarrassed at just how horrible my cardiovascular health is. Husband arrived/flew in at about 11pm

Thursday - was dubbed crazy tourists day... Peggy's cove, lunch/drinks, museum/walking downtown Halifax, more appetizers/drinks, walking, Keiths Brewery tour, little shopping, apps/drinks, grocery store for snacks and back to Kiran's place

Friday - up early to pick up rental car, breakfast with Kiran and Ron, onto Citadel Hill for teary eyed good bye, Citadel tour, saw the 78th Highlanders perform, back to the car, hooked up the GPS and headed for Fredericton. Arrived Fredericton around 6pm, Mom arrived after 7pm (she thought it was a house warming party my sister was having) Big surprise for her to see Jamie and I there - dinner then sleep, awful sleep on air mattress. moved to mom's place with a room in basement and our own bathroom... thank goodness.

Saturday - market, then headed to soon to be brother-in-law's family cottage for the afternoon on yo-ho lake, dinner out there and kayaking

Sunday - breakfast with sister and soon to be brother-in-law, then off to get suited up for some river tubing, mm came too. SO MUCH FUN!!!! loaded up in a van with tubes in the trailer and they dropped us off up the river (Nashwaak) and three hours later and a cooler (yes even a tube for the cooler) we arrived back at parking lot/tubing place. Nap and then dinner at Pano's (great Greek restaurant)

Monday - Kings Landing (haven't been for about 15/16 yrs) love it there, even went to camp there. it was a morning for just Jamie and I - then lunch with mom and sister - then some downtown sight seeing and museum. Dinner at sister's home. started to pack... Kiran totally spoiled us and we had to buy a duffle bag to get all the stuff back home (linens, dog treats, aveda bath salts, skin care products, duvet cover.. totally spoiled we are).

Tuesday - finished packing, time with mom then on the road with sister to Saint John to take our Nanny out to lunch then a visit with Aunt too... lazy stroll around the market and waterfront before heading to the airport to catch our early evening flight. Fly to TO, luggage, sky train to parking lot, pay and drive home... in bed by 10:30pm

Wednesday - back to work...

Just one of those great vacations that you did so much you feel like it was longer then a week... not dying to get home and not wishing it where over just yet but over all content and feelin' accomplished.

*sign* But I'm totally looking forward to some extra sleep tonight. lol And spending time with Mr. Daytona... missed him SO much!!!

think that about sums it up for now... off to check the P.O. Box after work and then think about what to make for dinner tonight... urgh need groceries badly....

Tuesday, August 12

wow... its been awhile

I'm still kickin' just trying to mellow out and relax, take care of me and spend time with my husband...

not too much longer and we're off to the east coast... I'm really looking forward to getting away, far, far, away from this cubicle. lol

hope everyone is having a great summer.

Thursday, July 31

I feel an slight sense of anxiety about our trip east.. and what am i so anxious about... having not lost some weight before we go... so f**k stupid but for some reason I'm mentally beating myself up about not putting in a proper effort to shed some pounds before our holidays. but yet i don't feel anxious enough to be spurred on into action.or maybe its just that I feel too overwhelmed by it... probably a little of both.

one more night alone and then Jamie is home again... can't wait... off to the cottage tomorrow night!! YEAH!! (and a little nah... I've just been so self conscience lately and I feel like even my dad and step mom are watching me, watching with i eat, how I look, how I'm feelin' - dad knows I'm seeing a therapist) thinks just feel different... part of me wants to just be at home and alone but i know i should be with family and I know i will have fun once we are there and I want to be there but don't


Wednesday, July 30

20 more days... 20!

Husband is at the Gravenhurst fire college all week, back on Friday afternoon and then we are outta here.. heading to the cottage for the long weekend with a trip to Sauble as some point too... love that!

I am VERY happy to report that TCM are working beautifully as far as I'm concerned. I've knocked my cycle down 3 days (May was 33, June was 34, July 31!) I started taking TCM June 2nd, so this was the first full cycle of all 4 bottles of herbs. So that should mean stronger egg and better timed release of said egg, but I'm not temping so I'm assuming cause that's what the TCM is about. We're still undecided about TTC in August but we're on holidays for a week so who knowns. Its hard not to consciously "try" when your counting the days of your cycle and when to take which TCM etc. but just trying to keep the pressure out of it.

Thursday, July 24

I bought this last night and I freakin' love IT!!!!

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Wednesday, July 16

well its a no on the job... weird story... she/interviewer thought I was mad at her (this all took place on each others facebook walls) I told her no not mad should I be? I didn't hear from you figured you where just crazy busy so turns out they hired someone else because that person had so much experience it just couldn't be ignored. I'm good... I've decided to buy an iPhone!!!! I can't freakin' wait... but I have to till next friday when my contract/plan with rogers is eligible for a phone upgrade. in the meantime I'm taking on learning the sync function so my mac here at work, home and the iphone will keep everything running smoothly and won't have to worry about what is where and on what.

One good thing about not leaving this job right now is of course the benefits which are allowing me to see a therapist and continue on this journey of learning about me and being the person I want to be. And the 6% rrsp contribution helps and finally now having 3 weeks of holidays to play with then the 2.... not that I'm stopped looking for something new... it comes in waves.

I have thurs/friday off this week and I'm looking forward to gutting my home office and setting it back up again in a new layout. I have a ton of stuff that needs to be purged in there and I think I'm finally ready to let it go! I don't know why I hold onto so much but it is a process purging and I have to keep up this momentum so I can get it done and enjoy the rest of my week/end. I'll try to remember to take some before and after shots.

Friday, July 11

Thursday, July 10

My inspiration for this post came from reading Alli's post today and then what came out of me as I left a comment.

I'm not going to try another diet
I don't really care what the number on the scale says
What I'm focusing my attention on right now is me... me as a whole person and the emotional baggage I've been carrying around for the last 10 years or so. Do I have a ton of work to do with my new therapist... NO not really but there are things that are getting in my way without me really realizing what's happening. I need to focus on my relationships with people and making sure I don't give so much of myself that there is nothing left for me! And in doing that I know that the self I once was will return. I'll regain the ambition, motivation and energy I once had and when those things come back the shape of my body will change and find its way back to that 170/175 I was so easily able to maintain.

