Monday, November 30


... I think... based on the cycle monitoring and the pains I had on my left side on Saturday night... kind of a cramp but more like muscle tiredness... that I did ovulate. That makes ovulation CD 21 - which based on the ov watch's predicted CD 18 is a little off so for now I'm taking some comfort in the fact that maybe we just keep on missing the perfect window of opportunity?! Maybe?

So let the 2 ww begin! I have a pretty packed schedule so hopefully it flies by (not to mention christmas and all the prep that goes with that.. OMG I feel tired already!)

Back to work!

Friday, November 27

CD 20 - 6th visit w/Wandy - 21mm!!!

OMG finally... 21mm!!!

I strongly believe that the acupuncture from Tuesday got things moving at a much better rate. Had I kept on growing at 1 mm (or less) a day I'd only be at 18mm... I'll take needles over early morning bloodwork and ultrasounds any day.

If we don't get our BFP this month I'll be up'ing the acupuncture treatments for sure!

As you can see from my chart... the BD has been in full effect.. my poor husband is tired, we both are, but want this too much to risk not having sex every other day at this point.... You can also see on my chart that based on the ov watch I obviously have not ovulated on CD 18 as it predicted. So if you are using the ov watch (in my opinion)... keep on BD'ing for a 4-5 day period after you get the "O" day. I'm still going to keep using the ov watch because I do like that it gives us a starting point... let's us know the window is opening.

Just got an email from my ND... she can fit me in for acupuncture at 11:30am.. a try to bust the follicle session! Her words not mine but I like the way she thinks. I'm feeling very lucky to have an ND for a friend and that her office is a 2 minute drive from my workplace.

I'm hoping just maybe, finally I'll get the best Christmas wish of all TIME!

Happy Friday everyone!!! And Happy Thanksgiving to those of you in the USA! I so wish I was brave enough to shop a black Friday... maybe someday :-)

Wednesday, November 25

brother in law update

Sunday we spend the day with my BIL, his fiance, and my in-laws... it was kinda nice to be together again without so much time between visits. My DH looked after getting all the winter tires on their 2 cars as BIL isn't able to do it and also had a look at the starter that's acting up on one of the cars too.

They now have a diagnosis of hodgkins-lymphoma but are still waiting on the stage and "number" after more tests to follow this week. With possible chemo starting in the next 1 to 2 weeks. Doctors believe the mass on his lungs has been growing for the last 6-7 months making this obviously an aggressive cancer and prompting them to take action and not letting them wait till after the holidays to start treatment. Bone marrow test was monday and I have no idea if they have the results yet but his fiance said it went well... and then he had the gallium injection yesterday, another appointment thrusday and scan is Friday.

It was nice to see my MIL open up a little bit about her feelings of quilt and wonder if this is her fault but she did go on to say she knows it isn't and she also knows this fight will be a private personal battle for her son. She is just so disconnected from her boys and their lives... I don't believe she really knows them, what interests them or how they feel about their parents. She just doesn't take the time to listen and ask questions.

CD 18 - 5th visit w/Wandy - 16mm

only 16mm (was 15mm monday)... back again friday... I'm so tired! My lining is good (think it was 14) but of course if that gets too thick then no implantation.

oh and I got the "new u/s girl" who though my hole should be a little further left and then PUSHED! She says... "is that okay?"

me: "Ah NO you aren't even in the hole" and then I put it where it needed to go... WTF!

so who knows maybe if the other tech had done it my measurement would have been 17 and not 16

RN said... classic PCOS at this point based on the numbers... I'm thinking clomid next month but waiting for head RN for the clinic to review and see what she might suggest at this point if AF shows... she's away at the moment

fasting blood work will happen CD 3-5 on my next cycle.

I'm feeling completely defeated... all this time slow poke follicles... and maybe missing the window even more... today the ov watch says it's ovulation day... AH NO!

so many needles in my tummy yesterday for acupuncture so maybe we'll see a growth spurt come Friday but it certainly hasn't been happening in the last couple of days.

Tuesday, November 24

Daytona Tuesday

This was taken on a scuba dive night. My DH just started this summer and here we have Daytona looking as though he's feeling rather left out as he watches the divers making their way back on to shore.

I'm likely telling him "no you can't swim out there... he's coming back just wait!"

Monday, November 23

another Monday

another Monday another visit with Wandy.

So far bitchy boss lady is keeping to herself and not bugging me. I've gone back to Jan. 1, 09 and actually made note of all the days I was late or stayed later and turns out that the company as it stands right now owes me 6.59 hours. So I'm breathing a sign of relief that I've got that to fall back on. Also have the doctor's note after my appointment Thursday which I'll be keeping to myself until boss lady tried to call that meeting she's threatened me with. Doc felt so bad for me he didn't even charge me for the note! And said... "she could get into a LOT of trouble for doing that... a LOT of trouble!"

So as of today the plan of action is this:

- Continue with cycle monitoring this month (today is CD 16, dominant follicle on left side is at 15mm... so it's poking along slowly... and we'll continue with the BDing every 36-48 hours as suggested for the IF clinic. Looks like I'll be back to see Wandy Wednesday and Friday at this rate.

