The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, nor to worry about the future, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly.
- Buddha

time off...

... after today it's back to vacation mode or more like... get my own shit done mode... where I can dictate what I do or don't do in a day... not back to work until July 8th! oh that is going to be so wonderful :-)

Yesterday my DH and I both had the day off together and it was so awesome to have the day and do whatever we wanted.

today is CD 7 and 5 nights in with wearing the ov watch to bed... still reading NF which isn't a big surprise obviously.

So I'm hoping to give the house a really good once over... it needs it badly as we seem to have been doing the bare minimum with our busy schedules as of late but a clean house jut feels good and I can't stand the build up of clutter anymore. Why is it every time you purge a home and get it to one point that point eventually passes and you feel like you haven't done anything at all? Kinda frustrating.

Nothing new and exciting it would seem... just playing the waiting game until this little watch flashes "go time" lol

Happy Canada Day!!!!

exhausted

I am struggling this... oh crap it's still before noon? yuck. having a hard time focusing and keeping my eyes open. I just want to curl up and take a nap SO badly.

First night with the ov watch was uneventful... as expected it said NF (Not Fertile)... I do find the strap a little tight and I think I might order the strap extender... something they came up with because this is a usual complaint based on what I've read.

I am curious as to when the Fertile Day 1 will pop up... will it be the same day I think it is? The day I think it is hasn't worked to date! lol

Based on the months that I have bothered to try and get a positive OPK... they have been saying CD 17 or 22... that's quite the gap! Time will tell.......

Happy Weekend! My DH and I + dog are off to my dad and step mom's place just outside Hanover.... we like to call it the Lakehouse.. cottage just doesn't seem to work. So we'll be chill-axing up there this weekend and we both have Monday off so we'll get two full days out of the weekend before making our way home Monday morning. Then I work Tuesday before I'm off again and not back in the office until the following Wednesday... I hope I can make it a truly productive holiday!!!! so much I want to get done just need to keep my ambition flowing.

Michael Jackson

Yeah I know I'm sure you've seen all kinds of stuff about him and when I received the email via my iPhone while standing in line at the rogers store I just couldn't believe it... my thoughts went straight to his kids but then this morning... oh dear... of course my favorite radio station CHUM FM in Toronto is playing only his songs and talking about their memories and people are calling in telling their stories, their playing audio clips and I really started to remember all those memories, my own MJ memories from so very long ago. And maybe shed a tear or two for him and maybe more likely for my own childhood and what use to be, for those memories that don't stay close to the surface as they get pushed down further and further with all the to do's of what is my day to day life now.

So today I'm remembering my childhood and my Dad blasting music from his workshop, popping his head out to let us know... "I'm going to start the saw now".... "ok dad".....

IT'S HERE... OMG!!!

The OV watch arrived today and the fed ex guy read my note about all the options and he took it straight to my neighbors place and she signed for it!!! I knew I could count on her!!! She just called me to let me know the package was at her place.... I'M SO FREAKING EXCITED TO GET THIS THING!!! Can you imagine when we get a BFP!!! I want to sing and dance but I'm at work, in my cubicle and can't get this perma grin off my face!!!!

It's CD 2, perfect night to start wearing the watch.. way crazy cramps this morning... I actually stayed home till about 10:30 just to get the ibuprofin working good and of course my heating pad on HIGH!! Now sitting at my desk... with my heating pad on HIGH and popping some menstral tylenol and day dreaming about ripping into the package like a 4 year old on christmas morning!!!!

ov watch wait

okay even though I've ordered that little thing well in advance of when I needed it customs had a different plan and it has been held up in Mississauga waiting for the shipper to forward the appropriate paperwork... which I've been told now on two occasions that yes it has been and yesterday told that the watch will be released today to go out... I'm not the only one waiting for this thing... I can see via the tracking number they gave me that 12 orders went out on the 12th and 1 was actually delivered but the other 11 are still waiting for clearance?? and have been since June 15th!!!!!

I told the customer support lady that my body is waiting for this watch.. lol Until this morning I hadn't started my cycle yet and yesterday was CD 34... that is really odd for me but like I said it showed up this morning.

