oh fuck

I just got a call... you know from the gf you haven't heard from in years but you use to share everything and she was your bff once upon a time and you did absolutely everything together and all you needed to decide friday after school was who's house you'd spend the weekend at.... but one day after a whole bunch of days that turned into months and years you hardly know what brought you together to begin with and the only time she calls is to share news.

I guess I knew it was coming... I knew that eventually it would probably be time for them to start their family. But I can't help but wonder why she called me... why she'd feel the need to share it with me when so much distance, so much of our lives have been on paths thousand of miles away emotionally. I'd probably do the same thing, she's 5 months, wanted to tell me for awhile but life gets in the way but she wanted me to know before he arrived.. a boy, due July. And then it takes all my strength to talk sweetly and excitedly and ask questions and to share. But I can't share everything, I can't rain on her parade. After all it's really always been about her... it's why we've drifted apart, I grew too tired to keep shining the light on her and her life.

I want to tell her how much I'm hurting. Confide in her what I've actual had to endure while she wasn't even thinking about babies and getting pregnant but what would be the point. Another milestone in our lives that she can probably never appreciate or know how to acknowledge what is my life and my reality. How can I expect her to do it today when she hasn't been able to do it since our friendship started 24 years ago.

'I'm on the right'
Off to our first high school Christmas formal
we both had dates but this shot was just for the two of us
Gr. 10 - 1993

I'm sorry, it wasn't all bad... we shared so much and I guess I just wish she was one of those friends I could count on today but she's not. So tonight I'm reminded of just how grateful I am for all of you and for the handful of friends I have in my life today that would do all those things you hope a best friend would do. And I'll wait to send the email to tell her how painful it has been to wait so long to become a mom but rest assured I will tell her someday.. I'll tell her when I call to share my own news...