I think I've pin pointed why I can't keep up to a routine. I'm too focused on the big picture.

I get started.. yeah
I keep it up for a couple of weeks but then its just tooooo overwhelming the amount of weight I want to loose and then I sabotage my efforts again and again and again.

Why do I always focus on the big picture, why can't I just focus on today. this week, this month... why do I expect/ want the results... well... yesterday. And then in a couple more months I'll be kicking myself that I wasted all that time and I could have lost 10, 15, 20 lbs by now.

My limit use to be I don't want to get over 180, then 190 then no way I'll hit 200, no way 210 and now I'm 220. How did I get here??? how does this serve my body's needs, how does it ensure I'll be able to do all I want to do now and years from now?? Obesity is in our family on my mom's side, my aunt is very heavy and I use to wonder how she got that big, how did that happen but I can see it now.... the desire to feed my emotions good and bad with food is always there, a ticking time bomb of sorts, my self talk is all over the board, my mood from day to day is up and down and sometimes WAY down. This isn't the me I know I can be or want to be but I want to go eat an entire box of cookies, cake, pie, chips, donuts, fast food and sulk then do something about it.

I have some new books + a dvd coming from amazon.ca, they should be here by Friday. Jillian Michael's book + new dvd, chronicles of trying to conceive and a fertility diet book by dr. greene however that said I think we'll be taking a break from trying this month. its just so intense waiting for the period, hoping you won't get it... and I need to look after me first. I know I've been up and down on this over and over again just like weight loss but I've been saying for years that I wanted to get healthy before having a baby. I'm not going to put a number on it but I need to take better care of me so I'll be able to take care of a child. No reflexology this month... instead I've decided to send Jamie... I know he'll enjoy it just as much as I do.

Tonight I will see my chiropractor (so time for an adjustment), walk the dog and do a circuit!

updated
B: banana
L: left over chicken curry + sweet potatoes + strawberries
S: 2 slices of roast beef (deli) + 3 strawberries
D: bbq pork chop + salad + potato wedges (at least now they are gone)
S: green tea

I did it!!!
- Chiropractor (check)
- 40 minute walk with Daytona (check)
- warm up, circuit, cool down (check) done at 9:50pm but done!!!