- If AF shows her ugly head again then I'll be off to the lab for a full blood work... work up between CD 3-5 to check hormone levels etc... in search of PCOS... am I or am I not. I'm honestly so confused by this PCOS stuff because I'm kind on the boarder of the "classic symptoms" and I do have what I believe to be a pretty regular cycle. What does have me kinda excited about this possible diagnosis is that if it is PCOS and I start with a small dose of metformin if could help regulate my body enough to get some weight to start falling off. As hard as I've tried in the past this has always been a huge struggle for me. I can be the most consistent eater and exerciser but still might only loose a couple pounds in 2-3months. Seriously! How disappointing is that?! Doesn't make for a great sense of accomplishment too keep up healthier habits when the scale doesn't give you any love.

- So if metformin is the next step (and whatever else this cycle monitoring shows us) then we're thinking we'll leave the IUIs for Spring/Summer. My husband's job can be a little touch and go during the winter months (marine technician) so we just have to be careful with our money during the winter months. I'm sure if we aren't pregnant come spring we'll be chomping at the bit to get in for an IUI attempt! We are also saving and hoping to take a trip somewhere warm in March or April since we have yet to take a real "go far away" honeymoon.

- Back to the Dr. on Dec. 17th to discuss the PCOS blood work results... if AF shows. yadda yadda yadda... you know the drill

I feel good to still be moving forward with some kind of plan... if this happens we do this or try this or this is the next test we need to complete... or should I say I, I, I?!

I've been keeping up with the kick my ass yoga classes and we're still planning our meals every Sunday for the week ahead (thanks to my husband... he's so good to me). But I do feel sometimes like I'm spinning in circles. working full-time and running my small business can take it's toll... I have a few things I really just wish I could focus on for a full 8 hours at a time and I'd be good as gold and the pressure would lift... but I haven't been able to find my "get shit done and cross it off the list" mojo since all that crap last Monday/Tuesday with the bitchy boss lady. So even though I know her actions are not within my control and I've cried over it and moved on it's still lingering because I'm on pins and needles waiting for the other foot to drop and her to call me into her office for that "meeting with you to discuss the reason for these appointments"... I kinda know she's usually all talk but it's still getting in my way and keeping me from doing the things I need to do. Really hoping I can shake that this week.

Monday, November 16

upset and so frustrated

I just emailed some of my gf who I've leaned on through this TTC crap and so thought it best just to do a cut and paste so I can also share with you what is going on

last week I took an opportunity to tell my boss that I have medical testing happening that my doctor was sending me for and that I would be late some mornings but still here by 9am or just shortly after.

immediately she asked "for what" and I told her I didn't want to discuss it and then proceeded to tell her about my brother in law and his lymphoma diagnosis and that we had a lot on our plate at the moment and almost started to cry in front of her

this morning I emailed her to just let her and other HR person J (who knows what's going on) that I have testing tomorrow and also doctors appointment at 4pm on Thursday...

then I get this email: (K is the receptionist)

Ok thanks for letting us know.
Please advise K too.

Once you have completed these doctor's appointments, I would like to have a
meeting with you to discuss the reason for these appointments.

Thanks "nossy bitch"

I just spoke to J and she swears on her life that she has not given "nossy bitch" any indication about what is going on. "nossy bitch" actually went to J and asked if she knew what was going on and if she new anything else about my brother in law. She also told J that she was going to have a meeting with me to discuss these appointments... J told her that she was not allowed to do that and that the information was private until I decide to share it. J has not let on that she even knows what's going on.

I'm going to get a doctor's note from "Dr. HSG" Thursday and then tell her again that I'm not comfortable at this time discussing the reason for medical testing.

Basically from what I know now she figures she has a right to know because it is between the hours of 8:30 and 4:30pm when I'm on "her time"... this goes for everyone here I'm not the only one just the only one that I know of trying to get pregnant. Oh and just in case you weren't aware... I'm on fucking SALARY!!!!!

If she keeps pushing I'm going to have to present her with a note from my lawyer

Is it any wonder I'm not pregnant yet when I have this type of person to deal with?!!!!

Friday, November 13

is it procrastination or do a need a break?

I just can't seem to get my shit together this week. Yes I'm making it to work and everything but my productivity is at an all time lowwwww..... Usually I'm really good at getting things crossed of my list but sometimes it just feels like there is so much on it I couldn't possibly get it all done or at the very least put a dent in it. I think that comes from working full-time and trying to keep up with the demands of running my small business... sometimes it's busy and sometimes it isn't. Right now it's busy! I'm grateful! It's allowing me to go on a little shopping holiday with my step mom, step aunt and friend this weekend. But when I get back.. full steam ahead with what is left of the year... there is still time to get photo shoots in and orders to print and books and websites designed and launched... I have to keep on top of these things to keep my clients happy and keep me moving towards the goal of baby... mat leave... and full time self employment again.

