Monday, July 7

I'm such a downer today so click to another blog is you wish.

I tried to eat healthy this weekend and the only thing I got was a headache.... it was 10pm and I thought if I can just get to sleep but I couldn't do it and got up eat 3 cookies and a glass of milk before two tylenol and back to bed. I think I was trying to take on too much. working with a psychologist isn't a visible thing and you want to feel like you are making change.... yeah I know I've only been once but I've been thrown into thinking overdrive this weekend it would seem.

Friday night I got an email from a gf and I love her and I don't want to feel this way but she is pregnant and I cried like a baby friday night... and of course dh is so confused as to what I want but he lovingly held me and let me sob for awhile. I want to cry again just thinking about it all over again. He wants to do whatever I want to do and originally it was to wait till sept. but then friday night I was in "oh my god we have to start trying this month" I feel like I should honor my decision to wait till september but then at the same time I just want this so much at this point in my life that waiting almost feels like I'll end up waiting even longer and longer if we don't get pregnant.

I was always the responsible one... I didn't even start having sex till I was 19... and I've always known being a mom was something I wanted, always a part of the plan for myself and my husband. But I can't seem to let go of the worry and its making me sick, the worry and stress of TTC knocked my cycle out of wack, the stress of a kinda shit job has added 50lbs to my frame and a disturbing lack of ambition.

I have another session tomorrow morning. No word on that job yet but like I've said before I'm on the fence but if they called me right now I'd take it and run, run far far away from this place. somethings gotta give soon.

2 comments:

Christy said...

I'm thinking of you
xoxo

Cat_82 said...

This is a heartbreaking post. I have a friend in the same position as you, and it's so hard to see her around her pregnant friends. It's so strange that we spend all this time in our teens and early 20's trying not to get pregnant, that we never really stop to think that we may not be able to.

I think it's in the cards for you.....I can feel it! When the time is right, you will have your family. Try to relax and be good to yourself first....

I'm thinking of you and keeping my fingers crossed for you.