So I've left a note on the door today... "Hello Fed.Ex" asking that if no one is home to sign they can leave it with my neighbor or just leave a pick up card cause well we work and won't be home the next day either... so here is hoping that it gets here ASAP cause I have to start wearing it to bed today, Thursday or Friday for it to work this cycle.

Care to place any bets? I'm trying not to get my hopes up at this point that it will be here in time.. pretty bummed that we won't get to see the ov watch work its magic this month so let's hope my cycle doesn't last 34 days this time and a nice speedy 29 so we can put the ov watch to work.

little sister

so as I haven't really mentioned it again since last Saturday I thought it might be good to get some more down on the screen(paper)

after calling my dad yesterday to wish him a happy fathers day we ended up having one of our long chats as we sometimes do... and always do after my sister drops her latest bombshell on the family.

I've been kind of struggling with the idea of boundaries and how they apply to my relationships with those in my family. I want my dad to know that we are struggling but I don't want to give him all the details. And he reminded me yesterday that he is still there for me when I need him and it's okay to call and tell him as little as I need or want he won't pry and if I don't want to tell him that's okay too. It felt good to get that out there.

Excuse the rambling but just trying to remember various parts of the conversation in no particular order.

So of course we talked about my little sister and how neither of us is really surprised about her latest announcement. He told me that she was worried about telling me and felt bad... but I told him she didn't project that in our conversation when I kept trying to chance the subject and she wasn't getting it. And I confessed that I was sad that I wouldn't get to have the first grandchild but he reminded me that the first grandchild was her abortion all those years ago and that order doesn't exist in our family, first, second or third... it doesn't matter. Dad filled me in on some more shallowness of my sister.... he half expects her to call and say "i don't want to get that big right now so I had an abortion"... she's pretty absorbed in her appearance and pretty much believes that her happiness is based on the size of her waist.... so she isn't a healthy skinny with all the smoking & drinking. She does believe that she is better then me simply because she has lost a ton of weight which is odd considering she has spent the better part of her life trying to have what I had... the friends, boyfriends, clothes, husband, house... etc...

I have always been very mothering toward my sister... even once packing a bag for her to go visit my grandparents and asking her if she had any money, "no" and I gave her some of mine... just so she'd have a little in her pocket, I couldn't have been any older the 8 or 9 at the time. But I can't be mothering towards her right now... if she calls to asks questions about pregnancy I will tell her to ask our mother... she's done it twice or to go by a book! I can't mother her through this too.... I need to protect my own heart but then at the same time I feel a twinge of quilt for that unborn child and the world he/she is going to be coming into.

We even talked about her showing up on either of our door steps one day with her child and needing our help, a place to stay but neither one of us will rescue her anymore... she needs to grow up fast and take responsibility for her actions. I just hope she can do it in time, her and her boyfriend/fiance can do it in time to give that child a fighting chance at a happy and healthy life! That might all sound pretty harsh but there isn't enough time to get into all that my sister has but my dad through or myself and yet we keep getting up for another punch.. a person can only take so much before they know they've done everything they possibly can and it is what it is.

So today I'm not so sad, didn't really shed many tears after my out burst last Saturday. I wish it was me who was making that big announcement but not under those circumstances and not in that type of relationship... so overall I feel a little more at peace. Still going to see my therapist to get some good ideas/thoughts going on how to respond to people, to her and to what might come in the following months... but overall I'm good... I think I've said before I'm not really surprised she's pregnant just disappointed it isn't me.

the secret ..... revealed!

So I'm not sure why it was all hush hush but the big secret for which we all had to head up to my in-laws place was that Opa gave my husband and his brother $5000 each.

It's kinda bittersweet as Opa is the last grandparent on my husband's side and although the gift is appreciated I know my sweet husband is a little sad to hear that Opa is spending so much time talking about the past but can't remember what he did the day before... I think the quilt of not making it to visit him more is eating at my husband as well. It has been harder since his Oma passed away, she sounded like the most amazing Oma and the glue that kept the family gathering around the table more then twice a year. I wish I could have known her.

