you know how you had friends from school and then slowly but surely you loose touch but still now and then you try and cross paths??? and usually its great and you spend an whole day or evening catching up and then you're good and life goes on.

I don't know why exactly but a lot of the friends I made in school where people that needed me for one thing or another then and then it was see you later. when I needed them they usually weren't there.

Do you remember how for your birthday your friend(s) would decorate you're locker? I always went all out for my closest friends I'd even bake something, cake/cupcakes, bring the video camera for the day. Just fun! For my birthday one year I was really hoping my "best friend" would do that for me, decorate my locker.... but no... nothing....until the end of the day as she was rushing to catch her bus she handed me a piece of paper "Happy Birthday" on it and basically said sorry she didn't have time to put it on my locker. Ah sweet memories!

Why the walk down memory lane?

Last week one of my gf from high school emails me to ask if she can come visit! I think wow, so exciting people want to come visit me this month (birthday) especially since its the big 3-0 this year.

she wanted to come next weekend.. I have two photo shoots on the Saturday but still I was thinking this is good, its been so long great to catch up even though it will be crazy busy. I've emailed her what I have that weekend and what I could do (can't take time off work but... and so on)

Then I don't hear from her for a day, next day I email, well??

her reply:
I just need you Friday night, Sat (when you're done photoshoots) and Sunday then to the airport.
If not doable or too rushy I can catch you next time I'm in town!

I'm thinking, you just need me? you mean you don't want to see me, you just need me. I should mention at this point that she has said she's trying to stay with a gf in TO and then with me in order to "save the company money on hotel costs"

So I'm thinking.... yeah this isn't going to work

my reply:
we'll try to cross paths next time maybe, need more notice, weekends book up this time of year.

her reply:
Frig!

I haven't seen you in 4 years, a handful of phone calls and emails and you want me to foot the bill on gas/food etc in order to save your company some money????

I'm disappointed but unfortunately not at all surprised.

oh she/it's here AF/TOM arrived! *huge sigh of relief*

that said I/we have decided to take a break from TTC. I have been flapping my lips for months/years about taking control of my weight and blah blah blah before we start a family so I'm dedicating the next three months to doing just that. I have to get my body, mind and spirit in a better place before we start TTC'ing again. And honestly I know it won't happen until I do just that.

holy crap..... I did it. My husband and I (well more him then me) wanted to take the "learn to roller blade" classes with parks and rec and I finally signed up today, we're good to go. Classes run for 10 weeks and start May 5th.
*huge gulp* Steppin' out of my box BIG time here.

Now I need to buy the roller blades and knee/wrist pads etc. I've got a helmet already.

A couple of quotes

"As we think so we become"



"Our attitude creates reality"

stress management

I'm looking into it, doing a little reading today, listening to podcasts etc.

On tap for this weekend.
- a workout or walk everyday
- clean up a couple of loose ends on client websites currently in development
- get the 2007 bookkeeping started, I hate that I leave this so late every year
- tie up as many loose ends as possible on my to do list
- submit a print order so I can whip that off my slate too
AND I'm going to start charting/temping again so I'll know next time if I don't/didn't ovulate, take the stress out of it. But its a such a catch 22, I can temp and chart and it keeps me in tune with my body but at the same time when it comes to that 2 week waiting period when you're waiting for the temp to rise and waiting for AF that it just causes stress of wondering if this time you where lucky enough to conceive.

Day 44 - still no AF

thinking of calling my doctor next week, not sure what he can do but just to tell someone what's going on... this is so out of the ordinary for me.

UPDATE:
emailed the forum/ladies on fertilityfriend.com and the thought is I'm experiencing an annovulatory cycle so a cycle in on the horizon sometime within the next month probably/maybe, till the lining just keeps on building up and has no where to go but out.

UPDATE #2: a little reading I did this afternoon
http://www.babyhopes.com/articles/anovulation.html

I PVR'ed a new show that premiered on sunday night TLC called I can make you thin with Paul Mckenna and finally got a chance to watch it last night. Was up too late but it was worth it. Its running for the next 5 weeks.

4 Golden Rules (week 1)

1. Eat when you are hungry
2. Eat what you want, not what you think you should.
3. Eat CONSCIOUSLY and enjoy every mouthful
(this consists of taking a bit and putting down the fork and knife and chewing it)
4. When you think you are full, STOP eating.

This all seems pretty much common sense but is it really? Do we consciously stop and think why did I put that in my mouth? Am I hungry or am I feeding an emotion? I''m looking forward to the emotional eating info.

I'm a complete and total emotional eater. huge confession here! I will and have hidden food from husband or family and eat it alone, I've crammed down 2 chocolate bars or grocery store donuts or 1 too many cream eggs in the very short drive home after buying groceries. I have argued with my husband to pick up the milk on his way home from work because I know I can't go into the grocery store and NOT binge on something terrible. I've waiting for my husband to go to bed so I can binge on something sweet that's leftover in the kitchen. I have made a detour in my drive in order to find a garbage can to throw out the fast food garbage or wrappers in an effort to not get caught.

*big gulp* here as I contemplate clicking on publish post. I've never put this down, I've never admitted what I've been doing for so long. Even when I lived alone, I use to feel like I was going to get caught eating so many/so much of the wrong things.

On a more uplifting note I made 4 lunch salads + dinner + 2 dinner salads + cut up all the veggies I bought and stored in fridge + hard boiled some eggs + I made cupcakes :-( what the hell! lol I'm not going to beat myself up over it though.

Now I'm going to stop what I'm doing and turn away from my computer while I enjoy a snack cause I'm hungry! Real hunger this time.

