I had another session first thing this morning and i'm feeling tired but good.
holy crap! so I've always known I give too much of myself and today she pointed this out.... it appears to her and she pointed it out to me that I'm finally reevaluating my relationships with those around me. One in particular has been on my mind but I hadn't really decided to do anything about it. but when telling my counselor/psychologist whatever (we'll call her Anita) today about my most recent experience with this person her mouth dropped... (which kinda felt good and validated that yes that was inappropriate). So here's what happened. I do an exchange of services with someone at this point I would consider a friend but our interactions are only based on business it would seem. last time I saw her she was questioning why I hadn't been in for reflexology and I told her that dh and I had decided to take a break from TTC and I was starting TCM with my naturopath in preparation for TTC in the fall and she said "but isn't taking TCM really not taking a break?" I tried to fluff it off and just say well someday you'll understand what all this wanting and desire for family is like... her reply "Honestly Malinda I don't think I will" snicker snicker Like I'm crazy and obsessed and she couldn't even for a second empathize for me/with me... later I was being quite and could hardly breath, had to almost gasp for breath and the weight in my chest was extreme (was getting a massage from her).... after being quite she decided to strike up the conversation again... about her business. Now I know I've always asked questions because I do want her to do well but this exchange of services isn't working anymore. I deserve a peaceful and relaxing massage in exchange for all the graphic/web/photography work I've provided her and I'm not getting that. Another punch to the gut was when I tried to help correct an email issue she is having I discovered that my beautiful business cards are being used to prop up her LAPTOP!! And after so many years of working together she has another photographers work hanging in her space instead of my work... then I had to practically beg her to put mine up.... I don't think she sees a connection in how we can be cross promoting each other maybe that is because of where she is at in her life vs. where I'm at but still I deserve respect and acknowledgement for the work I've done and the effort I've put in ensuring she has a solid brand to present to her client base.
also learned that yes my work environment is toxic and even if the job I have yet to hear about at the college... I still need to keep looking for that new opportunity that is going to allow me to move past this place and onto something new.
I feel good, little nervous about the next step though... I just need to figure out how exactly to approach my friend about changing our working relationship. I deserve to have friends, clients and an employer who acknowledge and value my abilities and experience and its time to put that into play.