Monday, May 11

What is wrong with me?

Catching up on so many blogs I read via my google reader and there have been a number of mentions about Mother's Day and of course not so happy Mother's Day posts from those who are struggling with infertility.... so I ask myself... what is wrong with me?

Yesterday was just another day. I called my mom and when I called to wish my step mom a Happy Mother's Day too my dad commented on how great I sounded. At which time I teased him... "as compared to what exactly dad?" lol laughs all around hahaha... was it just because we weren't with family for the day?

Maybe it's just our lifestyle at the moment... we don't have a pile of friends who we see regularly or talk to regularly with babies or babies on the way... the one couple we do see now and then is my ND and her husband and their little man and well..... I enjoy my time with them... they TTC'ed for 2 years, so I know she gets it.

I've noticed that the moments of shear agony and upset over a pregnancy announcement are few and far between... a good cry, a day or two of feeling down and I'm good to go again.

I can't compare myself to any of these women online or in my own life. I feel excited for them to have become moms. I continue my photography work with expectant moms and newborns and I'm excited to share a small moment in time with them. My saturday was spent with 4 generations of women. A photo shoot, a 13 day old newborn little girl, her mom, grandmother and great grandmother and during our little breaks to comfort baby I just kind of sat in awe of them... feeling lucky to be a part of their day and watching them soak up all the newborn baby love.

Someone asked me once how I can do that.... photography of expectant moms and babies when we don't have a child to call our own yet.... and at the time I just answered because I love it.... but the question sat with me and well.... These women and children and families all around me are great and wonderful and it is their experience, their little one... not mine! I know that our day is coming and I know maybe this isn't what I anticipated but somehow I'm not entirely surprised by it either... my husband and I have both had our share of obstacles both in our single lives and together and we've overcome them... this obstacle will be no different.

Perhaps my tune will change if this journey to becoming a mom takes more and more time but for now I'm okay... I'm walking this journey and I'm learning so much about myself and I trust that this chapter will come to an end and we'll start another chapter as new parents to our own child.

Wednesday, May 6


I had the best sleep last night! Headed up to bed just after 9pm, finished watching 90210 and shortly after that I was out! I didn't even hear or stir when my husband come to bed which is crazy as its usually me coming to bed after him. He fell asleep too without turning the tv off and I woke up at 3am to some infomercial on the tv, turned it off and back to sleep.

It was one of those heavy heavy sleeps where the sleep grogginess of it stays with you for awhile.. I'm going to go to bed early again tonight! I love sleep. lol

I'm still wrapping my head around the cleanse and preparing myself with recipe ideas and what I can't put in my mouth. I'm going to give it a go starting this weekend. The goal is 1 month and I'll be blogging about it the whole way through.... any suggestions on vegan and/or gluten free recipes???

Friday, May 1

this morning

I am home.. ssssooo tired... no work today. I got a dr. note just so my boss will stay off my back.

Anyways appointment this morning went well... quick. And I had to wear a mask since I'm sick.

We're doing the SA for the husband and thyroid for me. From those results we'll take the next step. My memory is fuzzy but I think that was an ultrasound of my ovaries and then next would be a referral to the fertility clinic. I think I've left something out but can't remember what.

Based on my regular cycles and the pain I described to the dr. he doesn't feel that its necessarily endo so that's good. I didn't ask about the HSG test. Figure out if I have any thyroid issues first and go through the cleanse.

So after our appointment I went and had thyroid blood work done and we also got the requisition form and instructions for the semen analysis test. Our doctor said to call a week after we had dropped off the SA for the results... so now its getting the sample out of DH. I was very disappointed that the sample has to be dropped off to the lab as close to 12:30pm as possible on a weekday except Wednesday... fan fucking tastic. Urgh! I'm thinking I'll call to see if I can drop it off directly to the lab that will process it and if that will change the time I can drop it off. I guess when we drop it off to our hometown lab it has to go to Barrie a 30 minute drive from us.

I think the husband is still taking it in... he says that he of course doesn't want anything to be wrong with either of us but it just seems like way more of a bigger deal for him directly. I'm not entirely sure what's going on in that head of his but I just remind him that its one test for him and it could be a whole lot of them for me.

So what else will the month ahead bring? I'm going to give a cleanse my best shot. Basically I'm going vegan with some proteins in there to keep me from loosing my mind. This is all of course under the guidance of my ND and she made me promise to blog that it should only be done with the guidance of your ND as we are all different and what might work for one may not work for another.

There is a whole big list that goes with that but just based on the notes I took last night (as we had our appointment over the phone)
- vegan
- no dairy
- sweat everyday (hot baths/sauna)
- followed by cold splash over throat and neck to stimulate thyroid
- castor oil massage from below breasts to hips and abdomen
- loaf or brush the skin
- water like I've never drank water before
- lots of yoga
- 100 deep breaths a day
- not to consciously try to conceive while doing the cleanse as so many toxins will be released
- oh and to take Happy Sense there where 2 studies done that showed the group of women taking 5-HTP lost more weight then the group on the placebo (10lbs vs 2lbs in whatever amount of time the study was for... can't remember... if you're interested I'll get the info from my ND)

The happy sense makes well.... sense to me. I haven't really been myself lately... my ambition and drive isn't what it has been in the past and I know I'm susceptible to depression from past experiences. I've never taken a drug for depression, was prescribed something once a very long time ago as my parents where going through a separation (but I didn't feel a drug was the solution for me), I lost an entire month from school and I can feel that in my life at the moment... that despair of if only I could just stay home, stay in bed... I just don't want to do it. ND also recommended getting the Happy Sense going so that it will help me make it through the cleanse, which I'm hoping to sustain for at least a month.

oh that's a lot for now... my head is just pounding and I it's time to lay down again. I just wanted to touch base here because I have been so lucky to have a handful of women in my life who are cheering me on from the sidelines, supporting me as I take this journey to becoming a mom. Thank you so much ladies.. you know who you are. Hugs and love!