After some chat we've decided to put the majority of the funds away... into a savings account (in both our names) so we have that little nest egg to sit on for those "oh crap" moments... like another winter in the boating industry! And my DH will be spending a little on the diving course he's wanted to do for over a year now and he's wants to help me with a little toward my macbook savings! I can't wait to get my hands on one and be truly mobile!!

My brother-in-law and his gf are moving into the first home come July 31 so this will make for a smooth transition for them. Yeah!! Cause home ownership brings a whole new bag of stresses.

No AF and no ov watch yet.... hoping both arrive today so we can get this next cycle started!!! :-)

still not here...

The ov watch hasn't arrived yet but I do have the tracking number... it sat in customs ALL WEEK LONG but this afternoon it showed it is released and hopefully it is here for Monday... AF hasn't arrived either so I'm still good.. not stressing about it getting here in time as I have to start wearing it on the first, second or third day of a new cycle.

I can't believe how excited we both are for this little watch, as though this is the best shot we've ever given TTC to date... is that weird? lol Like all those other months where half-assed.... LOL which is hilarious when you think about all the crazyness we've (I've) put myself (us) through since we started down this road.

I have a crazy amount of work to do this weekend... but that will be broken up by a trip to visit the in-laws... something so odd is going on. My MIL asked that we come up for dinner, and basically Opa gave something to my MIL to give to my husband and hist brother.... but she didn't say anything more then that... oh except that it would be worth his wild to come up... WTF! There is a whole lot of bad karma around my in-laws and what they have or haven't done for my husband to date.... kinda sucks but it is what it is and we'll get through each of those bumps in the road they throw at us too. (example that happened before we bought our home.... my MIL in law asked us to buy a larger home w/apartment so they could rent the apartment from us and she was convinced that if we went to the bank and said we had confirmed renters the bank would give us more money! yes I know!!!! I couldn't beleive it either)

so I should have an interesting story for you all come tomorrow night or sunday.. depending on how emotionally drained I am from our visit.

best idea ever....

click on the image to go directly to the site... the creative ideas you can find on the Real Simple site are awesome.

lymphatic massage

so after my crazy weekend news I haven't updated about my lymphatic drainage massage... it was awesome... pretty crazy massage in comparison to my usual deep tissue but I felt kind of light afterwards... hard to explain. I wasn't as tired as I thought I would be but that's really not a bad thing. She really went to work on my body and moving around tissues like crazy and lots of oil.

I booked a second one to do the front of me (last time she did the back of my body) for Wednesday night so we'll see how that goes. I think I'm done spending money after this... at least once we put the ov watch to good use and see how a month or two of that goes. I bought a 4 month supply of sensors because I don't consider myself lucky enough to have it work for us on the 1st month out... will continue with finally getting DH semen analysis done and cross that off the list so we can pursue some other testing for myself.

I've even considered colon hydrotherapy (*embarrassed). One of my friend's had this done and they too had trouble conceiving and she swears it is what worked for them as one month later she was pregnant. I can kind of see how having this done would take some pressure off the internal organs and perhaps just provide that little bight of room for tubes to be wide open to make sure egg gets to where it needs to be.

Still so many holistic/naturopathic approaches left to try I guess but still really REALLY want some kind of testing as to whether or not my tubes are blocked at all.

Onward with another day... countdown has started to my next period and of course waiting for the most awesome ov watch to arrive. Was told it would take a week so I'm hoping on or before Friday which is also CD 30 and probably will start my cycle by then. I have to start wearing it to bed on the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd day of a new cycle. I'm really interested on when it will say the window opens and how that will differ from what I've charted in the past and what I think the window is.. cause obviously my idea of the window isn't working out so great.

a picture

since I am a photographer I thought a picture might be in order to brighten things up on my blog.

iPhone snap shot with camerabag filter (love my iPhone)
This was taken on one of our many trips to my dad and step mom's place just outside Hanover, ON

massage

I had a wonderful all over body massage today... yummy! My RMT is also a friend, a single childless friend but someone who I can count on to give me a point of view that perhaps I can't yet see and tonight she did just that. She span this whole thing around for me and said "why don't you look at it this way.... the pressure is completely off of you now"

And she is right... we don't have to be the first and now that we are not, it is kind of like one less stress. sort of... I'm mulling this point of view over for now. lol

I did shed a few tears while I was on her table but only because I know it's a safe place... like I've already said this just all feels like a really bad dream.

