so I haven't given my sister anymore tears other then Saturday.. so far so good... I sort of can't believe it.. feels almost like a really REALLY bad dream.
I'm so disappointed overall... but at the same time not really surprised at her behavior. She has always been so so selfish and self absorbed. She didn't even acknowledge that we have been struggling to conceive and she does know that we have been trying for a long time. I don't know what she could have said or should have said to make it feel any better though... we are such opposites in so many ways.
I have always pretty much played by the book in life.... studied hard, worked hard, waited to have sex until I was ready, never drank, tried drugs once, didn't act out in crazy ways against my parents, found a wonderful man, didn't let other guys walk all over me, went to college, made a career for myself, a small business too, got married, bought a house, got a dog, waiting until we felt we where as ready as we could be to start a family... and now here I am at 31 with the 2 year mark of TTC in sight and my little sister beat me to it.
She has "dethroned me" our child will not get that first grandchild title.... why is that so important to me... why does it feel so wrong that she's going to get to have a child before I do? When we have been ready for so long my little sister who just weeks before this was crying to my mother about dumping her fiance and getting his name off the mortgage so she could stay in her house! My sister who didn't know what milk for babies was called.. formula! My little sister who was smoking while talking to me on the phone to share her good news. She has no idea what she is in for... she is no further ahead in her mind then she was 12 years ago when she told me she was pregnant the first time. She hasn't bothered to learn and prepare and I keep thinking of bits of information I should be telling her (are you taking folic acid, a multi?, have you quit smoking yet?, don't touch the cat litter.... ) but why the hell should I? it doesn't fucking matter... she's just going to do her own thing anyway and I can't worry about her anymore or her unborn child... there is nothing I can do for either of them... my sister has never needed or wanted my advice or guidance... so know I feel like if she does ask... fuck off and go figure it out for yourself, on your own for just once in your life!!!! Do something on your own and for yourself. oh wow.. there's the anger coming out.
I will be booking a couple of sessions with the therapist I saw about this time last year. I don't want this to eat me up and leave me unable to conceive. I don't want to argue with my family about my sister being pregnant... I haven't heard from anyone else in my family by the way... I guess no one else knows what to say to me either.. I feel closed off even more now. I felt it starting before as we'd opt to stay home then head to the cottage so many times in the last few months (hello?! sex at the cottage can't always happen when it needs too lol)... now it might get even worse... and then it could turn into an argument that I'm the one being selfish... isn't family dynamics great?
Luckily she is in NB and I'm here in ON and we only see each other about once a year.
And thank god for my most wonderful husband that reminded me this weekend of just how excited my dad and step mom (also in ON) will be when we make our own big announcement... it won't be full of worry and fear for my sister and her relationship. They will be excited for us and can actually enjoy and celebrate with us without the worry that surrounds my sister's pregnancy.