I'm a web/graphic designer and why oh why won't they trust that if its done that way it is for a reason, that I'm not a I just can't get over how pointless and stupid some of the tasks I'm asked to do at my job are. I can go into a meeting and we'll completely layout the changes to this or that and then they want a test site or proof and then still more changes happen to that even though I've already foreseen that and questioned it in the first meeting and it was fine then. rambling now but honestly something could be perfect and certain persons would still find something wrong with it or say "just make it a little bigger so I can see what that looks like"

I'm not a freakin'dumb ass, you hired me to do a job why question what I'm doing ALL the time! So time to move on....

my family is loosing it!!! LOL

first my MIL tells my husband that they want to become foster parents (I'm sorry but the only reason they are doing this is because they think they can make money, my stomach is turning just thinking about it and my husband is so hurt, they didn't support and encourage him in all he wanted to be and do so why now do they want to do it for someone else??)

second my sister called. my mom has been bugging her to ask me if she can come visit the same time my sister is coming in April..... what the he**. My parents are separated, my sister is staying with my dad and stepmom when she comes to visit and my husband and I will see her on the weekend when we are planning to go to Rochester for a little shopping, its my big 3-0 so I get what I want LOL what am I going to do with my mother if she was here two? seriously!!! this is typical of my mom's behaviour (I could write a book!), thank goodness my dad and stepmom are so easy going.

third, there is no third but give it time it's only 3:45pm!!!

well its a big fat NO, we are not pregnant. so that puts that to rest... now where is my period???? why now after all these years of avoiding pregnancy does AF give me the run around? urgh!!!

I took one test yesterday late afternoon and one this morning, both negative.

2 things that where different in the last couple of months was being very sick for almost two weeks and a reflexology appointment with a different reflexologist** then the first one I saw (on Feb. 14th). I should have got AF March 6th which was also when I started getting sick.

oh my goodness this is fun! *eyes rolling*


**saw a different reflexologist but one that was filling in for the first one I saw because reflexologist #1 is away for 2 months in Protugal... she's back in April.

i'm starting to realize that wanting to be and becoming pregnant are just about completely out of my/our control.

doing too much online reading... need to stop... but there are women out there that have a flow or even regular cycle even though they are pregnant and because of my current weight I can see how I could go without figuring out I'm pregnant for a little while, other then the tip off of a longer then usual cycle, this 39 day stuff is WAY out of the ordinary for me but the period first of Feb. (even though different then usual) is really throwing me off. I just have to keep out of my imagination and keep distracted for a while longer before I pick up a HPT.

I always thought when we started trying and I was doing the charting etc that come my first missed period I'd know right away. And now what? after trying for 5 months my cycle goes goofy on me? I have practically been able to predict my cycle to a t for years... I've always made an effort to note when it starts and stops.

anyways just a little rant :-)

off to the lake house tonight for a relaxing weekend with my dad and stepmom (aka Mama T). But first stop... a haircut after work. I'm thinking something different but I'll probably chicken out. I have naturally curly hair so I find it hard to part with the option of the ponytail/messy bun on the days I don't leave myself enough time before work, which works out to just about every other morning! lol

took a new profile pic today.

And here's a recent one of Mr. Daytona talkin'

FINALLY! I did it.... I made a lunch!

packed

b: cheerios, s.milk + strawberries
s: 2 hard boiled eggs
l: large salad + 2 small samosas
s: almonds + yogurt

Thought it was interesting that on the same day my boss returns from holidays Workopolis would post these two articles in their weekly newsletter.

_________________________________________

Tired all the time? Derek Cassels Many doctors will tell you the most common problem they see in their day-to-day practice is patients complaining they are tired. So tired in fact they find it difficult to function - and naturally that gets in the way of doing a good job or getting ahead in your career. Read more

The challenge of going back to work after a job-related burnout Mathieu Guénette, M. Ed., c.o., SPB Organizational Psychology Consultant No one is immune to a job-related burnout regardless of their profession, be that a machine operator, a manager, or a doctor. According to Statistics Canada, 3.4 million Canadian workers experienced a job-related burnout in 2004. Given that this trend is far from over, we thought it would be wise to explore the burnout phenomenon from a clinical perspective. In this article, we will attempt to better identify the issues facing employees on a job-related burnout and we will subsequently address a few organizational factors that can help these individuals get back to work. Read more

woohoooOOOOOO things are lookin' up.

Not only did my husband just call to tell me he's getting a $4.75/hour raise which is crazy and so good as our student who currently rents our basement bachelor apartment is leaving the end of the month BUT I also just got an email to shoot an annual event at the college. yes its something i shoot every year but its so awesome when they book so far in advance to ensure they have me! LOVE IT! Happy TUESDAY! oh and I have a pregnancy shoot tonight which totally makes up for having to sit at this desk all day today! now the icing on the cake would be to hear from a potential employer I sent my resume to over a week ago. *fingers crossed*

*big sigh*

I feel like I'm coasting... not really getting anywhere, going anywhere or getting anything accomplished. and to top it off last week was a total write off. I missed 3 days from work and that is stressful when you work where I work. you'd better have a doctors note cause they're going to want proof, the fact that I couldn't talk wasn't proof enough, oh no not for this place. so last monday night was spent at the walk-in clinic, yes you are are sick, its viral, let it runs its course.... okay can I have a doctors note please?... they cost $10, no problem work will want it. then my husband got it and it knocked him out for the week too.

so this week is that week of recovering from being sick, the week of being sleepy and trying to catch up on everything that didn't get done last week. I'm giving myself this week to clean up all that stuff and the house etc and then this weekend I'll get my lunch prep stuff done so I can get back on the wagon next week.