And I know according to some that's still overweight but for me I know its where my body was happy, I was happy and I felt good and confident in myself. When I get back there maybe it will be time for more change but until I get back to that person I'm going to stop beating the crap out of myself emotionally.

Wednesday, July 9

just curious who's out there... please delurk yourselves ;-)

I don't really want to go private but I think I might be a little more free flowing with my bloggin' if I did. I'm on the fence.

Today was a good day...surprisingly there where a ton of laughs this afternoon after boss lady left. It all started with our student calling the office from staples to make sure no one else needed anything.. someone hollered out "does anyone need anything at staples?" to which I replied "a job application please" lots of laughter followed. then it moved onto who could find the best sound bit *shrug* who really knows how these things unfold but it was great to laugh so hard at work... tomorrow is a boss free day (love thursdays) so hoping more laughter will follow.

I didn't leave my desk at lunch so I decided with only 45 minutes to go that I was going to whip up to starbucks for a chai latte treat.... so yummy!
Rogers caves on iPhone 3G plans, offers up 6GB for $30 a month - Engadget
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site here

Tuesday, July 8

I had another session first thing this morning and i'm feeling tired but good.

holy crap! so I've always known I give too much of myself and today she pointed this out.... it appears to her and she pointed it out to me that I'm finally reevaluating my relationships with those around me. One in particular has been on my mind but I hadn't really decided to do anything about it. but when telling my counselor/psychologist whatever (we'll call her Anita) today about my most recent experience with this person her mouth dropped... (which kinda felt good and validated that yes that was inappropriate). So here's what happened. I do an exchange of services with someone at this point I would consider a friend but our interactions are only based on business it would seem. last time I saw her she was questioning why I hadn't been in for reflexology and I told her that dh and I had decided to take a break from TTC and I was starting TCM with my naturopath in preparation for TTC in the fall and she said "but isn't taking TCM really not taking a break?" I tried to fluff it off and just say well someday you'll understand what all this wanting and desire for family is like... her reply "Honestly Malinda I don't think I will" snicker snicker Like I'm crazy and obsessed and she couldn't even for a second empathize for me/with me... later I was being quite and could hardly breath, had to almost gasp for breath and the weight in my chest was extreme (was getting a massage from her).... after being quite she decided to strike up the conversation again... about her business. Now I know I've always asked questions because I do want her to do well but this exchange of services isn't working anymore. I deserve a peaceful and relaxing massage in exchange for all the graphic/web/photography work I've provided her and I'm not getting that. Another punch to the gut was when I tried to help correct an email issue she is having I discovered that my beautiful business cards are being used to prop up her LAPTOP!! And after so many years of working together she has another photographers work hanging in her space instead of my work... then I had to practically beg her to put mine up.... I don't think she sees a connection in how we can be cross promoting each other maybe that is because of where she is at in her life vs. where I'm at but still I deserve respect and acknowledgement for the work I've done and the effort I've put in ensuring she has a solid brand to present to her client base.

also learned that yes my work environment is toxic and even if the job I have yet to hear about at the college... I still need to keep looking for that new opportunity that is going to allow me to move past this place and onto something new.

I feel good, little nervous about the next step though... I just need to figure out how exactly to approach my friend about changing our working relationship. I deserve to have friends, clients and an employer who acknowledge and value my abilities and experience and its time to put that into play.

We know we'll have a baby. And we're going to have the baby we're suppose to have. Whatever baby we end up having will be the right baby. Our baby. And we know that we'll hold that child and think, "If our journey had been easy, we wouldn't have you." - Baby Proof

found this at Ashely's blog

Monday, July 7

i feel the universe trying to tell me something. I've just about booked an event to shoot this saturday and got a call from an expectant mom for another photo session. thinks are looking up. :-)
I'm such a downer today so click to another blog is you wish.

I tried to eat healthy this weekend and the only thing I got was a headache.... it was 10pm and I thought if I can just get to sleep but I couldn't do it and got up eat 3 cookies and a glass of milk before two tylenol and back to bed. I think I was trying to take on too much. working with a psychologist isn't a visible thing and you want to feel like you are making change.... yeah I know I've only been once but I've been thrown into thinking overdrive this weekend it would seem.

Friday night I got an email from a gf and I love her and I don't want to feel this way but she is pregnant and I cried like a baby friday night... and of course dh is so confused as to what I want but he lovingly held me and let me sob for awhile. I want to cry again just thinking about it all over again. He wants to do whatever I want to do and originally it was to wait till sept. but then friday night I was in "oh my god we have to start trying this month" I feel like I should honor my decision to wait till september but then at the same time I just want this so much at this point in my life that waiting almost feels like I'll end up waiting even longer and longer if we don't get pregnant.

I was always the responsible one... I didn't even start having sex till I was 19... and I've always known being a mom was something I wanted, always a part of the plan for myself and my husband. But I can't seem to let go of the worry and its making me sick, the worry and stress of TTC knocked my cycle out of wack, the stress of a kinda shit job has added 50lbs to my frame and a disturbing lack of ambition.

I have another session tomorrow morning. No word on that job yet but like I've said before I'm on the fence but if they called me right now I'd take it and run, run far far away from this place. somethings gotta give soon.
i just feel sick.... I want to go home and crawl back into bed... I have one of those awful headaches that pounds right behind your eyes.

:-( I love mondays

Friday, July 4

Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) and Fertility
some info for anyone reading who might find it helpful... I haven't done any
acupuncture, but planning to do some of that in the fall.

I think what is most frustrating is that my cycle was a regular 28/29 days until we started trying to
conceive and it went all wonky, this past cycle was 34 days so hopefully I'll see it come down a day or two this cycle. It really is incredible how much everything around you effects the way your body, mind and soul function.

might add some more info/links later today.

Stress and Infertility - webmd.com
Doctors offer insights on how daily stress can disrupt fertility -- and how relaxation can help.

Even though we are "taking a break" the thought still tugs at my mind.... the window is approaching... I'm not going to burden my dh with that though, we are after all "taking a break" if it happens it happens but I'd be lying if i didn't admit its still on my mind. I still think about being a mom, about pregnancy and what that will look like for us.

