Daytona Tuesday

On the drive home from our weekend away in Tobermory we discovered another song that makes Daytona wanna sing (can't wait to get the newest iPhone so I can capture these moments on video).

This time is was KT Tunstall (Black Horse & The Cherry Tree)
but Gwen Stefani's Sweet Escape works every single time too.

Spirit Babies

Does anyone else have this book?
Do I want to read it, need to read it?
Will I find some comfort from reading it?

Daytona Tuesday

Another picture of my new furry little sister. We're off on a camping trip this weekend but next weekend I think we'll be heading to the cottage again for a visit with my dad and step mom... can't wait to see how she's changed in a months time :-)

CD 1

I can't keep doing what we've been doing at this point. Something must change and I believe that shift has to happen in my job. I took this position leaving behind self-employment, for two reasons... 1. mortgage and 2. mat leave. We got the house but now as I come up to my 5th year with this company I can't bare the thought of making it to a 6th. I'm not suppose to be here... I should have had 1 child already... I'm carrying another 50+ lbs since I started here... and this job is the one constant in my life that makes me sad and so very unhappy.

I'm reminded everyday of the stress from a boss who does not respect me or my well being by questioning when I'm late or what my doctors appointments are for. My abilities and effort are not respected or rewarded... that $500 raise I got this year is just a slap in the face as far as I'm concerned considering the time, energy and knowledge I've given.

It's time for change. I can't bring myself to put more money towards treatment when my stress level is so dependent on someone elses mood that day or week. I feel like I'm wasting money. I tried two cycles and it did not work so it's time for a new plan of action.

Thank god for my husband! He is behind me 100% and he too can see it now as I do what this job has taken from us. He wants to see his kids doing silly things, to play with them, to hold them... he sees it just as much as I do as we go about our daily lives.

So the plan is to search for 1 or 2 part-time employers... people/companies who can't afford or feel they need someone with my skill set in the office 5 days a week but I can show them what having me for X number of hours each week can do for them. It will be some leg work and research but I have a team I can turn to and then the most wonderful thing is it will allow me to spend more time on my business. Time to put all my own marketing ideas into motion to build that side of my career. The p/t work will just be that cushion as I make the transition back into f/t self-employment and plan for our family.

I'm scare, exhausted and uncomfortable but this feels like what I should have been doing years ago. This job has served a purpose but it is not going to allow me to get where I want to be next and so I must go. I am ready to live my life for me again.

CD 27 12 dpo

Test was negative this morning but still no aunt flow... so still hoping and praying for a BFP!

Daytona Tuesday

Laying on the couch the other night I look up from my pillow to see this....

what a dog...

CD 26, 11 dpo

so I've been taking it easy as of late. just trying to stay out of my head and preoccupied for the most part and I was doing really good at it until yesterday. DH was away all weekend and my mind started to wander and count and compare and well you know the drill.

So with every clomid cycle I seem to have a 27/28 day cycle so that said I think I'm going to POAS tomorrow morning. I have the day off to wait for the internet tech to come out to our home in the a.m. so I can have the day at home to be sad or jump for joy or remain completely in the dark as I wait for AF or BFP if I end up with a BFN tomorrow.

Last cycle I did only have 1 egg release, 1 iui and I had spotting on CD 25 but this cycle I had 2 (possibly 3) eggs release, 2 iui's and no spotting yet. I'm almost afraid to dream that we could possibly finally be pregnant. I was telling my therapist just last week that I've had so much disappointment I have no idea anymore of what kind of happiness and excitement a positive could bring. I'm too afraid of another negative result to really let my guard down and hope. I feel like it's coming soon but will it be this month or will I have to wait again

officially exhausted

I'm finally done being poked for this cycle (well other then acupuncture that is). And I just feel like I need a NAP!

I've been to u/s all 4 days of our short work week here and 2 iui's done early evening both Wednesday and Thursday. I think I may have released 2 follicles and there was a 30mm holding on this morning as well. Off to acupuncture this afternoon to make sure that one goes too but for now I am done! yeah!

Last night as I was heading home to pick up the "sample" there was an accident at the end of our street... thank god I didn't see it but as I was trying to drive past everything the woman was climbing out of the ditch her hands in the air screaming "stop, stop, stop". There where a lot of people that had stopped but I couldn't NOT stop too. I just pulled over and hugged her. She was shaking like a leaf and so worried about her granddaughter who had also been in the car but was out with her grandfather on the road. Everyone was ok just really shaken. So after I held this woman for awhile telling her everything was ok and everyone was fine the grandfather gives me this toddler and collapses to his knees shaking and holding his chest. I think he just needed a moment to absorb everything and once his granddaughter realized that she didn't know who I was she was reaching for him again in tears. And then I slipped away into my car to drive down our street to home so I could get you know what from my DH and head straight to the clinic. What a freaking night!

