Monday, May 11

What is wrong with me?

Catching up on so many blogs I read via my google reader and there have been a number of mentions about Mother's Day and of course not so happy Mother's Day posts from those who are struggling with infertility.... so I ask myself... what is wrong with me?

Yesterday was just another day. I called my mom and when I called to wish my step mom a Happy Mother's Day too my dad commented on how great I sounded. At which time I teased him... "as compared to what exactly dad?" lol laughs all around hahaha... was it just because we weren't with family for the day?

Maybe it's just our lifestyle at the moment... we don't have a pile of friends who we see regularly or talk to regularly with babies or babies on the way... the one couple we do see now and then is my ND and her husband and their little man and well..... I enjoy my time with them... they TTC'ed for 2 years, so I know she gets it.

I've noticed that the moments of shear agony and upset over a pregnancy announcement are few and far between... a good cry, a day or two of feeling down and I'm good to go again.

I can't compare myself to any of these women online or in my own life. I feel excited for them to have become moms. I continue my photography work with expectant moms and newborns and I'm excited to share a small moment in time with them. My saturday was spent with 4 generations of women. A photo shoot, a 13 day old newborn little girl, her mom, grandmother and great grandmother and during our little breaks to comfort baby I just kind of sat in awe of them... feeling lucky to be a part of their day and watching them soak up all the newborn baby love.

Someone asked me once how I can do that.... photography of expectant moms and babies when we don't have a child to call our own yet.... and at the time I just answered because I love it.... but the question sat with me and well.... These women and children and families all around me are great and wonderful and it is their experience, their little one... not mine! I know that our day is coming and I know maybe this isn't what I anticipated but somehow I'm not entirely surprised by it either... my husband and I have both had our share of obstacles both in our single lives and together and we've overcome them... this obstacle will be no different.

Perhaps my tune will change if this journey to becoming a mom takes more and more time but for now I'm okay... I'm walking this journey and I'm learning so much about myself and I trust that this chapter will come to an end and we'll start another chapter as new parents to our own child.


IVF Girl said...

Hey chicka,

I see you finally got some tests done. Good for you. Have you gotten any of the results yet? I'm glad your husband is on board. I wish you all the best. I've been trying not to think of things too much. I haven't been keeping up with my tweets,blog or reading other blogs. I guess I'm trying to stay positive and sometimes reading all that stuff makes me have a lot of doubts. Anyway, good luck with the rest of the tests. If you have any questions feel free to ask. I'm on the home stretch now only a few weeks left.

Malinda said...

no results yet... our doctor was pretty clear in that he wanted DH to get the SA done before we booked another appointment with him... So I'm hoping DH gets that done this week or next. I know it's been a month already but we had some other stuff distracting us from getting the SA done... but that's okay... it's all good!

good for you for keeping some distance between internet world of fertility and your own life!!! I think a break to unplug at the moment is important... this is all about you and no one else is going to have your story written on their blog.