I'm keeping up with my traditional Chinesse meds/herbs/supplements (whatever) and taking 17 pills a day! for what you ask? 12 of those are the same and are to assist my cycle, there are 4 different ones and each bottle is taken at different points throughout my cycle (i.e. PMS support days 1 to 5 or follicular support days 6 to 11 and so on) + 2 multi/stress vitamin that is suppose to help my body manage stress better or how stress effects my body + 2 omega3s + 1 folic acid

no word on the p/t job yet... I've decided for now I'm not going to follow up just because I do know the woman that would be my boss and I know that when a decision is made I will know about it. It took almost a month for the interview to be set up so it will take some time. Everything happens for a reason after all.

Thursday, July 3

I have a headache! you know the kind you get after a really good cry?!

after my first session with psychologist (actually clinical counselor or something but I get the receipt that allows me to write off 80% for benefits when she contracts from the psychologists office) I decided to head to the waterfront to just chill and regroup before making my way back to work. I did pretty good today, got a lot out about what has been going on in the last 10+ years that has brought me to being who and where I am today. I don't know why so many tears... is it just admitting to someone else what you think or how you feel, being allowed to say things you might never have allowed yourself to say before and say them out loud... I cried but I also wanted to keep talking to get my $140 bucks worth LMAO.. I feel good. I feel like I've started down a path that I probably should have started awhile ago but maybe I wasn't quite ready. I have another session on Tuesday morning since the job issue is pressing and although I don't know if I have the job offer or not I do need to work on how to not pick up my boss's triggers so easily and I think in turn that is going to keep me from doing the same with my mom... a whole other story in itself.

so my homework before then?

to make a list of things I love to do, that are for me and about me that make my "heart sing"...

quickly off the top of my head... here we go.

1. photographing people, especially women - love it when a woman leaves my home studio feeling on top of the world beautiful because of the pictures I've taken

2. being with my husband, day trips together, laughing together

3. being with my dad

4. downtime just to be alone and quite

5. hatha yoga - use to go to one yoga studio all the time but haven't found something I love now that that place has closed. And driving 30 minutes between cities with gas prices right now keeps me from going to a class...wish I could find something that started just after 5pm so I could do a class then head home

6. dancing - i danced for 14 of my first 17 years (tap, jazz & ballet) and use to just love it but feel intimidated by the schools here and uninspired by the caliber of classes available for adults

Wednesday, July 2

oh the weekend how I miss thee...

this weekend was good and bad. good because my gf came to visit me who I haven't seen since October but bad because I just felt like I was waiting for Monday. our employer didn't do the day swamp so we worked monday and had tuesday off. whatever...worked out for dh and I cause he was at a course sat/sun/mon. and still had tuesday off so we got the day together. I slept in and we did very little work outside and then pretty much just chilled out for the afternoon and evening.

I just came in from a short lunch break outside and the person who deals with the benefits decided to add her 2 cents "its just a job... its funny just laugh!" she was referring to what I told her last week. I'm going to see a psychologist tomorrow and I was just confirming what was or wasn't covered by our benefits package. I have coverage of 80%/visit up to $500/yr. She seemed concerned (aka nosy) and I just fluffed off her concern saying I just wanted to talk to someone about how to deal with working at this place and then she pops out with that today. whatever... I figure I might as well take hold of the benefits while I've got them. I want to talk about my mother, wanting to conceive, my emotional eating/weight, my job, leaving my shit job.

"its just a job" - see that's just it for most people it is just a job but I want so much more out of my career, out of an employer... a little respect and acknowledgment can go a long way and my wages and the treatment I get here don't reflect my value to the company. I feel like I've been beat down by my employer and the confidence and ambition I once had for my small business is dwindling FAST. That was always our plan... work to get the house and then start the family and get that first mat and never go back.

As for the job interview I had almost 2 weeks ago I still have no news. I'm hoping to hear something this week though... however I'm still on the fence about wanting it. Not sure the job/pay and added expenses outweigh getting the hell out of here right now. I have benefits, no I don't make great money, but I have an RRSP contribution, the odd $200 bonus, almost a weeks+ holidays at christmas and finally as of July 25 I've earned 3 weeks vacation for the coming year instead of 2. And I just feel like if I could just get pregnant and get a mat leave out of them I would be done with this company.

Food so far,
b: watermelon
l: leftover sausage/peppers + pasta, raspberries
s: nectarine

Thursday, June 26

love my bark busters team!!!

Daytona's lesson was great! he doesn't want to be leader of the pack so we're learning more and more about how to make sure we don't put that stress on him and keep us in the leader role. We practiced door/knocking/guest issues... teaching him that we are first and it is our job and when it is your time to check out the guests we will let you know. So for the rest of the night and this morning DH and I would randomly knock on this and that with a strong "bah" to go along with it (which is like saying me, I'm in charge, chill dog).

Its amazing how much you can get out of a dogs body language, ears tucked back is totally submissive but a human might interpret it as scared. Watching his ears we moved onto walking. Daytona is terrible at pulling ahead vs watching me and what I'm doing and where I'm going. And passing another dog... oh the fun... NOT! He did such a great job last night walking on a loose lead and watching my move and not getting out ahead of me. LOVED it!!!

Best part, the learning is more tiring for him then a long walk is, making him think though is actions and what I'm telling him to do... he was pooped! And the other best part about bark busters... its for the life of the dog. We had our first really long session in December... we shelled out $450, but its done and paid for... now when we have something we are unsure of, an issue we want to work on, or a life event (hopefully baby someday!) we can call on bark busters to help us and Daytona make that transition... the result... a happy, content Daytona, mommy and daddy.

Wednesday, June 25

another day another day... I live such an exciting life! lol

tonight we have a visit from bark busters again. Daytona is a good dog, don't get me wrong but he has some separation issues that we need to address and so far he hasn't quick gotten that we are the only leaders of the pack and he can just "chill out" and we'll be home when we'll be home. I don't want to have to take him to the neighbors forever, I don't want to have to pay $150 a month to keep him in god company for the working hours of the week. I want to be able to leave him at home so he can lounge on the bed, on the pillows all day until we get home but he doesn't quite see it that way.

Tuesday, June 24

Gravenhurst Fire College, ON

Originally uploaded by malinda3030
what my husband was up to this weekend! lol He loves being a volunteer firefighter and someday I know he'll be doing it full-time, but for now being a volunteer keeps him pretty happy and me happy too because he has the opportunity to go to the fire college. He's heading there again this weekend for 3 days and another full week in July.

Monday, June 23

I wish I had thought of this for our wedding cake!!