I've booked an appointment for July 2, it's kinda far away but still at least I know it's coming up and I can focus on making it through these next few weeks until I can see her.

I haven't heard from my mom, dad or step mom yet nor have I bothered to call. I guess I'm just going to avoid them for a little while. Maybe they're thinking nothing of it but I can't imagine my dad would be so thick... he's got to know this is hurting me. Maybe no one knows exactly what to say right now?... who knows, maybe they'd all just tell me I'm over reacting and to just be happy for her but I can't... not yet, maybe never, not really and truly happy.

another week

so I haven't given my sister anymore tears other then Saturday.. so far so good... I sort of can't believe it.. feels almost like a really REALLY bad dream.

I'm so disappointed overall... but at the same time not really surprised at her behavior. She has always been so so selfish and self absorbed. She didn't even acknowledge that we have been struggling to conceive and she does know that we have been trying for a long time. I don't know what she could have said or should have said to make it feel any better though... we are such opposites in so many ways.

I have always pretty much played by the book in life.... studied hard, worked hard, waited to have sex until I was ready, never drank, tried drugs once, didn't act out in crazy ways against my parents, found a wonderful man, didn't let other guys walk all over me, went to college, made a career for myself, a small business too, got married, bought a house, got a dog, waiting until we felt we where as ready as we could be to start a family... and now here I am at 31 with the 2 year mark of TTC in sight and my little sister beat me to it.

She has "dethroned me" our child will not get that first grandchild title.... why is that so important to me... why does it feel so wrong that she's going to get to have a child before I do? When we have been ready for so long my little sister who just weeks before this was crying to my mother about dumping her fiance and getting his name off the mortgage so she could stay in her house! My sister who didn't know what milk for babies was called.. formula! My little sister who was smoking while talking to me on the phone to share her good news. She has no idea what she is in for... she is no further ahead in her mind then she was 12 years ago when she told me she was pregnant the first time. She hasn't bothered to learn and prepare and I keep thinking of bits of information I should be telling her (are you taking folic acid, a multi?, have you quit smoking yet?, don't touch the cat litter.... ) but why the hell should I? it doesn't fucking matter... she's just going to do her own thing anyway and I can't worry about her anymore or her unborn child... there is nothing I can do for either of them... my sister has never needed or wanted my advice or guidance... so know I feel like if she does ask... fuck off and go figure it out for yourself, on your own for just once in your life!!!! Do something on your own and for yourself. oh wow.. there's the anger coming out.

I will be booking a couple of sessions with the therapist I saw about this time last year. I don't want this to eat me up and leave me unable to conceive. I don't want to argue with my family about my sister being pregnant... I haven't heard from anyone else in my family by the way... I guess no one else knows what to say to me either.. I feel closed off even more now. I felt it starting before as we'd opt to stay home then head to the cottage so many times in the last few months (hello?! sex at the cottage can't always happen when it needs too lol)... now it might get even worse... and then it could turn into an argument that I'm the one being selfish... isn't family dynamics great?

Luckily she is in NB and I'm here in ON and we only see each other about once a year.

And thank god for my most wonderful husband that reminded me this weekend of just how excited my dad and step mom (also in ON) will be when we make our own big announcement... it won't be full of worry and fear for my sister and her relationship. They will be excited for us and can actually enjoy and celebrate with us without the worry that surrounds my sister's pregnancy.

crushed

I am beyond crushed.... this morning after I got a call from my sister... she is pregnant

I know I have said a hundred times before that I have never felt crushed from friends making that big announcement but this time is SO different... this is my little sister, 4 years younger... she smokes, she drinks all the time, she had an abortion at 15, she has an IUD in, she is engaged but after setting a date they called off the wedding plans in January.... and now she is 6 weeks pregnant.

