stuggling

...feeling at the brink of tears this afternoon but at the same time ambitious, motivated, confused and hesitant.

I know that my naturopath has said lets wait till spring and if you aren't pregos by then we'll take the next step to the fertility clinic for some tests and timed ultrasounds. In my mind I'm starting to feel like this journey we are on is so close but yet so far away... as though I have more to do/go through before I'll get my positive pregnancy test.... what's more? maybe the ultrasounds and tests are inevitable and that's where I'm heading... maybe its endometriosis and I'm going to need that surgery before the year is out and all I can think right now it... lets just fucking do it then, lets schedule the tests and ultrasounds now and get moving...

If I wait until the spring to be referred to the fertility clinic and then have to wait more to get my first appointment and then have to wait some more for a surgery or something... we could be looking at the end of 2009 before we get all that accomplished and can move on to the baby making again. urgh!!!

If I had of known it would take this long I would have started as soon as we got married, but no one, NO ONE ever thinks it will take this long. BUT that said even though I feel likes its taking so long and we have been trying for a year and a half, out of that time we probably took a break a few months here and there so this past unsuccessful cycle would have been try 11, I think, but over all I feel like its been 3 years, between all the anticipation of starting to try, the rubella shot I got that summer in anticipation of ttc, the books I've read.

I think I'm at this point today, this afternoon because I looked at the cost of IVF etc and I just can't see us taking that path... not unless we where living debt free (minus car and mortgage of course) and I was 38 (I'll be 31 in April) but I don't want to have to take out a loan to have a baby, that could just bring all kinds of ugly with it, in my opinion.

whanwahnwhan.... *deep breath* done rant/vent for now.

really looking forward to a day/night with my gf who ust got back from a photographers tradeshow in Vegas!! can't wait to see you Margie!!! Need a girls night and of course need a night of talk, talk, talk about the photo biz and what we should be chomping off next.

nope

not this month...

waiting to test...

...is so frustrating at times but more then anything today I just feel blah... I feel the need to be quite, reflective, grateful for what I do have.

This past weekend I was working at the computer for most of it while my husband painted our living room an awesome new brown/grey colour and even put a fresh coat of paint on the kitchen and all the trim on our main floor... the house feels so fresh and clean it just makes me want to finish organizing everything.

We have some acquired furniture we want to clear out and with this quarter's volunteer fire pay we've decided to get a new couch! Which is exciting... the livingroom will be completely done minus maybe a couple more prints for the walls, a second ikea shelve for the other side of the tv stand and a new lamp maybe. I have that urge to purge, purge, purge and clear things out so our house continues to keep working for us. We've been in our house 3 years now and even though 3 years ago we probably would have thought we'd be moving in another couple of years... I'm quite content to just stay put. It was A LOT of work to get into our first home and as soon as we did the value of our home shot up $40,000... we'd like a little more yard room but we have a great deck that could just be made a little better, we're on a dead end street, there's a park down the street, a little room for a swing set out from and someday if we finish the top deck we'd have a little sancuary at the back of our home just for us. Its dd our house is build into a hill and from the top floor you can walk out a back door to a weed infested yard about 8 feet deep that runs the lenght of our house.

anyways who knew this would become a post about the house. hun?! lol

Anxious...

... about everything it seems lately. I can't wait to just work for the next 3 days on my own stuff.... on the tutorials for joomla, learning content management systems, cascading style sheets, search engine optimization and getting this new website build for my client who is opening her own yoga space March 2nd... so you can see there is a tight deadline. but its forcing me to take action and learn these new things that I've wanted to in order to update my skills since taking web design way back in 2001. I've been more focused on graphic and photography recently but updating my skills is really going to give me that boost to offer some awesome online solutions to existing and new clients! woohooo

And how sweet is this... my husband "you could just do the website in html and then do the joomla thing later, you know just in case its not coming together... you shouldn't be getting stressed out right now... that's not good"

So i had to promise him that if it wasn't coming together I would knock off the site in html (this would take me 4-5 hours max) AND then do it in joomla later.

I love him!

Filing is DONE!

... checked off the list... next up print orders!

Weather imposed Vacation Day

It's one of those not so nice days that you can't see.... freezing rain, warnings of more to come.

So I had to decide, DH didn't want me on the roads (I have a 30 minute drive on a good day to work), if I called in sick (duh, she's faking its the weather), if I called in weather (oh dear the stress that would come with that - my boss is so understanding.. NOT!).... so I called in Vacation day.... this seemed to hold the least amount of stress for taking the day and nobody can fault me for that, since I'm using one of my hard earned vacation days... Kinda sucks but at the same time I get to spend the day in PJ's and work on all the stuff I really want to be working on.... client stuff and some tutorials I'm in the middle of about CMS, Joomla and SEO... techy geek girl web design stuff.

So its going to be a productive day of learning and crossing things off my to do list.... like this pile of filing I need to do... can't get that done from the office! I've already separated it into business and another pile/tray for personal/home. woohooo..... lol

ouch!

okay last night acupuncture hurt a bight... I can handle it but it surprised me since it didn't really the last time.... so why this time? Because of where I am in my cycle. I've either just ovulated or its coming very soon.

baby dust this way please... fingers crossed for this month. :-)

My sweet husband has been so great this month... I guess with the new year its clicked for him just how much he wants to get our family started to. He's been poppin' the fertilaid and he makes me laugh everyday... which keeps the stress away... sometimes talking about the "window"and "is the window still open".... a recent text converstation included talk about the window to which he also said "is the porch light still on?" and "is the circus still in town?" Love him! LOL

in the thick of it

... another month of TTC

I have been very good at tracking my food etc and after my session w/my naturopath last week I was told to beef up the calorie intake to 1700/day as not to shock my body too much as we are TTC and I don't want my cycles to go all wacky. think I mentioned that last week.

I have another accupuncture session on Thursday!

Last night I actually came home, took a call from a client/friend briefly, then a quick walk with Daytona, weight lifting session, and then I did my yoga DVD... I didn't even think abou tit I just popped it in the DVD player and got down to my breathing and bending. I really think its helping me saty on track with everything else and keeping a level mood with regards to TTC.

I had the most wonderful photo session with my naturopath, her husband and their little guy, who is now 3 months old! He is just such a happy and content baby you can't help but smile looking at him. Since we have spent time together as couples hanging out, dinner and such my husband didn't have to hide away while we took pictures (focus was on just baby this time around) and they are dog lovers with two of their own so Daytona got to hang out too. He has always been good with the kids he's met before and it was nice to see him sniff this little guy and so obedient while I was shooting.

The first summer we had him we where getting ice cream at Kawartha Diary (I think Huntsville). Standing in the outside window line up there was a little tot who had obviously really enjoyed his ice cream and Daytona very carefully gave his stick hand a few licks... it was a pretty cute moment.