waiting

I can't believe it... already there is almost another window in our sights and it's almost time again!

I have not called the fertility clinic to book a consult and as my blog title says "everything happens for a reason". My husband really opened up on Saturday and how all this was making him feel and basically he feels as though I'm pushing 10 steps ahead instead of 1 step at a time. So after getting all that out in the open and better understanding each other I'm waiting a little longer before I book the consult. DH is going to get the SA done this week (I'm dropping it off to the outpatient lab tomorrow a.m.) then we'll follow up with our family doc for the results.

It's odd how a man's perspective on TTC can be so different from our own. I believe we have been trying for 2 years even though I know that if I counted the months we tried to hit the TTC window just right it's probably more like 14/15 months of trying. BUT my DH on the other hand only feels like we've really and truly been trying this year??!!! what?! And then when I look at the ov watch results vs. the timing of intercourse in previous months well.... we've been missing our mark I think.

It would seem that when you get further and further down this TTC journey and the baby you've been hoping to conceive each month doesn't come you get so wrapped up and distracted by all the babies and pregnancies around you. I've never been so acutely aware of the number of old high school friends on FB mentioning their pregnancies, pictures of newborns and then of course their is my little sister and her growing baby bump (thankfully no pictures of have appeared on FB and she's a few provinces away) and the revolting FB status updates of which I can't stand anymore so I have blocked her. Yes I have blocked my sister on FB and she hasn't even noticed yet because she is way to self absorbed in her own little universe to realize how her FB status updates might be hurting me.

I have done a lot of work to protect myself, my heart from not getting too wrapped up in things that aren't going to do me or my husband any good as we keep on TTCing. But regardless of our efforts in previous months and the lack of optimal timing, it doesn't get any easier to not be the one making the big announcement to our family and friends. I can honeslty say that other then my blog I may very well just hold onto our BFP secret as long as I can bear. To heal our hearts of all the disappointment and to exist blisssfully in the secret of the baby that's growing and the family that'll take shape in the coming months. Do you think you could do it? keep your lips sealed long enough till you had a little bump to show off? I hope I can. I think wanting to have our own little one on the way is the one thing I've wanted most in my life to date and I think we'll be able to hold onto that secret for as long as we can get away with.