I can hold up so much hope that this month I will have the best possible birthday gift... and then in the blink of an eye I struggle to not pick up the phone to schedule an appointment with the doctors office. My mood will dive so low its as if I already know that I will get my period this month and we where unsuccessful. But I have to hope and pray that this is it... if we conceived this month we'd have a new year baby and on top of my birthday coming up and the though of having a baby before 2010 just feels so exciting.
It's that 2 weeks of waiting... the am I or am I not? The praying please, oh please let it finally be time... with each month we want a child to call our own more and more. Trying to find distraction in each day to keep my mind occupied but feeling too paralyzed with fear of mourning another month without a baby, a first pregnancy to celebrate, that I just want to curl up and sleep, to not do anything.
I know I've probably said it a millions times in my head, a hundred times right here... but I think this month if we are not successful I will make the appointment.. even if its for as far away as June or later... I just need to start some kind of testing for myself and that 1 all important test for my DH so we might get some answers... I'm so regular, I know I'm ovulating... is it just my mind that keeps getting in my way?
Can you imagine if all this time I've just had a couple of blocked tubes that needed to be cleaned up? I hope it is something this simple, something 'fixable' if you will.
For my 31st birthday I'll be treating myself to either an ov watch or a couple of bella bands.
And tonight even though I ssssooooooooo do NOT want to go to yoga, I will go, just for the chance to have someone reminding me to breath.