IMG_ 002
Originally uploaded by malinda3030

so this would be a before pic... 2 years ago but whatever... its one of the better pics of me and as I'm a photographer I always seem to be behind the camera or pictures of me are in other peoples hands. lol

and then Friday I got it all taken off AND I LOVE IT!! It was time for a change.

how funny that I would look down like that two years later. lol

the back


gotta love the lighting in the office!!!! urgh

Friday, June 20

so because I wanted to know where the OPP job stood I followed up with a call even though they say they don't want to you too and I learned that notices went out by email to perspective candidates for the position.... HELLO EMAIL.... how do they know it doesn't just end up in the spam box, so this morning I emailed my contact for reassurance and no I was not on the short list. I know that might be me being a pain in the ass but I needed to know or I would have been questioning if I deleted it from spam without realizing it.

the interview yesterday went great.... but I'm on the fence about how I feel about taking the job if it where offered to me. They where only interviewing one other person. I would need the high end of the pay band in order to make it worth my wild... can you imagine... I'd work 24 hours/week but I could potentially make only 3 or 4 thousand less then what I make now... uuurrrgghhhh that just sounds so awful. I won't know for another couple of weeks probably. Like I said I"m on the fence, great hours but no benefits, flexibility to what extreme. where I am now I have a reasonable benefits package, I've put in 3 years so I'm up to 15 days vacation this year starting July 25, 6% of my gross rrsp contribution and I don't have to put a cent in if I don't want to, seasonal bonuses, they are ablivious to what I do exactly and how long it takes me to do things... something I can knock off in 5 minutes can be stretched out for a couple of hours. BUT I'm stressed to the max most days here, never knowing what mood "she" will be in and what kind of shit storm she's about to unleash on us or who's turn it is today.... part of me worries that if I stay here will the stress be too much and we won't be able to conceive.

that's enough of a rant for now we'll see how the next couple of weeks plays out. who knows maybe I have a winning lotto ticket in my wallet! :-) lol

Tuesday, June 17

OH MY GOD...... a simple phone call or rather email can just flip your world upside down.

I FINALLY got an interview at one of the two jobs I had my resume out to. Its a part-time job at the college and although I would make a little less then what I make now (working full-time, yes I know I shake my head everyday) it would allow me the freedom to put more time into my business... which I love so much!!! I've lost that part of me, the drive, the ambition to do, to go after things.

I'm so excited I could just burst!!!!

Interview is Thursday at 2pm, I'm off to buy a new outfit after work then it will be long hours on the computer as I tidy up and prep my digital portfolio.

Some other details. I would be working for one of my teachers from the web program in 2001, who's just a little older then me and who is more like a friend then a teacher figure (I could seriously learn so much from this woman and I'm psyched at the chance to work for her).... I worked at the college on contract for 18 months after graduating... I continue to do work for one department as event photographer when needed... the last time I had an interview at the college for the co-op that led to the 14 months worth of contracts I nailed it.... I need that girl to surface on Thursday and I can feel her bubbling up!!!!! :-)

What did I find to eat earlier? a ceasar salad + raspberries
I hate eating!!!
I'm sitting here at work hungry but I don't know what I want to eat. nothing feels right... everything feels wrong, like I'm doing something wrong and I just wish I could avoid hunger all together and keep on working but I know I have to eat something.

Friday, June 13

ahhhhhhh finally time for another weekend.

we're off to the lake house again to chill out (also known as work your butt off and get stuff off Tina's list of things to do done)

I've booked an appointment with a psychologist not because I think I'm loosing it but because I don't want to find myself there eventually. Just need to sort out my relationship with my mom and what not I'm sure it will bring some stuff up and I'll be journaling like crazy.

have a great weekend!!!

Wednesday, June 11

I have never done this before BUT I have to see it again. gf from work and I are going to see sex and the city again tonight. lol I have never gone to see a movie a second time in the theater... I'm usually content to wait for the DVD release but this is different!!! Just love it!!
I'm leaving on a jet plane.....

first I booked a trip for me and then Jamie decided he wanted to come too and luckily was given the time off. love seat sales!

I'm heading to Halifax Aug. 19th (early morning) and then Jamie will follow Aug. 20 (very late at night so he can get 2 more days of work in. Which is still perfect because I'll get a couple of days in with my girlfriend Kiran before he arrives. Friday we'll be heading to Fredericton NB to stay with my sister who will be in her first home by this time. I can't believe my sister and her beau have a house!!! so excited for them.

The occasion other then a well deserved holiday is my mom's birthday, although its Sept. 2 we're surprising her. So Friday night will be a big dinner/gathering at my sister's and a big surprise for my mom!! yeah!!! hope the secret will be safe till then.

Hoping to do some touristy stuff. The citabel, ghost walk/hike maybe, peggy's cove, kings landing (I want to camp here twice, loved it!), freddy market... etc and just to finally have Jamie see where I grew up... we have been together for almost 5 years and he has yet to see anything more of the maritimes other then Saint John back in '04 when we flew in for my grampy's funeral.

Tuesday Aug. 26th with be spent in Saint John with my Nanny and then we're flying out of Saint John back to Toronto, get the car from park n' fly and drive back to Orillia to get our puppy... god I wish we could take him with us :-( He's staying with out neighbors where he already spends the whole day being loved and spoiled so he'll be okay but we'll still miss him like crazy. Next time we might drive so he can come too!! :-)

ahhh...... okay even I think THIS is a bight extreme

Friday, June 6

okay the scale... I have to tell you that I haven't been on it in over two weeks and my mind is finally starting to settle down. Yeah I still give it a quick thought before I jump in the shower each morning but I've decided I don't want it ruling my emotions now or ever. And today I realized that my self image is starting to get back to where it use to be. Today I'm dressed pretty casual, black pants and a nice royal blue t and its hanging just right, I'm not feeling that bloated boat feeling that if I had of stepped on the scale this morning would follow me through my day. I wouldn't say my eating has been overly good but I'm giving myself permission right now to just "be" I'm not beating myself up mentally right now about what's going into my mouth... I'm asking myself what I want and eating it, reading and taking time out for me as much as possible right now.

And you know what?! Its working!!!