Why couldn't she have kept this to herself for just a few weeks longer?

edited to add: It was exactly 12 years ago to this exact day that I graduated from high school and it was also the day my little sister told me she was pregnant.

tired

feeling very tired this afternoon... not sure if I just need some air or if perhaps my late nights are catching up to me... they aren't as late as they've been in the past but I can feel myself slipping back into that routine again... must correct it!! I really did feel more accomplished getting up earlier and to bed by 10

Off to yoga tonight and then onto a massage. but this time a lymphatic drainage massage. when I saw the reflexologist last week she thought this could be an area that is causing me problems and she grabbed a hold of the inside/side of my knee and she said "this hurts doesn't it?" and it DOES! I've always known that it does but thought it was a result of my weight... well yes it's weight but it could be my lymphatic system not draining properly... I"m expecting a very relaxing massage a quite drive home and then epson salt bath and bed. I just wish I didn't have to do a 30 minute drive home... hope this massage doesn't knock me out completely and I wake up feeling a little more alive in the morning! lol

okay heading over to yoga and will take a little walk as I wait for the teacher to arrive... I'm always early... I mean really there is no point in driving home just to turn around and come back again in time for a class... that is why I LOVE the 5:30 class!!

renewed hope

I have this huge sense of hope and excitement for this little watch that should arrive sometime next week.

I'm looking at baby things online again, searching ebay, thinking about moving the office, baby things, maternity clothes etc... I haven't done that in MONTHS!!

I will try not to get too wrapped up in all that stuff but I just feel like we are closer then ever to finally conceiving. I've talked before about what a journey this whole TTC train ride has been and I guess perhaps now finally we're finding ourselves in just the right place for baby to join our lives.

Perhaps I'm just a perpetual optimist but if knowing that if I can't believe it and see it and feel it... it may never happen... so I keep on hoping, day dreaming and smiling that we'll hold a very special secret just my husband and I in the months to come.

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toying with the idea again of making this blog private so if you can't see it right away one day and you've been lurking for awhile just drop me an email and let me know you'd like to keep on following our TTC to belly to baby journey!

ov watch

so not good at this blogging thing LOL.... it's been awhile.

I just had to tell blog world that I just ordered it! It will ship Friday and should be here just in time for my next cycle.

The OV Watch... :-)

I'm really excited about trying this thing out... I love what the testimonials have to say about taking the stress out of trying or knowing when the optimal window for trying really is. I know what I think it is but having something tell me.... woohooo sign me up.

I bought the kit that comes with 4 months worth of sensors. I figure I can either hold onto the watch and sell the sensors on ebay or sell sensors + watch on ebay at a later day... You can find a handful of these for sale on ebay and they always go for the same price if not more then what they are selling for on the ov watch site.

I've been mulling over this purchase for a while now and I just thought, screw it.... I think this is a far smaller investment overall then finding ourselves in the fertility clinic just yet (I'm deathly afraid of the stress that could come on both of us financially, physically and mentally). Still going to move forward with whatever our family doctor can do for us, DH - SA test and perhaps ultrasounds for me in the near future but this little watch is surely going to take the stress out of the TTC game as it stands right now.

more ov watch related posted to follow in the coming weeks I'm sure.

in other news... I bought a size smaller yesterday at Reitmans... new pair of pants and also a skort.... a freakin skort (looks like a short skirt all the way around, not just in the front)... I haven't worn a skirt or shorts in such a long time... drawing the line at capri pants. I guess I'm doing better on the food front then I thought.... and the Happy Sense stuff.... loving those little happy pills.... has helped tremendously with my blues and also I guess with the weight (I refuse to get on a scale as I know how quickly it will screw with my thoughts and send me on a downward spiral)

Yesterday my DH and I where talking about how exhausted we both are... even though its not TTC time all the time it feels like we're always trying even if we aren't baby dancing? does that make any sense to you ladies? It is so exhausting! I'm not stressing about having another period or how sad that will be I'm just looking after me, one day at a time. And waiting patiently for my ov watch to arrive!!! wooohoooo!