As my friend and ND said just the other day (even before this happened) "your baby wants a really good story!" And I would have to agree.

- RN's at clinic making sure I'm ok with twins
- 2 iui's (two different doctor's... think I've met them all now... lol)
- at least 2 mature released follicles released and maybe a 3rd today
- our 4th wedding anniversary
- possibility of DH being called away for work
- DH came with me to first IUI (first time he's seen me in that position with a dr. but he kept me laughing while we waited)
- and an accident

Here's hoping this is it and we'll be on our way to a healthy, happy baby of our own. :-)

Let the 2 week wait BEGIN!

My hopes for 2010 (revisited)

So as I did last year I'm just checking in with my hopes for 2010 as I know have almost a full 5 months under my belt this year.

My Hopes for 2010

... continue with my weekly small business meeting with 3 other women as we support each other to grow our business and tackle this list of things we always want and mean to do but never seem to get to. Putting the procrastination book and fast track phototog book on the list of tasks with this group so they'll keep me accountable

Having this small group of women to call back on and keep myself accountable for so many things that might otherwise fall off my radar has been so fantastic on so many levels... not just professionally but also emotionally. I don't even know that I have the words to express my appreciation for them in my life.... but I still have not finished those two books.

... want to purchase a new camera body and at least 2 lens

Nope not yet. So much of the extra funds have been swallowed up by credit cards payments and fertility treatments that until we renew the mortgage this fall and the expenses start to level out the money needs to go to these two things and not against new equipment just yet.

... I will keep up my yoga classes at the studio twice a week and a third class on Saturday morning whenever possible

pretty good overall... was doing 3 to 4 classes until I started up with the iui stuff. now I've been taking it a little easier... getting rest when I think I need it and not filling up my time after work so much. But I know I should really be walking more when I'm not hitting as many yoga classes

... to honour the importance Daytona plays in our lives. He provides us so much comedic relief on a daily basis he deserves a good play or walk as much as possible. When I think about a maternity leave I think about not having to leave him all day

he is the apple of our eye and he's been loving playing at the dog park again now that it's no so messy and cold outside. he's so exhausted from our weekend at the cottage with everyone... didn't stop much all weekend long. lol

... emotional eating... continue taking steps, however slowly, to make changes in my relationship with food

I'm aware and doing what I can without making it a huge issue at the moment. sometimes my strength wins and sometimes it looses but I'm ok with it being that way right now. I don't feel that my eating has been as extreme as it has been in the past. February we did amazing and cut out all the junk and sugar for an entire month. So I know in my mind that it can be done!

I see 2010 holding a big change in terms of my job... the company is a little shaky and I'm either going to find myself on mat leave by this time next year OR striking out on my own again with my small business. Ultimately this has always been the goal... the job was to get the mortgage and then a mat leave we just didn't think it would take this long to get pregnant... that said I can't help but believe that everything truly does happen for a reason. Now that I'm being more active in my business and making it grow again and taking control of the things that left me blind to how well my business was or wasn't doing (hello! bookkeeping done for 2009 already and not in april 2010!).

Feeling more on track then I ever have when it comes to growing my small business. there is a timeline that's been developing over the last couple of weeks. As we take on iui's and mortgage renewal and the lack of a pregnancy in our lives just yet. I feel more and more that until something shifts with this job I'm in I might never really be able to get that BFP that I've spent so much time running after. So I'll stay put for now and wait for mortgage renewal this fall and we'll probably clean up some debts at the same time and then I'll start to tackle the possibility of finding 1 or 2 part-time jobs that will use my skill set in web/graphic design, just to keep my foot in the "employee" side of things and that will leave me with so much more time to keep building my business and put all the exciting marketing ideas and plans into motion so my business continues to flourish right along with the life we want for ourselves.

4 years married!

Married 4 years and together for 7 years this October... hard to believe but it almost feels like he's always been there. We always laugh every single day, kisses, I love you's, hugs good-bye, hello and just because... with him I know we'll get over this hurdle life has thrown our way. That we'll learn just how strong we really are when we thought we couldn't handle anymore.

He's my 'handsome' and I'm his 'beautiful'.