I heard from a girlfriend last night I haven't spoken too since October, she's coming up the end of the month for a girls night - this feels so good as I've been feeling kinda sad about the lack of girlfriends in my life, yes I have gf but they are spread all over the place and they are all from different chapters in my life so I can't just have a lets all get together weekend so I can see everyone.

I had a call from another small business person today that wants to do some cross promotion with me!! YES!!! I have been neglecting my business recently (thank goodness for the full-time job that allows me to do that) but I'm looking forward to scheduling some more sessions... I feel so content when I have the opportunity to photograph someone and show them how beautiful and special they are.. this is especially true with women and the expectant moms that come in.

And I finally feel like my behaviour right now is the most constructive (in a very long time is feels) in our effort to start a family. By putting those books away and stopping all the methods I was using to track my cycle I'm feel more and more at peace with my body and starting to trust it again.

And those damn caterpillars are gone, gone, gone!!!!! yes!!!

Thursday, June 5

I know some people would think I'm crazy but I can't be outdoors with these creepy crawlies all over the place.

Eastern tent catapillers......GAWD!!!! My skin just crawls thinking about them and we have one tree (cherry) that has about 6 nests in it and it is partly hanging over our wonderful deck with beautiful view where we spend a lot of evening dinners BUT I have yet to do so this year. I can NOT stand these things. I've been tramatized as a child, one summer in NB they where so bad I can remember trying to walk home and jumping from spot to spot on the pavement where they weren't crawling around, it was so bad you could barely see pavement. I was probably about 5.

I just want them gone and finally after many calls to insect people, tree people and landscapers someone has agreed to take them away. THANK YOU SCOTT!!! Scott: "yeah I'm here at your house and I can cut them out and take everything away yada yada yada and it'll cost $100 bucks........." I didn't even let him finish the sentence as soon as I heard he'd do it and for 100 I just said "DO IT"

So maybe some might think I'm crazy but I want to enjoy our yard this summer and this is what I need in order to do it. not that I won't be looking over my shoulder all summer and soaking the tree in soapy water repeatedly. But at least I know they won't be falling from th sky!!!

Even my dad last night was all "what's the big deal.. and that will cost money to have someone remove them" my reply... "I don't care... I want them gone!!!"

I'm such a girl... but I don't care. My sweet husband has been so patient with me.. I love him!!

Friday, May 30

Wednesday, May 28

I've booked an appointment with a naturopathic dr. and friend of mine for saturday morning.

I know she can give me some insight into what I'm struggling with etc and relieve some of my concerns about putting off baby making for a little while so I can focus on me.

Scale is still tucked away in the cupboard (thank god). And I have absolutely no plans of taking it out anytime soon.

I'm still looking for a new job.. my sweet husband even suggested going to work in retail again just to get away from my current job/micro-manager B*tch. As I said in my comment on Jess's blog

... the more and more I struggle with my weight and my lack of motivation I understand better then ever that loosing weight and becoming pregnant may never happen the way I want it to staying in this current job.

On the up side said b*tch is not in the office this week and possibly next!!!! I can hear the angels singing and another upside... I have now 15 days vacation to use up after july25th instead of the 10 I've had the last three years. I think I'm going to take an entire week off. I didn't even take 5 days in a row when we got married 2 years ago!!!! I think I've earned it. :-)

Finished Dr. Greene's fertility plan book. Hoping naturopath will recommend a solid multi I can start taking that includes some of his recommendations. About 30+ pages into emotional eating book and can I just say holy crap!!! When I read about her being in the grocery store and taking healthy stuff and adding it to the basket so those around her wouldn't judge her for eating so poorly (cookie dough etc) I wanted to scream YESSSSSSS I have so done this time and time again. I'm totally convinced that the people at the grocery store and the cashier (love self checkouts now) are judging me and thinking "she should SO not be eating that"

Walks with Daytona have been going good. I pick him up from my neighbors place and we head straight out on our walk. I don't even stop to sit down, bathroom break, pop bag, iPod on and off we go. Last night I listened to New Kids on the Block.. yeah that's right, NKOTB!! lol I'm not ashamed to admit it. LOL Weekend in Hanover was awesome, and even did some heavy lifting of some patio stones, LOTS of patio stones and drove the dump truck... next time I'm going to get my dear husband to show me how to use the tractor.

Our 2 year anniversary was Monday and instead of cards or little gifts we bought ourselves a new king sized mattress. We're on a queen right now. It arrives this Saturday and I can't wait!!!

Thursday, May 22

1. 2 hard boiled eggs
2. yogurt + rass./blackberries
3. olives + 3 pieces flat bread (150) + baby bell + hummus + tomatoes
4. popcorn + bean salad
5. not sure yet - tacos, not great but not swiss chalet which was my husband's first choice.
6. ice cream bar

Walk: 45 min with Daytona right after work

Wednesday, May 21

I'm trying to grasp emotional eating. My dad and I had a chat this weekend (we usually do this whenever I'm feelin' down). He knows me extremely well and he knows I've been down lately so we got chatting and I got some tears out and a big hug and I'm feeling not quite so overwhelmed. My self talk is horribly destructive and I know it, I know everything I need to know to succeed at weight loss I just end up saying F**k it and eat another sugary/salty crap.... its so overwhelming and the desire to see results quickly is unreasonable and I just throw my hands up and somehow manage to justify eating the things I know I shouldn't. I'm a TOTAL emotional eater (I'm ordering the book from amazon today!!) I need to overcome that, stop beating myself up all the time and I know I can make the weight loss happen.

I know what family looks like for Jamie and I and I've been feelin' so depressed that even the incentive of a healthy pregnancy, happy baby isn't enough of to make me want to do the right things to get there. I'm taking the pressure of trying off of us for now. I don't want to get pregnant at 220lbs!!! Not to mention my husband is a marine technician and has been going full out 70-80 hours 6 days a week for the last 2 months. I need to get my emotional eating and those trigger, as well as the awful self-talk under control so I can be a great mommy.

I've put my scale away!

I'm going to take a walk every single day for the next two weeks.

I'm going to eat as well as I can and not beat myself up, my focus is making walking a habit the next two weeks.

I'm going to catch up/finish the books that are most important to me. Dr. Greene fertility plan + emotional eating book.

I'm going to keep my ipod in my jacket so I don't forget it.