I hope you have something planned to help you recharge your batteries as we take on the holiday season. This weekend I'm crossing Christmas shopping off my list :-)

Wednesday, November 11

To the moms (and moms to be) I know and appreciate...

I received this today from my ND and friend... I think it's an awesome read and something that I'm hoping for my own kids.

Paul Harvey Writes:
We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse.For my grandchildren, I'd like better. I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would. I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated. I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car. And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen. It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep. I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in. I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room, but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him. When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him/her. I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely. On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as un-cool as your Mom.

If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one. I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books. When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head. I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy/girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what Ivory soap tastes like. May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.

I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend. I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle. May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.

I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbour's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand. These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life. Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I'm here for you and if I die before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you.

Tuesday, November 10

another cycle - hello wandy

so Af arrived again on Sunday... I'm pretty much over it... no tears or anything waahooo! **high 5's all around** (have you figured out I'm a little sarcastic at times?) but seriously no tears just on with the show.

This month is kinda exciting I think as today I started my first ever cycle monitoring. I meet Wandy. Having experienced such a miserable HSG I wasn't entirely sure this was something I wanted to do but it was easy peasy... the RN even gave me the clip board and told me to write down the numbers so I was completely distracted from her rolling the thing around. Saw my uterus and ovaries... it's all kind of a blur but i remember that the uterus looked good, she measured my ovaries since it was my first time (presume these where ok too) and I have 2 follicals measuring 7mm each (but I couldn't tell you what side? are they suppose to have sides? will be googling that later this afternoon).

I feel somehow empower by the experience. It feels good to have these things coming back normal so long as I don't dwell on the "well why aren't I pregnant part". I'll be back on CD 10 next Tuesday and then those results will determine when I have to go back again. I'm also wearing the ov watch again this month (5th month) and I'm really curious to see how the cycle monitoring and the ov watch results compare. Will the watch get the 'O' day right? We shall see.

Also this month... the first appointment with Dr. HSG who will be my doctor from here on out as far as I know. I call him Dr. HSG cause that's the first time I met him. That's coming up on the 19th (CD 12)

We have a lot on our plates at the moment. My BIL has been diagnosed with Lymphoma (stage to be determined this week). He has 1 very large mass on his chest and one in his groin. Also on the list for the DR. HSG appointment... what tests should my husband be going for as well to make sure there isn't something that's lingering we don't know about. So that's fucking scary. My DH mom had Hodgkin's when the boys where younger but even my DH doesn't remember exactly how old she was. Her mass was on her neck though and she has been in remission for years. BIL is 30 and DH 32. Do any of you have experience in this area? Do you know what screening can be done? Is there only blood work?

I am so worried for my BIL and also his fiance... yes fiance... they just bought their first home together and had a wedding date set for May and now they aren't really sure what to do. I've told her to please lean on me if she needs to. BIL is one of the strong silent types, the whole family doesn't really come together that often and myself and his fiance didn't grow up that way. If something like this where happening to me I would want my family involved. She is hoping once he has the full diagnosis and plan of action in place that he will tell us (yeah we aren't suppose to technically know!!!). My husband worked in patient transfer... he's a volunteer firefighter in our community and he has his emergency response certifications. He has an acute understanding on what chemo and radiation if needed will do to his brother and he's worried... we are all very worried. And somehow living in the middle world before complete diagnosis and treatment starts... but so far doctors are saying it's treatable but I can't help but think they'd all say that at this point in the fight.

I realize life can't stop and we have to keep going 1 day at a time, 1 foot in front of the other and just keep making sure that BIL and future SIL know we are here if they need us.

Friday, November 6

CD 33 - DPO 19

still no AF and is it just me or has time ground to a haul? in some areas of my life time just flies by but right now the TTC still is running by slower then molasses!

*sigh* I guess someday when our little one is taking a nap and I have somehow managed to find the time to brows through old posts I'll laugh at myself for being in such a "rush" but really baby world... how long does a woman have to wait?!

Wednesday, November 4

CD 31 - 16 DPO

so here's where I'm at... still no period but wouldn't necessarily consider myself "late" just yet. I'm pretty regular with a 29-31 day cycle with the odd 34 here and there.

I did test Sunday morning but just used one of my very old tests that I don't entirely trust and it was DPO 13

Everytime my husband and I think about it or I ask him... should I test? We can't make up our minds.... For example last night he asks.. how late where you last time - "42 day cycle" and he says ok... wait till 42 days. There are just so many variables mixed in this month

- crazy long cycle never happens to me of 42 days but still blood test came back BFN
- HSG was done Oct. 8 (maybe that's all I needed was a good clean out to finally get knocked up)
- O day of 15... second month in a row that it's more on par with text book timing
- got really sick last tuesday and just now feeling about 98% better
- no period-ish feelings but maybe that's just because of the HSG?

so what do you think? I'm seriously trying not to think about it and I think part of me likes holding out hope that maybe, just maybe this could finally be it.

to test or not to test? and when???

I refuse to pay anymore for the FF vip stuff or temp because it would be driving
me round the loony bin about now so I've just added the "NF" for my ov watch
results to keep the graph expanding.