Food Today! UPdated!
1. kashi cereal + s.milk + 1/2 cup rass. n' blackberries
2. bean salad + c. tomatoes + olives + ww pita + baby bell cheese + hummus
3. pear yogurt
4. baby bell + 1/2 piece of flat bread
5. steak + corn/onions/potato
6. ice cream bar

Walk: 25 minutes from work (up to the bank, deposit and back again - 2 birds with one stone) + 45 minutes with Daytona when I got home. I even walked in the rain, which would normally be an easy way out of getting the walk in.

Yesterday however looked something like this:
1. carrot/ww muffin from Tims + g. tea
2. chocolate chip muffin
3. wendy's jr. bacon cheeseburger + fries + 1/2 root beer + frosty
4. samosas + olives + hummus + sesame flat bread
5. 2 ice cream bars (300 cal)

Home just after 5, crazy quick clean of the kitchen, trip to pick up veggies/fruit before cp closes, back to the house (forgot ipod) drop veggies/fruit and then to chiropractor, then for a walk at the park/waterfront, then to zehrs for afew more things, home again to clean out the fridge (garbage day/recycling cleaned up and sorted), prep a little dinner/snack and sat down to read/listen to tv at 8:45pm, bed at 11pm

Walk: 45 minutes on the waterfront with Daytona

Friday, May 9

Wednesday, May 7

I have a super full lunch box today! And I was so suprized how quickly I was able to pack it. Running late this morning I opened up the fridge thinking "Oh crap" what am I going to have for lunch and then BAM!

- large salad
- chopped up bbq chicken breast
- blueberries
- 2 hard boiled eggs
- kiwi
- my vitamins
- salad dressing
- strawberries
- yogurt

Probably won't eat everything but I was so pleased with myself that even running late this a.m. I have my lunch and I'm not coping out and heading to Wendy's for lunch!

If the rain holds off I'm planning on getting in another walk today. I set of goal for myself this month of 2 walks from work a week, ipod in hand!

Tuesday, May 6

1. ww toast w/PB + s.milk
2. banana (large banana)
3. more leftovers + blueberries
4. salad + 2 bbq chicken thighs + dressing

drive home and pick up Daytona
awesome walk with Daytona around part of our waterfront/trails
clean up the kitchen
make dinner
sat down to eat at 8pm!

Monday, May 5


I took my 30 minute lunch away from my desk and went for a walk!!!!
1.38 miles/2.22km, I can feel my legs firing. I'm kinda suprised I made it around in 30 minutes with the wind working against me for the better part of the walk and I was heading up hill for 1/3 of it.

I feel good, I feel alive! I have promised myself that I'm going to focus on one day, one day at a time. ONE day! I can do one day.

I have been asking myself this morning what will I do today for me, for my health and for all I want to achieve?
holy yikes! tonight is it... the first class of my 10 weeks of learn how to roller blade. I really hope its a good class. I do want to learn but it freaks me out how it will be taught, how much experience other people will have, whether or not I'll make a total ass of myself and so on. I figure since its a 10 week thing... the are going to start with the basics. I don't even plan to put on my roller blades until someone tells me to. lol

1. ww toast w/PB + skim milk
2. banana
3. leftovers from last night (roast beef, potatoes, carrots, onion)
4. blueberries
5. more leftovers
6. dairy queen (husband brought home blizzards after his training tonight and I eat it) 770
He has been informed this is not to be a regular thing and we're knocking the treat factor down to one a week.

On the dog front. Remember how our Daytona was only getting 5 min. instead of his 30-45 minute walks? well last week was Daytona's first full week with our neighbour Rose. And by day 2 I felt like I was dropping my kid off to daycare for the day. I mean really that's what I'm doing. Rose has been amazing, he's been there all day.. she has a key to the house so he could spend the afternoon at home but she's kept him all day long! And when I pick him up I get the rundown on his day... which I love.. and Rose has a dog too, Teddy.. so he's still gettng socialized to dogs at the same time. I love knowing he had fun, was good and is learning and listening to someone else as well as he does us. I even pack his bag... the usually toys, treats, food/dish and a kong with peanut butter sometimes. He's our boy, a very spoiled fur kid! lol

I feel so lucky to have such great neighbours!

Friday, May 2

The photo shoot was a great success last night!

One more hour to go... I'm looking forward to a veg out weekend. Jamie is working tomorrow so I'm going to catch up on some PVR'ed shows and reading my new books that arrived this week. And I want to watch Juno again, such a great movie!

1. 2 hard boiled eggs (150) + strawberries (65)
2. salad (66) + dressing (140) + pork chop (239)
3. 2 oatmeal raisin cookies (380)
one of our co-op students is done today so this is better then a pizza lunch
5. salad (66) + dressing (70) + steak + a taste of each side salad (potato + tuna/mac)
6. chocolate milk + chocolate ice cream

Total: who the hell knows

YEAH weekend!!!!

Thursday, May 1

1: yogurt (110), strawberries (65) , 2 hard boiled eggs (145)
2. small salad (66) + dressing (90)
3. leftovers (320?) + kiwi (56)
4. salad (66) + pork chop (239) + dressing (70)
5. watermelon (49) + strawberries (39)
Total: 1315

- finish clean up
- photo shoot at 7-9pm with new client (that's a workout, I'm always wiped after an evening shoot)

Wednesday, April 30


Originally uploaded by chaf.haddad
this is what's going on in my home town.... insane!!
I'm going to take an inventory this weekend of all the books and DVD's I own. I don't know why... well maybe to keep me from buying anymore. LOL Maybe just one more though...

I look up the emotional eating book green girl suggested. Totally makes sense to look in this direction to better myself, eating habits etc. And here's the website I'll do a little more research on the author but so far I like what I see. Thank you Green Girl!!!

1: ww toast (128) + peanut butter (95) + s.milk (86)
2: yogurt (110) + strawberries (65)
3: 2 hard boiled eggs (150)
4: salad (66) + pork chop (239) + dressing (180)
5: 2 slices roast beef (deli) (14) + 5 strawberries (65)
6: side salad (66)+ 1 tbsp. dressing (90) + home made hamburger helper style pasta dish (320?)

Total: 1674

- pictures of product for work (leaving early, thank god!) (check)
- walk with Daytona
- circuit (got me new DVD with Jillian Michaels... it was a perfect 20 minute intense workout) (check)
- clean up livingroom for photo shoot tomorrow night (check)

Tuesday, April 29

I think I've pin pointed why I can't keep up to a routine. I'm too focused on the big picture.

I get started.. yeah
I keep it up for a couple of weeks but then its just tooooo overwhelming the amount of weight I want to loose and then I sabotage my efforts again and again and again.

Why do I always focus on the big picture, why can't I just focus on today. this week, this month... why do I expect/ want the results... well... yesterday. And then in a couple more months I'll be kicking myself that I wasted all that time and I could have lost 10, 15, 20 lbs by now.

My limit use to be I don't want to get over 180, then 190 then no way I'll hit 200, no way 210 and now I'm 220. How did I get here??? how does this serve my body's needs, how does it ensure I'll be able to do all I want to do now and years from now?? Obesity is in our family on my mom's side, my aunt is very heavy and I use to wonder how she got that big, how did that happen but I can see it now.... the desire to feed my emotions good and bad with food is always there, a ticking time bomb of sorts, my self talk is all over the board, my mood from day to day is up and down and sometimes WAY down. This isn't the me I know I can be or want to be but I want to go eat an entire box of cookies, cake, pie, chips, donuts, fast food and sulk then do something about it.

I have some new books + a dvd coming from amazon.ca, they should be here by Friday. Jillian Michael's book + new dvd, chronicles of trying to conceive and a fertility diet book by dr. greene however that said I think we'll be taking a break from trying this month. its just so intense waiting for the period, hoping you won't get it... and I need to look after me first. I know I've been up and down on this over and over again just like weight loss but I've been saying for years that I wanted to get healthy before having a baby. I'm not going to put a number on it but I need to take better care of me so I'll be able to take care of a child. No reflexology this month... instead I've decided to send Jamie... I know he'll enjoy it just as much as I do.

Tonight I will see my chiropractor (so time for an adjustment), walk the dog and do a circuit!

B: banana
L: left over chicken curry + sweet potatoes + strawberries
S: 2 slices of roast beef (deli) + 3 strawberries
D: bbq pork chop + salad + potato wedges (at least now they are gone)
S: green tea

I did it!!!
- Chiropractor (check)

- 40 minute walk with Daytona (check)
- warm up, circuit, cool down (check) done at 9:50pm but done!!!

Monday, April 28

What a great weekend. Lots of relaxing, fresh air and time with my husband, sister, dad and step mom.... pure perfection! Although I was pretty lazy, my sister and I both where. Dad wanted us to paint the bucket on the dump truck be we didn't think it was a good idea.

"sister, step mom, dad and of course, my brother Brandy" :-)

"truck bucket did get painted by my dad and step mom"

Sat. afternoon we took off and went into town for a little shop. Great little downtown... Hanover!

We watched movies, Jamie drove the tractor all over the place and built a road, flower bed, spread a bunch of gravel out and top soil too. He bottom was a little numb from sitting in the tractor all day but he loves it, says its better then playing with Tonka trucks. LOL We went for walks, sat out on the veranda, played with the doggies. Just a perfect weekend!

"he's so happy to be in Hanover"

more pictures posted to flickr

B: strawberries
L: leftovers (portobello mushroom, potato and steak)
S: large banana
D: curried chicken thighs w/peppers, onions and sweet potatoes
S: who knows, tea, hopefully nothing

Wednesday, April 23

I'm 30 today!!! The big 3-0 and honestly I'm kinda excited about it... no.... a lot excited!!!!

This morning on my drive in I was thinking about what I've been up to the last 10 years and then started visualizing all that the next 10 will hold.

The girls at work bought me wonderful cupcakes today and I rec'd a bouquet of flowers and another delivery is expected tonight, not sure who that's from though.

tomorrow night we are heading to the lakehouse... my sister is here! but I won't see her until tomorrow night, a perfectly relaxing 3 day weekend at the lakehouse!!!!! aaaaaahhhhhh I can't wait!!

For my birthday I've rec'd my new roller blades and the protective gear to go with them, my green tea, some new clothes and the movie Juno which I can't wait to watch this weekend!

Tuesday, April 22

B: cheerios + s.milk
L: large salad + greek dressing + bbq chicken
well no baby news this month but I'm good. I figure this just means I'm definitely going to have a chance to interview and GET that dream job I've got my eye on. The posting closes on Friday so fingers crossed I get a call early next week to interview. when one door closes another opens!!! :-)

Friday, April 18

I am so disappointed.

Yesterday when I got home and let Daytona out for a run my neighbor came over for a chat. She asked how long of a walk our dog walking service was suppose to be taking Daytona for.... I told her they leave us a note and it usually says 30 to 45 minutes on it. Well it turns out that's not happening, sometimes it does but for the most part its a 5-10 minute to the mail box three houses down and back. This is unacceptable! we pay $150/month for this service and that's discounted by $50 bucks cause they are friends of ours, alright we don't hang out on weekends or anything but they aren't people (husband/wife team) that we would have ever thought would pull something like this. To take advantage of our good nature this way and it hurts Daytona too. A mid-day visit of 5 minutes with a little walk is not fair, if anything it just gets him all worked up and back in the garage he goes for the rest of the day. The whole purpose of us hiring them was to give him a chance to get some energy out and break up his day until we arrived home again.

So the plan is I'm going to keep quite about what we know and just bluff and tell them we can't afford it anymore. Our neighbor who brought this to my attention also has a small dog and she's home all day (both neighbors to our right are home all day and they both noticed the same things). She offered to give him some time out of the garage in her fenced in backyard... so we're going to give that a try. She didn't ask for money but I'm going to pay her the same as I was paying them and I know Daytona will have company for the better part of the morning or afternoon.

Jamie is so disappointed because it would seem that inevitably his friends disappoint him or take advantage of him etc. And man the guilt that we are feelin' .... just awful. But a real wake up call for me to smarten up and get a walk in every single night, he deserves that and since hiring the walking service I've been slacking. I took Daytona for a really great walk last night. I just hate thinking about him getting his hopes up and then its a little 5 minute to the mailboxes and back.

Look at this face, how can you not love him to bits and give him all he deserves.*Little Daytona background. He was abandoned in Kitchener around a month old. Rescued by the Humane Society of KW where he had lots of shots and pediatric neutering before we found him online and rushed to Kitchener the following day hoping we would be approved for his adoption. It was March and we got to take him home that day!!!! He weighed about 15 lbs and he's now about 15months (38lbs) and full on puppy energy still but so obedient and wanting to please. He goes just about everywhere with us other then to work... well actually he goes with Jamie to work some Saturday mornings during the winter when Jamie had to blow snow, he loves riding in the big tractor there and at my dad's place in Hanover. He loves Gwen Stefani music, veggies, sleeping on the bed in the guest bedroom, playing with his (fur) uncle Brandy and chilling with us at night.

Thursday, April 17

still waiting. tomorrow starts the countdown Day 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!!!

the test strips i purchased say you can test between 7-10 days post ovulation but I'm going to stick to my original birthday test date plan!

*fingers crossed*

Friday, April 11

And now we wait. The waiting is always killer, so I need to keep myself super busy and distracted. What is kind of exciting is that my test date is my birthday, my 30th birthday. How amazing would it be to learn on my 30th birthday that I'm pregnant!?!!!!

I added OPK test strips to our trying to conceive efforts this month and I went back and checked how many months out of the last 7 we actually "tried" and its 4 months, not the last 7 so how can I be discouraged by that?! It's not a lot, its not like we have been trying for 12 consecutive months.

My reflexology session was so amazing last week and I made a point of visualizing what our little one might look like, saw my husband sleeping on the couch with him/her sleeping on his chest, saw myself sitting in bed with our baby in my lap, held up nose to nose, saw my husband coming home anxious to hold him/her - such an amazing smile on his face, not far from the expression he shares with me at the end of each day and I saw us spending time on the waterfront, walking, strollering along and weekends playing at the cottage, him/her a toddler running around and giggling and big hugs for my dad and step mom. Before the session even began she said you are ready, I can feel your energy and you are ready to become a mom so don't doubt yourself. It was so reassuring to hear that.

I should mention that I use fertilityfriend.com to track my cycle and our trying to conceive (TTC) efforts.

Tuesday, April 8

I'm pooped!

Our weekend was very productive. Couple of photo shoots on Saturday and then Sunday was spent doing things we wanted to get done but just hadn't gotten to it yet. First up was the garage, more purging done there, sorting, tidy up, sweep etc. And then I also shortened a curtain (I've been meaning to do that for a REALLY long time) for the upstairs bathroom and also bought and hung new curtains in the livingroom. An awesome brown colour, I bought two sets this time so it looks fuller and so much better. We've got a brown theme going with our new furniture from Ikea and the curtains. Next up will be the wall colour. Its not bad now but would like to freshen it up in the near future but there are projects to be done before we buy the paint.

This weekend I'm looking forward to doing my small business 2007 bookkeeping! HA! I don't know how I manage to do this to myself every year. I always end up spending a weekend working on finalizing everything everything and then get it to my accountant. brutal! then the weekend after that my mom and her boyfriend are coming to visit. After that my sister! I'm really looking forward to her visit.

Anyways just wanted to drop a post as I haven't been doing a very good job at blogging lately. :-)

Tuesday, April 1


love April... new beginnings... spring is finally in sight... birthday countdown (and its a big one 3-0)... my mom is coming to visit... then my sister too.

Work has been crazy, why go into detail though it'll just confuse people. I seriously work for the most "gifted" of all family run businesses, a family run business that likes to spend money on outside sources vs. paying their employees more appropriately, especially when said employee can do the work herself.

Got the journal, haven't started writing in it. Eating has been okay, getting in lots of water and spending time purging and cleaning my home. I seem to do this when I'm setting myself up for another run at weight loss. I tidy the house, good cleaning, organize things, put everything in its place, purge whatever I possibly can. Although this is also due to pending visits from family. lol

Weekend was great... we splurged a little and picked up the new tv stand and large bookcase for our living room from IKEA we've had our eye on for awhile. Again trying to minimize & organize. This makes my husband very happy! lol

Next up is the garage, I have minimized the stuff I've carted around in the last 10+ years but I know I can do more. I'm going to go through what is out there and purge some more and try and take some pictures of things for memories sake and then send it onto goodwill. I have narrowed down the childhood memory box to 2 rubbermaids but its the cases of negatives from my time at Sheridan College and projects mounted on press board, if it isn't hanging in my livingroom I really should just let it go. After that's done I want to move onto the master bedroom. Purge more from our closet and install a closet organizer so I can get rid of a dress and open up that area some more as I use it as my workout area, usually, we also have the elliptical there and it's taking up more room then I would have imagined.

Monday, March 31

you know how you had friends from school and then slowly but surely you loose touch but still now and then you try and cross paths??? and usually its great and you spend an whole day or evening catching up and then you're good and life goes on.

I don't know why exactly but a lot of the friends I made in school where people that needed me for one thing or another then and then it was see you later. when I needed them they usually weren't there.

Do you remember how for your birthday your friend(s) would decorate you're locker? I always went all out for my closest friends I'd even bake something, cake/cupcakes, bring the video camera for the day. Just fun! For my birthday one year I was really hoping my "best friend" would do that for me, decorate my locker.... but no... nothing....until the end of the day as she was rushing to catch her bus she handed me a piece of paper "Happy Birthday" on it and basically said sorry she didn't have time to put it on my locker. Ah sweet memories!

Why the walk down memory lane?

Last week one of my gf from high school emails me to ask if she can come visit! I think wow, so exciting people want to come visit me this month (birthday) especially since its the big 3-0 this year.

she wanted to come next weekend.. I have two photo shoots on the Saturday but still I was thinking this is good, its been so long great to catch up even though it will be crazy busy. I've emailed her what I have that weekend and what I could do (can't take time off work but... and so on)

Then I don't hear from her for a day, next day I email, well??

her reply:
I just need you Friday night, Sat (when you're done photoshoots) and Sunday then to the airport.
If not doable or too rushy I can catch you next time I'm in town!

I'm thinking, you just need me? you mean you don't want to see me, you just need me. I should mention at this point that she has said she's trying to stay with a gf in TO and then with me in order to "save the company money on hotel costs"

So I'm thinking.... yeah this isn't going to work

my reply:
we'll try to cross paths next time maybe, need more notice, weekends book up this time of year.

her reply:

I haven't seen you in 4 years, a handful of phone calls and emails and you want me to foot the bill on gas/food etc in order to save your company some money????

I'm disappointed but unfortunately not at all surprised.